Thursday, February 10, 2005

Waiting in line for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I take a gander at the long line of people and think to myself, "Hm. Subway's pretty popular."

But why? Why is Subway (TM) so popular?

Yes, the sandwiches are tasty. Yes, it is affordably priced. And yes, the old-timey newspaper wallpaper is fun to read while you're eating with friends. Yes, yes, yes.

But why - deep down - is Subway (TM) so popular?

"Peoples gotta' eat," I think to myself. 'Tis true, Pauly Dangerfield. Peoples do got to eat.

So my mind begins to wander. I think, "And furthermore, to a greater extent, that's why restaurants in general are popular, Paul. Eating establishments fulfill humans' basic need to eat. Consequently, Subway - in addition to McDonald's, Wendy's, Susie's Deli, etc. - are making fortunes because people NEED TO EAT."

And that's when I think to myself: "I could make billions."

So, right then and there, waiting for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I begin - in complete seriousness - brainstorming various human needs and how I can meet them through my own business (AKA "How I Made My First Million").

"How about sleeping? People need places to sleep, right? Oh, damn. Right. Hotels. Hotels already do that."

I continue...

"How about staying warm? People need to stay warm, right? Shit. Right. Clothes."

That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly was working under the assumption that... OUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS HAD GONE UNFULFILLED FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS. What a dope.

STUDENT: (clearing throat) But, Professor Rust?

ME: Yes. You there. In the orange sweater vest and wire-rimmed glasses.

STUDENT: With all due respect, sir, what about... love?

ME: Excuse me?

STUDENT: Love. After all these years, sir, do we not struggle to fulfill our basic human need for love?

ME: ... You. You, boy. You are the instructor now. And I? I am the student.

In related news, did you know they quit giving out stamps at Subway (TM)? How else am I gonna' get me a free meatball sub?!

No comments: