Wednesday, September 08, 2004

Patrick stands on The Price is Right stage, staring at prizes he may or may not win. There's luggage. There's pots and pans. There's golf clubs.

Patrick is going to be a freshman at college this year and Bob Barker (with his decades of broadcasting experience) knows there's a story in all of this. There's drama.

BOB BARKER: As a freshman, you'll probably need luggage, right?
PATRICK: (nervously) Yes, yes. I will. Yes.
BOB BARKER: And you'll be living in a dorm, so...

Right then is when I know what Bob is doing. After all this chit-chat and conversational foreplay, Bob's going to proclaim, "At college... you'll need... that!" He'll point to his left, the curtain will rise, and parked before Bob and Patrick will be a brand-new, shiny car. Patrick's gonna' crap his pants.

So I await the big reveal.

BOB BARKER: (continued) ... You probably won't need pots and pans.
PATRICK: No, no. I won't.
BOB BARKER: How about the golf clubs? Do you golf?
PATRICK: No, but I've always wanted to learn.
BOB BARKER: But in a few years, after you graduate, you could use...

Here it comes. Brace yourselves.

BOB BARKER: ... the pots and pans.
PATRICK: The pots and pans, yeah.

The suspsense tightens. Bob's playing Patty like a fiddle - a big, college-freshman fiddle.

The car will appear any moment now. I'm tapping my foot and shifting back and forth. I'm more invested in this than Bob, Patrick, or any member of the studio audience. Then Bob says the magic words.

BOB BARKER: So... let's start the game, shall we?



No car. They begin their game and I lose interest.

In the end, Patrick won that luggage. Those pots and pans. Those golf clubs.

Then, two commercial breaks later, Patrick spins that big wheel, hits "100" and "15," and wins five thousand dollars.

So, who needs a car anyway?

Still... y'know... it would have been nice.

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