Wednesday, October 29, 2008

PAUL IS DEAD. Not me, silly. Paul McCartney. Or so goes the urban legend.

In case you haven't heard, the story is that Paul McCartney of The Beatles died in 1966 and was replaced by a look-alike and sound-alike. Folks say that the surviving Beatles deliberately placed hints referring to Paul's death in their lyrics, album artwork, and backward messages.

A lot of people think this is hogwash. WELL, I DON'T!

In fact, I recently came across the track list for The Beatles "Abbey Road" and was shocked to discover how THE BEATLES ARE OBVIOUSLY HINTING THAT PAUL IS DEAD IN THE SONG TITLES!!! It only requires the smallest amount of interpretation. Take a look...

1."Come Together"
Get it? As in, let's "come together" to mourn Paul's death. Seems obvious, doesn't it? Well, the hints only get more obvious with each song...

What do people always say when a person dies? "We should get something for the family." OR: "The tombstone should say something." OR: " "Let's bury him in something." If I've heard that last statement once at a funeral, I've heard it a million times.

3."Maxwell's Silver Hammer"
Now I don't have proof to back me up, but I think we can all safely assume that the guy who pounded the nails into Paul's coffin was named Maxwell. And by "safely assume," I mean "certainly know." We can also certainly know that Maxwell used a hammer to do the job. The only creative leap required to make the interpretation work is that Maxwell's hammer was probably not silver, but more likely, gold or bronze. Leave it to those tricksters, The Beatles, to try and throw us off!

4. "Oh! Darling!"
Say "Oh Darling" over and over really fast. I did. After an hour, you know what it starts to sound like? "Isn't it sad that Paul has died?" Go ahead. Do it. This blog will still be here when you come back.

5. "Octupus's Garden"
First of all, how freaky was it that after an hour of repeating "Oh! Darling!" it sounded like "Isn't it sad that Paul has died?" Secondly, Paul was allegedly murdered by an octopus in his garden.

6. "I Want You (She's So Heavy")
The theory that "She's So Heavy" refers to the weight Paul's pallbearers had to carry is a theory shared by many people (or "MORONS" as I'll call them). Helllllooooo? Paul is a HE. Not a SHE. Clearly, "She's So Heavy" is in reference to Paul's wife who was so sad about her husband's death that she ate a lot of cake and got fat.

7. "Here Comes the Sun"
Experienced a
Neck injury during a motorcycle accident which led to his untimely death.

8. "Because"
God, why did Paul have to die?
"Because," God said.

9. "The Medley" (a musical suite consisting of 8 songs)
At the reading of Paul's will, his relatives likely said "You Never Give Me Your Money," but took comfort in knowing that Paul was now with the The Sun King (which is how the British refer to God) and not Mean Mr. Mustard (which is how the British refer to Satan) or Polythene Pam (which is how the British refer to Satan's wife) who is, of course, infamous for the time She Came In Through the Bathroom Window of Nelson Rockefeller's home to sleep on his bed of dubloons (to partake in Golden Slumbers, no doubt) before having to remain inactive or in a state of repose until the main character of "Sex and the City" appeared (i.e. Wait for Carrie) (i.e. Carry That Weight) and then listened to that one song on Abbey Road entitled "The End."

10. "Her Majesty"
I could try to come up with an interpretation for this song title, but it would be a stretch.

Well, I hope this was as eye-opening for you as it was for me. Some of you may disagree with my findings, but I guess it's like the title of that old Beatles song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want (But If You Try Some Time, You Might Just Find, You Get What You Need)."

Monday, October 13, 2008

Well, it's time for my weekly segment "GIVE ME A BREAK" where I take a look at all that's going on in our world and say: "Give me a break!!"

Y'know, sometimes, I just wish it was November 5 already. I really mean that. That way, we wouldn't have to hear all this garbage about who's going to be our next President. Barack Obama? John McCain? Let's just declare "Tony the Tiger" president and get it over with! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

I once read a refrigerator magnet that said: "We now interrupt this marriage to bring you the football season." Haha! HOW TRUE! Granted, I'm not married and the subject here is baseball, but I think the basic idea still applies: We need to rid the world of all pro baseball teams or we risk the legal outlawing of marriage. Stop baseball from happening, President-to-Be Tony the Tiger! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

Okay, kids. Me and your mom understand: You want us to buy you the new Woody and Buzz Lightyear dolls! Well, I'll tell you what. If you like cowboys fighting spacemen so much... THEN PICK UP A HISTORY BOOK! It's filled with all kinds of true-life stories about Wild West cowpokes lasso-ing astronauts. And if you don't believe me, just ask our current president: Tony the Tiger! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

Listen up, world, I'll cut you a deal: I write you a check for 5 trillion dollars and in exchange? YOU SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH!! To be honest, I'm surprised our long-standing President Tony T. Tiger hasn't taken care of this already (isn't this why we made it legal for presidents to have 5 terms?). GIVE ME A BREAK!!

After 36 years as our President of the United States of America, you entered that great cereal jungle in the sky. Man, heaven's gonna' one helluva band! Give me a break? Not today. Give yourself a break, Tony. You earned it.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Last week, I received some exciting news about a role in a movie. And today, it was officially announced in Variety.

You can read about it online here

Next Monday, I leave for Vancouver - where I'll be shooting until the end of May. I'm really excited!

If you'd like, you can catch me in a couple shows before I leave LA:

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL (long-form improv)
Friday, February 29 - 11pm
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Ave - Los Angeles)

Friday, February 29 - midnight
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Ave - Los Angeles)


Sunday, February 17, 2008

Did you hear the latest entertainment news? The San Diego Zoo bought the rights to all of Clint Eastwood's movies (just the ones he starred in).

Now they're remaking each and every one... with their own San Diego Zoo-style twist!

Here's a list of all the San Diego Zoo's upcoming Clint Eastwood remakes:

1. A Fistful of Dollars = A Fistful of Dolphins
2. For a Few Dollars More = For a Few Dolphins More
3. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly = The Good, The Bat, and the Ugly
4. Paint Your Wagon = Paint Your Waggin' Tail
5. Play Misty for Me = Play Misty for Me-erkat
6. Dirty Harry = Dirty HAIRy
7. High Plains Drifter = High Plains Dragon (note: they now have dragons at the zoo)
8. Magnum Force = Magnum Four-ce (note: because animals often have 4 legs)
9. Thunderbolt and Lightfoot = Tiger-bear and Lice-fox
10. The Outlaw Josey Wales = The Outlaw Josey WHales
11. The Enforcer = The En-FOUR-cer (note: again, animals have 4 legs)
12. The Gauntlet = The Gaunt-lettuce (note: turtles eat lettuce)
13. Any Which Way But Loose = Any Which Way But Goose
14. Escape from Alcatraz = Escape from Al-CAT-raz
15. Bronco Billy = Bronco (Like, A Horse) Billy
16. Any Which Way You Can = Any Which Way You Tou-can
17. Firefox = Fire-hippo
18. Honkytonk Man = Honkytonk Man-atee
19. Sudden Impact = Sudden Impact: This Time, The Detective is a Cheetah
20. Tightrope = Tig(er)htrope
21. Two Mules for Sister Sara = Two Saras for Sister Mule
22. City Heat = Horsey Heat
23. Pale Rider = Pail Rider
24. Heartbreak Ridge = Heart-beak Ridge
25. The Dead Pool = The Dread Pool (note: an elephant has never had dreadlocks)
26. Pink Cadillac = Pink Caddyshack
27. White Hunter Black Heart = White Horse Black Horse is a Zebra
28. The Rookie = The Cookie
29. Unforgiven = UnFOURgiven (note: animals still often have four legs)
30. In the Line of Fire = In the Lion of Walrus
31. A Perfect World = A Purrrr-fect Kitty
32. The Bridges of Madison County = The Bridges of Madison Bloom County Characters
33. Absolute Power = Absolut Vodka Has Probably Featured an Animal in Their Ads Before, I Bet
34. True Crime = True Donkey
35. Space Cowboys = Young Guns 2
36. Blood Work = Blood Work
37. Million Dollar Baby = Million Dolphin Baby

I won't be able to see any of these movies because they're rated R and mommy won't allow me to see them.

Friday, February 01, 2008

When I was 9 years old, a friend of mine and I were watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade at his house. Halfway into the movie, my friend's mom came into the living room and started watching it with us.

She had never seen it before, so without describing the end of the film, we warned her that it contained a scene she might not want to stick around and watch (referring to the scary climax when the villain drinks from the wrong cup and rapidly turns into a corpse).

And she goes, "Why? Is there nudity?"


I ask you: What grown woman thinks an Indiana Jones movie would end with nudity?

I am VERY curious what sort of scenario she cooked up that could justify nudity in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Maybe she thought after finding the Holy Grail, Indiana Jones travels to a nearby high school, disguises himself as a female gym teacher and watches some girls shower? Or maybe before getting on his horse to ride of onto the sunset in the final shot, Indiana Jones turns to the camera and moons the audience?

Or shows his penis to the audience?

"One last peek before I go," Indiana Jones would say to camera, winking and smiling.

Needless to say, my fingers are crossed that my friend's mom did some uncredited script-doctoring on the forthcoming Indiana Jones 4 and that it will indeed end with an extreme close-up of Indiana Jones' genitals.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

2007: A Survey For The New Millenium!

This is the fourth year of me doing this survey. Let's go!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I ran a marathon. I bought clothes in Los Angeles. I put contact lenses into my eyes.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
For 2007, I didn't have any new year's resolutions, so there was nothing to keep. For 2008? Since new year's resolutions are opportunities to improve oneself and become a better person, I resolve to... make more funny videos and put 'em on the internet!!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Lots and lots and lots. There must have been something in the water! (NOTE: I checked with the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power and apparently, they dispensed a large percentage of liquid known as "HORNY WATER")

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Fortunately, no. And don't get any big ideas for 2008, Mr. Brooks!

5. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?

6. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory?
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
For the first time, I made a living from writing/performing

8. What was your biggest failure?
Taking that wrong turn in the marathon and shaving off 4 miles from my run. Months of training with no feeling of completion.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness? No. Injury? Nuh-uh. But was I in a jury? NO WAY!

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The cast of Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986)

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The cast of Biloxi Blues (1988)

12. Where did most of your money go?
I bought a car.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing and performing

14. What song will always remind you of 2007?
You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb (Spoon)

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
b) thinner or fatter?
The same.
c) richer or poorer?
"I have more money than last year" is probably a better way of putting it

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Hung out with my family in LeMars, Iowa

19. Did you fall in love in 2007?

20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

21. What was your favorite TV program?
I got into The Larry Sanders Show this year

22. What was the best book you read?
Born Standing Up by Steve Martin

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing Changes Around Here (The Thrills)

24. What did you want and get?
Good friends! Good times! Good health!

25. What did you want and not get?
A special pair of gloves that can change the color of a room (according to how many times I slap my hands together)

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
There Will Be Blood

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My friends and I watched Rookie of the Year, ate yummy food, and played a game where you had to guess what movie plot a person was pantomiming (Mookie's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo was a highlight). I turned 26.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Geeze Louise! I already said "consistency!"

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Li'l Scamp

30. What kept you sane?
I have friends who are compassionate, funny, and kind

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Frivilous lawsuits! They're making a mockery of our legal system! Last time I checked, coffee at McDonald's was supposed to be hot, people!

32. Who did you miss?
My family

33. Who was the best new person you met?

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration" (Steve Martin)

Monday, December 31, 2007

Hey! I wanted to post about this before I forgot, but I a really, really funny thing happened to me today at the Burbank airport.

I was waiting for my duffel bag at the luggage carousel and because my bag is red, whenever I saw a piece of red luggage.... I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE!!!

"Boy, you sure have a dumb brain," I said to myself (probably).

I should clarify: I didn't think ever piece of red luggage was my red duffel bag. Just certain pieces of red luggage (especially if it resembled a duffel bag from far away).

Like I said, it was really funny! Hey, I gave you fair warning, didn't I?