Wednesday, January 07, 2004

Wax in my ears!

This is nothing new.

The Male Rust Dynasty has been cursed with excessive ear wax since the beginning of Tide. Why? Is it in our genes? A natural adaptation to ensure our safety? Were our caveman ancestors constantly besieged with baby pterodactyls infesting our ears?

The answer is "YES!"

(I have extensive records and solid documentation to prove this. If you care to read it, go to: http://www.imdb.com)

Cursed by evolution, I have to deal with this ear-wax problem every few months. It collects and builds and plugs up my ears. As a result, I get instense pain in my ear canal. Sometimes, a chunk will drop off and land on my ear-drum. Then I can't hear anything! I can't even hear shit!

And no, I don't have ear-wax problems because I am "dirty." I do not sit on the "filthy snowhill in the grocery store parking lot." I don't "wear Orlando Magic team jackets long after they've ceased being popular." I practice good hygience. I clean my ears regularly. I'm just a victim of my own genes.

So, on Tuesday morning, I went to the doctor's office because I had a pain in my left ear I could no longer ignore. The doctor surmised that it was indeed due to "excessive ear-wax build-up" (or "EEB" in the medical world). To fix it, the doctor informed me I would have to get it washed out.

When the doctor left, I started to kick my feet against the examination table in absolute glee. This was gonna' be great! I've gotten my ears washed out before and it is one of the most pleasurable feelings in the world. Honestly.

So, a few minutes later, the nurse came in, turned on this water-pick, and put it in my ear. And what it does is... it shoots high-pressure, hot water straight into your ear canal. And like a jackhammer, it drills that ear-wax clean out. It feels sooooo good. Seriously. I mean, it sort of hurts, but... like a good hurt?

You know what I'm talking about...

Masochism. Through and through.

Therefore, I have come to believe that there's a direct biological connection between the ear canal and the crotch. One giant vein from lobe to junk. Check imdb for more details.

Unfortunately, right when it was feeling the best, the nurse turned off the water-pick. Grrrrr. Seriously, this nurse had no sense of pleasure-giving whatsoever. So selfish.

Whatever. It was all made up for when afterwards, I looked into the tiny container that I held underneath my ear during the procedure and I got to see all the prizes that fell out of my head. Inside, there were little splecks of gold and... two nickel-sized gobs of black wax! Yay!

Here are some follow-up questions for my readers:

Have you ever gone to the doctor? Were you scared? What are some other words for "doctor?"

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