Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Sure, Christmas is about celebrating this special season with friends and loved ones, but it's also about eating food you can't normally eat in Los Angeles.

Case. In. Point!

Mom's Cheese Potatoes: Ol' Momma Rust one-ups the Irish with this dee-lish-us dish. Everlast is crying somewhere.

Taco John's #2 Meal: Los Angeles may have its fair share of "authentic" Mexican restaurants, but how can you top a wealthy Chicago iron manufacturer's concept of Choco-Tacos? Answer? YOU CAN'T!

Vander Meer's Bakery: Chocolate raised with nuts... as in, you'd be NUTS not to love 'em!

Mom's Spaghetti: The Holy-Grail-of-Missed-Foods in Los Angeles is being served this very night. Bring you bibs and wheel-barrows!

And remember... if you can't stand the heat, the balcony is closed!

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Three Similar Events

ONE: Last Saturday, as the spaceship doors slid shut on the Star Tours ride, I quipped out loud, "Star Wars? More like Star Doors!" Surprisngly, it quieted the 30 other people on the ride - except for this 6 year-old girl sitting in front of us who lost her shit. It was ruined, however, by a guy behind me who said, "You actually said that with a straight face?" He then proceeded to stare at me for the next minute-and-a-half. It was uncomfortable.

TWO: Last Thursday, as Adam and I sat in the theatre - waiting for a matinee screening of The Polar Express to begin - I spilled ketchup-and-mustard on me from a Hebrew National hot dog. I said, "Shit." At that point, the mother-and-son pair in front of me turned their heads and glared at me. So, I said, "Oh... I mean... great." Apparently, according to me, cleaning up your dirty language means changing its entire meaning altogether. This was... yes, uncomfortable.

THREE: Last Friday, as Adam and I boarded our airplane in Dallas, we hypothesized what it would be like if Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were your friends. Could you, in fact, talk about Full House around them? Would it be proper, for instance, to ask them to repeat catchphrases from the show (even ones that aren't their own - like "How rude!")? And finally, how would one go about forcing Mary-Kate and Ashley to say "How Rude?" Abruptly, a woman in front of us (who was seemingly eavesdropping) turns around and says to us, "Put it in a box. And sell it on Ebay." Was that a suggesetion? A threat? A psychotic outburst? Adam and I nod - equal amounts of politeness and bewilderment. That lady was weird. She was carrying a 1996 Atlanta Olympics tote-bag. And, of course, this was all... you guessed it! Uncomfortable!

Saturday, December 25, 2004

Hearts of love
Reindeer (Rudolph)
Ice maybe on your road
Santa's Wife
All those gifts!
Santa's Wife

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Tomorrow morning, I'm boarding an airplane (AKA "sky turkey") that will magically whisk me away to Oh-me-haaa (Nebraska Country).

There, I will promptly be picked up by my oldest sister Amy Leigh Rust and her beau Scottles P. McPherson.

Then it's to ol' LeMars we go!


And what will I see there?

Well, rumor has it that the town has a new restaraunt, but I haven't received official confirmation on its name. Is it the long-promised Kentucky Fried Chicken (a rumor that has been circulating since... it was still called Kentucky Fried Chicken)? Or perhaps our burg will be afforded another Cyber Cafe? Download!

Until then...

I guess you'll just have to wait and find out!

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

You know those bad dreams that feel entirely real, so you keep waking yourself up to re-state that "It's only a dream"... but even that doesn't work? So you lay in bed, feeling bad about all the awful things you may (or may not have) done?

I've had two such dreams in the last two nights.

FIRST DREAM: I got a girl pregnant.

SECOND DREAM: I paid $20 to enter a Butterfly-Catching Society, but I missed the first three meetings.

I'd like to think - nay, I hope - that these two dreams are related.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

As a sign of affection, parents often have terms of endearment for their children.

I recently thought about mine, which both my parents and two older sisters called me from the ages of 0 to 8.

And that term of endearment?



Monday, December 20, 2004


A mother and father with their two children.

Last Saturday, I was at Disneyland for 17 hours. From 8am to 1am, joy and merriment grasped me tightly in its clutches. As you can guess, it was way awesome.

The rides I went on (in no particular order):

1. Splash Mountain
Sitting in our shared log before the ride began, my fellow adventurer Adam and I read a sign that ordered us: "Do Not Stand During Ride." I then proceeded to make the awesome joke of standing up in the log, leaning over, and saying," What's that sign say?" At that point, the ride started and knocked me on my ass. With jokes like these, I realize my father has influenced me far greater than I'll ever know.

2. Jungle Cruise
Unlike most rides at Disneyland, this one's guided by a real-life, flesh-and-blood human (AKA "feel-loves"). The Jungle Cruise tour guides are the best because they can crack wise-apples. Our morning tour guide was particularly hi-lar-i-ous. After the ride, he personally thanked me for my unabashed laughing. That's Disney magic for you!

3. Innoventions
At this technological exhibit, Adam and I got to see what our faces would look like... 50 years in the future! The result? Cranky!

4. Indiana Jones Adventure: Temple of the Hidden Eye
One of the few "thrill rides" on the Disneyland University campus, this li'l tiger packs all the punches of a real Indy movie. In fact, Adam earnestly ducked twice during this ride. I guess he thought a rock was gonna' hit his head. Little did he know that ol' Walt's ghost wasn't gonna' let that happen. Not this day.

I did not envision him as Indiana Jones.

5. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
We saw a group of raver kids in the line. They sure wear a lot of bracelets!

6. Pirates of the Caribbean
On our second journey of this swashbuckling ride, Adam and I (along with Chris - who gracefully joined us in the afternoon) noticed that someone stole a set of keys from the automatonic dog's mouth. Later, Chris and I determined - rightfully so - that possessing this set of keys in your apartment would be "really cool."

7. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
It's like a rollercoaster... except tame and for 4 year-olds. In fact, the 4 year-old girl behind us was yawning through the whole thing. Afterwards, I asked her what she thought of the ride and she just shrugged and rolled her eyes. That's Gen-Xers for ya'!

8. Gadget's Go Coaster
A rollercoaster made for young'uns... that actually delivers the goods! Later, I asked the same 4 year-old girl what she thought of the ride and she gave me a big THUMBS UP. It turned out the baby was Roger Ebert (denim vest and all).

9. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
You know what I want most out of a Disneyland ride? One that ends with you going to Hell. Yeah, I think that would be the best. Weird shit.

Why, I do say - that is some weird shit!

10. Haunted Mansion
In celebration of Christmas (which is not spelled with an "X!"), the Haunted Mansion was remodeled as Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas (no "X!"). It was so scary that a baby cried. Fortunately, a WASP-y teenage girl overstepped her bounds as a citizen/human being/complete stranger and told the parents how to raise their child. It made us all feel uncomfortable.

11. Star Tours
Afterwards, as we exited the ride, Adam, Chris, and I spotted a Yoda figurine in the gift shop. At this point, Adam shared his best quip of the day: (in Yoda voice) "Short and boring - my ride was." Ha ha.

12. It's a Small World
The second ride remodeled in the X-mas spirit (rules were made to be broken). This is, I think, my favorite ride at the park. Being so, it deserves an entire blog entry to itself and I will not slander it with a mere summary. Cope, America.

13. Roger Rabbit's Car Toon Spin
Halfway through this dark-ride, a Disney employee reached out from the darkness and put their hand in front of our car's headlight. After a moment of sheer terror, however, I realized it was just Adam sticking his hand out in front of the car. Regardless, I still managed to scream like a prepubescent boy and punch Adam in the arm, squealing thatI hate him.

14. Matterhorn Bobsleds
The ride attendent offered us the opportunity to ride together as 2-and-1 (which would mean I'd sit tightly within the crotch of Chris or Adam). I honorably declined.

15. Autopia


Only 9 miles left until we reach Suck-ass! Wait. We're already here.

16. Snow White's Scary Adventures
The biggest scare of the day (excluding those admission prices!) was the evil witch spinning around and gettin'-all in my face. I was so scared, in fact, that Disneyland employees later had to use the wet-dry vac for where I sat. Apparently, I had spilled some sand on it.

Needless to say, the entire day was amazing.

Later that night, at 1am (after a very loooong day), Chris, Adam, and I boarded the tram to take us back to the parking lot. In a perfect moment, Chris sat down, sighed an exhausted sigh, and speaking in the third-person, said: "This is dad's favorite ride."

It certainly was, Chris. It... certainly... was.

Friday, December 17, 2004


This is a kid with a cool racecar bed.

This is a kid whose parents misunderstood "cool racecar bed"

on their son's Christmas list
I just got back from work. Did you know I'm working? I'm working. I log footage for a reality series entitled Brat Camp. And sadly, no, it is not a television version of Up the Academy - as much as I've prayed for one.

I work from 7pm-5am, so it's around... 6am. The only other person awake right now is that hooded-sweatshirt guy who stands on the corner of Bellevue and Silver Lake every morning as I drive home from work. I think he's waiting for someone to pick him up. That or he's shadowing me. Yes. Hooded-Sweatshirt, P.I.

Hm. I want to go to sleep. I'm very tired. I've been up for 37 hours. Does that deserve an explanation? Maybe later. I'm tired. Although, honestly, I could have explained why I've been up for 37 hours in the time it took me to write: "Does that deserve an explanation? Maybe later. I'm tired."

And that.

And this.

And I'll have you know I re-wrote that whole "Does that deserve an explanation? Maybe later. I'm tired" line. Twice. I didn't just copy-and-paste. I work hard for my money.***

So this begs the question: If you're so tired, Pauly Dangerfield, why don't you go to sleep?

My response (in TWO parts):

A) As tired as I am, I always need to relax before sleep-time. I can't just walk straight from my car and into bed. Unless , of course, I had one of those racecar beds (like I wanted when I was a youngster****) If I had a racecar bed, I could both sleep and drive to work in it. Although I'm sure the sheets would get oil all over them. And bird-shit.

B) Why don't more people call me Pauly Dangerfield? Only a couple of people in my whole, entire life call me that and I like it. CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR ME: Start calling me "Pauly Dangerfield." CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOU: My eternal adoration.

So, I'm writing this blog to relax. So I can fall asleep. Even though I'm very, very tired.

*** Is the song "She Works Hard for Her Money" about being a waitress or a prostitute? I've heard both arguments. Where do you fall on this issue?

**** Dammit, I'm an adult now. I'm working. I'm making money. Why haven't I bought myself a racecar bed yet? *****

***** Oh yeah... because I'm 23 and even as a kid, if I saw an adult man with a racecar bed, I would feel sad for him.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Although Fireball Deluxe (the sketch-comedy group I'm in) is takin' 5 for "The X-mas"... that doesn't mean we cease to entertain you!

Our website
will continue to be the "digital feather" for your "Matrix-funny bone."

On the website, you can read Neil's new, hilarious essay Film Flubs as well as Chris' equally hilarious I'm Pretending to Write for a Furniture Catalog! Finally, there is my Topanga Files, but I've already posted about that, so maybe you've read it already.

And I say that... to quote this...

"What's your thoughts on the chapter of over 300 degrees? Have you ever tipped over a Port-a-Pottie; come on, really? Some things in my second book are silly, others are really serious. Books are more serious, though I haven't gone to school to write a book. Did you enjoy it? Would you go to a movie about my books or life stories?" - Socrates

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

And yesterday's year-end survey marches on...

19. Did you fall in love in 2004?

No. But there's 16 days left, lady-bird. (wink)

20. What was your favorite TV program?
What are you asking, stupid survey? A favorite show I began watching in 2004? If so, Curb Your Enthusiasm was cool. And marathon viewings of The Office broke in me and Adam's apartment quite nicely.

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
The only thing I hate... is hate itself. Oh, and this jerk.

22. What was the best book you read?
"The Devil's Candy" by Julie Salamon. Alternate title: "Satan's Twix."

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Another dry year. And I love music. Somebody help me.

24. What did you want and get?
Initially, I had no desire for University of Iowa President David Skorton to drop by Public Space One unannounced, wondering why our sketch-comedy troupe Saturday Night Live 2 heavily promoted that he'd be hosting our show - as a "funny joke." But after he did, I can't say I didn't not want it.

25. What did you want and not get?
The opening scene from The Big Chill. Or the new ad campaign for Coke C2. BONUS: If you "get" this "joke," be the first to sign my guestbook and you'll win an 8x10 glossy of Kevin Kline wearing a 7-up t-shirt.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
Too close to call, Malone! Front runners: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Kill Bill - Volume 2, Anchorman, I Heart Huckabee's, Sideways, The Incredibles, and The Life Aquatic. Roger Ebert watched every one with me - denim vest and all.

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Hung out with friends - eatin' pizza and goin' to Kill Bill - Volume 2. Roger Ebert gave me a denim vest as a present. It was wrapped in another denim vest. And oh... 23!

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Something exactly like this:
29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
The one question in all surveys that I loathe! Blah, blah, blah shirt. Blah, blah, blah pants. Blah, blah, blah my-fashion-sense-demonstrates-who-I-am. Mur.

30. What kept you sane?
Friends, family, and loved ones.

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Allowing skunks the right to graduate... with high di-STINK-tion!

32. Who did you miss?
Friends, family, and loved ones.

33. Who was the best new person you met?
In a way? Myself. Yeah. Yeah. Myself.

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
Change is progress. Stupidity is... CON-GRESS!

35. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Cuz I have friends and that’s a fact/Like Agnes, Agatha, Germaine, and Jack." - Biz Markie

Bye-bye, 2004. Welcome to the chili party, 2005!

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

11 months and 13 days in the making...

2004: The Survey!!!

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
a) Went on vacation for Spring Break. Panama City Beach will never be the same!
b) Moved into an apartment. Panama City Beach is indifferent to the issue!
c) Worked a full-time job. Panama City Beach wonders how much I get paid!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't dig New Year's Resolutions. Why can't people be cool all year 'round? Quit beating your wife in August, asshole!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friends, Mr. and Mrs. John and Denise Muller, had a daugher Annora Muller in May. And if you got the time, visit John's other aesthetically-pleasing creations: JohnHenryMuller.com and PatheticBird.com

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. Suck it, Grim Reaper!

5. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
A job that pays me to be creative - like the guy who designs this t-shirt:


6. What dates from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a) January 30th (opening night of Bubblegum Brigade)
b) April 30th (last No Shame performance)
c) August 7th (LeMars premiere of David Mows Yards)
d) August 20th (first day of my voyage to Los Angeles)
e) December 14th (the fabled night I filled out this survey).

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Graduating with High Distinction. Did you hear about the skunk who sat beside me at the ceremony? He graduated... with High Di-STINK-tion!

8. What was your biggest failure?
Keeping people at arm's length. That or Ishtar.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Nothing too damaging, but if somebody were to ask me if I wanted canker sores on my uvula for a second time, I would have to respectfully decline, thank you.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
People who voted.

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
50.2% of those people.

12. Where did most of your money go?
To Keith, my landlord. Mind you, I'm not paying him rent. Keith's my smack dealer. But don't worry, readers. "Smack" no longer refers to heroin. It means "unprotected sex."

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

THEME PARKS! Six Flags with Michele in July; Universal Studios with assorted friends (three times in one month); and soon... Disneyland with Chris, Neil, and Adam this Saturday!


14. What song will always remind you of 2004?
Float On by The Modest Mice

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
This survey's got a lot to learn about the delicate ebb-and-flow of life's joys and sorrows. I, apparently, also have to learn how not to dodge questions.
b) thinner or fatter?
The same. Everything else is in my head. You hear me, Cosmopolitan?!
c) richer or poorer?
In the checkbook, I am richer. In spirit, I'm a goddamn billionaire!

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Writin' ditties and lullabies.

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Not writin' whistlin' ditties and lullabies.

18. How will you be spending Christmas?
Awww, yeah! Hangin' with the Rust fam, of course! You know what I'm talkin' 'bout! And don't forget about li'l niece Lexie and Amy's beau-friend Scottles P. McPherson! We's all gonna' watch da' shit out of Meet the Fockers! Truth!

The survey's not done yet!

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. Same Meow-time. Same Meow-channel.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

I'm magic.


1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)

I sighted Henry Winkler (most-famous as Chuck Lumley in 1982's Night Shift) at the Grove Theatre during the Life Aquatic matinee on Friday. If only I had my copy of Strong Kids, Safe Kids with me for Hanky to autograph!

Also, eagle-eyed Celebrity Cited readers may notice that one Topher Grace has been taken off this famed list. After lengthy discussions with others, I have decided that Mr. Grace did not fit the suitable criteria for the Celebrity Cited list (since the sighting was not a spontaneous run-in, but rather, one that was pre-planned and could be anticipated beforehand).

Our editors regret the error.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Today, I'll be attending a matinee screening of The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou, the highly-anticipated new movie from director Nora Ephron.

The movie's playing this weekend in "limited engagements" in Los Angeles and New York. By "limited," they mean one single theatre in all of Los Angeles. It'll open across the country on Christmas Day.

These early screenings are, by far, one of the biggest highlights of living here in Los Angeles. I've been able to see movies like I Heart Huckabee's and Sideways (films which I had been looking forward to for over a year) much sooner that if I had been living in, say... I don't know... Ethiopia.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready for the movie. I'm wearing my new jacket.

Thursday, December 09, 2004

That's The Way The Cookie Crumbles... In My Mouth!

My mother sent me Christmas cookies! In the mail!

The parcel included:

Sure, you knew the chocolate star in the center would taste good, but then this woman (my mother) actually goes out of her way to make the surrounding cookie taste even better. It's like going to see the Stones play the Staples Center and finding out Beethoven's opening for them!

There's a reason scientists call these "classic." Because they're deeeeeee-licious (TM)! When I eat 'em, I imagine myself as a massive giant feasting on ever-greens. Hey, if I eat enough of them, I may get my wish! From these lips to these hips, you-know-what-I'm-a-sayin'?

My sweet tooth thanks you, mother!

But let us not forget about Poppa Bear! It's Bob's birthday today! Happy Birthday, dad! Blow out all the candles for ol' Pauly, will ya?

Tuesday, December 07, 2004


Dee Wallace Found Her Keys
Ladies and gentlemen... I had lost my keys.

Naturally, I was worried. How would I drive my car? How would I enter my front door? How would I open my mailbox?

I searched my entire apartment for half-an-hour.

Finally, out of exasperation, I made a silly plea and wished that I could page my keys. Whenever I misplace my cellular phone, for instance, I call it. I simply follow the rings to their source and - presto - I have my phone back.

So, dear god...

"Why can't I call my keys?" I asked myself. "Dammit. Why can't I call my keys?"

At that moment, my cellular phone rang in the other room. And for a brief second... I thought my keys were ringing.

What a shit-head!

Monday, December 06, 2004

I filled out a survey. It goes from #13 (bad luck) to #1 (foam fingers at Vikings games). Let's do this already!

THIRTEEN random things you like:
1) donkey brown (the color)
Louis CK
3) sleep/naps
4) drawings of wolves
5) kissing
6) "The Concept" by Teenage Fanclub
7) Northridge, California
8) Springtime
9) Roger Lyons
10) audio commentaries
11) Magic Star Traveller
12) girls
this picture

TWELVE movies (it's unspecified what kind of movies this survey wants, so I'll just write down the last 12 I've seen - from most recent to most not-recent)
1) Gremlins
2) It's a Wonderful Life
3) Jurassic Park 3
4) 1941
5) The Day After
6) Used Cars
7) Melvin and Howard
8) Kinsey
9) Who Framed Roger Rabbit
10) Amadeus
11) Poltergeist
12) Rear Window

ELEVEN good bands/artists:
(this also functions as your next mix-tape)
1) Big Star ("The Ballad of El Goodo")
2) Gerry and the Pacemakers ("I Like It")
3) Pavement ("AT&T")
4) Velvet Underground ("Candy Says")
5) Michael Jackson ("2000 Watts")
6) Chad and Jeremy ("World Without Love")
7) Quasi ("Poisoned Well")
8) Jonathan Richman ("I Must Be King")
9) Pixies ("Wave of Mutilation")
10) The Beatles ("This Boy")
11) Bettie Serveert ("Palomine")

TEN things about you ... physically:

1) zits on left temple
2) scar on right eyebrow
3) chewed fingernails
4) scar by left eye
5) zits on jaw
6) scar on right pinky
7) poofy hair
8) zits on shoulders
9) large nose
10) hung like a bear

1) Neil "Neilerdude" Campbell
2) Mike "Cassa-role" Cassady
3) Scott "Scottles" Ferguson
4) Brian "B-max" Kessler
5) Mickey "Cap'n" McKeon
6) Adam "Madam Ovary" Pash
7) Amy "Big Sis" Rust
8) Chris "Crispy" Stangl
9) Emily "Yo Shutterbug" Yoshida

EIGHT favorite food/drinks:
(If I'm ever executed, this will all be included in my last meal)
1) chocolate ice cream
2) Coke
3) sweet peas
4) Grilled Stuffed Burrito (TM)
5) tuna fish
6) cheeseburger
7) peanut butter toast
8) reuben sandwich

SEVEN people you’ve kissed:
(Geeze Louise. This survey's got a bad case of the "nose-ies")
1) Michele Thompson
2) Jill Schipper
3) Allison Reid
4) Merideth Nepstad
5) Julia Miller
6) Stephanie Hinton
7) Leah Dugan

SIX things that annoy you:
1) the government
2) the taxes
3) the neighbors
4) the kids
5) the rock-n-roll
6) the death

FIVE things you touch everyday:
1) steering wheel
2) the sink's "HOT" knob
3) cellular phone
4) the hearts of America's elderly
5) your ass

FOUR shows you watch
1) Freaks and Geeks
2) Joy Junction
3) Full House
4) The Simpsons

THREE things you wear every day:
1) socks
2) underwear
3) chainmail

TWO celebrities you have a crush on:
1) Sandy Dennis
2) Glomer

ONE thing about yourself that you want everyone to know:
I got it goin' on! (And so do you!)


Friday, December 03, 2004

Mark your colanders...

Comedy Underground
320 Wilshire Blvd - Santa Monica, 90401
Saturday, December 4th - 8:00pm

All are welcome in this place.

Email me at strangelove45@hotmail.com if you want reduced admission (i.e. pay 5 samolians instead of 10 scagnettis).


If you've ever been curious what it feels like to be "God's Lonely Man," might I suggest going to Von's Grocery Store by yourself at 3am on a Wednesday night?

For it is there that you will understand pure, non-negotiable solitude as you try to find the perfect orange in the produce section as "Silent Night" plays over the PA. This, of course, will be the first Christmas song you've heard all year. And if you're not feeling pangs of "melancholia" yet, the Gods-That-Must-Be-Crazy follow it up with the one-two punch of Charles Brown's "Christmastime is Here," the most heart-stabbing song this season has to offer (next to "New Kids Got Ran Over by a Reindeer").

About this time, you will hear the produce section's own stereo system (seperate from the greater store's PA) as it begins playing thunder sound-effects. Sure, it's eerie at first, but it gets even more eerie when piped-in water pours over the vegetable bins. I suppose this is Von's novel way of watering their produce. Boy, wasn't it fun remembering thunderstorms as those gorgeous summertime events - you lying next to a loved one in bed... windows wide open... curtains blowing in the breeze? But wouldn't it be even more fun having that memory replaced with a stale, grocery-store procedure during the dead of winter?! Yes. I think so.

To complete your journey of Von's-Is-Slowly-Trying-to-Kill-You, pick up your three bags of groceries at the register (containing this week's supply of tuna, canned pears, and peanut butter) and then remember that scene from Home Alone. You know, the one where Kevin is walking back home for his Christmas dinner - grocery bags in hand? And they split open? And groceries scatter all over the sidewalk?

Then realize how Home Alone is actually one of those rare children's movies that teaches the virtues of self-reliance. Most kiddie-films stress the importance of friends and family and teamwork and cooperation, but Home Alone actually had the balls to let kids know that: 1) yes, your loved ones will disappear (often by your own hand), 2) you will be all alone, and 3) yeah, you better get used to it.


In Home Alone 4, the kid floods a mansion. It's pretty funny. You should rent it.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Rob Morrow wishes he was there last night.

To my surprise, last night's Real Gilligan's Island party was an authentic premiere. At first, I thought it was just going to be a shaggy get-together with Little Caesar's Pizza and TBS playing on a 10-inch TV/VCR combo.

But no.

Red carpet. TV Crews. Fancy-food trays. Open bar. And lots of attractive-looking people in expensive clothes.

It was neat.

Of course, my trademark insecurities (TM) kicked in and I got a tad self-conscious about how I looked. Folks' faces were better-looking than mine. You know the tune.

At one point, I walked by a group of stunning people and right when I passed, my cell phone fell out of my jacket.

It had slipped out through the hole in my pocket.

Yes. I am the poor, poor vagrant living among the show-biz elite.

But I got a free CD player as a "crew gift." So that's pretty cool.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004

If you are the 15,000th person to read my blog (look at the web-counter on the right), you are REQUIRED BY LAW to sign my guestbook.

Wow. Two entries in a row where I demand you to sign my guestbook. This blog is so high-mantienance!

Tonight, I will be attending the cast-and-crew party/premiere screening of The Real Gilligan's Island, which begins tonight on TBS. As you may remember, I logged for this program a few weeks ago.

And what aspect of the party am I most excited for?

To see the castaways, of course! These are people who I watched on tape for hours and hours. And hours. I've witnessed them sleep, eat, argue, not argue, everything. When I was logging, I spent more time with these folks than my own friends and/or loved ones. And now, I'll be able to see them in the flesh. Woah.

I'll make sure to keep my distance though. Otherwise, I'll be inappropriately picking fights with the Professor about his excessive self-righteousness.

Professor Plum, that is! All hail Clue and Cluedo!

Monday, November 29, 2004

Something occurred to me today...

Liam Neeson has starred in both Next of Kin and Kinsey.


Next of Kinsey!

If you yourself come up with any other connector-titles in an actor's filmography, by all means, put them in my guestbook. I would be much obliged.

Thank you.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Thursday was "Happy Thanksgiving" Day. You should know this - unless, of course, you've been living under a rock (a Plymouth Rock, that is!).

I am thankful for many things in life, but here is what I am most thankful for:

Friends make you laugh and help you in times of need. Friends are always there for you. I am thankful for my friends.

Your family knows you best and cares for you most. Some people don't like their families, but I do. I am thankful for my family.

I live in a spacious and clean 2-bedroom/2-bathroom apartment with a nice kitchen and even nicer living room. It is located in a safe neighborhood. I also have a cool roommate (see: FRIENDS.) I am thankful for my shelter.

I am not sick. I can run whenever I want. I will be well for a long time. I am thankful for my health.

For these and many other things, I say, "Thank you!"

What are you thankful for?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Hold onto your derbies! It's a FIREBALL DELUXE show!

Saturday, November 27th
Comedy Underground
320 Wilshire Blvd
Santa Monica, 90401

Email me at strangelove45@hotmail.com if you want to get on the guest list. Then you only have to pay $5.

It's another financial benefit of reading my blog (in addition to my sound stock-market advice).

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

A few months ago, I bought new socks - "new" as in freshly-bought, not "new" in the sense that I've never owned a pair of socks in this particular style before. Because, to be sure, they're exactly like all my other socks: Short. White. Hanes. They've got grey patches on the heels and on the toes. You've probably seen them before. As in... on my feet. For the last four years.

Which is great. I love having socks that are all the same. In general (you should know), I crave any sort of consistency whatsoever. At Taco Bell, for instance, you will never see me order anything but a Grilled Stuffed Burrito. When I was kid, I ate Cinnamon Toast Crunch every morning for seven years straight. And yes, I've been wearing the same style of socks for the last four years.

This isn't limited to just food and footwear, mind you. There are many, many more examples, but alas... one must always save material for future blogs, yes?

However, there's one problem: These "new" socks I bought are clearly "new-er" than the "old" socks from days of yore. Sure, they're the same in style (re: Short. White. Hanes.), but the "new" socks are brighter and whiter than the "old" socks, which have become grey and worn. Even more discouraging than this, an "old" sock will often be paired with a "new" sock. And Lord knows I can't wear both on my feet.

So what do I do? I set the new sock aside, find two old ones, and put them on my feet instead. I wouldn't dare wear two new socks. Why not? Because they must be saved for special occasions, of course!

Such as? Well, if I ever attended the Governor's Annual Gala-Ball, I would - yes - wear a tuxedo and... ? My li'l, white booty-socks! And naturally, some Foreign Diplomat would insist that I raise my pantlegs for him, so he could see what socks I was wearing. "Oh, fantastic! You wore the new ones," the Foreign Diplomat would say. "Cheerio for not wearing those dastardly grey and worn ones from days of yore!"

It should be noted, however, that this plan is never fool-proof. Eventually, laundry time (for clothes and underwear) comes around and I realize I haven't even worn the new socks. At all. They're just sitting in a big pile - un-worn and under-appreciated.

I don't know why I do this.

But for too long, I hold off on ideal things just because I don't think the time is right.

It's got to be the perfect moment.

I wonder how many times I've missed great experiences because I'm too busy waiting for "the perfect moment."

And this isn't just socks, people. There are many, many more examples, but alas... one must always save material for future blogs, yes?

Sunday, November 21, 2004

If you're in Los Angeles and need something to do in 2-and-a-half hours, I'm performing a solo comedy routine at:

I'm in the show. See my name on the poster?

In case you didn't know, I legally changed my name to "Free With a One Drink Minimum."

As for the "Paul Rust" listed, that's actually Ray Combs. I gave him my name - in exchange for a free set of bedsheets.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Topher Grace (Monday, November 15th, 2004)

Topher Grace, star of That 70's Show, was at Monday night's Fireball Deluxe show. He came to see the opening act - our friends' comedy/singing/performance-art duo Machu Pichu - and stuck around for our show afterwards.

Then, we all went to a German bar/restaurant. I ate a big bratwurst with sauerkraut and mustard.

Excuse me, Jeeves, can you pick up that name for me? I believe I just... dropped it!

Tuesday, November 16, 2004


Last Saturday evening, Adam, Chris, B-max (visiting from Berkeley), and myself were driving back from Universal Studios (my third trip to the immortal theme park within the last four weeks).

Waiting in traffic, Chris points out how to our left is the Vivid Entertainment building - an enterprise specializing in pornographic materials (i.e. videos, DVD's, and zoetrope lindies). Chris jokes that inside the building, people are having sex. This is a good joke because:

A) It is absurd to believe that just because it's a pornographic business, people must automatically be engaging in sexual intercourse and...
2) That anybody would be working on a Saturday evening anyway

So we look up at the building in question. And wouldn't you know? Through the windows on the top floor, we see large set-lights... a woman (with her back turned) taking off her bra... and a naked man walking around the room.

Indeed, sex was being had. And indeed, a porno was being shot.

Ever since then, we all scour Los Angeles - Chris prophesizing that people are having sex in buildings and us eagerly looking to see the truth.

Yesterday, we saw two people doin' it in the Prudential Financial building.

Monday, November 15, 2004

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)

Joe Dirt mastermind/funnyman David Spade was seen having drinks at the M-Bar's weekly "Comedy Death Ray Night" last week. At one point, Mr. Spade left for the bathroom - but not before he stepped on the back of my friend Neil's shoe, tripped, and graced my friend Mike's butt with his free hand.

Hollywood gossip-hounds are arguing if this was by "accident" or by "design." You decide!

With luck, a Holly-burg celebrity-star will grab my cakes sometime soon. Miss Dyan Cannon? I'm waiting!

Thursday, November 11, 2004

A new installment in The Paul Rust Script Archive.

In addition to this latest entry, I've gone back and re-formatted all the old ones as well (heavily influenced by/ripped-off from my friend Chris Stangl's own script archive) .

So... go ahead and delve into my my life from four years ago. The old/new awaits you.

Sunday, November 07, 2004

I had a horrible accident yesterday...


I fell off a building and transformed into a rad car. The most embarrasing part? It happened right in front of that cute water-tower I've been crushing on for three years! I can kiss "Prom 2005" good-bye!

To ease my pain, I wore my favorite fake-moustache and adopted a kindly penguin, but that only made things worse...


Keith the Penguin's alright when he's alone, but get him with his walrus-buddies and all he wants to do is show off. I'll have pie in my hair for weeks! It's times like these that I miss my good, old friend...


But I can never seem to find him!

Oh, well. Happy Hunting, Waldo-philes!

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

America's love affair with 80's nostaglia continues! My Little Pony t-shirts, Transformers DVD box-sets, and rampant conservatism. Blind, arrogant conservatism.

Do I smell a Rambo sequel, Mr. Stallone?

Monday, November 01, 2004

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)

Walking on Hollywood Boulevard after viewing Disney's "Saw" at Mann's Chinese Theatre, Rick and I walked by Mr. Berman (who you'll remember as Chuck Coleman from "The Wonder Years" and John Candy's assistant Ernie in "Rookie of the Year").

Although it was only a brief sighting (2 - maybe 3 - seconds) and on a heavily crowded city sidewalk to boot, Rick and I - each and our own - seperately recognized the nearly-forgotten actor who we last saw in a movie from 11 years ago.

This, ladies and gentlemen - amongst many other reasons - is why Rick Herbst is one of my best friends.

Give 'em hell, boy-o!

P.S. If you watched "America's Funniest Videos" last night, you saw me on national television for the very first time. This means that next time you run into me in person, you have to add me to YOUR "Celebrity Sighted List."

P.P.S. You should vote tomorrow. However, if my weblog is the sole place that informed you of the presidential elections, then you are grossly uninformed. But vote anyway. As the aforementioned Rick put it, "Voting is the new not voting."

Saturday, October 30, 2004

You should watch...

Sunday, October 31st
7pm (6pm/Central)

I'm not promisin' anything, but... it could be cool.

Tuesday, October 26, 2004

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)

Driving to The Grove Stadium 14 with Adam and our guest Rick Herbst, I think to myself how great it'd be if Rick got to spot a celebrity during his trip to Los Angeles, California. Why, it's a treat that only this city can offer. I double-dare Chicago to show me Patrick Renna eating a hot dog.

So the three of us are killing time at a nearby Barnes and Nobles before the movie. Eventually, it's time for us to go, so we head for the escalators (AKA "future stairs"). And who should we spy browsing books and wearing a FDNY ballcap? I'll give you a hint: it's Rider Strong (AKA Shawn Hunter from "Boy Meets World.")! You remember Shawn. He was the devil-may-care-rebel to Ben Savage's straight-arrow-ugly. He taught the men of my generation how to comb their hair and brood. And look pissed. And brood.

Wow. "The Topanga Files." Mrs. Matthews last weekend. I swear "Boy Meets World" is stalking me.

Speaking of stalking, the three of us decide to follow Rider Strong around Barnes and Nobles. We've got our reasons though (just like all good stalkers do). We're unsure if it is indeed him, so we need concrete confirmation. A clear-cut view of the Rider. So we duck behind book shelves and sneak passing glances until we are 100% sure. Yes, it is him. The Rider.

This was all VERY unnecessary, of course, when we realize Rider Strong is walking behind us on the escalators... and out of Barnes and Nobles... into the movie theatre... and IN THE ROW BEHIND US AT THE MOVIES.

Holy shit.

So, we play it cool before "Sideways" starts. Rick subtly references the weirdness of the entire situation by discussing how back at Yale, he saw Sandra Day O'Connor hailing a taxi. Maybe Rider will hear this. Maybe he'll pick up on our code. During the move, there's much talk about a central character who is a has-been TV star, which hits painfully close to home for the man whose sitting directly behind us. Adam, Rick, and I all wince. Does Rider take this to heart? Does he know WE know?

But I soon realize... all of this... my fear that he's stalking us, my hope that he's listening to our conversation, my belief that he feels our pain for him... is misguided. None of this is happening. It's arrogant for me to think so. In truth, I am nothing to Rider Strong. Compared to Rider Strong, I am... Ben Savage.

The movie ends.

On our way out, we see "Boogie Nights" and "Austin Powers 2" lead Heather Graham - sprawled on the theatre seats, PDA-ing with her boyfriend.

Jesus. Wow. Heather Graham.

I don't know need her B-grade celebrity status mucking up my list.

Sunday, October 24, 2004

As anyone who's ever been in a supermarket check-out line can attest, TV Guide (AKA "Television Guide") has their perennial favorite "The Best TV You're Not Watching" issue. You've read it at your grandmother's house. Or your cousin's.

Well, my blog has a similar goal as well. It's called "The Best TV You're Not Watching"... Blog.

It's the Trinity Broadcast Network's Saturday morning line-up.

You seriously need to watch this.

Mind you, you're gonna' have to get up early. Or stay up very late. In Los Angeles, it begins at 3am. In the Central Time Zone, it's 5am (I know because I used to watch it there, too).

And believe me, you're missing so much.

Here are my two favorites:

1. "Circle Square" - a group of 6-8 children (ranging from the ages of 9-14) hang out in a ranch with two adult... puppets. They do sketches, read viewer mail, and sing songs. One cool thing is when songs are sung, their titles and an acompanying number are listed on the bottom of the screen. Apparently, the viewer is supposed to have a song-book to join in. I don't have this song-book.

2. "Joy Junction" - located in the center of an old-west town square, a Sherriff (who my friend pointed out looks more like an elementary school principal than a sherriff) referees various competitions between child contestants (all of them curiously from the 2nd grade). How fast do you think two kids could eat donuts on a string? This show will tell you!

And of course, all of these shows have a heavy Christian foundation. Bible verses and Jesus-talk abound. It's like church, but with games and mid-80's graphics. In other words... great television.

So... I can count on you getting up at 5am and watching this, right?


Wednesday, October 20, 2004

What's funnier? "Little-to-Big" or "Big-to-Little?"

To find out, let's use WWII (LIKE WE ALWAYS DO).

"Little-to-Big" is an ordinary bad cell-phone connection (AKA "Little") between President Truman and General Lena Horne, that creates such a grave misunderstanding, it results in the bombing and destruction of Hiroshima (AKA "Big").

What?! You said "Drop the Batom Rom?!"

"Big-to-Little" is thousands of proud Americans celebrating the NYC Victory Day parade amidst falling ticker-tape and sailors makin' out with dames (AKA "Big"), but two plumbers sit on a fire escape, watching it all and saying to themselves, "Yeah... I mean, I guess" (AKA "Little").

Then they argue over who the dog likes more.

"Little-to-Big" or "Big-to-Little?" Vote on November 2nd!
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)

Saturday night. Three celebrities. Am I really this blessed?!

When Dwier Brown (as John Kinsella) played catch with his estranged son in "Field of Dreams," audiences wept across America. And when Dwier Brown (as Dwier Brown) told me where I could find the theatre box-office, I wet across my pants.

Michael J. Anderson (who your older brother knows as that "little fella from Twin Peaks") was enjoying a late-night dinner at House of Pies. I watched Anderson from afar, but my friend Chris (a fan of Anderson's) approached him and thanked him for his work. A Celebrity-Sighted first! As such, Chris will receive a complimentary "Celebrity Sighted" mug and duffel bag. Keep up the good work!

And finally, actress Betsy Randle was sighted as a fellow audience member at a play I attended. Imagine my elation when an actor onstage mentioned "Topanga Canyon." That's right. TOPANGA Canyon. Ms. Randle was the mom in "Boy Meets World," which featured... a character named Topanga! You effin' know Betsy was thinking about her right then.

Awwww, what a night.

Elton John may have thought that Saturday night's alright for fightin', but I think... it's alirght for celebrity-sightin'!

Friday, October 15, 2004

This afternoon, my friend Mike and I hiked in the Hollywood hills (to burn off all those Snackwell's!)

Driven by our unquenchable thirst for adventure (and Snackwell's!), we trekked all the way up to the "HOLLYWOOD" sign. And guess what we saw behind the second "L?"

You guessed it. Harrison Ford and Tea Leoni smokin' a doobie! They were pretty cool. Nice folks in all. But then Mike and I offered them a Snackwell's (we had them in our knapsacks!) and those celeb-u-taunts would have nothing of it.

Harri-sonic, Jr. (our nickname for Harrison "Hari-sonic, Jr." Ford) said, "I will NOT put that poison in my body." And Tea-sonic, Jr. (our nickname for Mrs. Duchovany) added, "Me either."

Tea's "Me either" was the final, destructive blow. Mike and I were crushed. We lowered our heads and walked down the Hollywood hills. Backwards.

But we showed 'em. Guess what two dudes slipped five Snackwell's cookies into Harri-sonic and Tea-sonic's picnic?

That's right...

Phil Donahue and Geena Davis.

Mike and I asked Phil-sonic, Sr. and Geena-sonic, Sr. to pull the prank for us. Those two owed us BIG favors. You see, I was a Production Assistant on "Donahue" from 1986-to-mid-1986 and Mike was married to Geena for three glorious months in 1992.

Although, if you ask me, Mike owes Geena the favor! Y'ouch!

This is Paul Rust, reporting from Hollyweird. And remember: Keep it on the "DL" - The "Dion Landers!"

Thursday, October 14, 2004

As a youth, did you ever watch movies in a darkened classroom - while outside, it was a cold and breezey autumnal Friday afternoon?

No? Okay. 'Cuz I think I have.

At the very least, I've been thinking about it a lot.

Why do I keep going back to this? It's not even a specific memory. I don't know where it occurred. It could be junior high or high school or second grade. Maybe even college.

All I know is that it's rich in tone and mood and feeling. The promise of possibilities and the pang of things passed.

Nostalgia, friends!

Nostalgia hurts the most during Autumn. Or Spring. Or Winter. Or whatever season I happen to be in at the time.

Winter is shaggy hair in a cold car. Spring is cutting your hair on a breezey driveway. Summer is shaving your head in a basement. And Autumn is... watching movies in a darkened classroom? Whatever!

Uhhhhh. I'm writing a blog I will later hate. BUT I WILL NOT DELETE IT!

Don't worry though. All is well for your friend Pauly Dangerfield. This is just one of those simple 3-hour funks that people incorrectly archive in their blogs as "PROFOUND REVELATIONS," but then forget about by the next morning. That's when they're soon having "ONE OF THE HAPPIEST TIMES IN THEIR LIVES."

But not me. I live on an even plain.

I am a rock. I am a "Real Gilligan's Island."

Holy shit. The phrase "the pang of things passed" will haunt me for days.

Come back soon. Jokes and witty observations will be dropping by any minute.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Last Sunday, I went to Universal Studios with some of my buddies/homies/gents. Here were some of the rides, which allowed us to live the movies:

An awesome roller-coaster "dark-ride," which travels forwards (then BACKWARDS!), finally culminating with your "eternal death." I now eagerly await the upcoming REVENGE OF THE NERDS: THE RIDE, in which you must install a sorority spy-cam and later drown John Goodman in a YMCA pool.

A stunt extravangza with jet-skis and fireballs! We sat in the "SOAK SEATS" (next to an 11 year-old girl wearing an Ozzfest t-shirt). By the end of the show, we wuz drenched! And believe me, folks: wetter... is better! (Although I'm sure Johnny Goodman would disagree!)

You heard it here first!

And like I had planned over one year ago, I purchased a SEASON PASS to Universal Studios as well. This promises a new adventure every weekend! And all but guarantees I will meet no one of the opposite sex for one more year!

RIP John "Drowning Victim" Goodman: 1952-2004.
We'll miss you, Robert Drown-y, Jr!

Saturday, October 09, 2004

Did you watch the presidential debates tonight? If not, here's an excerpt from the official transcripts.

(Used by permission from CNN, Cable News Network, 2004)

In "Beauty and The Screech," when Kelly is telling Jessie and Lisa about the guy she likes, she tells them it's Screech and that she was in his room. Lisa says, "Didn't the bats bother you?" and Kelly says, "None of his creatures fly!"
But in Episode 5: "Screech's Woman," Screech meets Bambi and Bambi gives him rules about dating her. Bambi says, "I'm allergic to all sorts of animals and insects." And Screech says, "Thats OK. I'll shave all my birds," so that means some of Screech's creatures do fly.

Screech said he was going to shave his birds and without their feathers, none of his creatures would fly.

But he didn't shave them--as he broke up with "Bambi." Then again, maybe his birds flew away (either set free or accidentally). Maybe one of his other pets ate them. Or maybe they died.

Where do you fall in the heated "Shaved Birds" debate? Whether you're Republican, Democrat, or agnostic, don't let your voice go unheard. Vote.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Hey, hey, hey! Did you know that I am a member of FIREBALL DELUXE, America's favorite sketch-comedy troupe/gymnastics squad? I am! No kidding!

And this Saturday, we got ourselves a hottt & sexxee show. Here's the boot-scoot:

with special guest: Machu Picchu
9:00pm (party to follow!)
Zen Sushi
2609 Hyperion Ave
Los Angeles, 90027
(In Silverlake, by the intersection of Griffith Park Blvd and Hyperion)

Sketch comedy that dares to put a piece of pork on a chair and poke at it with a broom handle!

For more info, check out the Official Fireball Deluxe Webpage. (CAUTION: SOME MATERIAL CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT)

While you're there, you can also check out my own writing contribution The Topanga Files. (CAUTION: DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY EXPLICIT CONTENT WHATSOEVER).

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)

Yesterday, I had a moment of "Glory." I was outside Fred 62's (where I'm sure one could find "Fried Green Tomatoes" on the menu) and I had an "Iron Will" to find another celebrity. Unfortunately, all I could find was an "Odd Couple 2." So imagine my surprise when...

Ol' Richard Riehle came strolling by!

In addition to my subtle hints at his previous work, you will most remember Mr. Riehle from his portrayal of Tom Smykowski in "Office Space" (AKA the "Jump to Conclusions" guy who gets in a paralyzing car accident).

He was wearing suspenders.

NOTE: The "Celebrity Sight-O List" has officially been changed to the more cleverly-titled "Celebrity Cited List." Time Magazine regrets the error.

Monday, October 04, 2004

This Saturday, I went to a taping of America's Funniest Videos (alternate titles: America's Funniest Home Videos or The Best Show You're Not Watching).

As some of you may or may not know, I am an intense fan of this television show. I even made an entire movie about it - entitled Tin Cup. Previously, you may have believed that Hollywood MVP Ron Shelton had directed this film. But now you know the truth. The full truth.

So, imagine my LIMITLESS GLEE when I won an America's Funniest Videos t-shirt because I got to... well... no, I shouldn't say right now. I will tell you this: Something mighty special has to happen for you to win an America's Funniest Videos t-shirt. And it did.

So, tune into ABC's America's Funniest Videos on Sunday, October 31st (Halloween!) and maybe - just maybe - you'll find out what happened.

Until then... good night, NASCAR fans!

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Last Sunday, some friends and I watched the "STAR WARS TRILOGY" on DVD (Digital-Valentine's-Day). Of course, the main question that eats at you while you watch the trilogy is... if I was editor for MAD Magazine, how would I make parodies of the titles?

I think it'd go a-little sum-thin... like this:

1. Star Wars (1977)
Parody Title: Car Doors! (1977)

2. The Empire Strikes Back
Parody Title: The Umpire Strikes Out! (1980)

3. Return of the Jedi
Parody Title: Refund of the Jet-Ski! (1983)

4. The Phantom Menance (1999)
Parody Title: The Panda Dennis! (1999)

5. Attack of the Clones (2002)
Parody Title: A Snack at McDonald's! (2002)

6. Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Parody Title: Refund of the Jet-Ski! (2005)

I am officially submitting this as my writing sample to MAD Magazine. I will have a job within three business days.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Last Thursday, I saw Pixies perform live. It was great! Of course, when every song in a band's catalog is "key-lassic," it's a SCIENTIFIC IMPOSSIBILITY not to have a fantastic show. Trust me. I checked with a scientist-friend of mine.

To celebrate this event, I will do the unimaginable: take a survey. And yes, I've waited the prerequisite six months since my last survey was taken. Limiting yourself to surveys in your blog is akin to an upstanding television series allowing itself only one "clips show" per season. I'm talking to you, Family Ties!

First car: My grandma's root-beer-colored 1982 Pontiac. Nickname: "Laserbeam."
First break-up: Bobbie Jo Langel; 8th grade; January 1996. And to think, we went to The Big Green together!
First screen name: Bananafish (as in - "A Perfect Day to Be a Douchey Salinger Fan")
First self purchased album: "Weird Al" Yankovic's Polka Party. Album Highlight: Mr. Yankovic's impassioned no-nukes anthem "Christmas at Grand Zero."
First pets: Joe, the black lab. Like all children, I named him after my favorite uncle. He later filed litigation.
First piercing/tattoo: I ain't no rock-n-roller, Mr. Jagger!
First credit card: I will assume you're referring to the "credit card" that is someone sticking their hand in between your butt-cheeks. If that's the case... I'm giving myself one right now.
First enemy: Computer printers! Am I right?
First big trip: The Moon; July 1969

Last cigarette: The one I put out on your face, narc!
Last car ride: The Moon; July 1969
Last kiss: My last "Knights in Satanic Service" meeting was... March, maybe?
Last good cry: Moonstruck!
Last library book checked out: "How to Burn Down a Library: An Easy 10-Step Guide to Ruining Buildings That You're Standing In"
Last movie seen: Splatter Farm (alternate title: Just Around the Corner, Joseph)
Last beverage drank: Hamburger juice!
Last food consumed: A big pile of dirt and twigs
Last phone call: Carson Daly
Last shoes worn: You wear shoes? Narc!
Last item bought: Shoes.
Last annoyance: The cancellation of Ed.
Last time scolded: Ladies and gentlemen, the first Internet survey written by a 2nd grader!

Did you hear about the new Pixies tribute album? It's a bunch of bands filling out Internet surveys.

Thursday, September 23, 2004


For the first time in seven-and-a-half years (since I first received my driver's license), I got in an accident. It wasn't a car-in-the-ditch accident or a car-through-the-pet-store-window accident, but it was an accident nonetheless. A first for everything, butch!

It was in a parking garage. I took the corner too sharp and I scraped the passenger-side door against a cement divider. It put a small dent in the door and took off some paint. Oh, and I took off the passenger-side rear view mirror as well.

Whatever the case, one thing's for sure: this will be one car ride I will never forget!***

*** (Unless I lose my memory in a horrible car-through-the-pet-store-window accident)

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

You can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a celebrity!

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)

Patrick Renna, of course, masterfully portrayed Hamilton "Ham" Porter in 1993's The Sandlot. Likewise, he also masterfully portrayed a man eating burritos with his skateboarder friends on Virgil last Monday.

As for Randy Jackson, I saw him buying cigarettes at a Mobil gas station. Although Mr. Jackson may dish out stinging barbs as a judge on "American Idol," he was nothing but cordial by allowing me to budge ahead of him, so I could get a key for the bathroom.

Wow. Three celebrities in three days! Read 'em and weep, Leeza Gibbons!

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)

This afternoon, I saw Joey "I Eat Steak Outside of the Matrix" Pantoliano (AKA Joey "The Goonies Make Me Crunch My Nuts on a Log" Pantoliano) (AKA Joey "Paul's Never Seen The Sopranos, So He Can't Reference It" Pantoliano).

He was outside Starbucks at the Sherman Oaks Galleria. He was shoving his cell phone into another person's face. Holly-weird!

I'd just like to take this moment and point out how illustrious and star-driven my Celebrity Sight-o-List is.

Thank you.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

After nearly four weeks in Los Angeles, California, I finally secured a job yesterday. I'm logging footage for the new reality-series version of Gilligan's Island.

What's "logging" you ask? Well, I watch numerous videotapes (containing hours and hours of footage shot for the show) and write in a computer what happened in those tapes. That way, other folks can read the logs and figure out how to create a narrative using this information. So far, it's a pretty cool job. I would tell you more, but I signed a confidentiality agreement.

Instead of making a dumb "I'd have to kill you" joke right now, I'll just share a humorous story with you: Last week, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee and it wasn't until 15 seconds of urination that I realized I was pissing on my closed toilet seat.

I'd tell you more... but then I'd have to kill you.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Rumors are circulating that there's been another addition to the Celebrity Sight-o-List.

Well, folks! The rumors are true!

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)

Watanabe, of course, portrayed 1984's favorite foriegn-exchange student, Long Duk Dong, from John Hughes' landmark Sixteen Candles. He was drinking tea with a friend.


Some of you maybe wondering, "But, Paul, you saw Alex Trebek yesterday. Why didn't he make the Celebrity Sight-o-List?" Well, that's because I have certain guidelines. Geeze, you can be so accusatory. Asshole.

One rule: All brushes-with-celebrity must be spontaneous. I knew, for instance, that going to Jeopardy! would guarantee a celebrity-sighting. The same was true with seeing Bob Odenkirk at the Comedy Death Ray show or Vincent Gallo at the Brown Bunny vs. Predator screening.

However, if I had gone to Jeopardy! and seen... Prince... in the audience, I could have put Prince on the list. But I didn't see Prince. I saw Alex Trebek make jokes about his daughter having cross-eyes.

Triple Double indeed!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Yesterday, Adam and I went to a taping of Jeopardy!

It was way awesome. Beloved host Alex Trebek made jokes about how he enjoys female sportscasters on ESPN (because he can watch them be hot) and kidded that a stupid guy on the crew was hired because of "The Americans with Disabilities Act."

What a nice, grown man.

And to answer your question... no, we did not get to see Jeopardy! contestant Ken "75 Wins" Jennings in action. In case you haven't heard, he lost last Thursday (which happened to be the show's previous day of shooting). This means that Adam and I were one day away from seeing "The Great Fall of Jennings."

Awwww, well.

Fortunately, we did get to see a photo of Alex Trebek's young children on jumbo TV screens. And in his charateristic trait of limitless compassion, Mr. Trebek commented how his 8 year-old daughter looked cross-eyed.

Daily Double indeed!

Sunday, September 12, 2004

How long have I had the last name "Rust?" 8 - maybe 10 - years? At the very least, 14.

And all this time, I never once considered the full meaning of my last name...

Until three days ago when it hit me.

Corrosion. Decay. Decomposition.

You, my friends, are "rust."

These, of course, are interesting "last name" synonyms for somone who fetishizes freshly-opened DVD's over crumbling paperbacks and who clutches his youthful vitality in fear of an open casket (AKA beer-guts and interest rates).

Granted, I'm not going to take much stock in a name I happened to be born with, but for someone as self-obsessed as myself, I don't know why it took me so long to consider its ramifications.

Watch Paul Decay Age Behind Glass.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Patrick stands on The Price is Right stage, staring at prizes he may or may not win. There's luggage. There's pots and pans. There's golf clubs.

Patrick is going to be a freshman at college this year and Bob Barker (with his decades of broadcasting experience) knows there's a story in all of this. There's drama.

BOB BARKER: As a freshman, you'll probably need luggage, right?
PATRICK: (nervously) Yes, yes. I will. Yes.
BOB BARKER: And you'll be living in a dorm, so...

Right then is when I know what Bob is doing. After all this chit-chat and conversational foreplay, Bob's going to proclaim, "At college... you'll need... that!" He'll point to his left, the curtain will rise, and parked before Bob and Patrick will be a brand-new, shiny car. Patrick's gonna' crap his pants.

So I await the big reveal.

BOB BARKER: (continued) ... You probably won't need pots and pans.
PATRICK: No, no. I won't.
BOB BARKER: How about the golf clubs? Do you golf?
PATRICK: No, but I've always wanted to learn.
BOB BARKER: But in a few years, after you graduate, you could use...

Here it comes. Brace yourselves.

BOB BARKER: ... the pots and pans.
PATRICK: The pots and pans, yeah.

The suspsense tightens. Bob's playing Patty like a fiddle - a big, college-freshman fiddle.

The car will appear any moment now. I'm tapping my foot and shifting back and forth. I'm more invested in this than Bob, Patrick, or any member of the studio audience. Then Bob says the magic words.

BOB BARKER: So... let's start the game, shall we?



No car. They begin their game and I lose interest.

In the end, Patrick won that luggage. Those pots and pans. Those golf clubs.

Then, two commercial breaks later, Patrick spins that big wheel, hits "100" and "15," and wins five thousand dollars.

So, who needs a car anyway?

Still... y'know... it would have been nice.

Monday, September 06, 2004


This past summer, I saw 19 motion pictures in the theatre. I had been waiting to introduce this ranking until I saw Alien Vs. Predator or The Exorcist: The Beginning or some other late-August franchise release, but instead, I went to The Brown Bunny Vs. Predator. Guess what? Predator won!

JUST SO YOU KNOW: Titles most notably missing from this list are: Van Helsing, The Chronicles of Riddick, and The Bourne Supremacy. Apparently, I have no interest in seeing films about lone men taking on large, villianous syndicates. Then again, I did see Sleepover.

So, without further a-glue...

1. Anchorman
Tonight's Story: This newsman delivers!

2. Spiderman 2: Mystery of The White Stallions
Spiderman 2 swings with action and humor - and really soars!

3. The Terminal
This movie gave me Terminal bliss!

4. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry Potter
casts a magical spell of wonder and awe!

5. Collateral
I liked collater-all of it.

6. I, Robot
I, Robot
? I, Entertained!

7. The Manchurian Candidate
Sorry, George W. Bush and John Leroy Kerry. I'm casting my vote for The Manchurain Candidate.

8. The Day After Tomorrow
I'd see this movie today, tomorrow, and... a couple days after that!

9. Shrek 2
Eddie Murphy made me laugh ogre... and ogre... and ogre!

10. The Brown Bunny
I heard The Brown Bunny is going to have a sequel. 36 of them in one day!

11. Hero
If this Hero was a hero-sandwich, it'd be six inches long, smothered in meatballs, and taste, y'know, pretty good. Not great or anything, but alright.

12. Troy
I've never been inside a fake, wooden horse.

13. Farenheit 9/11
Michael Moore: Conflicting Those With Progressive Ideals, But Who Still Have Good Taste Since 1989.

14. Garfield: The Movie
I realized how this movie didn't reach its full potential when my friend Rick said he wanted a scene where Garfield wore a tuxedo and posed as a human waiter. I have my fingers crossed for a deleted scene on the DVD.

15. The Village
One village. 300 idiots.

16. Sleepover
During the movie, I sat between two people. In case a killer came in, he'd kill the two people around me first.

17. Dodgeball
I pick you last for my team! And third-to-last on my summer movie ranking.

18. White Chicks
Get out of my way-ans!

19. Catwoman
Me-ouch! Catwoman dumped her litterbox into my bag of popcorn! Now I'm eating cat turds instead of popcorn!

Bye, friends! Take me out to the ballgame indeed!

Saturday, September 04, 2004


Hey, kids. As you know, early September means two things:

1. The official start of the new school-year
2. The official start of the new teacher-prankin' season

As such, here's a Patented Paul Rust Prank that is sure to have them laffin' in the classroom. Try this one on next Friday:

TEACHER: Alright, everybody. And remember to bring (such-and-such an item) to school tomorrow.
FUNNY STUDENT: But, teacher... tomorrow's Saturday!

Of course, this all hinges on being a Friday and having the teacher reference the next day, but believe me... this prank is golden!

See you next Saturday at... KIDS KORNER.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

One magical night, Frankie Muniz (from TV's Malcolm Likes The Middle) was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

While pitching Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination Likes London, he discussed how he won a "Pimped-Out SUV" contest.

The audience gasped in shock... and wonder.

Conan inquired exactly what Francis' SUV contained that made it so worthy of such a high honor.

"It has everything," Senor Muniz bragged. "It's got two CD players, three TV sets... and a VCR."

Really, Frankie? A VCR? Wow. I bet you can watch your VHS copy of Money Train whenever you want, huh?!

Hey, Sir Francis Muniz, here's a word of warning: you better stay outta' my neighborhood! I'll slit you from ear to ear and take your award-winning SUV.

Oh, dear. Yes. I gotta' get my hands on some of that sweet VCR!

Tuesday, August 31, 2004


Get out your photo-cameras (i.e. "soul-stealers"). It's time to record a monumental event. I saw my first celebrity in Los Angeles, CA!

And that celebrity was?

Dave "Gruber" Allen!

Granted, this name may not mean much to you (i.e. "soul-stealer"), but to Freaks and Geeks fans like myself, it's quite a thrill to see the man who so wonderfully portrayed hippie-guidance counselor, Mr. Jeff Rosso.

This brings up the Celebrity Sight-O List to: 1.

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen

Who will be the next celebrity?

My fingers are crossed for the cast of Superbabies: Baby Genuises 2.