You should watch...

"AMERICA'S FUNNIEST VIDEOS"
Sunday, October 31st
7pm (6pm/Central)
ABC

I'm not promisin' anything, but... it could be cool.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)

Driving to The Grove Stadium 14 with Adam and our guest Rick Herbst, I think to myself how great it'd be if Rick got to spot a celebrity during his trip to Los Angeles, California. Why, it's a treat that only this city can offer. I double-dare Chicago to show me Patrick Renna eating a hot dog.

So the three of us are killing time at a nearby Barnes and Nobles before the movie. Eventually, it's time for us to go, so we head for the escalators (AKA "future stairs"). And who should we spy browsing books and wearing a FDNY ballcap? I'll give you a hint: it's Rider Strong (AKA Shawn Hunter from "Boy Meets World.")! You remember Shawn. He was the devil-may-care-rebel to Ben Savage's straight-arrow-ugly. He taught the men of my generation how to comb their hair and brood. And look pissed. And brood.

Wow. "The Topanga Files." Mrs. Matthews last weekend. I swear "Boy Meets World" is stalking me.

Speaking of stalking, the three of us decide to follow Rider Strong around Barnes and Nobles. We've got our reasons though (just like all good stalkers do). We're unsure if it is indeed him, so we need concrete confirmation. A clear-cut view of the Rider. So we duck behind book shelves and sneak passing glances until we are 100% sure. Yes, it is him. The Rider.

This was all VERY unnecessary, of course, when we realize Rider Strong is walking behind us on the escalators... and out of Barnes and Nobles... into the movie theatre... and IN THE ROW BEHIND US AT THE MOVIES.

Holy shit.

So, we play it cool before "Sideways" starts. Rick subtly references the weirdness of the entire situation by discussing how back at Yale, he saw Sandra Day O'Connor hailing a taxi. Maybe Rider will hear this. Maybe he'll pick up on our code. During the move, there's much talk about a central character who is a has-been TV star, which hits painfully close to home for the man whose sitting directly behind us. Adam, Rick, and I all wince. Does Rider take this to heart? Does he know WE know?

But I soon realize... all of this... my fear that he's stalking us, my hope that he's listening to our conversation, my belief that he feels our pain for him... is misguided. None of this is happening. It's arrogant for me to think so. In truth, I am nothing to Rider Strong. Compared to Rider Strong, I am... Ben Savage.

The movie ends.

On our way out, we see "Boogie Nights" and "Austin Powers 2" lead Heather Graham - sprawled on the theatre seats, PDA-ing with her boyfriend.

Jesus. Wow. Heather Graham.

I don't know need her B-grade celebrity status mucking up my list.

As anyone who's ever been in a supermarket check-out line can attest, TV Guide (AKA "Television Guide") has their perennial favorite "The Best TV You're Not Watching" issue. You've read it at your grandmother's house. Or your cousin's.

Well, my blog has a similar goal as well. It's called "The Best TV You're Not Watching"... Blog.

It's the Trinity Broadcast Network's Saturday morning line-up.

You seriously need to watch this.

Mind you, you're gonna' have to get up early. Or stay up very late. In Los Angeles, it begins at 3am. In the Central Time Zone, it's 5am (I know because I used to watch it there, too).

And believe me, you're missing so much.

Here are my two favorites:

1. "Circle Square" - a group of 6-8 children (ranging from the ages of 9-14) hang out in a ranch with two adult... puppets. They do sketches, read viewer mail, and sing songs. One cool thing is when songs are sung, their titles and an acompanying number are listed on the bottom of the screen. Apparently, the viewer is supposed to have a song-book to join in. I don't have this song-book.

2. "Joy Junction" - located in the center of an old-west town square, a Sherriff (who my friend pointed out looks more like an elementary school principal than a sherriff) referees various competitions between child contestants (all of them curiously from the 2nd grade). How fast do you think two kids could eat donuts on a string? This show will tell you!

And of course, all of these shows have a heavy Christian foundation. Bible verses and Jesus-talk abound. It's like church, but with games and mid-80's graphics. In other words... great television.

So... I can count on you getting up at 5am and watching this, right?

Good.

What's funnier? "Little-to-Big" or "Big-to-Little?"

To find out, let's use WWII (LIKE WE ALWAYS DO).

"Little-to-Big" is an ordinary bad cell-phone connection (AKA "Little") between President Truman and General Lena Horne, that creates such a grave misunderstanding, it results in the bombing and destruction of Hiroshima (AKA "Big").

What?! You said "Drop the Batom Rom?!"

"Big-to-Little" is thousands of proud Americans celebrating the NYC Victory Day parade amidst falling ticker-tape and sailors makin' out with dames (AKA "Big"), but two plumbers sit on a fire escape, watching it all and saying to themselves, "Yeah... I mean, I guess" (AKA "Little").

Then they argue over who the dog likes more.

"Little-to-Big" or "Big-to-Little?" Vote on November 2nd!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)

Saturday night. Three celebrities. Am I really this blessed?!

When Dwier Brown (as John Kinsella) played catch with his estranged son in "Field of Dreams," audiences wept across America. And when Dwier Brown (as Dwier Brown) told me where I could find the theatre box-office, I wet across my pants.

Michael J. Anderson (who your older brother knows as that "little fella from Twin Peaks") was enjoying a late-night dinner at House of Pies. I watched Anderson from afar, but my friend Chris (a fan of Anderson's) approached him and thanked him for his work. A Celebrity-Sighted first! As such, Chris will receive a complimentary "Celebrity Sighted" mug and duffel bag. Keep up the good work!

And finally, actress Betsy Randle was sighted as a fellow audience member at a play I attended. Imagine my elation when an actor onstage mentioned "Topanga Canyon." That's right. TOPANGA Canyon. Ms. Randle was the mom in "Boy Meets World," which featured... a character named Topanga! You effin' know Betsy was thinking about her right then.

Awwww, what a night.

Elton John may have thought that Saturday night's alright for fightin', but I think... it's alirght for celebrity-sightin'!

This afternoon, my friend Mike and I hiked in the Hollywood hills (to burn off all those Snackwell's!)

Driven by our unquenchable thirst for adventure (and Snackwell's!), we trekked all the way up to the "HOLLYWOOD" sign. And guess what we saw behind the second "L?"

You guessed it. Harrison Ford and Tea Leoni smokin' a doobie! They were pretty cool. Nice folks in all. But then Mike and I offered them a Snackwell's (we had them in our knapsacks!) and those celeb-u-taunts would have nothing of it.

Harri-sonic, Jr. (our nickname for Harrison "Hari-sonic, Jr." Ford) said, "I will NOT put that poison in my body." And Tea-sonic, Jr. (our nickname for Mrs. Duchovany) added, "Me either."

Tea's "Me either" was the final, destructive blow. Mike and I were crushed. We lowered our heads and walked down the Hollywood hills. Backwards.

But we showed 'em. Guess what two dudes slipped five Snackwell's cookies into Harri-sonic and Tea-sonic's picnic?

That's right...

Phil Donahue and Geena Davis.

Mike and I asked Phil-sonic, Sr. and Geena-sonic, Sr. to pull the prank for us. Those two owed us BIG favors. You see, I was a Production Assistant on "Donahue" from 1986-to-mid-1986 and Mike was married to Geena for three glorious months in 1992.

Although, if you ask me, Mike owes Geena the favor! Y'ouch!

This is Paul Rust, reporting from Hollyweird. And remember: Keep it on the "DL" - The "Dion Landers!"

As a youth, did you ever watch movies in a darkened classroom - while outside, it was a cold and breezey autumnal Friday afternoon?

No? Okay. 'Cuz I think I have.

At the very least, I've been thinking about it a lot.

Why do I keep going back to this? It's not even a specific memory. I don't know where it occurred. It could be junior high or high school or second grade. Maybe even college.

All I know is that it's rich in tone and mood and feeling. The promise of possibilities and the pang of things passed.

Nostalgia, friends!

Nostalgia hurts the most during Autumn. Or Spring. Or Winter. Or whatever season I happen to be in at the time.

Winter is shaggy hair in a cold car. Spring is cutting your hair on a breezey driveway. Summer is shaving your head in a basement. And Autumn is... watching movies in a darkened classroom? Whatever!

Uhhhhh. I'm writing a blog I will later hate. BUT I WILL NOT DELETE IT!

Don't worry though. All is well for your friend Pauly Dangerfield. This is just one of those simple 3-hour funks that people incorrectly archive in their blogs as "PROFOUND REVELATIONS," but then forget about by the next morning. That's when they're soon having "ONE OF THE HAPPIEST TIMES IN THEIR LIVES."

But not me. I live on an even plain.

I am a rock. I am a "Real Gilligan's Island."

Holy shit. The phrase "the pang of things passed" will haunt me for days.

Come back soon. Jokes and witty observations will be dropping by any minute.

Last Sunday, I went to Universal Studios with some of my buddies/homies/gents. Here were some of the rides, which allowed us to live the movies:

1. REVENGE OF THE MUMMY: THE RIDE
An awesome roller-coaster "dark-ride," which travels forwards (then BACKWARDS!), finally culminating with your "eternal death." I now eagerly await the upcoming REVENGE OF THE NERDS: THE RIDE, in which you must install a sorority spy-cam and later drown John Goodman in a YMCA pool.

2. WATERWORLD
A stunt extravangza with jet-skis and fireballs! We sat in the "SOAK SEATS" (next to an 11 year-old girl wearing an Ozzfest t-shirt). By the end of the show, we wuz drenched! And believe me, folks: wetter... is better! (Although I'm sure Johnny Goodman would disagree!)

3. A SEVEN YEAR-OLD GIRL TALKING ON A CELL-PHONE AND CRYING
You heard it here first!


And like I had planned over one year ago, I purchased a SEASON PASS to Universal Studios as well. This promises a new adventure every weekend! And all but guarantees I will meet no one of the opposite sex for one more year!

RIP John "Drowning Victim" Goodman: 1952-2004.
We'll miss you, Robert Drown-y, Jr!

Did you watch the presidential debates tonight? If not, here's an excerpt from the official transcripts.

(Used by permission from CNN, Cable News Network, 2004)

KERRY:
In "Beauty and The Screech," when Kelly is telling Jessie and Lisa about the guy she likes, she tells them it's Screech and that she was in his room. Lisa says, "Didn't the bats bother you?" and Kelly says, "None of his creatures fly!"
But in Episode 5: "Screech's Woman," Screech meets Bambi and Bambi gives him rules about dating her. Bambi says, "I'm allergic to all sorts of animals and insects." And Screech says, "Thats OK. I'll shave all my birds," so that means some of Screech's creatures do fly.

BUSH:
Screech said he was going to shave his birds and without their feathers, none of his creatures would fly.

KERRY:
But he didn't shave them--as he broke up with "Bambi." Then again, maybe his birds flew away (either set free or accidentally). Maybe one of his other pets ate them. Or maybe they died.


Where do you fall in the heated "Shaved Birds" debate? Whether you're Republican, Democrat, or agnostic, don't let your voice go unheard. Vote.

Hey, hey, hey! Did you know that I am a member of FIREBALL DELUXE, America's favorite sketch-comedy troupe/gymnastics squad? I am! No kidding!

And this Saturday, we got ourselves a hottt & sexxee show. Here's the boot-scoot:

FIREBALL DELUXE SHOW AND PARTY!
with special guest: Machu Picchu
SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9TH
9:00pm (party to follow!)
FREE!
Zen Sushi
2609 Hyperion Ave
Los Angeles, 90027
(In Silverlake, by the intersection of Griffith Park Blvd and Hyperion)

Sketch comedy that dares to put a piece of pork on a chair and poke at it with a broom handle!

For more info, check out the Official Fireball Deluxe Webpage. (CAUTION: SOME MATERIAL CONTAINS EXPLICIT CONTENT)

While you're there, you can also check out my own writing contribution The Topanga Files. (CAUTION: DOES NOT CONTAIN ANY EXPLICIT CONTENT WHATSOEVER).

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)

Yesterday, I had a moment of "Glory." I was outside Fred 62's (where I'm sure one could find "Fried Green Tomatoes" on the menu) and I had an "Iron Will" to find another celebrity. Unfortunately, all I could find was an "Odd Couple 2." So imagine my surprise when...

Ol' Richard Riehle came strolling by!

In addition to my subtle hints at his previous work, you will most remember Mr. Riehle from his portrayal of Tom Smykowski in "Office Space" (AKA the "Jump to Conclusions" guy who gets in a paralyzing car accident).

He was wearing suspenders.


NOTE: The "Celebrity Sight-O List" has officially been changed to the more cleverly-titled "Celebrity Cited List." Time Magazine regrets the error.

This Saturday, I went to a taping of America's Funniest Videos (alternate titles: America's Funniest Home Videos or The Best Show You're Not Watching).

As some of you may or may not know, I am an intense fan of this television show. I even made an entire movie about it - entitled Tin Cup. Previously, you may have believed that Hollywood MVP Ron Shelton had directed this film. But now you know the truth. The full truth.

So, imagine my LIMITLESS GLEE when I won an America's Funniest Videos t-shirt because I got to... well... no, I shouldn't say right now. I will tell you this: Something mighty special has to happen for you to win an America's Funniest Videos t-shirt. And it did.

So, tune into ABC's America's Funniest Videos on Sunday, October 31st (Halloween!) and maybe - just maybe - you'll find out what happened.

Until then... good night, NASCAR fans!