LESSON LEARNED FROM CHILDHOOD:

If you're on a little-league baseball team and you want to impress your coolest teammate (who wears fashionable clothes and is the best on the team), don't pull him aside and confidently tell him that your sister Amy went to an Aerosmith concert the night before. He will not think you're cool. Even if she did almost touch Steven Tyler's hand.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
62. Alex Désert (Friday, December 9th, 2005)
63. Rob Riggle (Wednesday, December 14th, 2005)
64. Andy Richter (Friday, December 16th, 20005)
65. Gary Cole (Monday, December 19th, 2005)

On TV's Becker, Désert couldn't see much (he was blind), but I sure spotted him outside the Bliss Cafe on Vine Street. Riggle and Richter were at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. And Gary Cole was in the lobby of the Arclight movie theatre.

Walking home from the post office, I saw a t-shirt in a store window that read:

"I Used to Be a Diva... But Now I'm a BITCH!"

Awesome.

I was going to follow this up by writing: "Now you know what shirt I want for Christmas." But that's not really true. What I actually should write is: "Now you know what I want written for my epitaph."

Make it happen.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
59. Melanie Hutsell (Saturday, November 19th, 2005)
60. Neil Patrick Harris (Saturday, December 3rd, 2005)
61. Geri Halliwell (Sunday, December 4th, 20005)

Melanie Hutsell at the UCB Theatre. Neil Patrick Harris at a Barnes and Noble. And Geri Halliwell at a Christmas party. Spice up your life!

THE 2005 PAUL RUST CAPTION CONTEST

As you all know, a few weeks ago, I announced The 4th Annual Paul Rust Caption Contest (where you - the blog-readers - submit funny captions to funny photos). A massively-popular event. In this country and beyond.

This year, I received over 10,000 submissions and they were - hands down - the best in the history of The Paul Rust Caption Contest (so far!).

Here's the top 5:

1.

Caption: "Bad Hair Day!"
Submitted by: Trevor White (St. Paul, Minnesota)

2.

Caption: "Quidditch is tough!"
Submitted by: Leslie Thoms (Tallahasee, Florida)

3.

Caption: "Where's the Green Golbin when you need him?"
Submitted by: Ray Wilton (Fort Worth, Texas)

4.

Caption: "It's called Weight Watchers, tubby!"
Submitted by: Dennis Braddock (Rosemary, Wyoming)

5.

Caption: "Can't you see I'm trying to take a nap?!"
Submitted by: A tiny baby (a crib)

Congratulations to the winners! And for those of you who got passed over this year, keep captionin'... The 2007 Paul Rust Caption Contest is only 24 months away (I'm skipping next year for health reasons).


THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
56. Todd Louiso (Saturday, November 12th, 2005)
57. Joey Lauren Adams (Monday, November 14th, 2005)
58. Sam Pancake (Saturday, November 18th, 2005)

I saw all these celebrities around Franklin Avenue. It's true.

A couple days ago, I was stopped at a red light and a school bus pulled up beside me.

I looked to my left and saw the driver inside the school bus.

And I thought, "Oh, yeah. A bus would need a driver, wouldn't it?"

Apparently, up until the point that I saw the driver... I thought the bus would be driving itself.

Weird.

ME AND ADAM ON HALLOWEEN:


I am Hans. And I am Franz. And we're here to (clap) have a Happy Halloween!


Nice try, dorks.


You suck, too.


Alright, you guys are cool.

October 27th, 2005 was:

1. The 10th birthday of my niece Alexis.
2. The 10th anniversary of my first official theatre performance

Yes. On the night of October 27th, 1995, my hometown was treated to both the birth of Li'l Alexis and the opening night of "Lost in Yonkers" at the community theatre. In fact, Alexis was born while I was onstage. When the play got out, I found out I was an uncle.

And so began my illustrious LeMars, Iowa theatre career. Join me as I look back, won't you?**

**(But only at the full-length plays. None of that 10-minute or one-act bullshit!)

LEMARS THEATER CAREER!!!

1. LOST IN YONKERS (OCTOBER 1995)
Neil Simon chronicles his childhood experiences in this Tony award-winning play. I portray young Artie. Will this be the first time I play a Jewish character onstage? Yes. Will it be my last? Oy vey, no!

2. OZ! (SUMMER 1996)
Remember all your favorite songs from The Wizard of Oz? Well, forget them as you watch The Kaleidoscope Kids Children's Theatre production of "Oz," a musical with a far less expensive copyright. As The Cowardly Lion, I sing such "classic" songs as "I'm Just a Lion" and "Public Domain #1." Still, a fun way to spend the summer.

3. GATEWAY OR: LEMARS IS BORN (FEBRUARY 1997)
I do double duty as both "TOWNSFOLK" and "INDIAN #2" in this rousing musical about my small town's history. One month later in Chicago, my sister Amy and I attend a screening of Waiting for Guffman, a mockumentary on... a rousing musical about a small town's history. Not since Eraser did a movie mirror my life so well!

4. ANNIE (SRPING 1997)
Double duty part 2. In one scene, I'm a hobo in a Hooverville. In another scene, I'm a radio DJ. What is this? The Story of Paul Harvey?!!

5. CHILDREN OF EDEN (SUMMER 1997)
An epic musical based on the Book of Genesis. Who did I play? Let's just say I was "ready, willing, and ABEL" to play the part. That's right. I was the mischevious "Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat!"

6. THE CLUMSY CUSTARD HORROR SHOW (SPRING 1998)
You'd think that after 5 plays, I would have established myself as Le Mars' own Larry Olivier, but... nope. Here I am - small role (a knight) with only one line. Fortunately, I delivered the line like a gay man. Historically accurate.

7. JESUS CHRIST: SUPERSTAR (SUMMER 1998
The summer musical to end all summer musicals. A cast of 50. Massive sets. A full orchestra. Huge, huge, huge. And as if that wasn't enough, we apostles get to eat Pita bread during the Last Supper scene!

8. WEST OF PECOS (SPRING 1999)
Apparently, when it comes to school spring plays, I prefer the highly sophisticated acting choices of "fey" and "kinda queer." In this western-themed play, I give the "Deputy" character a lisp and an effeminate posture. I like to think, however, that I've branched out from such behavior. (NOTE: Come to "Before They Were Giants" this Friday at the UCB Theatre and see me play Steven Spielberg as a fey man with a lisp).

9. ALONE TOGETHER (SPRING 1999)
Was this even the title of the play? I can't remember. If you were in this, email me and give me the title.

10. ONCE UPON A MATTRESS (SUMMER 1999)
After innumerable Google image searches, I can safely say that there are no photos of me wearing a jester outfit. At least, not on the Internet. My scrap-book is a different story, people!!!


And then this...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
55. Elijah Wood (Saturday, October 15th, 2005)

Ellen, Adam, and I spotted this "Good Son" outside the Arclight movie theatre... getting approached by a nerd. You know the nerd had to be grilling him about The Ice Storm.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14TH
11:00PM
$8
(with The Winchester Preperatory Sketch Academy)

In the summer of 1974, four American filmmakers -- Francis Ford Coppola, Brian DePalma, Martin Scorsese, and Steven Spielberg -- spent a weekend together at a Malibu beachhouse. This is the story of that weekend.

Reserve your tickets here!

Presented by Fireball Deluxe

Written and Performed by Neil Campbell, Michael Cassady, Paul Rust, and Christopher Stangl

UCB Theatre
5919 Franklin Ave
Hollywood, 90028
(323) 908-8702

The holidays are never an easy time to be away from the family, but today, it's been particularly tough.

Columbus Day was always a big day for the Rust family. Every year, the day would begin with my mom's authentic "Christopher Columbus Breakfast" (three eggs, wheat toast, a pancake dyed orange). My sister Anne always claimed that an orange pancake tasted better than a regular pancake, but mom insisted she made them "the same way, dear" (us kids knew different).

After breakfast, the Rust Clan would get dressed up in our special costumes. Dad, of course, dressed as Christopher Columbus. Buckled shoes. Puffy pants. A big hat with a feather. We based his costume on the one Gerard Depardieu wore when he portrayed Columbus in the film "1492: Conquest of Paradise." Before that, dad's Columbus costume was based on... Depardieu's clothes in "Green Card." Boy, did dad look nice in that gray leather jacket!

As for the rest of us, my mom was Queen Isabella and me and my sisters were the three famed ships (the Nina, Pinta, the Santa Maria). It never failed that Amy and me would argue over who gets to be the Pinta. Eventually, we compromised and agreed to trade every other year (although I swear Amy got to be the Pinta in both 1987 and 1988). We haven't spoken since.

You'd think that after this, my family and I would engage in many more (very humorous) activities/examples. But you're wrong. This is all we would do. Eat breakfast and then put on costumes.

For the rest of the day, we just sat - very still - in our costumes in the living room. We spoke no words. It was kinda boring, but since mom and dad excused from school to do it, I didn't mind.

Then, at precisely midnight, we would all rise and go to our bedrooms. Sleep away the shame.

The next day, if you spoke about the previous day's events... you were murdered.

This blog entry is dedicated in loving memory to Charlie "Big Mouth" Rust.

R.I.P. Charlie "Big Mouth" Rust.
May You Blab In Heaven, Blabby-Mouth

You can now watch my short video "Duet" at paulrust.com.


And oh! Last week, my roommates and I received a pretty cool letter in the mail. It was folded-up (no envelope) and shoved through our mail slot (with no help of the postal service). It reads:

Dear **** (our apartment number),

Hi. My name is Ron _______. I sell co-caine on Wilcox. If you would like to buy some for your show business friends, call me.
Thx,
Ron

He also left his phone number, but I won't include it in this blog... for fear that you'd buy all the "co-caine" and I wouldn't have enough for my "show business friends."

Thanks for keeping us in mind, Ron!

EDIT: The letter in quesetion is now featured on LA's popular Defamer. It was taken from an article that my roommate Adam wrote on the lovely Underhyped.


THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
52. Benji Madden (Friday, September 16th, 2005)
53. Joel Madden (Friday, September 16th, 2005)
54. Peter Dinklage (Wednesday, September 21st, 2005)

My friend Neil and I saw the twin brothers (of Good Charlotte) at that most rock-n-roll of all places... the Koo-Koo-Roo chicken restaurant in Burbank.

I spotted The Station Agent's Peter Dinklage dining outside of Prizzi's... on the year anniversary of me spotting Randy Jackson at a Mobil station.

So far, 8 celebrities in September. One more and I'll have broken March's "Most Celebs in a Month" record. Let's do this, people!

And now for the conclusion of Class of 2000 Memories...

21. NIKKI JUHL
In kindergarten, I had a crush on Nikki. So much so that when I accidentially cut my right pinky and had to get stitches, I got excited by the prospect of showing off to her how "tough" I was.

22. KYLE KASS
In 4th grade, while Kyle and I worked on our homework in his basement, his father informed us that the LA riots had started.

23. KIM KOLBECK
Kim once asked our geography teacher if there were dogs and cats in Hawaii.

24. BOBBIE LANGEL
My First Date: July 1995. That summer, we did what all young lovers did: went to Nine Months!

25. BRIAN LANGEL
One night at a sleepover, I drew pictures for his parents.

26. JILL LANGEL
In 6th grade, I won a contest for "The Smoke-Free Class of 2000," in which I was awarded a plaque. I asked Jill if she'd like to see my plaque. She said yes. So I exposed my teeth and said, "See? My plaque!"

...She was not amused.

27. STEPHANIE LANGEL
Stephanie's older sister wore a leather jacket.

28. JAKE LIVERMORE
For years, Jake had a WWF "Junkyard Dog" action figure stuck on his roof. When it finally came down, "Junkyard Dog" had moss all over his back.

29. MANDY LOUTSCH
In 2nd grade, Mandy would wear a pair of blue-green-and-purple checkered pants. I often referred to them as "Joker Pants" (in reference to Jack Nicholson's character in Batman). Look out, Mr. Blackwell! Paul Rust is the new bitch of fashion critique!

30. MATT MASUEN
Matt's the only person I know who once had the "Sega Channel."

31. NICK NANNINGA
In junior high, Nick, Rigo (Nick's foreign exchange student), and I made a short horror movie together. The film ended with Rigo (the killer) stating to his victim: "Tell me where the money is or I start pedaling."

32. DENNIS PRICE
I watched a FOX Network version of The Breakfast Club at Dennis' house. Despite the FOX Network's own Bart Simpson frequently using the expression "Eat my shorts," the channel edited Judd Nelson's line to "Eat my... socks." Weird.

33. CRAIG ROHE
In 1st grade, I went to a homemade haunted house and Craig greeted me at the door (dressed as a ghost) and said, "I thought you would come!" And who did I run into when I was outside the haunted house? Rick Herbst... dressed in his skeleton costume.

34. SHANNON ROLLINS
On April 8th, 1995, Shannon, Anne Driscoll, and I all wore black to school. Why? The year anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death, of course!

35. KAYLA RUETHER
To Kayla Ruether, I gave her the nickname: "Kayla Rude-Dog." I think. This may or may not be true.

36. PAUL RUST
TOTAL CLASS CLOWN!!!

37. MARC RYAN
When I was back home last month, I saw Marc in my dad's store and said "Hi" to him.

38. ADAM SAUER
Adam's house was right beside the water tower. This convinced me that his family received water through their faucet the fastest.

39. KATIE SCHILTZ
Katie thought Tom Petty's Wildflowers album was depressing.

40. THERESA SCHLICTE
In junior high, Theresa did this hilarious sketch at the year-end talent show. I can't describe it all, but I will tell you that it ended with the immortal lines: "Now you look like your favorite movie star... Arnold Schrwazenegger! Hasta la vista, baby!"

... And that's it. Class of 2000!

Now for the Class of 2005...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)
41. Paul Scheer (Friday, July 29th, 2005)
42. John C. Reilly (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
43. Paul Thomas Anderson (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
44. Sean Hayes (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
45. Will Arnett (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
46. PJ Harvey (Saturday, August 20th, 2005)
47. Dennis Miller (Thursday, September 1st, 2005)
48. Aimee Mann (Friday, September 9th, 2005)
49. Samm Levine (Saturday, September 10th, 2005)
50. Torry Castellano (Saturday, September 10th, 2005)
51. Brett Anderson (Saturday, September 10th, 2005)

Singer/songwriter Aimee Mann was in attendance for the UCB Theatre's "Greatest Hits" show.

Freaks and Geeks' Levine and The Donnas' drummer Castellano and singer Anderson were at a roller-skating party.

WEDNESDAYS: SEPTEMBER 14, 21, and 28
8:00PM
$5
(with DEAD HEIRESSES... awesome show!)

Neil Campbell and Paul Rust tear through an all-new night of sketch comedy in a desperate attempt to entertain you. They will literally leap off the stage and into your hearts!

Written by and starring: Neil Campbell and Paul Rust
Featuring: Emily Happe, Kulap Vilaysack and Nic Wegener


reserve your tickets here

UCB Theatre
5919 Franklin Ave
Hollywood, 90028
(323) 908-8702

(the above poster was designed by the fantastic john henry muller)

There's a blog undearneath all this...

CHECK ME OUT AT:

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH - 10pm
"Greatest Hits"
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
(4207 Franklin)
$8

... featuring:
Campbell & Rust (Neil and me!)
Bob Odenkirk
Mary Lynn Rajskub
Paul F. Tompkins
Dan Mintz
Winchester Prep
The Pretty Ho-Hum Spectacular on Ice!
Charlyne Yi
The Idiots
Hard 'N Phirm
Rode Hard & Put Away Wet
Jarrett Grode
Jen Kirkman
Morgan Murphy
Jimmy Dore
Brody Stevens
and more!
hosted by: The Fun Bunch

reserve your tickets here


SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10TH - 12am
"The Tomorrow Show"
Steve Allen Theatre
(4773 Hollywood)
more info


WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14TH - 8pm
"Let's Go"
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
(5919 Franklin Ave)
$5
reserve your tickets here



Now for the blog...

In May 2000, I graduated with 39 other students in my class. Looking through my yearbook, I realized that for each classmate, I have a memory attached to them. (This is what happens when you have a small class)

So I'm gonna' do that. List a classmate and write the first thing that I remember about them. Yay!

1. KATIE ANTHONY
When I was home alone and the washing machine's pipes burst and flooded our basement, I called her dad. Because he's a plumber. This also marked the first time I realized that real-life plumbers don't wear red overalls or punch bricks to find coins or do dances on top of vines.

2. JANNA BLOCK
In second grade, I told her I use shampoo and conditioner. She asked me why I don't just use Pert Plus. From that day forth, I've used Pert Plus. Thanks, Janna.

3. JODI BLOCK
Together, Jodi and I sang Michael W. Smith's "Friends Are Friends Forever" at our high school graduation. And if you're wondering... yes, this is when I officially became "Coolest Dude in the Whole Wide World."

4. BRETT BROWNMILLER
Brett was more commonly known as "BJ." One day, in 7th grade, I timidly asked, "Hey, you know what BJ means, don't you?" He - very annoyed - replied, "Yes!" I guess he had been getting that a lot lately.

5. JESSI CAMPBELL
1999 Homecoming Queen!

6. BART DEROCHER
Bart DeRocher told the class that his dog could say "mama."

7. RYAN DIRKSEN
In third grade, while watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode featuring the Pizza-Monster, I told Ryan that he was my best friend.

8. CURT DRECKMAN
As our teacher headed class, Curt Dreckman whispered to my friend how AIDS started. And yes, it involved a scientist. And a monkey. And the unspeakable act of love between them.

9. KARI DRECKMAN
For Halloween, Kari Dreckman came to school as a McDonald's milkshake.

10. ANNE DRISCOLL
In junior high, my friend dated Anne Driscoll. At a County Fair dance, they lost track of each other and for the rest of the evening, my friend lamented, "I must find my Anne! Where's my Anne?!"

11. AARON ELLENSOHN
Aaron Ellensohn sang a song (seemingly self-written) about a man (seemingly created by Aaron) named J.J. Duncan. The song went as follows: "J.J. Duncan. J.J. D-Duncan." It was a pretty good song.

12. ANDY ELLENSOHN
I saw him and his dad at Hy-Vee once.

13. AMANDA ENGEL
In fifth grade, she confessed to me that in bed, she listens to an Alvin and Chimpmunks tape on her Walkman.

14. NATHAN EVANS
I always thought he looked like Timothy from one of my favorite childhood books: The Trouble with Timothy. Decide for yourself:



15. KERISSA FEUERSTEIN
Kerissa portrayed the "Ghost of Christmas Present" in my 1992 film classic A Kids' Christmas Carol.

16. KARA FRIED
Within moments of Kara first entering the classroom as "the new girl," I had a crush on her. Exactly five minutes later, she threw up.

17. NIKKI HAACK
As our friendship dissolved in the summer of 1996, I called Nikki on the phone to voice my frustrations. And just how did I do that? Jim Carrey impressions, of course!

18. CARL HARTMAN
Really, really liked the B-52's.

19. RICK HERBST
When Rick Herbst spent the night at my house in 1st grade, his so-called "pajamas" were actually a glow-in-the-dark skeleton costume.

20. STEVE HEUERTZ
Steve read Stephen King's It... in the third grade!

More classmate memories in the next blog!

Back in Los Angeles. Iowa was cool. It's pretty and the air smells nice.

While there, I got the sincere pleasure of being a "LeMars tour guide" for Scott (my sister's new husband!) and his kindly parents: Frank and Lisa.

At one point in the tour, we're walking down Main Street with its quaint storefronts and handsomely-designed brick sidewalks - when Scott asks his parents: "So... what do you think?"

To which Frank and Lisa (both born and raised in Southern California) stop, gaze at their surroundings, and favorably remark how LeMars is the "quintessential small town."

Yes. We all agree. It certainly is.

And right at this moment, we all turn, look through the barbershop window, and see... three smiling barbers simultaneously waving at us.

Quit showing off, LeMars!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)
41. Paul Scheer (Friday, July 29th, 2005)
42. John C. Reilly (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
43. Paul Thomas Anderson (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
44. Sean Hayes (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
45. Will Arnett (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
46. PJ Harvey (Saturday, August 20th, 2005)
47. Dennis Miller (Monday, September 1st, 2005)

PJ Harvey was at Amy and Scott's Berkeley wedding reception. All in all, she seemed to like it - even though she did complain that the cake was a little... Dry.

Dennis Miller was in the office of where I work. Gosh. One day into September and I've already spotted a celebrity. Who knows? Maybe September 2005 could beat long-running champ-of-sightings March 2005? Only time (the entire month of September) will tell.

Last Tuesday, I visited my buddy John and his family in Omaha. After a yummy pizza dinner cooked up by Denise... John and me and his two kids - Isaiah (6 years) and Annora (18 months) - went to the park.

While at the park, Isaiah says to me: "Paul, you're going to be a Hollywood actor."

I - both embarrassed by the compliment and obligated to be modest - replied: "No, no, no, Isaiah. I don't think so."

Then there was some silence. Awkward. Silence.

And then it hits me.

Little, 6-year-old Isaiah had said: "Paul, I'm going to be a Hollywood actor."

I had effectively crushed the dreams of a small child.

Whoops.

Lesson learned? Never ever be modest.

For the past couple days, I've been moving into a new apartment, which I'll be sharing with my spectacular roomies Adam and Ellen.

Before moving into the apartment, I was required by management to answer a questionairre, which included these 2 questions:

1) Who should be contacted in the event of your death?
2) Do you own a waterbed?

These folks know what they want.

Also, in a couple days, I'm heading up to Oakland for my sister Amy and Scott's wedding (a future blog, I'm sure!). And then soon after, it's off to Iowa for the wedding reception. I'll be in Iowa from 22nd to the 30th. I'm looking forward to the trip.

Have YOU been looking forward to a long-delayed "Celebrity Cited" List? I hope so...


THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)
41. Paul Scheer (Friday, July 29th, 2005)
42. John C. Reilly (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
43. Paul Thomas Anderson (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
44. Sean Hayes (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
45. Will Arnett (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)

Best Week Ever's Paul Scheer was spotted attending a play.

John C. Reilly and Paul Thomas Anderson dropped by backstage at "The Tomorrow Show." Me and a fellow performer "played it casual" - keeping our distance from Reilly and Anderson... to chat about the differences between Pop Tarts and Toast 'Ems.

Sean Hayes and Will Arnett were in attendance for Saturday night's "Asssscat" show at the UCB Theatre.

In case there's any confusion for those of you new to the "Celebrity Cited" list, a celebrity is "spotted" if they are NOT a participant (i.e. featured performer, musician, etc.) in the event, but rather, an outside spectator. EXAMPLE: If I went to a Prince concert and I spotted Ted Danson standing behind me - only Mr. Danson would be considered a "celebrity cited" (not Prince). Got it? Good. We don't want any confusion.

List 20 people you know in no particular order

1. Amy Rust
2. Scott Ferguson
3. Anne Rust
4. John Henry Muller
5. Ryan Dirksen
6. Michele Thomspon
7. Mr. Fox
8. Spencer Griffin
9. Steve Anthony
10. Mrs. Patera
11. Jake Livermore
12. Chris Stangl
13. Brian Kessler
14. DJ Ruden
15. Mike Cassady
16. Emily Yoshida
17. Steve Heuertz
18. Neil Campbell
19. Mom
20. Dad

01. How did you meet 13?
Freshman year, Brian Kessler and I met at the University of Iowa. That's right: The Hawkeyes. Ever heard of him?

02. What would you do if you never met 5?
I would have never learned how to make a helicopter sound with my mouth (and all the other things you learn when you head to the circus in Sioux City - circa 1988).

03. Have you ever liked 3?
As a sister... yes, I have liked Anne Rust. But if you mean "like-like"... yes, we're getting married next Spring.

04. What do you honestly think of 10?
Mrs. Patera, my junior-high science teacher, is a very kind woman. When I was her student, some teenagers broke into the school, peed in her aquarium, and killed all her fish. My honest opinion of them? Jerks!

05. Would or did 19 and 8 go out?
Spencer Griffin travelled through time and from 1966 to 1968, he and my mom were steady boyfriend/girlfriend. However, with one single Homecoming Dance, Bob Rust - my father - changed all that. That devil.

06. If 1 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know?
That my sister Amy shaped me into 90% of what I am today. I have a pie chart to prove it.

07. Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?
If Jake Livermore and my sister's fiancee Scott Ferguson couldn't make a good couple... then there's no hope for this world.

08. Describe 7 in 3 words:
Science! Science! Science!

09. Do you think 12 is hot?
I imagine Chris gets very warm in that black suit of his, yes. I tell him to wear green cargo shorts like me, but he refuses time and time again.

10. Would 1 and 17 ever go out?
If the time was right, Steve Heuertz and Amy Rust could go out. What time, exactly? Hmmm. How about... ANYTIME?!!

11. What do you think when you see 8?
"Should I tell Spencer that I like his beard? No. I'll write it on my blog at the appropriate time."

12. Tell me something humiliating about 11.
According to my mother, during a diaper-change as a baby, I accidentially took a bite of my own shit. For this, I have no right to judge others' behavior as "humiliating."

13. Do you know any of 6's family members?
I know the entire Michele Thompson clan. Dennis, Vicki, Mark, Mike, Mary. Nice folks all around. Meet 'em if you get the chance.

14. What's 20's favorite color?
Bob Rust has no favorite color. Why? In his words, "Why like just one note... when you can love a symphony?"

15. On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14?
The ladies of the LeMars, Iowa Public Library agree: "11!"

16. What would you do if 4 just professed their undying love for you?
I'd tell his wife and two kids... THROUGH SONG!

17. What language does 19 speak?
Jeanne Rust speaks "The Language of Perfect Mothering."

18. Who is 18 going out with?
Jennifer Aniston... and Wedding Crashers' Vince Vaughn!

19. Does 2 have any siblings?
One sister. Sorry, fellas! She's married!

20. Would you ever date 7?
Better said: "Would I ever date Mr. Fox... again?"

21. Is 15 single?
Single? Maybe. Likes Pringles? Oh yeah!

22. What is 10's fantasy?
To catch those bastards who pissed in her aquarium.

23. What school does 16 go to?
"The School of Life." Ages: 0 and up (until you die).

24. Where does 9 live?
The surface of the moon.

25. Would you make out with 13?
No. Because I am not a homosexual.

26. How did you meet 15?
I met Mike Cassady at a snowboarding competition in 1991.

27. What grade is 17 in?
Grade A Cool!

28. When was the last time you talked to 12?
Thursday night. We never miss a Joey!

29. What is 3's favorite band?
Can't say for sure, but she did let me borrow her Aersomith "Get a Grip" album for quite some time.

Make your reservations for...

"COMEDY DEATH RAY"
hosted by NEIL CAMPBELL and PAUL RUST
Tuesday, August 2nd - 8:30pm
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Blvd)

with special guests:
Louis CK
Todd GLASS
Mary Lynn RAJSKUB
Scott AUKERMAN
Dan MINTZ
James ADOMIAN
Charlyne YI
Kulap VILAYSACK

Make your reservations here.

Plus, I got more suggestions...

ANIMAL NOISES (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: A bird's tweet
2. Like, But Don't Respect: A horse's neigh
3. Respect, But Don't Like: A wolf's howl
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: A cat's meow

80'S BALLADS (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: Willie Nelson's "Always on My Mind"
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Eric Carmen's "Hungry Eyes"
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Madonna's "La Isla Bonita"
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red"

BODY PARTS (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: Small of the back
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Back teeth
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Veins
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Hairline

TOM HANKS ROLES (as suggested by S. Griffin)
1. Like and Respect: Josh (Big)
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Sherman McCoy (Bonfire of the Vanities)
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Joe Fox (You've Got Mail)

MODES OF TRANSPORTATION (as suggested by S. Griffin)
1. Like and Respect: Airplanes
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Surry
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Sailboat
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Dune Buggy

It continues...

MUPPETS (as suggested by N. Campbell)
1. Like and Respect: Fozzie
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Swedish Chef
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Animal
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Dr. Teeth

"SAVED BY THE BELL" CHARACTERS (as suggested by J. Livermore)
1. Like and Respect: Kelly Kapowski
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Zack Morris
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Jessica Spano
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Screech

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)

Last Friday, I spotted former Alanis Morisette/current Foo Fighters' drummer Taylor Hawkins eating dinner on Franklin Avenue in Hollywood. And no, wiseguy, he was not eating drum-sticks. He was devouring them!

Last night, my friend Rick and I developed a system to JUDGE ALL THINGS IN THE WORLD. It is as follows:

1. "Like and respect."
2. "Like, but don't respect."
3. "Respect, but don't like."
4. "Don't like and don't respect."

Look! It applies to EVERYTHING.

MOVIES
1. Like and Respect: Election
2. Like, But Don't Respect: The Day After Tomorrow
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Breathless
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Garden State

ROCK BANDS
1. Like and Respect: Big Star
2. Like, But Don't Respect: My Chemical Romance
3. Respect, But Don't Like: latter-day Radiohead
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Linkin Park

TV SHOWS
1. Like and Respect: Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Saved by the Bell
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Six Feet Under
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Tonight Show with Jay Leno

SANDWICHES
1. Like and Respect: Reuben
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Bacon Cheeseburger
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Fish Sandwich
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Patty Melt

PAST PETS
1. Like and Respect: Lucky (2nd black lab)
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Joe (1st black lab)
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Alley (cat)
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Artie (my turtle)

NATURAL ELEMENTS
1. Like and Respect: Water
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Wind
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Earth
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Fire

Want me to weigh in on more things in the world? Email your categories to me at strangelove45@hotmail.com and I'll post 'em on my blog.

"Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

You never hear this anymore! Back in the 80's, that expression was in every movie you saw. That's right. Every movie. Go check. Really. I'll wait. Yes, yes. Go check.

(YOU RENT EVERY MOVIE FROM THE 1980'S AND WATCH THEM IN THEIR ENTIRETY...)

Ah, there. Good. What'd you think of those boobs in Back to School? Yes. I closed my eyes, too. And yeah, the movie went too far when Rodney said the "f-word."

And oh. I hereby declare that I will bring back - "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?" - into public consciousness. Not through a massive campaign or anything like that. Just in my own small, little way:

LADY BOSS: "Why haven't you finished that report?!"
PAUL: "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

LADY COP: "Mr. Rust. You were travelling 22 miles over the speed limit."
PAUL: "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

LADY BULLDOG: "We just won State Basketball!"
PAUL: "Congratulations!"

I'm calling everyone (both male and female) to begin using this expression. With hard work and determination, it can regain popularity in our time! Do your part, citizens!

And, of course...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)

Marsden was outside the Mann's Chinese...
Foster was shopping for groc-e-ries...
And Skye was a "Comedy Death Ray" attendee.

MAKE YOUR RESERVATIONS NOW...




Through sketch, video, song and their own unbridled enthusiasm, Neil Campbell and Paul Rustweave a singular tale of friendship and adventure. They will literally leap off the stage and into your heart!

Click here to reserve tickets!

Happy 4th of July, everybody! To celebrate our nation's birthday, I'm concluding the American Film Institute's list of expanded "100 Classic Movie Quotes." Happy Indendence Day!

51. Dirty Harry, 1971.
"You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk? You have 45 minutes to answer the question. If you get stuck, move on and answer it later."

52. Jerry Maguire, 1996.
"You had me at hello... but Mr. Bill Cosby? He had me at Jello! Yummers!"

53. Animal Crackers, 1930.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know... I murdered a living thing."

54. A League of Their Own, 1992.
"There's no crying in baseball... but there's a whole lotta' weeping in THESE BALLS." (gestures to crotch)

55. Annie Hall, 1977.
"La-dee-da, la-dee-da... next time, won't you sing with me?"

56. Psycho, 1960.
"A boy's best friend is his mother... nature. Yes. His mother nature is a boy's best friend."

57. Wall Street, 1987.
"Greedy, for lack of a better word, is good... although I am biased since my father starred in the movie."

58. The Godfather Part II, 1974.
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... you can read all about it and more in my new book I Invited You to My Birthday Party Because I Hate You."

59. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again... Thanks, Twix!"

60. Sons of the Desert, 1933.
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into... but I refuse to play the Blame Game. Because in that game, no one wins. No one."

61. Scarface, 1983.
"Say `hello' to my little friend! Did I mention you had me when you said 'hello' to my little friend?"

62. Beyond the Forest, 1949.
"What a dump... I can't wait to take another shit!"

63. The Graduate, 1967.
"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you? And on a sidenote, the 'plastics line' from this same movie is definitely more classic than the one I'm saying right now."

64. Dr. Strangelove, 1964.
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room! Which is located squarely in the Irony Wing of our building."

65. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, 1929.
"Elementary, my dear Watson... god, you're stupid."

66. Planet of the Apes, 1968.
"Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape... and other things I said to your father on prom night."

67. Casablanca, 1942.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... is she looking over here? Don't - don't look. But... is she?"

68. The Shining, 1980.
"Here's Johnny! But you can call me: Johnny-dawg!"

69. Poltergeist, 1982.
"They're here! Johnny-dawg and the gang!"

70. "Marathon Man," 1976.
"Is it safe? Me putting my finger in this shark's butt?"

71. "The Jazz Singer," 1927.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet! Ladies and gentlemen: the advent of sound!"

72. Mommie Dearest, 1981.
"No wire hangers, ever! Listen to Mommie! Or as you can call me: Mommie the Dearest!"

73. Little Caesar, 1930.
"Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico? Certainly, not the end of 'Rico Suave.' Class of '91!"

74. Chinatown, 1974.
"Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown... population: China."

75. "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951.
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers... one morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

76. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991.
"Hasta la vista, baby... your mom and I will have the baby monitor on, so cry if you need us. You see, I'm talking to an actual baby."

77. Soylent Green, 1973.
"Soylent Green is people! Soylent Red is PEPPER!"

78. 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968.
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL... I gotta' take a shit."

79. Airplane! 1980.
"Surely, you can't be serious."
"I am serious ... and don't call me Yahoo Serious."

80. Rocky, 1976.
"Yo, Adrian! It's the 4th of July!"

81. Funny Girl, 1968.
"Hello, gorgeous... you had me at 'Hello, gorgeous'."

82. National Lampoon's Animal House, 1978.
"Toga! Toga! Togamos! Togamos! Togan! Togan!"

83. Dracula, 1931.
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make... I vant to suck your bloooood!"

84. King Kong, 1933.
"Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast... so let's go arrest Beauty."

85. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002.
"My precious... ring."

86. Dog Day Afternoon, 1975.
"Attica! Attica! Atticamos! Atticamos! Attican! Attican!"

87. 42nd Street, 1933.
"Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star... and so begins the story of Sawyer Brown."

88. On Golden Pond, 1981.
"Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go... oh yeeeeeaaaaah."

89. Knute Rockne, All American, 1940
"Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper... and maybe - just maybe - another one for me, the Mipper."

90. Goldfinger, 1964.
"A martini. Shaken, not stirred... and a Mr. Pibb. Peed in, but not farted on."

91. The Naughty Nineties, 1945.
"Who's on first... and oh, to clarify, I'm making a statement about James Who's location on first base. I'm not asking a question whatsoever. Cuz boy, would things get confusing!"

92. Caddyshack, 1980.
"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac --- it's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole! I don't want to brag, but this was all ad-libbed!"

93. Auntie Mame, 1958.
"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death... boy, I sure do know how to bring down a party."

94. Top Gun, 1986.
"I feel the need — the need for speed! Wait. No. No one needs anything. I want the need - I want the need for speed."

95. Dead Poets Society, 1989.
"Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary... and you ladies? Take a seat."

96. Moonstruck, 1987.
"Snap out of it! And into my car!"

97. Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942.
"My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you... and my hand? It SPANKS you! Oh oh ohhhhhh!"

98. Dirty Dancing, 1987.
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner... not even Ol' Baby-Corner Jones."

99. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! And your Johnny-Dawg as well!"

100. Titanic, 1997.
"I'm king of the world! Metaphorically!"

Grace and Peter - the rock-n-roll duo consisting of Charlyne Yi and myself - recently played a show at "Garage Comedy." You can watch a post-show interview with the both of us here (scroll down to "Grace and Peter").


Also, The American Film Insitute's expanded "100 Greatest Movie Quotes" continues...

26. She Done Him Wrong, 1933.
"Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I got microwave popcorn and Capri-Sun."

27. Midnight Cowboy, 1969.
"I'm walking here! I'm walking here! But mark my words: I definitely ain't TALKING here!"

28. Casablanca, 1942.
"Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By'... this time, I promise to record it on my boom-box, so I can listen to it anytime I want. Like when I'm out boatin' with the fam at Yankton."

29. A Few Good Men, 1992.
"You can't handle the truth! It's too hot to handle! Too cold to hold! They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control!"

30. Grand Hotel, 1932.
"I want to be alone... but if you guys are doin' something cool later, gimme a call."

31. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
"After all, tomorrow is another day! I call it 'cartoon day.'"

32. Casablanca, 1942.
"Round up the usual suspects... and no, I ain't talkin' about OJ Simpson! Or Michael Jackson! Or Monica Lewinsky! I'm talking about THE MEDIA and our MEDIA-OBSESSED CULTURE (like the kind examined in Natural Born Killers)."

33. When Harry Met Sally..., 1989.
"I'll have what she's having... a funny, lady-orgasm in public!"

34. To Have and Have Not, 1944.
"You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow... but make sure you don't have crackers in your mouth. I mean, it'll be funny, but it's gonna' make a mess at Paul's sister's birthday party in 1986."

35. Jaws, 1975.
"You're gonna need a bigger boat... or we won't have enough room for that boom-box when we go to Yankton."

36. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.
"Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges! But if the price is right, I'll show you my butt and tanline."

37. The Terminator, 1984.
"I'll be back... so don't close the door because my hands will be full with laundry."

38. The Pride of the Yankees, 1942.
"Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth... yeah, that's right! Earth! Ever heard of it, E.T.?"

39. Field of Dreams, 1989.
"If you build it, he will come... it's getting him to leave that's the tough part!"

40. Forrest Gump, 1994.
"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get... although, to be honest, I know I'm always gonna' get one thing from a box of chocolates and that, of course, is zits! Yikes! I keep tellin' myself to stop eatin' them, but --- I swear, I'm like a choc-aholic or something!"

41. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.
"We rob banks... like Bonnie and Clyde used to."

42. The Graduate, 1967.
"Plastics... fantastics."

43. Casablanca, 1942.
"We'll always have Paris... Holiday Inn."

44. The Sixth Sense, 1999.
"I see dead people... and I can hear them as well. And lemme tell ya', ma, Hendrix still knows how to wail!" (GUITAR RIFF)

45. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
"Stella! Hey, Stella! It's me - Marlon Brando!!!"

46. Now, Voyager, 1942.
"Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars... or as I like to call them - Moon Juniors."

47. Shane, 1953.
"Shane. Shane. Come back! Don't worry, I'll leave the door open, so you can get in easier when your hands are full with laundry."

48. Some Like It Hot, 1959.
"Well, nobody's perfect... just look at Tom Cruise's recent public behavior, which, to put it mildly, has been very bizarre. First, there was the Oprah appearance. And then, his fight with Matt Lauer. I dunno. I think his engagement with Katie Holmes is just a big publicity stunt for War of the Worlds if you ask me."

49. Frankenstein, 1931.
"It's alive! It's alive! And it's... it's... doing the twist?!!!"

50. Apollo 13, 1995.
"Houston, we have a problem... I closed the door on Terminator and Shane."

The American Film Institute recently announced their list of top 100 quotes from U.S. movies. Although these lines are indeed "classic," the lines FOLLOWING the quotes are often just as great, but tragically forgotten. Here are the first 25 in their entirety:

1. Gone With the Wind, 1939
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... or a shit."

2. The Godfather, 1972.
"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse... one bag of aggies for his Bo Jackson rookie card. Bo knows a good deal when he sees one."

3. On the Waterfront, 1954.
"You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am... why, I'm no better than that ol' Andy Kapp in the funny papers. From now on, just call me Marlon 'Andy Capp' Brando."

4. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore... in fact, I think we're in that magical land of Oz."

5. Casablanca, 1942.
"Here's looking at you, kid... but in my own weird way, here's looking at ME, too."

6. Sudden Impact, 1983.
"Go ahead, make my day... by taking me to TCBY."

7. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up... of YOUR butt."

8. Star Wars, 1977.
"May the Force be with you... and the Hershey bars with me! Yum, yum!"

9. All About Eve, 1950.
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night... so make sure to fasten your seatbelts."

10. Taxi Driver, 1976.
"You talking to me? Or you talking to BEES? Cuz if you're talking to bees, you can take it outside, Honeycomb."

11. Cool Hand Luke, 1967.
"What we've got here is a failure to communicate... but fortunately, we still got the power to jokey-rap." (BEAT STARTS, RAP BEGINS) "Well, you're Cool Hand Luke and you're here to say: I likes to Luke in a cool hand way."

12. Apocalypse Now, 1979.
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning... boy, I've sure become desensitized to the Vietnam War! Kinda makes you think, doesn't it? Not just about me, but America's realtionship to the war in general."

13. Love Story, 1970.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry... but it does mean putting the toilet seat down - am I right, ladies?!!"

14. The Maltese Falcon, 1941.
"The stuff that dreams are made of... y'know, like subconscious desires."

15. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.
"E.T. phone home... but YOU accept the charges, Elliot! I ain't no Donald E.T. Trump."

16. In the Heat of the Night, 1967.
"They call me Mister Tibbs! But you can call me Pauly Dangerfield."

17. Citizen Kane, 1941.
"Rosebud... hey, it's 1941! World War Two just started!"

18. White Heat, 1949.
"Made it, Ma! Top of the world! Next up? Branson!"

19. Network, 1976.
"I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore! So you can take this job and shove it, boss!"

20. Casablanca, 1942.
"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship... Louis, I want you to wear my class ring." ***

21. The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti... but twas his butt that was most delicious!"

22. Dr. No, 1962.
"Bond. James Bond. That's right. My name is Bond James Bond."

23. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"There's no place like home... or for that matter, my second home: TCBY!"

24. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"I am big! It's the pictures that got small... too small if you ask me."

25. Jerry Maguire, 1996.
"All these Maguires... and not enough Jerry to show for it."

*** NOTE: (joke ripped-off from "Evil Stepbrother" episode of Saved by the Bell)

My friends Adam and Ellen have started a new website. It's neat and funny. Check out www.underhyped.com.


So I bought a new pair of British Knights sneakers at Foot Locker. At first, I was excited, but then I remembered some advice I got back in grade school (circa 1991)...

"If you ever visit Los Angeles, don't wear British Knights because their initials are "B.K." and "B.K." stands for BLOOD KILLERS. If you wear British Knights in Los Angeles, you'll look like a Crypt and the Bloods will kill you." (Mr. Roecker, Gehlen Catholic elementary principal)

Fearing for my life, I tried to return the sneakers at Foot Locker, but to my dismay, one of my fellow Crypts was working behind the counter. "Blood-Gun" said I was part of the gang and if I backed out now, I'd have to kill the next person who told me to turn on my headlights.

I nodded solemnly and drowned my sorrows with a milkshake at Burger King.

Yum. Burger King.

B.K.

Blood Killers.

The Crypts own 90% of Burger King and British Knights.

And "Boyz In the Hood" was loosely based on "The Burger King Kids Club."


Wow! Looky here!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)

Strange occurences in the "Celebrity Cited" list. Early Saturday, my friends and I spotted Marissa Jaret Winokur at the Cafe 101 in Hollywood. Winokur is the full-sized actress from "Scary Movie," the new TV show "Stacked," and that episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" where Larry breaks his finger. She also won a Tony recently for her work in the musical version of "Hairspray," in which she portrayed Tracy Turnblad who (strangely enough)...

Was portrayed by Ricki Lake in the film version of "Hairspray."

That's right. Lake was #35. Winokur was #36. Weird!

If I'm lucky, my next celeb-spotting will be Harold Ramis. And then after him, the guy who did Egon's voice in "The Real Ghostbusters" cartoon.

Two minutes ago, I felt my first earthquake.

It was pretty cool.

Right now, I'm currently in the process of getting my name changed to "Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude." I'll travel from elementary school to elementary school, sharing stories about my survival and educating children about how they can be brave like me and protect themselves from earthquakes.

Okay. I just confirmed all the dates on my upcoming "Earthquake Survival" tour. Most of the schools I visit will be in the Midwest.

Signed,
"Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude"

Funny bones and feathers...

"M-Spot"
@ the MBAR
1253 N. Vine
Monday, June 13th
8:30pm $5

Sarah Silverman
Nick Swardson
Paul Rust <------------ me.
Scott and Stacey
Martha Kelly

Host: Jason Nash
plus DJ Sneaky Pete

reservations at: 323 856-0036

Also... this week's "LA Weekly" referred to me as an "up-and-comer" comic. Read the article here.

In second grade, my teacher Miss Schmidt yelled at me for acting up in class.

I really liked Miss Schmidt, so I wanted to apologize and make things better. That's why I drew her a picture and put it on her desk.

At the top, in big letters, were the words: "I'm sorry."

Underneath it was a drawing of me... crying.

It seems the only way I could apologize to Miss Schmidt was by letting her know how much she had hurt my feelings.

(This entry is the second installment of my popular series: "How I Manipulated People as a Child")

Chatting with some people over the weekend, I remembered this event...

April 12th, 1988: It's my seventh birthday, I'm in kindergarten, and I avoid everyone at recess. No one comes close to me. I stand by the fence alone and if anyone comes near me, I get away fast. In fact, if someone invites me to play, I decline.

Halfway through the recess, I ditch out early and re-enter the classroom... to complain to Mrs. Jenneary that no one's playing with me and I feel excluded. And then I start to cry. And Mrs. Jenneary comforts me.

10 minutes later, all my classmates return from recess and enter the classroom. Once everyone is seated, Mrs. Jenneary promptly lectures everyone on how they need to play with everyone at recess - especially Paul WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS TODAY. As expected, all my classmates feel bad and go "awwwww" (even the ones I declined to play with). A lot of them apologize for excluding me. They sing "Happy Birthday."

And I sit at my desk with blood-shot cry-eyes and smile. Because everyone loves me on my birthday!

Can you feel it? That tension? That... anticipation? Smell it. Smell the air. You can smell the tension and anticipation in the air.

Yes. Across the globe, folks are wondering...

"Will Paul have a celebrity sighting for the month of May?" (Hakatori Mazato, Japan)

"Will this be the FIRST MONTH since Paul's arrival nine months ago that he went WITHOUT a celebrity sighting?" (Ellen O'Flaherty, Ireland)

"What are we gonna' do?" (a cute koala bear, Australia)

Fear not, my friends... for April showers bring May celebrities!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)

Ricki Lake was eating outside a restaurant in West Hollywood. She caught me staring at her.

FIRST THINGS FIRST:
In case you missed it over the holiday, there's a new entry for Sunday.

SECOND THINGS SECOND:
If you're the 25,000th person to visit my blog (check counter on the right), then please sign my guestbook (also on the right). It'll be like writing your name in wet cement in 1986, so for years, kids will see it on their way to school and wonder who the hell you are/were.

THIRD THINGS THIRD:
Tonight, I will be performing at...

"COMEDY DEATH-RAY"
Tuesday, May 31st

Hosted by: BLAINE CAPATCH
Headlined by: DOUG BENSON

Featuring:
STEVE BENAQUIST
SUSAN BURKE
SEAN CONROY
JOSH FADEM
KYLE KINANE
JAY LARSON
ERIC MONEYPENNY
PAUL RUST
CHARLYNE YI

Plus! RON LYNCH and his tape recorders!!

MBar
1253 N. Vine St.
Hollywood - corner of Vine & Fountain
Res: 323-856-0036
$5
more info: funbunchcomedy.com

Sundays are weird, huh? As a kid, I always hated Sundays. They were the weekend's death rattle. I'd just think about how school was the next day and how I'd have to wait another 5 days before FUN could occur again. Plus, church was boring and the NBC "Sunday Night Movie" usually sucked - excluding their spectacular 1992 presentation of "Tremors" (thank you, Warren Littlefield).

In case you were wondering, this feeling can also be filed under: "The Feeling You Got When Target Started Airing "Back to School" Commercials in Early August" or "The Feeling You Got When Dusk Approached on a School Night." You know how it goes. Dread and melancholy. And loneliness, too? How'd you get in there?!

Sundays, however, do hold SOME warm memories for me. Between the ages of 5-7, I would sit on my mom's lap and we'd read the "Sunday funnies" together. My mom - being clever and identifying opportunities to encourage youth literacy - would often get me to read aloud my favorite comics. I remember one time, Linus (from "Peanuts") was trying to get Charlie Brown's attention in class and went, "Pssst." I, of course, sounded it out and accidentially read the word aloud as "pissed." Boy, did mom and I laugh at that one!

But all in all, Sundays sucked and everybody knew it.

Not anymore though. Since I'm a "grown up," school-on-Mondays are dead and I can do whatever I want. Like tonight? I'm getting together with friends and watching "Revenge of the Nerds" AND "Revenge of the Nerds Part 2." I'll probably even eat pizza. And ice cream. And I'll take my evening bath when I'm good and ready, goddamit.

But... y'know... "school-on-Mondays" isn't really the issue here. The dreariness of "Sundays" still remains. Just not on Sundays. And in a different form.

It's like... ? Okay. In third grade, my hatred for Sundays was so strong that I'd actually start dreading it by Saturday night. Instead of just enjoying "Saturday Night Live," I'd be thinking about how much it would suck to watch "60 Minutes" at the dinner table the next day. And how that big ticking "60 Minutes" clock would mock me, reminding me that time was passing and there was nothing I could do about it.

Nuhhhhh.

Hmpf.

A couple months ago, I was bitching about this to a friend. And he - providing helpful advice - cited the Japanese and how they don't mourn the transitory, but find beauty in it. And how maybe I could do that, too.

But I doubt the Japanese even watch "Saturday Night Live."

Hey, everybody. Thanks for all your responses to the "Mony Mony" mystery. I will post people's suggestions on my blog soon enough.

In the meantime, look at this:



www.fireballdeluxe.com

You know the song "Mony Mony" by Tommy James and the Shondells (later covered by Billy Idol)?

You've probably heard it on your radio. Or for you tech-savvy folks, a CD player. Or for the even savvier, an iPod. Or for the savviest, a... spaceship. With a hoverboard scotch-taped to the side of it. And an ALF doll sewn to the back.

But most certainly, you've heard it played at high school dances and wedding receptions. That is where "Mony Mony" reigns supreme! Remember how Aunt Carol danced to it at Mark and Rebecca's wedding? And she NEVER dances!

So, inevitably, every time "Mony Mony" is played at one of these occasions, a crowd of people chant a phrase in unison during the verses. I think you know what I'm talking about. But I DON'T. You see, I myself have never heard it. But I know it goes something like: "Mah Mah Cah Cah Hadie Hadie Ha Ha."

And that's probably not it. Cuz it's weird.

Ever since I was a youth, I've always wondered WHAT that phrase was. But I was too afraid/embarrassed to ask because I got the sinking suspsicion that it was "dirty" or "naughty." In fact, if memory serves me correctly, I recall some high schools barring it from disc-jockey's catalogs to prevent mass naughtiness. Just like those "Bart Simpsons" t-shirts!

That's all well and good for high school dances and "Bart Simpsons," but the problem remains... I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE CHANTING!!!

So I'm using this blog and asking for your help. Now I've only done this one other time (last year, when my son was kidnapped and I called for you - my bloggies - to search for him) and this time, it's even more important! So, if you know the (possibly naughty) phrase that crowds of people chant during the verses of "Mony Mony," please email me at strangelove45@hotmail.com. I'd forever be in your debt.

Thank you.

(And oh, for those of you who tipped me off that my kidnapped son was being held hostage in the "Superman: The Escape" ride at Magic Mountain... I thank you).

I want to make a t-shirt.

Specifically, a t-shirt for babies.

And it would read: "It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Teething)."

In case you were wondering... yes, this would be the cutest t-shirt ever.

And oh! It'd also feature a Li'l Baby Bob Dylan holding a bottle. And wearing a bonnet. With a pacifier in his mouth.

This, of course, would be the first in a long line of "Baby Dylan"-brand t-shirts, including:

- "The Free-crawlin' Baby Dylan"
- "The Diapers They Are A-Changing"
and...
- "Drool on the Tracks"

More titles will appear depending on customer demand (or if I can come up with some more).

And don't forget about the popular "Baby Beatles" fashion line. Who can forget such classics as:

- "Can't Buy Me Baby Food."
- "Hey Jude (You're a Baby)"
- "The Muppet Babies Theme Song"

This was all fake. All of it.

Uh-oh! Friday the 13th is HERE! But don't worry, my creepies. Here's some ways to keep yourself "lucky" on this most "unluckiest" of days!

1. STAY AWAY FROM BLACK CATS
If you see a black cat... RUN!!! Seriously. RUN!!! To be safe, don't even go near skunks (AKA "Black Cats' Second Cousins"). And to be doubly safe, don't even listen to Janet Jackson's Top-40 hit "Black Cat." Or anything on "Rhythm Nation 1814," for that matter. I don't care if you ARE throwing an "Escapade" party tonight.

2. THROW SALT OVER YE SHOULDER
Good news: Throwing salt gives you good luck. Bad news: Explaining the mess to Mother!

3. LADDERS? DON'T GO UNDER 'EM!
I know, I know. We all want to walk under ladders. It's one of the great American traditions (akin to baseball, apple pie, and our obsesson with not letting cats cross our paths or salt not go over our shoulders). But if you want Old Man Lucky (TM) to be kind to you on Friday the 13th, you'll steer clear of dem ladders. So look, you can either walk under a ladder or not... but I advise you to do... the latter? YAY!

4. KISS A FROG, ROMEO!
Although the method of kissing a frog isn't as popular as the previous 3, doctors have proven it actually works the best. Remember, ladies: you gotta' kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince! (writer's note: kissing frogs will get you pregnant. very pregnant.)

5. DAAAAMN! DON"T BREAK NO MIRRORS!
Whatever you do - WHATEVER YOU DO - do NOT break a mirror! It causes 7 years bad luck! Take it from me (Paul Rust of "Watch Paul Rust Age Behind Glass" fame). Immediately after I was born, I broke 4 mirrors in the maternity room (it was a complicated pregnancy).

Do the math: 4 mirrors x 7 years = ay yi yi yi! Ever since, my life has been a series of unfortunate Limony Snickets. And at 24 years old, I still got 4 years to go! In truth, however, perhaps I've used this supposed "curse" as an excuse to NOT do better. Or try harder. Or make a difference.

Huh. Maybe instead of breaking mirrors, Paul Rust should look into one... and discover Paul Rust.

Well, it's May 10th! And you know what means... all the big-time Hollywood movie studios have announced the taglines for their summer blockbusters! Let's take a look, okay?!

1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
TAGLINE: "The Saga is Complete."

2. The Longest Yard
TAGLINE: "It was hard to put a team together... until they found out who they were playing."

3. Madagascar
TAGLINE: "Just when you thought the MGM Lion was the grumpiest... here comes Alex the Lion! (voiced by Ben Stiller of Meet the Fockers)"

4. Cinderella Man
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Cinerella Man?! Holy shiiiiiiit!"

5. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
TAGLINE: "The true life story of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's 1993 trip to Branson, Missouri. Rated PG-13."

6. Batman Begins
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Batman Cinderella?! Why, I never!"

7. Bewitched
TAGLINE: "Hocus Pocus Let's-go-to-this!"

8. War of the Worlds
TAGLINE: "E.T. - Gettin' Grumpy! Rated PG-13, Too."

9. Fantastic Four
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (FART!) TWO Cinderella Men?!! Kiss me, darlin'!"

10. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
TAGLINE: "You'll Never Eat Chocolate Again!"

11. Bad News Bears
TAGLINE: "We Got Some Bad News and Some Good News. Good News is... This Movie's About Baseball. Bad News is... Bears!"

12. Pink Panther
TAGLINE: "Don't lay down on the insulation in your attic. It may look comfy, but it's itchy."

13. Cinderella Man Part II
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (SOUND OF A HUG) Yes. Cinderella Man."

It's funny how all the studios' taglines are weird and goofy. That's why I only go to independent films (mainly documentaries and foreign films). Keep churnin' out the crap, H-Wood! I'll be going to "The Real Cancun" and "The Full Monty!"

Today, I remembered how my mom and I used to refer to Hardee's (the massively popular Midwestern fast-food chain) as "Hardy-Har-Har's."

I'd be five years old. Me and mom would be in some department store and I'd ask, "Can we go to Hardy-Har-Har's?" And she'd smile and say, "Yeah, I think we can go to Hardy-Har-Har's."

I like that memory.

I also like the memory of me sitting on top of a hamper as I watched my mom put on make-up in the bathroom mirror.

Those memories make me happy.

Hey, it's a Mother's Day blog!

Hallmark should make Mother's Day greeting cards with an illustration of a boy sitting on a hamper with his mom putting on make-up and saying, "Hardy-Har-Har."

Hmmm. Looks like I got an Internet petition to start for Hallmark Incorporated!

Sure has been a long time since my last post, hasn't it? I know, I know. Sometimes grandma forgets.

So guess where I was for the past couple days? That's right. Las Vegas! How'd you know? Gosh, you must be either: a) a very good guesser or B) a ghost who follows me around. If you happen to be "B" and are reading this, by all means, please wear a little derby, so you can look cute like this little fella.

For all you non-Boo-Berries out there, here's a rundown of what Bmax, DJ, and I did in Las Vegas:

- We stayed at the hotel/casino Imperial Palace. Whereas dumps like the Bellagio offer a breath-taking butterfly conservatory and junkyards like Caesar's Palace provide a gorgeous Greek pool, the magnificent Imperial Palace has... yes, "Dealertainers."

It's fantastic! Instead of regular, boring casino dealers, Imperial Palace has CELEBRITY IMPERSONATORS work the tables. Get it? "Dealers + Entertainers = still doesn't make sense." Here's a picture gallery that you're dying to see.

And trust me, you haven't lived until you've seen Jake Blues (of the Blues Brothers) finish a dance routine, then look at his watch, breathe a sigh of disappointment, and walk off into the men's bathroom. Remember the slogan: what happens in Vegas... stays with you forever and crushes your soul.

-We went to "We Will Rock You," the futuristic musical-comedy based on the music of rock sensations, Queen. It was... incredible! Tell me: would you like me less (or MORE?!) if you knew that I wept during the "Somebody to Love" segment? If you'd like me more, then yes... I cried like a baby. If you'd like me less, then... melt that block of ice you call a heart.

- We rode a thrill ride known as "The X-scream". Here's the Stratosphere Hotel's description: "At 866 feet, X Scream is the world's third highest thrill ride. Shaped like a giant teeter-totter, X Scream is an open vehicle that propels riders head-first, 27 feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Tower and dangles them weightlessly above the Strip before pulling it's riders back and over again for more!"

Here's my decription: "Ehhh. I want out. Stop this. Why did I agree to do this? I want off. Stop this. Stop the ride. Please! I want off!" Mind you, I never uttered these words, but... they were screaming in my mind during the entire ride. Actually, these very same words are my daily morning affirmation as well.

Now I'm back in Los Angeles: the greatest thrill ride of them all!

...after "Autopia" in Disneyland.