Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Last Sunday, some friends and I watched the "STAR WARS TRILOGY" on DVD (Digital-Valentine's-Day). Of course, the main question that eats at you while you watch the trilogy is... if I was editor for MAD Magazine, how would I make parodies of the titles?

I think it'd go a-little sum-thin... like this:

1. Star Wars (1977)
Parody Title: Car Doors! (1977)

2. The Empire Strikes Back
Parody Title: The Umpire Strikes Out! (1980)

3. Return of the Jedi
Parody Title: Refund of the Jet-Ski! (1983)

4. The Phantom Menance (1999)
Parody Title: The Panda Dennis! (1999)

5. Attack of the Clones (2002)
Parody Title: A Snack at McDonald's! (2002)

6. Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Parody Title: Refund of the Jet-Ski! (2005)

I am officially submitting this as my writing sample to MAD Magazine. I will have a job within three business days.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Last Thursday, I saw Pixies perform live. It was great! Of course, when every song in a band's catalog is "key-lassic," it's a SCIENTIFIC IMPOSSIBILITY not to have a fantastic show. Trust me. I checked with a scientist-friend of mine.

To celebrate this event, I will do the unimaginable: take a survey. And yes, I've waited the prerequisite six months since my last survey was taken. Limiting yourself to surveys in your blog is akin to an upstanding television series allowing itself only one "clips show" per season. I'm talking to you, Family Ties!

First car: My grandma's root-beer-colored 1982 Pontiac. Nickname: "Laserbeam."
First break-up: Bobbie Jo Langel; 8th grade; January 1996. And to think, we went to The Big Green together!
First screen name: Bananafish (as in - "A Perfect Day to Be a Douchey Salinger Fan")
First self purchased album: "Weird Al" Yankovic's Polka Party. Album Highlight: Mr. Yankovic's impassioned no-nukes anthem "Christmas at Grand Zero."
First pets: Joe, the black lab. Like all children, I named him after my favorite uncle. He later filed litigation.
First piercing/tattoo: I ain't no rock-n-roller, Mr. Jagger!
First credit card: I will assume you're referring to the "credit card" that is someone sticking their hand in between your butt-cheeks. If that's the case... I'm giving myself one right now.
First enemy: Computer printers! Am I right?
First big trip: The Moon; July 1969

Last cigarette: The one I put out on your face, narc!
Last car ride: The Moon; July 1969
Last kiss: My last "Knights in Satanic Service" meeting was... March, maybe?
Last good cry: Moonstruck!
Last library book checked out: "How to Burn Down a Library: An Easy 10-Step Guide to Ruining Buildings That You're Standing In"
Last movie seen: Splatter Farm (alternate title: Just Around the Corner, Joseph)
Last beverage drank: Hamburger juice!
Last food consumed: A big pile of dirt and twigs
Last phone call: Carson Daly
Last shoes worn: You wear shoes? Narc!
Last item bought: Shoes.
Last annoyance: The cancellation of Ed.
Last time scolded: Ladies and gentlemen, the first Internet survey written by a 2nd grader!

Did you hear about the new Pixies tribute album? It's a bunch of bands filling out Internet surveys.

Thursday, September 23, 2004


For the first time in seven-and-a-half years (since I first received my driver's license), I got in an accident. It wasn't a car-in-the-ditch accident or a car-through-the-pet-store-window accident, but it was an accident nonetheless. A first for everything, butch!

It was in a parking garage. I took the corner too sharp and I scraped the passenger-side door against a cement divider. It put a small dent in the door and took off some paint. Oh, and I took off the passenger-side rear view mirror as well.

Whatever the case, one thing's for sure: this will be one car ride I will never forget!***

*** (Unless I lose my memory in a horrible car-through-the-pet-store-window accident)

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

You can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting a celebrity!

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)

Patrick Renna, of course, masterfully portrayed Hamilton "Ham" Porter in 1993's The Sandlot. Likewise, he also masterfully portrayed a man eating burritos with his skateboarder friends on Virgil last Monday.

As for Randy Jackson, I saw him buying cigarettes at a Mobil gas station. Although Mr. Jackson may dish out stinging barbs as a judge on "American Idol," he was nothing but cordial by allowing me to budge ahead of him, so I could get a key for the bathroom.

Wow. Three celebrities in three days! Read 'em and weep, Leeza Gibbons!

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)

This afternoon, I saw Joey "I Eat Steak Outside of the Matrix" Pantoliano (AKA Joey "The Goonies Make Me Crunch My Nuts on a Log" Pantoliano) (AKA Joey "Paul's Never Seen The Sopranos, So He Can't Reference It" Pantoliano).

He was outside Starbucks at the Sherman Oaks Galleria. He was shoving his cell phone into another person's face. Holly-weird!

I'd just like to take this moment and point out how illustrious and star-driven my Celebrity Sight-o-List is.

Thank you.

Saturday, September 18, 2004

After nearly four weeks in Los Angeles, California, I finally secured a job yesterday. I'm logging footage for the new reality-series version of Gilligan's Island.

What's "logging" you ask? Well, I watch numerous videotapes (containing hours and hours of footage shot for the show) and write in a computer what happened in those tapes. That way, other folks can read the logs and figure out how to create a narrative using this information. So far, it's a pretty cool job. I would tell you more, but I signed a confidentiality agreement.

Instead of making a dumb "I'd have to kill you" joke right now, I'll just share a humorous story with you: Last week, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee and it wasn't until 15 seconds of urination that I realized I was pissing on my closed toilet seat.

I'd tell you more... but then I'd have to kill you.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Rumors are circulating that there's been another addition to the Celebrity Sight-o-List.

Well, folks! The rumors are true!

1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)

Watanabe, of course, portrayed 1984's favorite foriegn-exchange student, Long Duk Dong, from John Hughes' landmark Sixteen Candles. He was drinking tea with a friend.


Some of you maybe wondering, "But, Paul, you saw Alex Trebek yesterday. Why didn't he make the Celebrity Sight-o-List?" Well, that's because I have certain guidelines. Geeze, you can be so accusatory. Asshole.

One rule: All brushes-with-celebrity must be spontaneous. I knew, for instance, that going to Jeopardy! would guarantee a celebrity-sighting. The same was true with seeing Bob Odenkirk at the Comedy Death Ray show or Vincent Gallo at the Brown Bunny vs. Predator screening.

However, if I had gone to Jeopardy! and seen... Prince... in the audience, I could have put Prince on the list. But I didn't see Prince. I saw Alex Trebek make jokes about his daughter having cross-eyes.

Triple Double indeed!

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Yesterday, Adam and I went to a taping of Jeopardy!

It was way awesome. Beloved host Alex Trebek made jokes about how he enjoys female sportscasters on ESPN (because he can watch them be hot) and kidded that a stupid guy on the crew was hired because of "The Americans with Disabilities Act."

What a nice, grown man.

And to answer your question... no, we did not get to see Jeopardy! contestant Ken "75 Wins" Jennings in action. In case you haven't heard, he lost last Thursday (which happened to be the show's previous day of shooting). This means that Adam and I were one day away from seeing "The Great Fall of Jennings."

Awwww, well.

Fortunately, we did get to see a photo of Alex Trebek's young children on jumbo TV screens. And in his charateristic trait of limitless compassion, Mr. Trebek commented how his 8 year-old daughter looked cross-eyed.

Daily Double indeed!

Sunday, September 12, 2004

How long have I had the last name "Rust?" 8 - maybe 10 - years? At the very least, 14.

And all this time, I never once considered the full meaning of my last name...

Until three days ago when it hit me.

Corrosion. Decay. Decomposition.

You, my friends, are "rust."

These, of course, are interesting "last name" synonyms for somone who fetishizes freshly-opened DVD's over crumbling paperbacks and who clutches his youthful vitality in fear of an open casket (AKA beer-guts and interest rates).

Granted, I'm not going to take much stock in a name I happened to be born with, but for someone as self-obsessed as myself, I don't know why it took me so long to consider its ramifications.

Watch Paul Decay Age Behind Glass.

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Patrick stands on The Price is Right stage, staring at prizes he may or may not win. There's luggage. There's pots and pans. There's golf clubs.

Patrick is going to be a freshman at college this year and Bob Barker (with his decades of broadcasting experience) knows there's a story in all of this. There's drama.

BOB BARKER: As a freshman, you'll probably need luggage, right?
PATRICK: (nervously) Yes, yes. I will. Yes.
BOB BARKER: And you'll be living in a dorm, so...

Right then is when I know what Bob is doing. After all this chit-chat and conversational foreplay, Bob's going to proclaim, "At college... you'll need... that!" He'll point to his left, the curtain will rise, and parked before Bob and Patrick will be a brand-new, shiny car. Patrick's gonna' crap his pants.

So I await the big reveal.

BOB BARKER: (continued) ... You probably won't need pots and pans.
PATRICK: No, no. I won't.
BOB BARKER: How about the golf clubs? Do you golf?
PATRICK: No, but I've always wanted to learn.
BOB BARKER: But in a few years, after you graduate, you could use...

Here it comes. Brace yourselves.

BOB BARKER: ... the pots and pans.
PATRICK: The pots and pans, yeah.

The suspsense tightens. Bob's playing Patty like a fiddle - a big, college-freshman fiddle.

The car will appear any moment now. I'm tapping my foot and shifting back and forth. I'm more invested in this than Bob, Patrick, or any member of the studio audience. Then Bob says the magic words.

BOB BARKER: So... let's start the game, shall we?



No car. They begin their game and I lose interest.

In the end, Patrick won that luggage. Those pots and pans. Those golf clubs.

Then, two commercial breaks later, Patrick spins that big wheel, hits "100" and "15," and wins five thousand dollars.

So, who needs a car anyway?

Still... y'know... it would have been nice.

Monday, September 06, 2004


This past summer, I saw 19 motion pictures in the theatre. I had been waiting to introduce this ranking until I saw Alien Vs. Predator or The Exorcist: The Beginning or some other late-August franchise release, but instead, I went to The Brown Bunny Vs. Predator. Guess what? Predator won!

JUST SO YOU KNOW: Titles most notably missing from this list are: Van Helsing, The Chronicles of Riddick, and The Bourne Supremacy. Apparently, I have no interest in seeing films about lone men taking on large, villianous syndicates. Then again, I did see Sleepover.

So, without further a-glue...

1. Anchorman
Tonight's Story: This newsman delivers!

2. Spiderman 2: Mystery of The White Stallions
Spiderman 2 swings with action and humor - and really soars!

3. The Terminal
This movie gave me Terminal bliss!

4. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Harry Potter
casts a magical spell of wonder and awe!

5. Collateral
I liked collater-all of it.

6. I, Robot
I, Robot
? I, Entertained!

7. The Manchurian Candidate
Sorry, George W. Bush and John Leroy Kerry. I'm casting my vote for The Manchurain Candidate.

8. The Day After Tomorrow
I'd see this movie today, tomorrow, and... a couple days after that!

9. Shrek 2
Eddie Murphy made me laugh ogre... and ogre... and ogre!

10. The Brown Bunny
I heard The Brown Bunny is going to have a sequel. 36 of them in one day!

11. Hero
If this Hero was a hero-sandwich, it'd be six inches long, smothered in meatballs, and taste, y'know, pretty good. Not great or anything, but alright.

12. Troy
I've never been inside a fake, wooden horse.

13. Farenheit 9/11
Michael Moore: Conflicting Those With Progressive Ideals, But Who Still Have Good Taste Since 1989.

14. Garfield: The Movie
I realized how this movie didn't reach its full potential when my friend Rick said he wanted a scene where Garfield wore a tuxedo and posed as a human waiter. I have my fingers crossed for a deleted scene on the DVD.

15. The Village
One village. 300 idiots.

16. Sleepover
During the movie, I sat between two people. In case a killer came in, he'd kill the two people around me first.

17. Dodgeball
I pick you last for my team! And third-to-last on my summer movie ranking.

18. White Chicks
Get out of my way-ans!

19. Catwoman
Me-ouch! Catwoman dumped her litterbox into my bag of popcorn! Now I'm eating cat turds instead of popcorn!

Bye, friends! Take me out to the ballgame indeed!

Saturday, September 04, 2004


Hey, kids. As you know, early September means two things:

1. The official start of the new school-year
2. The official start of the new teacher-prankin' season

As such, here's a Patented Paul Rust Prank that is sure to have them laffin' in the classroom. Try this one on next Friday:

TEACHER: Alright, everybody. And remember to bring (such-and-such an item) to school tomorrow.
FUNNY STUDENT: But, teacher... tomorrow's Saturday!

Of course, this all hinges on being a Friday and having the teacher reference the next day, but believe me... this prank is golden!

See you next Saturday at... KIDS KORNER.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

One magical night, Frankie Muniz (from TV's Malcolm Likes The Middle) was on Late Night with Conan O'Brien.

While pitching Agent Cody Banks 2: Destination Likes London, he discussed how he won a "Pimped-Out SUV" contest.

The audience gasped in shock... and wonder.

Conan inquired exactly what Francis' SUV contained that made it so worthy of such a high honor.

"It has everything," Senor Muniz bragged. "It's got two CD players, three TV sets... and a VCR."

Really, Frankie? A VCR? Wow. I bet you can watch your VHS copy of Money Train whenever you want, huh?!

Hey, Sir Francis Muniz, here's a word of warning: you better stay outta' my neighborhood! I'll slit you from ear to ear and take your award-winning SUV.

Oh, dear. Yes. I gotta' get my hands on some of that sweet VCR!