Saturday, August 30, 2003

Tonight, I sat downtown and watched some kids on a playground while I waited for a couple of friends to come by. The kids were having fun and they seemed to be really enjoying everything. It was neat.

And naturally, I started thinking about how I was a kid and how I'd go to the playground.. and how I didn't find it much fun. I'd have to, you know, fake enjoy the playground. I'd be on the slide, for instance, and I'd have to force myself to think, "Yay! I'm a kid! Slides are fun! I'm having fun! I'm being a kid and having fun!" That, of course, spoils all the fun.

And then I started to think about how I do that with a lot of things. I consistently trick myself into liking things or enjoying activities or feeling passionate about something. I rarely have "pure" moments - where I feel an emotion without prompting myself into feeling it.

I don't know. I'm generally a happy person, but it's been a really long time since I've felt pure, unprompted joy. Or pure love. Maybe I need to just let it happen without forcing it.

It's like... on Wednesday night, I tried to get hypnotized at a campus event, right? But while the hypnotist was trying to do it, I was so conscious of the entire experience. I'd be thinking, "Am I hypnotized now? Am I... now? Quit thinking about it. Just let it happen! Oh, now you've screwed it up! It's too late! You're not hypnotized!" If I would have just relaxed and not forced it, I could have probably been hypnotized.

But then again... I could be wrong. Maybe there's no such thing as a "pure" moment. Maybe it's always going to be bogged down with expectations and failures and whatnot. And maybe I'm not wrong for forcing things. Maybe the only way of feeling things is by trying to do it.

In any case... within a couple minutes, my friends came by and we left the playground. I got a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup blizzard at Dairy Queen. Consequently, my stomach received pure joy.

Problem solved!

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