Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Here's a little known fact about Steven Spielberg's 1991 film Hook:

It's the first movie in history that no one liked.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Installment #37: Purchasing Coca-Cola

1. Go to your local Albertson's grocery store. Walk, don't drive. After all, Albertson's is just around the corner. It's exercise for you and good for the environment!

2. Pick up a 12-pack of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style) and bring it to the register for purchase.

3. Listen to Albertson's cashier lady as she tells you: "If you buy 1 pack of Coke, you get 2 free." Consider how this is a deal you can't refuse.

4. Go back and grab 2 more 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic. IMPORTANT: Make sure to forget that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

5. Purchase 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style). As cashier lady rings you up, reflect on how Coca-Cola seems to put Santa Claus on their cans earlier and earlier with each passing year. Reflect only on that.

6. Watch Albertson's sacker put groceries in plastic bags. When sacker asks if you want your bags in a cart, then - and only then - let it dawn on you that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

7. Walk the 2 blocks back to you apartment while struggling to carry 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-style).

8. On your walk, attempt multiple, unsuccessful methods of carrying 3 12-packs at once (i.e. one pack in each hand and the third pack under your arm, two packs in one hand and the third pack in the other hand, one pack in one hand and two packs under your arm). Rotate between each method every 50 feet.

9. Get embarrassed when a woman walks by and laughs at how you (a grown man) is struggling to carry 3 12-packs of soda pop.

10. At long last, enter your home. Kick back, relax, and award yourself with a tall, cool glass of... Diet Rite?!! Oh, no! Back to Albertson's, I guess!***

***Step #10 was written by author O. Henry

Monday, November 12, 2007

I recently had the pleasure of being interviewed by Dean Ryan from Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly, the magazine completely devoted to the study and appreciation of tiny brown rowboats. Here's the interview in its entirety:

Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly (TBRM): Hey, Paul, thanks for sitting down for this interview.

Paul Rust (PR): The pleasure is all mine. I'm a huge fan of Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly. And obviously, tiny brown rowboats as objects.

TBRM: So, let's get right down to the "nuts and bolts," as they say: how long have you owned your tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Oh. I don't own a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: You... don't?

PR: Nope.

TBRM: But certainly, you owned a tiny brown rowboat at some point in your life?

PR: I have never once owned a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: Hmmm.

PR: Does that surprise you, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: I guess I'm just --- I'm shocked. I mean, it begs the question: why have you been reading Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly all these years if you yourself don't own a tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Do you read Newsweek, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything ---

PR: Do you OWN a "newsweek?"

TBRM: Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I ---

PR: Then why must I own a tiny brown rowboat to read Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly? Glass houses!

TBRM: You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, "Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I own a newsweek."

PR: You own a "newsweek." How is that even possible?

TBRM: What are you implying? That because I'm earning a journalist's wages, I can't afford to own my own "newsweek?"

PR: No, it's just that a "newsweek" doesn't even exist. It's not an object you could own.

TBRM: Really? Come with me. I want to show you something.

(PAUL RUST follows DEAN RYAN from TINY BROWN ROWBOAT MONTHLY as he walks to DEAN RYAN'S garage. DEAN RYAN opens his garage door)

(PAUL RUST gasps)

PR: Dear God!

TBRM: Now do you believe that a "newsweek" can exist?

PR: I do now!!!

TBRM: Good. May we continue with this interview?

PR: (really shaken up) Gladly. But just let me --- I'm so --- allow me to apologize. I'm sorry I doubted you about owning a "newsweek." Now that I see it... it's so... so... it's so obvious what a "newsweek" is and what it could be and I can't believe I ever doubted you.

TBRM: Water under the bridge, Mr. Rust.

PR: One more thing. And then we can continue with this interview.

TRBM: Go ahead.

PR: May I see your little brown rowboat?

TBRM: I don't own one. Never have.