We all know that "April showers bring May flowers." But why is it that only these two successive months have a time-worned phrase attached to them? Well, as the silver screen's Chain Capane once said, "Not for long, man!"

In other words, I've made up my own.

1. May day baskets... bring June caskets.
2. June vacations... bring July menstruations.
3. July independence... brings August KTIV anchorman Larry Wentz.
4. August heat... brings September wheat (source: "Farmers' Almanac 1998").
5. September girls... do so much!
6. October ghouls... bring November elegant jewels!
7. November feasts... bring October beasts!
8. December boys... got it bad!
9. January showers... bring February flowers.
10. February hearts... bring in da' noize, bring in da' funk!

And yes, this will be my official submission for "Joke-Writers' Contest 2005."

Look at this, too:

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)

One week after seeing his "Mr. Show" laff-partner David Cross in Los Feliz, I spy Bob Odenkirk in Hollywood. Who's next? John Madden?!

On Friday, I saw Mike White walking down Melrose with two friends. Myself? I was accompanied by only one friend. You've beat me again, White!

On my way to work, I was listening to a soft-rock radio station, which boasted that they play music "everyone at work can agree on."

This, of course, is:

A) not true

B) something that carries the potential to create uncomfortable situations in the workplace. Cuz you know there's some asshole in an office who demands that the radio be tuned to his favorite soft-rock station (even when co-workers vocalize their dissatisfaction). So everytime the radio brags that they play music "everyone at work can agree on," there's a pregnant pause amongst all the co-workers as they're reminded that THIS IS NOT SO.

And oh... the asshole feels kind of bad because he knows everybody's mad at him.

Takin' care of business!

The world of science has taught us only one thing:

Experiments learn us more!

Without experiments, Mr. Edison would have never invented his famed lighted-bulb. Mr. Rutherford would have never uncovered those sub-atoms. And old Mr. Mendel would have never had sex with those pea-plants.

Similarily (and in fact, better-ly), me and my fellow scientists (Dr. Kessler, Dr. Pash, Dr. Stangl, and Dr. Yoshida) conducted our famous "HOT-BROWN EXPERIMENT" last Saturday night.

The question at hand: What would Coca-Cola Classic taste like if you heated it up?

We - in our fearless pursuit for scientific knowledge - put a mug of Coke in the microwave and heated that sunuvabitch for 2 minutes. Then we drank it.

The result?

It tasted like Coke you leave in your car on a hot summer day.

Aw, yes, but what is SCIENCE doing for YOU?

While attending "The Pretty Okay Ho-Hum Spectacular on Ice" sketch-comedy show last Thursday, a certain movie-star was sitting behind me... KISSING A LADY! Frequently. To the point that it could be considered "making out" or "giving time."

And who was this Los Angeles Lothario?

Steve Guttenberg! Celebrity Sighted #19!

Two hours later, I go to a par-tay with Neilerdude and Annabelle. And guess who was havin' a drink and sharin' laughs?

Now, seriously. Hold on to your ghost-butts. Because this is inarguably the best celebrity sighting yet...

Ready?

BOB SAGET! Yay!

Sadly, I did not ask either man what it's like to raise daughters with two other bachelors in a house/apartment loft.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)

Last night, I saw David Cross (the "David" of "Mr. Show with Bob and David") entering the Cantina bar on Sunset Boulevard.

SIDENOTE:
I really like the name John, but if I had a son, I couldn't name him that. Because "John Rust" sounds too much like "genre." So anytime I stood on the front porch and yelled out my son's full name (for him to come to dinner, of course), some neighbor would respond, "Crime documentary!"

Because y'know, if you yell out a category, people automatically yell out what can be filed under it.

"FOOD!"
"... Banana."

"NATIONAL MONUMENTS!"
"... Mount Rushmore."

"PAUL'S NICKNAMES!"
"... Pauly Dangerfield."

Goddamn. Why hasn't anybody gotten on this "Pauly Dangerfield" bandwagon yet? I'm very disappointed in all of you.

A MESSAGE TO ALL "SINGLES" ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY

Yes. We are all aware that you are single.

Yes. We recognize you not will be receiving flowers/candies/sex today.

Yes. We acknoweldge that you regard St. Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark sham."

Now, please... shut your party-pooping mouth. People are in love and you should be happy for them.

In a desolate world where folks cut each other off in traffic, budge in movie theatre lines, and kill one another in big, stupid wars... you should rejoice that two people are able to spoon on a couch, watching "Roseanne" together.

Yes. Like you, I am single on Valentine's Day, but to paraphrase The Zombies' "Friends of Mine"...

"It feels so good to know people so in love."

With that said... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY!

This afternoon, Adam and I went to Venice Beach.

HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Witnessing the World Championship Grilled Cheese Eating Contest
a) featuring free Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper for everyone!
b) before the contest, a girl in the audience - presumably excited for the upcoming event - yelled out, "Grilled cheese!"
c) the winner was a 100-pound girl from Virginia. She's ranked #2 in the world after this fella.

2.Watching a street performer shoot fireballs from his mouth and balance a girl-in-a-chair on his chin

3. ... I urge you to go to Venice Beach and have your own adventure. If you do not live in the greater Los Angeles are, then go outside and have some FUN! There's a whole world of excitement out there waiting for you! Goodbye, friends!

Waiting in line for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I take a gander at the long line of people and think to myself, "Hm. Subway's pretty popular."

But why? Why is Subway (TM) so popular?

Yes, the sandwiches are tasty. Yes, it is affordably priced. And yes, the old-timey newspaper wallpaper is fun to read while you're eating with friends. Yes, yes, yes.

But why - deep down - is Subway (TM) so popular?

"Peoples gotta' eat," I think to myself. 'Tis true, Pauly Dangerfield. Peoples do got to eat.

So my mind begins to wander. I think, "And furthermore, to a greater extent, that's why restaurants in general are popular, Paul. Eating establishments fulfill humans' basic need to eat. Consequently, Subway - in addition to McDonald's, Wendy's, Susie's Deli, etc. - are making fortunes because people NEED TO EAT."

And that's when I think to myself: "I could make billions."

So, right then and there, waiting for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I begin - in complete seriousness - brainstorming various human needs and how I can meet them through my own business (AKA "How I Made My First Million").

"How about sleeping? People need places to sleep, right? Oh, damn. Right. Hotels. Hotels already do that."

I continue...

"How about staying warm? People need to stay warm, right? Shit. Right. Clothes."

That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly was working under the assumption that... OUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS HAD GONE UNFULFILLED FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS. What a dope.

STUDENT: (clearing throat) But, Professor Rust?

ME: Yes. You there. In the orange sweater vest and wire-rimmed glasses.

STUDENT: With all due respect, sir, what about... love?

ME: Excuse me?

STUDENT: Love. After all these years, sir, do we not struggle to fulfill our basic human need for love?

ME: ... You. You, boy. You are the instructor now. And I? I am the student.


In related news, did you know they quit giving out stamps at Subway (TM)? How else am I gonna' get me a free meatball sub?!

This world is a gigantic world... filled with many people and many, many animals (i.e. giraffes, pigeons, cougars). Scientists have estimated that there are over 600 billion people on planet Earth alone. And that's not even taking in account our friends who live on the moon and underwater ("mooners" and "underwaters" as they're typically called).

And yet, despite the many people who surround us, loneleiness still persists in this world. "Ah, look at all the lonely people," George Strait so famously sang in "Eleanor Rigby." Indeed, this is a sentiment which millions agree with to this day (as evidenced by "Eleanor Rigby" remaining at #1 on the Billboard charts for the past 39 years).

Yes, Mr. Strait, humans get lonely on planet earth. Mothers sit at home, gazing at framed photos of their sons in track-and-field uniforms. Children invent imaginary friends with names like "Gooby," "Rainbow," and "Keith." Korean businessmen sit in empty movie theatres, watching "Hitch" on Valentine's Day.

Folks move through this heavy world - glass-eyed and pale - wondering: When - oh, when - will I find a friend?

Well, lonely-hearts, I'll tell you! Cuz I got friends. Loads of 'em. Boat-loads. And although I can't tell you WHEN or HOW you'll MAKE a friend, I can give you the tell-tale signs that you've MADE a friend.

1. THE DUBIOUS GAZE
Let's say somebody's acting dumb. Real stupid. I'm talkin' about a #1, Grade-A Jackass! You're thinking to yourself, "Goddamn! I hate this person! Kill me already!" So you roll your eyes and right then, you catch another person in your sight. They are staring at you and giving you THE DUBIOUS GAZE (as in "Hey, get a load of this #1, Grade-A Jackass who's talking to us!") That's right! They hate this asshole just as much as you! And they're showing it with THE DUBIOUS GAZE! You've connected over your mutual dislike for something. Say, mister, I think you've just made a friend!

2. "YOU'LL LIKE THIS!"
This is another sure-fire sign that you've made a buddy. You come across some item (perhaps a TV show, a movie, a painting) and you think to yourself, "Boy, oh, boy! I bet _______ would love this!" As in: "Michele would love this article about Charlie Brown in The New Yorker" or "Rick would love this 'Hello Larry' theme song!" And then you share it with them. It's common interests and sharing put together in one package! And that's a very beautiful thing, my bloggies.

Um, that's it. Call a buddy today and tell them how happy they make you.

I started a new logging job last Tuesday. I work in a big, mirrored building on Ventura. The office is new and it's clean and we get free bagels on Wednesdays and Fridays. All is well in the world.

Through the window in the logging room, I see two large billboards. One's for "Mountain High" (southern California's closest winter resort) and the other's for "Coors Light" (it's beer that you can drink).

Over the weekend, they changed the "Coors Light" billboard while I was away. Before, the Coors Light can was a silver bullet. Now, it's a bottle whose top smokes like a gun. Somewhere, a werewolf is dying.

I think Van Helsing owns stock in Coors Light.

And Indiana Jones has money in Shell Oil.

And Robocop bought a fish sandwich at Burger King.

Which was ice-cold. His friends urged him to get a refund, but Robocop shrugged (in his usual state of resignation) and said, "Maybe Rococop deserves this. I did kill all those people, after all."

THIS DAY IN HISTORY - FEBRUARY 3RD!

1998: Stamps commemorating Princess Diana go on sale across Britain
- Later, it was discovered that these stamps could work as legal tender at participating Arby's restaurants. I got two beef-n-cheddars with my Dianas!

1994: President Bill Clinton lifts US trade embargo against Vietnam
- My Vietnamese pen-pal and I were finally able to trade baseball cards. I got an Ozzie Smith for my Kirby Puckett!

1982: John Sharples of England finishes disco dancing 371 hours
- I heard Mr. Sharples got really sick after dancing so much. He suffered exhaustion and had an intense fever... disco fever, that is! He had it! Disco fever! It was inside him! It almost killed him!

1974: "Pajama Game" closes at Lunt Fontanne Theater NYC after 65 performances
- I still have my Playbill (IN THE GARBAGE!)

1951: Dick Button wins US skating title for 6th time
- His biggest competitor? Vagina Zipper.

1916: Canada's original Parliament building, in Ottawa, burns down
- Frat Party gone awry.

1864: Sherman's march through Georgia
- People from all over "The Peach State" gathered to meet their favorite star of TV's "Amen."

1488: Bartholomeus Diaz discovers Mosselbaai (Angra dos Vaqueros)
- There's Something About Bartholomeus!

Okay, okay. Quit laughing, folks. You don't want to get in trouble at work.

Ever since last Sunday, I've felt like I'm in Junior High.

Mind you: it has nothing to do with the situations in my life. It's not as if I've begun doodling pictures of Kurt Cobain on the back of my spriral notebooks again.

And it has nothing to do with people either. No one is resembling Gehlen Catholic Junior High's Mr. Fox (although my friend Neil - just like that beloved science teacher - has challenged me to find a male calico cat for extra credit points).

Nor have I been engaging in popular-culture materials from that time period either. There's not one single copy of "The Hatchet" in my apartment and I haven't listened to the "Angus" soundtrack in weeks. Weeks!

No. This is entirely based on moods and smells and environments and those intangible feelings in my stomach. Gah. I haven't felt like this since 1995.

Maybe I accidentially travelled back in time and haven't realized it yet.

Speaking of time travel, Adam, Chris, Emily, and I are going to a screening of "Back to the Future" tonight. Screenwriter Bob Gale will be introducing the film.

I'd like to have Mr. Gale autograph my hover-board, but unfortunately, it's in the shop. I'm getting it fixed because I got it all wet. Apparently, hover-boards don't work on water... unless you got power!