Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Some feller known as CharmedSlayer316 on "The Internet Has a Database For Your Movies.Com" went to the summer blockbuster Catwoman and had a lot of burning questions afterwards. He wants them answered, dammit! Since I've seen the movie, I will answer them for him. Enjoy!

1. At the beginning of the movie, did you realize that the characters wore the same thing at Hedare Cosmetics for two days in a row?

Yes, but they explained this. You must have been out of the theatre (getting popcorn-and-green-beans) when the Hedare Cosmetics boss said, "Alright, everybody. New company policy. You've heard of Casual Fridays? Tomorrow is Po' Folk Tuesdays. You must wear the same clothes for two days in a row, carry your lunch in a plastic Hy-Vee bag, and wear Pamida Pumpers."

2. If Patience wanted to get her partying neighbors attention pre-Catwoman, why didn't she just go to their door like she did later in the film?

At the time, Patience had a rare condition (in this day and age) called Mingler's Syndrome. Basically, the symptoms are being afraid of doors and specifically, "going to their door." Fortunately, however, Patience isn't afraid of those famed rock-n-rollers known as "The Doors." Live on, Morrison (Toni)! Impeach Bush.

3. How did Tom Lone get into Patience's house when he thought she was going to jump off the air condition?

There are many things in this world "with conditions," CharmedSlayer316. Love. Honor. Glory. But one thing that is certainly without condition is air. Learn that first and the answer lies before you, child.

4. Why the hell would you climb on an air condition? For a cat?

Why did Hercules build temples for Hera? Why did Cain murder Abel? These are all larger mythic questions that we have been asking ourselves for ages.

Plus, Patience likes kitties! A lot! She thinks they're cute and wants to pet them! With her hands!

5. And how in the world did the Mau cat get into Patience's house? Magic?

If you and this world are so jaded that it cannot believe a Mau cat can enter a home through the power of magic, then perhaps... I do not want to be a part of such a world.

6. Tell the truth, wasn't Alex Borstein the funniest person in the movie?

Guilty as charged!

7. Did you notice Patience kept loosing her shoes?

I assume this is a spelling error and you meant to write, "foobing her shouls." The reason Patience kept "foobing her shouls" is because she is diabetic. Case closed. Impeach Bush.

8. When they were chasing her, why didn't Patience leave the same way she came out, but instead she had to run toward the pipes?

"Running Toward the Pipes" is as long-standing of a tradition as Spain's heralded "Running of the Bulls" and Holland's beloved "Swimming Near the Leaky Rowboat." Patience was simply participating in one of America's greatest traditions. Or didn't you know that, Benedict Arnold?

9. Did you see how fake that cat was that ressurected her?

CharmedSlayer316, this seems less like a question and more of an opportunity to backhand the movie. It'd be like if I asked: "Hey, why are you being such a prick about that cat who ressurected Patience?"

10. Why did Benjamin Bratt take it upon himself to show his chest in the basketball part? Can you say ugh?

Yes, I can say "Ugh." But I can also say, "Hot damn! Me so horny for Latins!"

11. Is it me or does Sharon Stone need some sunlight?

Mm-hmm. I've talked it over with many others and yes, a majority of them agreed that Sharon Stone does indeed "need some sunlight." Good job.

12. How Patience started the motorcycle without keys?

Mind control. Cats have this power. I once saw my cat Minnie start a vaccum cleaner just by farting on it.

13. And when she cut her hair, how did she do that so quick?

In the vast and complex World of Film, there is a Republic of Editing. This nation's major policies include: 1) instituting a consistent sense of space and time, 2) creating a desired mood, style, and/or tone, and 3) cuttin' out the boring parts. Although test audiences were requesting (nay, demanding) that the film show the entire, lengthy process of Patience cutting her hair, the producers nixed the idea, citing: "Let's piss off CharmedSlayer316."

14. How did Patience create that Catwoman suit so quickly?

From 1997 to 1999, Patience was Lead Fashion Consultant for "Hott-n-Skanky," Remsen-Union High School's premiere drill team. Why, I heard she made 37 outfits in one fortnight!

15. What did Sharon Stone cut her husband with that made it look like cat claws?

"Cat-Claw Knives" from Norelco, Inc. We sell them in the Hardware Department at Wal-Mart. Come out sometime and I'll show them to you. They're right next to the product known as "Kiss my ass!"

16. Who is running Hedare now that they all are dead?

Chris Harris. He's a pretty good guy. He can be a dick from time to time, but all in all, he's a stand-up guy.

17. Shouldn't the whole police force know that Catwoman is really Patience?

Yes and you've picked up on something very important, CharmedSlayer316. Fortunately, there will be a specialized Federal commision investigating exactly why the police force didn't know Catwoman is really Patience and more importantly, who messed this up! Impeach Bush.

18. Didn't that catlady have one cheap staircase to push Patience off from it?

"That Catlady" you're referring to is my mother. Thanks a lot, CharmedSlayer316. Thanks a lot.

19. Did the ending seem soo much like Spider-Man?

Yes - especially the part where Tobey Maguire came out and said, "Yo, Patience! I'm Spiderman 2! Where's my Seabisquits?!"

And that, as they say, is that.

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