Tuesday, May 31, 2005

In case you missed it over the holiday, there's a new entry for Sunday.

If you're the 25,000th person to visit my blog (check counter on the right), then please sign my guestbook (also on the right). It'll be like writing your name in wet cement in 1986, so for years, kids will see it on their way to school and wonder who the hell you are/were.

Tonight, I will be performing at...

Tuesday, May 31st

Headlined by: DOUG BENSON


Plus! RON LYNCH and his tape recorders!!

1253 N. Vine St.
Hollywood - corner of Vine & Fountain
Res: 323-856-0036
more info: funbunchcomedy.com

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Sundays are weird, huh? As a kid, I always hated Sundays. They were the weekend's death rattle. I'd just think about how school was the next day and how I'd have to wait another 5 days before FUN could occur again. Plus, church was boring and the NBC "Sunday Night Movie" usually sucked - excluding their spectacular 1992 presentation of "Tremors" (thank you, Warren Littlefield).

In case you were wondering, this feeling can also be filed under: "The Feeling You Got When Target Started Airing "Back to School" Commercials in Early August" or "The Feeling You Got When Dusk Approached on a School Night." You know how it goes. Dread and melancholy. And loneliness, too? How'd you get in there?!

Sundays, however, do hold SOME warm memories for me. Between the ages of 5-7, I would sit on my mom's lap and we'd read the "Sunday funnies" together. My mom - being clever and identifying opportunities to encourage youth literacy - would often get me to read aloud my favorite comics. I remember one time, Linus (from "Peanuts") was trying to get Charlie Brown's attention in class and went, "Pssst." I, of course, sounded it out and accidentially read the word aloud as "pissed." Boy, did mom and I laugh at that one!

But all in all, Sundays sucked and everybody knew it.

Not anymore though. Since I'm a "grown up," school-on-Mondays are dead and I can do whatever I want. Like tonight? I'm getting together with friends and watching "Revenge of the Nerds" AND "Revenge of the Nerds Part 2." I'll probably even eat pizza. And ice cream. And I'll take my evening bath when I'm good and ready, goddamit.

But... y'know... "school-on-Mondays" isn't really the issue here. The dreariness of "Sundays" still remains. Just not on Sundays. And in a different form.

It's like... ? Okay. In third grade, my hatred for Sundays was so strong that I'd actually start dreading it by Saturday night. Instead of just enjoying "Saturday Night Live," I'd be thinking about how much it would suck to watch "60 Minutes" at the dinner table the next day. And how that big ticking "60 Minutes" clock would mock me, reminding me that time was passing and there was nothing I could do about it.



A couple months ago, I was bitching about this to a friend. And he - providing helpful advice - cited the Japanese and how they don't mourn the transitory, but find beauty in it. And how maybe I could do that, too.

But I doubt the Japanese even watch "Saturday Night Live."

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Hey, everybody. Thanks for all your responses to the "Mony Mony" mystery. I will post people's suggestions on my blog soon enough.

In the meantime, look at this:

Fireball Deluxe


Thursday, May 19, 2005

You know the song "Mony Mony" by Tommy James and the Shondells (later covered by Billy Idol)?

You've probably heard it on your radio. Or for you tech-savvy folks, a CD player. Or for the even savvier, an iPod. Or for the savviest, a... spaceship. With a hoverboard scotch-taped to the side of it. And an ALF doll sewn to the back.

But most certainly, you've heard it played at high school dances and wedding receptions. That is where "Mony Mony" reigns supreme! Remember how Aunt Carol danced to it at Mark and Rebecca's wedding? And she NEVER dances!

So, inevitably, every time "Mony Mony" is played at one of these occasions, a crowd of people chant a phrase in unison during the verses. I think you know what I'm talking about. But I DON'T. You see, I myself have never heard it. But I know it goes something like: "Mah Mah Cah Cah Hadie Hadie Ha Ha."

And that's probably not it. Cuz it's weird.

Ever since I was a youth, I've always wondered WHAT that phrase was. But I was too afraid/embarrassed to ask because I got the sinking suspsicion that it was "dirty" or "naughty." In fact, if memory serves me correctly, I recall some high schools barring it from disc-jockey's catalogs to prevent mass naughtiness. Just like those "Bart Simpsons" t-shirts!

That's all well and good for high school dances and "Bart Simpsons," but the problem remains... I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE CHANTING!!!

So I'm using this blog and asking for your help. Now I've only done this one other time (last year, when my son was kidnapped and I called for you - my bloggies - to search for him) and this time, it's even more important! So, if you know the (possibly naughty) phrase that crowds of people chant during the verses of "Mony Mony," please email me at strangelove45@hotmail.com. I'd forever be in your debt.

Thank you.

(And oh, for those of you who tipped me off that my kidnapped son was being held hostage in the "Superman: The Escape" ride at Magic Mountain... I thank you).

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I want to make a t-shirt.

Specifically, a t-shirt for babies.

And it would read: "It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Teething)."

In case you were wondering... yes, this would be the cutest t-shirt ever.

And oh! It'd also feature a Li'l Baby Bob Dylan holding a bottle. And wearing a bonnet. With a pacifier in his mouth.

This, of course, would be the first in a long line of "Baby Dylan"-brand t-shirts, including:

- "The Free-crawlin' Baby Dylan"
- "The Diapers They Are A-Changing"
- "Drool on the Tracks"

More titles will appear depending on customer demand (or if I can come up with some more).

And don't forget about the popular "Baby Beatles" fashion line. Who can forget such classics as:

- "Can't Buy Me Baby Food."
- "Hey Jude (You're a Baby)"
- "The Muppet Babies Theme Song"

This was all fake. All of it.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Uh-oh! Friday the 13th is HERE! But don't worry, my creepies. Here's some ways to keep yourself "lucky" on this most "unluckiest" of days!

If you see a black cat... RUN!!! Seriously. RUN!!! To be safe, don't even go near skunks (AKA "Black Cats' Second Cousins"). And to be doubly safe, don't even listen to Janet Jackson's Top-40 hit "Black Cat." Or anything on "Rhythm Nation 1814," for that matter. I don't care if you ARE throwing an "Escapade" party tonight.

Good news: Throwing salt gives you good luck. Bad news: Explaining the mess to Mother!

I know, I know. We all want to walk under ladders. It's one of the great American traditions (akin to baseball, apple pie, and our obsesson with not letting cats cross our paths or salt not go over our shoulders). But if you want Old Man Lucky (TM) to be kind to you on Friday the 13th, you'll steer clear of dem ladders. So look, you can either walk under a ladder or not... but I advise you to do... the latter? YAY!

Although the method of kissing a frog isn't as popular as the previous 3, doctors have proven it actually works the best. Remember, ladies: you gotta' kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince! (writer's note: kissing frogs will get you pregnant. very pregnant.)

Whatever you do - WHATEVER YOU DO - do NOT break a mirror! It causes 7 years bad luck! Take it from me (Paul Rust of "Watch Paul Rust Age Behind Glass" fame). Immediately after I was born, I broke 4 mirrors in the maternity room (it was a complicated pregnancy).

Do the math: 4 mirrors x 7 years = ay yi yi yi! Ever since, my life has been a series of unfortunate Limony Snickets. And at 24 years old, I still got 4 years to go! In truth, however, perhaps I've used this supposed "curse" as an excuse to NOT do better. Or try harder. Or make a difference.

Huh. Maybe instead of breaking mirrors, Paul Rust should look into one... and discover Paul Rust.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Well, it's May 10th! And you know what means... all the big-time Hollywood movie studios have announced the taglines for their summer blockbusters! Let's take a look, okay?!

1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
TAGLINE: "The Saga is Complete."

2. The Longest Yard
TAGLINE: "It was hard to put a team together... until they found out who they were playing."

3. Madagascar
TAGLINE: "Just when you thought the MGM Lion was the grumpiest... here comes Alex the Lion! (voiced by Ben Stiller of Meet the Fockers)"

4. Cinderella Man
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Cinerella Man?! Holy shiiiiiiit!"

5. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
TAGLINE: "The true life story of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's 1993 trip to Branson, Missouri. Rated PG-13."

6. Batman Begins
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Batman Cinderella?! Why, I never!"

7. Bewitched
TAGLINE: "Hocus Pocus Let's-go-to-this!"

8. War of the Worlds
TAGLINE: "E.T. - Gettin' Grumpy! Rated PG-13, Too."

9. Fantastic Four
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (FART!) TWO Cinderella Men?!! Kiss me, darlin'!"

10. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
TAGLINE: "You'll Never Eat Chocolate Again!"

11. Bad News Bears
TAGLINE: "We Got Some Bad News and Some Good News. Good News is... This Movie's About Baseball. Bad News is... Bears!"

12. Pink Panther
TAGLINE: "Don't lay down on the insulation in your attic. It may look comfy, but it's itchy."

13. Cinderella Man Part II
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (SOUND OF A HUG) Yes. Cinderella Man."

It's funny how all the studios' taglines are weird and goofy. That's why I only go to independent films (mainly documentaries and foreign films). Keep churnin' out the crap, H-Wood! I'll be going to "The Real Cancun" and "The Full Monty!"

Monday, May 09, 2005

Today, I remembered how my mom and I used to refer to Hardee's (the massively popular Midwestern fast-food chain) as "Hardy-Har-Har's."

I'd be five years old. Me and mom would be in some department store and I'd ask, "Can we go to Hardy-Har-Har's?" And she'd smile and say, "Yeah, I think we can go to Hardy-Har-Har's."

I like that memory.

I also like the memory of me sitting on top of a hamper as I watched my mom put on make-up in the bathroom mirror.

Those memories make me happy.

Hey, it's a Mother's Day blog!

Hallmark should make Mother's Day greeting cards with an illustration of a boy sitting on a hamper with his mom putting on make-up and saying, "Hardy-Har-Har."

Hmmm. Looks like I got an Internet petition to start for Hallmark Incorporated!

Friday, May 06, 2005

Sure has been a long time since my last post, hasn't it? I know, I know. Sometimes grandma forgets.

So guess where I was for the past couple days? That's right. Las Vegas! How'd you know? Gosh, you must be either: a) a very good guesser or B) a ghost who follows me around. If you happen to be "B" and are reading this, by all means, please wear a little derby, so you can look cute like this little fella.

For all you non-Boo-Berries out there, here's a rundown of what Bmax, DJ, and I did in Las Vegas:

- We stayed at the hotel/casino Imperial Palace. Whereas dumps like the Bellagio offer a breath-taking butterfly conservatory and junkyards like Caesar's Palace provide a gorgeous Greek pool, the magnificent Imperial Palace has... yes, "Dealertainers."

It's fantastic! Instead of regular, boring casino dealers, Imperial Palace has CELEBRITY IMPERSONATORS work the tables. Get it? "Dealers + Entertainers = still doesn't make sense." Here's a picture gallery that you're dying to see.

And trust me, you haven't lived until you've seen Jake Blues (of the Blues Brothers) finish a dance routine, then look at his watch, breathe a sigh of disappointment, and walk off into the men's bathroom. Remember the slogan: what happens in Vegas... stays with you forever and crushes your soul.

-We went to "We Will Rock You," the futuristic musical-comedy based on the music of rock sensations, Queen. It was... incredible! Tell me: would you like me less (or MORE?!) if you knew that I wept during the "Somebody to Love" segment? If you'd like me more, then yes... I cried like a baby. If you'd like me less, then... melt that block of ice you call a heart.

- We rode a thrill ride known as "The X-scream". Here's the Stratosphere Hotel's description: "At 866 feet, X Scream is the world's third highest thrill ride. Shaped like a giant teeter-totter, X Scream is an open vehicle that propels riders head-first, 27 feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Tower and dangles them weightlessly above the Strip before pulling it's riders back and over again for more!"

Here's my decription: "Ehhh. I want out. Stop this. Why did I agree to do this? I want off. Stop this. Stop the ride. Please! I want off!" Mind you, I never uttered these words, but... they were screaming in my mind during the entire ride. Actually, these very same words are my daily morning affirmation as well.

Now I'm back in Los Angeles: the greatest thrill ride of them all!

...after "Autopia" in Disneyland.