Seven hours ago, I peed into a cup.

And no, it's not because I went to Dairy Queen (slogan: "Where You Have to Pee in a Cup to Eat a Blizzard").

I was takin' a drug test!

And no, it's not because my parents smelled morphine on my breath and are forcing me to prove my sobriety.

I got a job!

Job? Drug test? Breath? What're you talkin' 'bout, Paul?!

You see, when you become an employee at SUPER WAL-MART, you have to take a drug test.

That's right. Yours truly is now an employee of Super Wal-Mart Incorporated, Inc. I will be working in the hardware department - sellin' wrenches and mixin' paint.

That is, of course, if I don't fail my drug test.

Which I won't.

Because I gave it my all!

Coach says I could go to State.