Saturday, March 03, 2007

My ranking of 2006 movies continues...

21. Neil Young: Heart of Gold
If tapping your foot wasn't a crime, I would have tapped my foot throughout this entire movie!

22. Scoop
Two SCOOPS of Woody Allen please!

What's that you say? You don't make Woody Allen Ice Cream? Doesn't exist? Hmmm. Then... I'll have some Cherry Nut Ice Cream. You say you just ran out. Well then... let's go with the, uhhhh... Rocky Road? You ATE all the Rocky Road?!! Well, this is perfect. Juuuuuust perfect. What's the name of this ice cream parlour anyway? You're kidding me... Woody Allen's Ice Cream Shop. AND IT ALL COMES TOGETHER!!!

23. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
1, 2... SWASH-buckle my shoe?!! You heard it here first, folks!

24. Little Man

25. Rocky Balboa
Did you know that some professional boxers train by taking ballet lessons? Rocky Balboa doesn't, but some do. And not just boxers. All kinds of athletes. Basketball players. Football players. Baseball players. It helps them with their balance and strength and all that.

26. Strangers with Candy
Strangers with Candy? Or hardly working?!

27. Idiocracy
This movie should come with a warning: "NO DUMMIES ALLOWED!"

28. X-Men: The Last Stand
When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier's former ally, Magneto (McKellen).

29. Poseidon
Major misstep when the most likable character in the film (Kevin Dillon) was the first to die.

30. The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills may have eyes, but... I got ears! Cut down on the foul language!

31. A Scanner Darkly
They're making an underwater sequel (A Scanner Shark-ly), but not until they're done making a remake with an all-dog cast (A Scanner Bark-ly)... and a prequel featuring some chark (A Scanner Chark-ly).

32. This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Oh yes, it is! By me! D+!

33. The Da Vinci Code
Tom Hanks' worst film since The Risk Pool.

34. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story

35.For Your Consideration
Beware Caddyshack 2 fans! This is not a sequel to your favorite movie! The title is spelled with a "For," not a "Fore." I found out the hard way (I went to a country club and asked the head caddy for one ticket to Fore Your Consideration and he - very confused - asked me to leave... golfing to the pros!)

36. Date Movie
Anything but! (It's got some really crude humor from time to time)

37. Firewall
For serious, this was the first time I saw an I-Pod in a movie.

38. Lady in the Water
A lady in the water?! Someone call Erin Brokovich! (Bow)

39. Basic Instinct 2
#1 Way to Feel Weird: Watch this in a movie theatre on a Sunday night.

40. Miami Vice
Out of all the movies I saw in 2006, I would definitely rank this at #40.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Well, it's early March, which means I'll do what most film critics in the country are doing right now... ranking their favorite movies of 2006!

1. The Departed
Our greatest living director leads a Dream Team ensemble of actors - and by "Dream Team," I mean a cast that most resembles the characters from 1989's The Dream Team.***

2. Mission: Impossible 3
Your mission. If you choose to accept it. Is to have a great time at the movies! Mission Impossible? Nay. Mission Very Possible!

3. Children of Men
Loved the movie, but I found some of their tie-in merchandise to be a little crass. Children of Men-tos?!!! Loved the candy, but c'mon, Hollywood, not everything is about the almighty dollar!!!

4. Final Destination 3
This was a fun night at the movies - even though I was uncomfortable that a 6 year-old girl sat behind me throughout this very violent, intense movie. I mean, I kept asking her to leave my living room, but she refused! Just kidding. This was at a movie theatre.

5. The Science of Sleep
If there was, in fact, a Science of Sleep... I would have definitely taken a course on it in college. Lord knows I slept through all my other classes!!! SNORE! SNORE! SCHOOL'S OUT, TEACHER!

6. V for Vendetta
The original title was DIAL V for Vendetta, but the filmmakers had to change it when people with the phone number "5" complained of receiving numerous prank phone calls. Rumor has it there hasn't been such a phone-number-related controversy this big in film since "867-5309 (Jenny): The Movie" and "The Spine Number on the Thriller Album: The Motion Picture."

7. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
VERY silly! And you know what? I don't think these clowns of the silver screen would have wanted it any other way!!!

8. The Black Dahlia
Hollywood's greatest unsolved crime! I'd ask OJ Simpson to get on the case and find the real killer, but he's probably too busy working on his golf swing (considering OJ's previous behavior and all).

9. Borat
Borat, I got one thing to say to you: "Oh, BEHAVE! Shag-a-delic!"

10. Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
I admit. These two fellas are funny, but I would not - WOULD NOT - want them as guests in my house!!! J.B would probably break everything!!!

11. The Pursuit of Happyness
Call me old-fashioned, but I wish that little boy was computer-animated.

12. Dreamgirls
Hollywood loves its crossovers, soooo... and I'm just thinking out loud here... Dreamgirls Meet the Stars of All-Star Wrestling (WWF)!!! It'd be like the show Celebrity Deathmatch that used to be on MTV.

13. Superman Returns
First, Batman Returns. Then, Superman Returns. What next? Spiderman 3?!!! (EDIT: I found out this is true. If you can believe it, Hollywood's coming out with a Spiderman 3... this very summer!!)

14. Little Miss Sunshine
If I was one of the judges in the beauty pageant, I wouldn't have voted for little Olive's "performance" either. God, if you can even call it a "peformance." This was a wonderful movie until it was marred by such a disastrous (and foolish) choice of music and dance. Olive had such a good shot at winning until she did that! I know she loved her grandpa, but she shouldn't have listened to his advice!!! Period!!!

15. The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Devil. D... E-V-I-L. DEVIL = "EVIL." Think about it.

16. The Queen
Hats off to the movie capturing the mood and times surrounding Princess Di's death... although I must admit I was a little disappointed that they didn't include a scene of how I first heard Princess Di had died (outside Cory Schmitz's house, after I got off work at Hy-Vee).

17. Nacho Libre
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but... I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT OLIVE'S PERFORMANCE IN LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!!! She could have won that beauty competition, but instead, she blew her chances with that tasteless dance! Whatever. I hope she feels okay about losing. There'll be other beauty pageants, I'm sure.

18. The Prestige
Hugh Jackman. Not only did you portray a wizard in this movie, but your performance itself was pure wizardry! Color me a muggle no more!

19. Monster House
A real estate agent's worst nightmare. (Just imagine a real estate agent trying to sell this house)

20. Hollywoodland
That's what Hollywood used to be called.

***Jack Nicholson is like Michael Keaton's character Billy Caufield (obviously). Leonardo DiCaprio IS - without question - Christopher Lloyd's Henry Sikorsky (think about it). Matt Damon and Stephen Furst's Albet Lanuzzi are the same person (literally). And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mark Wahlberg is similar to Peter Boyle's Jack McDermott (boy, I'm gonna' get a lot of letters on that one!).

List will continue in next entry...