Wednesday, October 29, 2008

PAUL IS DEAD. Not me, silly. Paul McCartney. Or so goes the urban legend.

In case you haven't heard, the story is that Paul McCartney of The Beatles died in 1966 and was replaced by a look-alike and sound-alike. Folks say that the surviving Beatles deliberately placed hints referring to Paul's death in their lyrics, album artwork, and backward messages.

A lot of people think this is hogwash. WELL, I DON'T!

In fact, I recently came across the track list for The Beatles "Abbey Road" and was shocked to discover how THE BEATLES ARE OBVIOUSLY HINTING THAT PAUL IS DEAD IN THE SONG TITLES!!! It only requires the smallest amount of interpretation. Take a look...

1."Come Together"
Get it? As in, let's "come together" to mourn Paul's death. Seems obvious, doesn't it? Well, the hints only get more obvious with each song...

What do people always say when a person dies? "We should get something for the family." OR: "The tombstone should say something." OR: " "Let's bury him in something." If I've heard that last statement once at a funeral, I've heard it a million times.

3."Maxwell's Silver Hammer"
Now I don't have proof to back me up, but I think we can all safely assume that the guy who pounded the nails into Paul's coffin was named Maxwell. And by "safely assume," I mean "certainly know." We can also certainly know that Maxwell used a hammer to do the job. The only creative leap required to make the interpretation work is that Maxwell's hammer was probably not silver, but more likely, gold or bronze. Leave it to those tricksters, The Beatles, to try and throw us off!

4. "Oh! Darling!"
Say "Oh Darling" over and over really fast. I did. After an hour, you know what it starts to sound like? "Isn't it sad that Paul has died?" Go ahead. Do it. This blog will still be here when you come back.

5. "Octupus's Garden"
First of all, how freaky was it that after an hour of repeating "Oh! Darling!" it sounded like "Isn't it sad that Paul has died?" Secondly, Paul was allegedly murdered by an octopus in his garden.

6. "I Want You (She's So Heavy")
The theory that "She's So Heavy" refers to the weight Paul's pallbearers had to carry is a theory shared by many people (or "MORONS" as I'll call them). Helllllooooo? Paul is a HE. Not a SHE. Clearly, "She's So Heavy" is in reference to Paul's wife who was so sad about her husband's death that she ate a lot of cake and got fat.

7. "Here Comes the Sun"
Experienced a
Neck injury during a motorcycle accident which led to his untimely death.

8. "Because"
God, why did Paul have to die?
"Because," God said.

9. "The Medley" (a musical suite consisting of 8 songs)
At the reading of Paul's will, his relatives likely said "You Never Give Me Your Money," but took comfort in knowing that Paul was now with the The Sun King (which is how the British refer to God) and not Mean Mr. Mustard (which is how the British refer to Satan) or Polythene Pam (which is how the British refer to Satan's wife) who is, of course, infamous for the time She Came In Through the Bathroom Window of Nelson Rockefeller's home to sleep on his bed of dubloons (to partake in Golden Slumbers, no doubt) before having to remain inactive or in a state of repose until the main character of "Sex and the City" appeared (i.e. Wait for Carrie) (i.e. Carry That Weight) and then listened to that one song on Abbey Road entitled "The End."

10. "Her Majesty"
I could try to come up with an interpretation for this song title, but it would be a stretch.

Well, I hope this was as eye-opening for you as it was for me. Some of you may disagree with my findings, but I guess it's like the title of that old Beatles song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want (But If You Try Some Time, You Might Just Find, You Get What You Need)."

Monday, October 13, 2008

Well, it's time for my weekly segment "GIVE ME A BREAK" where I take a look at all that's going on in our world and say: "Give me a break!!"

Y'know, sometimes, I just wish it was November 5 already. I really mean that. That way, we wouldn't have to hear all this garbage about who's going to be our next President. Barack Obama? John McCain? Let's just declare "Tony the Tiger" president and get it over with! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

I once read a refrigerator magnet that said: "We now interrupt this marriage to bring you the football season." Haha! HOW TRUE! Granted, I'm not married and the subject here is baseball, but I think the basic idea still applies: We need to rid the world of all pro baseball teams or we risk the legal outlawing of marriage. Stop baseball from happening, President-to-Be Tony the Tiger! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

Okay, kids. Me and your mom understand: You want us to buy you the new Woody and Buzz Lightyear dolls! Well, I'll tell you what. If you like cowboys fighting spacemen so much... THEN PICK UP A HISTORY BOOK! It's filled with all kinds of true-life stories about Wild West cowpokes lasso-ing astronauts. And if you don't believe me, just ask our current president: Tony the Tiger! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

Listen up, world, I'll cut you a deal: I write you a check for 5 trillion dollars and in exchange? YOU SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH!! To be honest, I'm surprised our long-standing President Tony T. Tiger hasn't taken care of this already (isn't this why we made it legal for presidents to have 5 terms?). GIVE ME A BREAK!!

After 36 years as our President of the United States of America, you entered that great cereal jungle in the sky. Man, heaven's gonna' one helluva band! Give me a break? Not today. Give yourself a break, Tony. You earned it.