PAUL RUST'S GUIDE TO EASY LIVING
Installment #37: Purchasing Coca-Cola
1. Go to your local Albertson's grocery store. Walk, don't drive. After all, Albertson's is just around the corner. It's exercise for you and good for the environment!
2. Pick up a 12-pack of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style) and bring it to the register for purchase.
3. Listen to Albertson's cashier lady as she tells you: "If you buy 1 pack of Coke, you get 2 free." Consider how this is a deal you can't refuse.
4. Go back and grab 2 more 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic. IMPORTANT: Make sure to forget that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.
5. Purchase 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style). As cashier lady rings you up, reflect on how Coca-Cola seems to put Santa Claus on their cans earlier and earlier with each passing year. Reflect only on that.
6. Watch Albertson's sacker put groceries in plastic bags. When sacker asks if you want your bags in a cart, then - and only then - let it dawn on you that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.
7. Walk the 2 blocks back to you apartment while struggling to carry 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-style).
8. On your walk, attempt multiple, unsuccessful methods of carrying 3 12-packs at once (i.e. one pack in each hand and the third pack under your arm, two packs in one hand and the third pack in the other hand, one pack in one hand and two packs under your arm). Rotate between each method every 50 feet.
9. Get embarrassed when a woman walks by and laughs at how you (a grown man) is struggling to carry 3 12-packs of soda pop.
10. At long last, enter your home. Kick back, relax, and award yourself with a tall, cool glass of... Diet Rite?!! Oh, no! Back to Albertson's, I guess!***
***Step #10 was written by author O. Henry