My friend Neil Campbell does an online comic called "My Naked Dad." It's really funny and I've never linked to it before, so I thought I'd tell you about it for your enjoyment. CAUTION (TO ALL THE 12 YEAR-OLDS WHO READ MY WEBLOG): As the title suggests, there is nudity. But it's cartoon nudity. Like when you see Bugs Bunny without a towel.

Here it is... My Naked Dad.

After you're done reading the comics, make sure to also check out the "Freddy Krueger Fan Art." It's got some drawings by yours truly (and also, me).

Seven hours ago, I peed into a cup.

And no, it's not because I went to Dairy Queen (slogan: "Where You Have to Pee in a Cup to Eat a Blizzard").

I was takin' a drug test!

And no, it's not because my parents smelled morphine on my breath and are forcing me to prove my sobriety.

I got a job!

Job? Drug test? Breath? What're you talkin' 'bout, Paul?!

You see, when you become an employee at SUPER WAL-MART, you have to take a drug test.

That's right. Yours truly is now an employee of Super Wal-Mart Incorporated, Inc. I will be working in the hardware department - sellin' wrenches and mixin' paint.

That is, of course, if I don't fail my drug test.

Which I won't.

Because I gave it my all!

Coach says I could go to State.

PAUL: Hey, Well's Blue Bunny.

WELL'S: ... Hi, Paul.

PAUL: How's it going?

WELL'S: What do you care?

PAUL: Aw, c'mon, Well's Blue Bunny, don't be that way.

WELL'S: Like you've treated me any better.

PAUL: What - what are you talking about? I just took you to "Man on Fire." My treat. Didn't we have a great time? Or was I just imagining you smiling when Denzel Washington held up his gun, looked into the camera, and quipped, "Sure beats another Training Day!"

WELL'S: The only reason you took me to the movies was to butter me up. You just want a summer job from me.

PAUL: What?! I can't - I can't believe you would say that! How can you say that? I can't -- why would you say that?

WELL'S: I'm not stupid, Paul.

PAUL: This is so insulting! How can you - I took you to "Man on Fire!" You know, you can be - you can be a real dick, Well's Blue Bunny.

WELL'S: I'm not a dick.

PAUL: Yes, you are. A dick. Dick-o supreme-o. You just presume that I want a job from you? Huh. That's a funny way of repaying a friend for one "Man on Fire."

WELL'S: Fine. I'm sorry.

PAUL: You should be.

(LONG PAUSE)

PAUL: But, um... speaking of the... the summer job... did ---

WELL'S: I can't believe you!

PAUL: What?!

WELL'S: You're pathetic!

PAUL: I - I didn't say - you brought it up.

WELL'S: Do you want a summer job or not?

PAUL: I, uh - um ---

WELL'S: Answer the question, Paul: do you want a summer job or not?

PAUL: I - let's just say... if you had a summer job for me, I wouldn't turn it down, okay?

WELL'S: Do you want a summer job or not?

PAUL: Yes. Okay? Yes, I want a summer job. So... do you think I could maybe... have one?

WELL'S: ... No.

PAUL: What? Why not? I just ---

WELL'S: I guess I didn't give you one of my jobs before, huh? I guess you didn't quit it without notice? I guess that never happened, right?

PAUL: That was four years ago ---

WELL'S: You just expect me to forget?! I gave you one of my best summer jobs ever! All you had to do was walk around, wash shit off machines, and that's it! And you threw it all away!

PAUL: I was a different person back then ---

WELL'S: You threw it all away in two days!

PAUL: Two-and-a-half days.

WELL'S: Paul. You can't walk all over your friends and expect it to happen twice.

PAUL: But... but... I need money, Well's Blue Bunny. California's a rough place for vagrants. Help me out? Will ya? Help me out?

WELL'S: Not. My. Problem.

(WELL'S BLUE BUNNY DRIVES AWAY IN A BIG BLUE CAR THAT'S SHAPED LIKE A BUNNY)

(PAUL CALLS UP HIS FRIEND "SUPER WAL-MART" TO GO TO "13 GOING ON 30.")

SOMETHING I DON'T LIKE:

When you see somebody trip and fall down in a public place... and THEY LAUGH!

First of all, it's annoying because it's somebody pathetically trying to cover up that they aren't embarrassed in front of a bunch of people. "Ha-ha," they lie. "I'm not really mortified that this is happening to me. I'm free and easy-going! Humiliation is fun!" Just admit that you're sad you look like a dumb-ass, dumb-ass.

Second of all, when the person laughs, they take away the fun of watching somebody trip and fall down. It's funny because you didn't enjoy it. It's funny because you are embarrassed. Quit ruining my fun.

I just put the finishing touches on my Commencement address for the graduating class of 2004 at Gehlen Catholic.

For those of you who are TOO DAMN STUPID TO KNOW OTHERWISE, I went to Gehlen Catholic for 13 years. 13 sexy years. What?

I have the sinking suspicion that someone - after hearing my commencement address today(either in person or on the local radio station KLEM) - will later "Google" (TM) my name and inevitably find this ol' web-blog of mine. They will then read "13 sexy years," not know it is a joke, and misinterpret it.

Which is unfortunate because... I consider my audience a lot with this blog. Too much, I think. I censor it a lot. Not only in terms that I don't drop ever the "f-bomb" (just in case priests or children are reading), but also, I don't share personal information that may potentially hurt or embarrass others.

But isn't saying swears and hurting others the whole point of blogs?

Gosh, Paul. Get over it. Questioning the relevance and purpose of blogs is so "first 5 entries."

AN OPEN LETTER TO DUSTIN DIAMOND (A.K.A. "SCREECH" FROM "SAVED BY THE BELL"):

I used to like you, Dustin Diamond/Screech. Others would diss you and put you down, but I always stuck up for you. "He's tragically annoying, not just annoying," I would tell your detractors. Heck... less than two weeks ago, you were #2 on my list of favorite "Saved by the Bell" characters.

But recently I've been listening to your commentary tracks on the "Saved by the Bell: Seasons 3 and 4" DVDs. And you, sir, are a dick. YOU MUST KNOW: It's not "funny" or "clever" or "cool" to put down the show. Yes, we all know it is unrealistic. And yes, the clothes are "out of style." And yes, Slater sported a "permed mullet." But for those of us who have spent hard-earned book-return money on your DVDs and have taken the time to listen to the commentary tracks on said DVDs, we clearly are fans of the show and obviously adore it for these very details. Why - why - why would we want to hear somebody trash it repeatedly?

In the future, if you happen to do any more commentary tracks, I encourage you to behave more like Dennis Haskins/"Mr. Belding." In his commentary, he displays such genuine and earnest affection for the show that it makes you wish he was your principal. And friend. And father.

Sure, Dustin/Screech, it's fun to mock the show. We've all done it ourselves from time to time. But at the end of the day, do you want to say to yourself, "I shared love with this world" or "I perpetuated hate in this world?" The answer is clear. This world needs love, Dusty D. The world needs love.

Long live paying-for-one-movie-but-sneaking-into-another! Snobs should no longer bemoan the existence of multiplexes. I'd like to see movie-sneakin' happen in your old-timey movie theatre, Leonard Maltin!

Here is my history of cinematic duck-and-thievery. Since art can only be viewed as a competitive sport, I've decided to pit each movie against each other.

1. February 2003 (Sycamore Mall):
PAID FOR: "Old School"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Shanghai Knights"

A Wilson Brothers Extravaganza! "Old School" beats "Shanghai Knights" by a nose. Close call though. After all, "Old School" didn't contain the immortal phrase: "ass soup" (as in "I hear London is ass-soup.")

2. June 2003
PAID FOR: "Bruce Almighty"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Hulk"

Both sucked. Hard. "Bruce Almighty" wins - only because I didn't have high enough expectations for it to disappoint me and piss me off. "Hulk" also loses points for breaking an 8-movie streak where a movie made my cry in the theatre. But, Paul, didn't you see "Bruce Almighty" before "Hulk?" Yes. So, "Bruce Almighty" made you cry? ... Yes.


3. November 2003
PAID FOR: "Matrix Revolutions"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Elf"

"Elf" crosses the finish line while "Matrix Revolutions" is still getting dropped off at the track by his father (Dad got visitation rights that weekend). I could give a more detailed explanation as to why, but basically: "Matrix Revolutions" made me hate the world and "Elf" made me love it - at a time when I really wanted to love the world (and not hate it). More movies need to make me love the world.


4. May 2004
PAID FOR: "Troy"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Mean Girls"

"Mean Girls" wins, but it should be mentioned, however: "Troy" was much better than I had anticipated and "Mean Girls" was too sloppy to be great. Film comedy (especially satire) requires precision, fellers. Why are so many contemporary comedies so flabby? I long for the days when comic directors were careful in their craft and treated the genre with the same sophistication as directors do with dramas (talkin' to you, Billy Wilder and Hal Ashby - they frequent my blog). Nowadays, you can only find it in folks like Wes Anderson and Alexander Payne.


Goodbye, Mello-Yello.

Job-Search Summer 2004 continues...

1) Well's Blue Bunny
I've applied, but will the big-wigs call me? Four summers ago, I worked for the ice cream factory for two-and-a-half days and then quit. Do they hold grudges? If so... let go, Blue Bunny. Let go.

2) Harkers
I was told they had a 40-hour-a-week/$8-an-hour custodial job. I'd clean their corporate offices late at night and listen to "40 Licks." I'd love to have this job! Guess what? I go there today and they said the position's been filled for a week. Harkers: Makers of Cold Meats and Even Colder Demeanor.

3) Ameri-Host Inn
Being a housekeeper at the Iowa House Hotel in Iowa City was one of my favorite jobs. You got tasks. You got peace. It's nice. I could maybe get a housekeeping job at this LeMars hotel, but... they don't look at applications for another two weeks. Time is runnin'... OUT, that is!

It's a game you can play! Pick a band and answer these with their song titles. I choose... I choose... Quasi!

1. Are you male or female?:
"Ballad of Mechanical Man"

2. Describe yourself:
"Hot Shit"

3. How do some people feel about you?:
"Repetition"

4. How do you feel about yourself?:
"It's Hard to Turn Me On"

5. Describe your girlfriend/boyfriend/interest:
"Me and My Head"

6. Where would you rather be?:
"Under a Cloud"

7. Describe what you want to be:
"Little Lord Fontleroy"

8. Describe how you live:
"Only Success Can Fail Me Now"

9. Describe how you love:
"Our Happiness is Guaranteed"

10. Share a few words of wisdom:
"Rock and Roll Can Never Die"

So far...

1) A professor tripped and fell on the red-velvet carpet at Saturday's graduation ceremony. The audience's concerned gasps quickly turned into chiding laughter.

2) I held a week-old baby-girl named Annora - produced in conjuction by John-and-Denise-Muller Enterprises in Altoona, Iowa. Yes, I may have graduated college this weekend, but the ultimate passage into adulthood is owning your own backyard: which one of my best friends, John Henry Muller, has. With a deck. And a fort. Amazing.

3) I re-entered the city limits of LeMars, Iowa - which I will call home for the next three months. Look out, ex-mayor Phil Hahn! Here I come! And I'm bringin' it home from the dome.

Did you eat an entire box of Macaroni-and-Cheese tonight? I am a recent college graduate.

Too bad the Dean's house didn't get totally TP'd on Wednesday night.

OH, WAIT!

The Dean's house totally did get TP'd on Wednesday night!

And it was me and my prank brothers: Jake "The Wolf" and B-Max "The Wolf 2!"

This is what college is all about.

Now if you excuse me... I have to put a spy-cam in the sorority and put nudey pictures on the bottom of pie tins.

No less than five minutes ago, I handed in my thesis video project to the Honors Building, which means...

I am officially done with school work. For life!

I wanted something to happen when I handed my project over to Mary Uhl, kindly receptionist at the Belin-Blank Honors Center. Something monumental. Something glorious.

Party streamers. Dance music. Mr. College walking out, wearing a satin sash marked "Higher Education."

Instead, Mary just looked at the cover sheet, nodded, and went, "Okay."

And I stood there. And waited. So I asked, "Everything look alright?"

"Yep."

She threw the project onto a stack of a thousand other projects.

And then I lingered. And waited longer. For something.

One last ditch effort:

"Have a nice day," I said.

"Alright," Mary replied in a half-mutter - looking at her computer monitor. She actually seemed annoyed that I had bothered to wish her a nice day.

And I walked away, knowing that I had just completed 19 years of institutionalized education.


College graduation fever! Gotta' catch it!


ADDITIONAL NOTE: I re-read this and realized how down-beat it sounded. I didn't mean it to. Actually.. right now... I'm very happy. And... empowered. Yes. Empowered! Look at this! It's a weblog and I'm talking about my emotions! Yaaaaay!

I've wanted to do this for so long...

(Note: The criteria for "favorites" were based on either: A) who I'd most want to hang out with, B) who is the most fascinating, or C) both!)

FAVORITE "CHEERS" CHARACTERS:
1. Cliff
2. Norm
3. Rebecca
4. Sam
5. Woody
6. Carla
7. Frasier
8. Lilith
9. Diane
10. Coach

Are you a pathetic know-it-all who craves admiration from others? Or perhaps a self-loathing alcoholic? Then you're on my team! But if you're a snob-lady or an old koot, then take the bench!


FAVORITE "FULL HOUSE" CHARACTERS:
Original Six:
1. Jesse
2. Danny
3. Michelle
4. DJ
5. Stephanie
6. Joey

Stephanie would have been higher on my list if she had remained 6 years-old for the entire run of the series. Sassiness at 6 is cute. Sassiness at 14 is naseauting.

Additonal 7:
1. Kimmy
2. Gia
3. Rebecca
4. Steve
5. Nikki
6. Comet
7. Alex

But, Paul, wasn't the character of "Gia" only featured for two seasons? And didn't she have hardly any agency within the series? Yes. This is true. But... if it had been Comet who enduced puberty for me, then he would have been higher on the list, too.


FAVORITE "SAVED BY THE BELL" CHARACTERS:
1. Zack
2. Screech
3. Slater
4. Kelly
5. Lisa
6. Jessi

First, you gotta' be cool. Then, you should be smart. Next, you oughta be strong. At all costs, avoid being poor, a minority, or out-spoken. These are the not only my priorities, but the world's.


I challenge you to take this list, order them according to your tastes, and post them on YOUR blog. It'll be the greatest debate that 2004 will see!

"WET COTTON"
a 30-minute short written and directed by paul rust
TUESDAY, MAY 11TH - 8PM
PUBLIC SPACE ONE

The evening will also feature Nathan Budde's excellent 30-minute short "Ellie With Jupiter."


And although we aren't publicizing this, I'll let you in on a secret: Nathan and I are opening the evening with a few of our other short videos (ranging from 2-to-7 minutes). This is cool for me because I'll get to screen some of my favorite stuff I've made (but never got to screen publically) such as "Duet" (a music video!) and a non-fiction work about... well, brother, you'll just have to see it!

So be there, eh? 8pm. I'll be waiting for you at the top of the stairs.

Yesterday, on Wednesday, I had my last class ever. Ever. Not just last class in college, but last class in my entire life. This is new to me. I've been in a classroom since 1985 when I first started pre-school. That's 19 years. Now? Nothing.

Sure, I could eventually enter graduate school or just pick up a class here and there, but I have absolutely no plans to do so. So... for now... I will never be a student in a class-room again.

Weird.

On a COMPLETELY RELATED sidenote: I love the "Herky's on Parade" (75 various "Herky the Hawkeye" statues painted in different styles and scattered throughout Iowa City). They're beautiful. My favorite one is "Marilyn Mon-Herky." It's ol' Herky the Hawkeye dressed like Marilyn Monroe from "The Seven Year Itch." He's wearing an ill-fitting white dress and his beak is smeared with whore-red lipstick. It's awesome. Did I mention his name is "Marilyn Mon-Herky?"

Of course, everybody in Iowa City is bitching about these statues. But you know what? You can spend your whole life hating something or you can embrace it and learn to love it.

Learn to love the Herky's, readers. Learn to love 'em.

Right now, I'm heavy into editing "Wet Cotton," my thesis video. It's due this upcoming Monday.

It is - by far - the most difficult thing I've had to edit. Not so much in technical terms. In fact, since I used a shotgun mic for all the sound and a lot of it is shot in long-takes, it is fairly easy to edit on a technical level.

No... what I'm having the most difficulty with is tone. Man alive. I don't know how to keep it movin' from scene to scene or mood to mood. Transitions are a headache. And as for overall atmosphere... I'm really struggling.

But it's getting better with each new revision. So that's always good.

Eh. I better get back to work.

I have DVD copies of my new movie "David Mows Yards" for sale. They are $5.

I'll have some with me at "Best of No Shame" this Friday, May 7th. That'd be the best way to obtain one.

If not, email me at strangelove45@hotmail.com and we'll work something out.

Tonight, we're having our weekly RA staff meeting at Buffalo Wild Wings. Rumor has it that we don't have to pay and each RA is allotted $7 for food. I'm so excited. I've been purposely not snacking for the past few hours, so I have room to be a glutton.

Last night around 3am, Michele and I went around town and took pictures of all the Herky statues before they were unveiled to the public this morning. It was weird - just a bunch of large statues covered in black trash-bags with huge ceramic fists popping out of each one.

Today, I saw them without the trash-bags on. They were cooler last night.

Friday night... in the span of just three hours...

1. A play of mine was performed for the last time in Iowa City.
2. "My Business Failed in Three Weeks" had their last show.
3. I had my last regular No Shame.

Uhhhhhhhh. As you can guess, I'm in that "emotionally-exhausted-and-therefore-not-feeling-anything" stage. Gimme a couple days. I'll be melancholy soon enough.

But no matter what... it was a really special night for me. Obviously, it'll be something that I remember for... yeah... forever. Thanks for everybody who was a part of it. I'm grateful.