Friday, December 03, 2004

Mark your colanders...

Comedy Underground
320 Wilshire Blvd - Santa Monica, 90401
Saturday, December 4th - 8:00pm

All are welcome in this place.

Email me at if you want reduced admission (i.e. pay 5 samolians instead of 10 scagnettis).


If you've ever been curious what it feels like to be "God's Lonely Man," might I suggest going to Von's Grocery Store by yourself at 3am on a Wednesday night?

For it is there that you will understand pure, non-negotiable solitude as you try to find the perfect orange in the produce section as "Silent Night" plays over the PA. This, of course, will be the first Christmas song you've heard all year. And if you're not feeling pangs of "melancholia" yet, the Gods-That-Must-Be-Crazy follow it up with the one-two punch of Charles Brown's "Christmastime is Here," the most heart-stabbing song this season has to offer (next to "New Kids Got Ran Over by a Reindeer").

About this time, you will hear the produce section's own stereo system (seperate from the greater store's PA) as it begins playing thunder sound-effects. Sure, it's eerie at first, but it gets even more eerie when piped-in water pours over the vegetable bins. I suppose this is Von's novel way of watering their produce. Boy, wasn't it fun remembering thunderstorms as those gorgeous summertime events - you lying next to a loved one in bed... windows wide open... curtains blowing in the breeze? But wouldn't it be even more fun having that memory replaced with a stale, grocery-store procedure during the dead of winter?! Yes. I think so.

To complete your journey of Von's-Is-Slowly-Trying-to-Kill-You, pick up your three bags of groceries at the register (containing this week's supply of tuna, canned pears, and peanut butter) and then remember that scene from Home Alone. You know, the one where Kevin is walking back home for his Christmas dinner - grocery bags in hand? And they split open? And groceries scatter all over the sidewalk?

Then realize how Home Alone is actually one of those rare children's movies that teaches the virtues of self-reliance. Most kiddie-films stress the importance of friends and family and teamwork and cooperation, but Home Alone actually had the balls to let kids know that: 1) yes, your loved ones will disappear (often by your own hand), 2) you will be all alone, and 3) yeah, you better get used to it.


In Home Alone 4, the kid floods a mansion. It's pretty funny. You should rent it.

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