Sunday, August 17, 2003

The following are the name tags on my incoming residents' doors. There's 43 residents and 43 presidents, so each resident gets their own president. Each nametag has a picture of their adopted president and a quote from the president himself.

These were written with great contribution by my friend Ricky Herbst.

George Washington
“I invented the cherry tree! And I’ll be topside in a salt factory if that Sally Jessi says elsewise!” – George Washington

John Adams
“Many of my contemporaries refer to me as ‘the ninth Beatle’.” – John Adams

Thomas Jefferson
“Although I’m most known for my work on the Declaration of Independence, I’d say my best work is the theme song from The Facts of Life.” – Thomas Jefferson

James Madison
“People often thought I smelled of snakes and licorice. Little did they know, I was deathly afraid of licorice so I wouldn’t be seen near that stuff.” – James Madison

James Monroe
“That’s right. James Monroe: the great grandfather of 50’s blonde bombshell… Jayne Mansfield.” - James Monroe

John Quincy Adams
“Keyboard aficionados often refer to me as John Qwerty Adams.”
– John Quincy Adams

Andrew Jackson
“For the first 15 years of my life, I was raised by polar bears who taught me their own language. And I say to them: Garble grrr gragle coca-cola.”
– Andrew Jackson

Martin Van Buren
“I bought a DVD player down at Best Buy and it doesn’t work so well. What’s their refund policy? Do you know? I think I’m gonna’ head down there later. In my horse and buggy!” - Martin Van Buren

William Harrison
“While vacationing in the tropics, I came upon a man who promised to make me the President of the United States of America if I strangled a mermaid with my bare hands. And I’m happy to say: Take that, Ariel!” – William Harrison

John Tyler
“They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but I contend the path traces not through the digestive system, but rather, the famed “Timber Wolf” rollercoaster at Worlds of Fun.” – John Tyler

James K. Polk
“If I had a time machine, I’d travel back in time to the days of flying cars and make myself a pizza. A cosmic pizza!” – James K. Polk

Zachary Taylor
“Who am I?” – Zachary Taylor

Millard Fillmore
“I’m so old-timey, my beard is made of broken phonographs.” – Millard Fillmore

Franklin Pierce
“You can buy my latest album, Watch Out, Mister! Gonna’ Getcha!, wherever men’s fanny packs are sold.” – Franklin Pierce

James Buchanan
"I don’t know. Maybe I’m weird or something, but I always wanted to play the xylophone. Unfortunately, they always told me my arms were too short. But guess who entered the Oval Office proudly playing a xylophone, proving his detractors wrong? That’s right… Sir Millard Fillmore.” – James Buchanan

Abraham Lincoln
“Historians often believe I wrote the Gettysburg Address on the back of an envelope. However, I’ll let you know… Mad-Libs is not an envelope.”
– Abraham Lincoln

Andrew Johnson
“Come into my store. I’ll make you some clothes. You can have some cake made fresh today. Now fall asleep.” – Andrew Johnson

Ulysses S. Grant
“Do you know why I like hypnotism? It’s people doing things they wouldn’t normally do. Like I saw this guy who did an impression of Carrot Top once. It wasn’t very good, but it was funny because this guy would sooooo not normally do an impression of Carrot Top.” – Ulysses S. Grant

Rutherford B. Hayes
“The ‘B’ in my name stands for pancakes.” – Rutherford B. Hayes

James Garfield
“In the elections, I triumphantly defeated my opponent James… Odie.” – James Garfield

Chester A. Arthur
“I had them install a swimming pool in the backyard of the White House. The construction took a long time and they didn’t clean up their shovels when they left. Am I wrong for being angry at this? Because I don’t want to seem like a grouch or anything, but gosh… I mean, that was a real mess.” – Chester A. Arthur

Grover Cleveland I (1885-1889)
“Have you heard that song “Cleveland Rocks?” That song was written about me. What? Why are you laughing? Seriously, I think it was. Right?” - Grover Cleveland I (1885-1889)

Benjamin Harrison
“They say you can determine a President’s worth by the number of ostriches in his front lawn. Notice: There ain’t no ostriches in my lawn!” – Benjamin Harrison

Grover Cleveland II (1893-1897)
“Okay. You liked my first term. But not enough fireworks, huh? I hear ya, I hear ya. Well, I’m back. And this time it takes place in New York. And I befriend a bird lady in the park. It’s kinda like that old guy before. But this time, it’s that bird lady. And something about a toy store. I don’t really get it.”
- Grover Cleveland II (1893-1897)

William McKinley
“A lot of people think I was named after the tallest mountain in the United States. However, my name is clearly not William Space Mountain.” – William McKinley

Theodore Roosevelt
“I got some new carpet in my living room a few weeks ago. Of course, Angela Lansbury and her husband had to bring their 5 year-old nephew Tyler to my Thanksgiving dinner. Hey, Lansbury, I got a mystery for you to solve: who dumped grape juice all over my new carpet? Oh, wait. I know. It was your five year-old nephew Tyler. Thanks a lot, Angela.” – Theodore Roosevelt

William Howard Taft
“In 1986, I contracted a rare form of Scurvy that allowed me to talk to the dead. The first person I talked to? Hall-of-Famer Nolan Ryan. And trust me, folks… the line wasn’t busy.” - William Howard Taft

Woodrow Wilson
“First things first: I don’t take orders from anybody. Not you. Not your supervisor. Not your rental car agent. I’m going to drive and eat peanut M&Ms no matter what you say. I don’t care if it does make the steering wheel sticky. Sorry if this is difficult for you to understand, Mr. Too-Good-to-Eat-Peanut-M&M’s-and-Listen-to-Electric-Light-Orchestra-While-Driving-Guy”
- Woodrow Wilson

Warren G. Harding
“I invented the multiplication table. And although I was criticized harshly for one particular equation, I don’t think it was that big of a deal. I just liked the sound of... 9x14=Warren G. Harding is so awesome.” – Warren G. Harding

Calvin Coolidge
“The business of this nation is… c-c-candy! With frostin’!” – Calvin Coolidge

Herbert Hoover
“Visit my presidential library. If you go, I’ll let them name if after you. Seriously. No one ever comes anymore. It’s just me and this grocery store cashier who keeps asking me where we keep the periodicals. And I’m like, “Lady, I told you yesterday.” But everyday… the same old song and dance. And believe me, folks, this President ain’t singing, nor dancing for anybody else. Anymore. And you know what? The dance floor’s gonna’ be just fine.” – Herbert Hoover

Franklin D. Roosevelt
“So, last week, I was in the park, wearing a purple football jersey. Obviously. And this teenager asked me how to get to California. I pointed to the sun, cleared a tear from my eye, and said, “Attaway!” – Franklin D. Roosevelt

Harry S. Truman
“Geesh! What does it take to get a decent jet-ski around here? I mean, really?!” – Harry S. Truman

Dwight Eisenhower
“The milkman came to the door, but I couldn’t answer it. You see… I’s-in-the-shower. And that’s the d-wight answer to the question. But maybe I should have been nixin’ that question. Or perhaps I should have altogether Lithgow-ed it.” - Dwight Eisenhower

John F. Kennedy
“I started selling t-shirts out of the back of my station wagon in Okoboji. That was the summer of ’82.” – John F. Kennedy

Lyndon B. Johnson
“Back before you were born, I was the roadie for Jefferson Starship. They claim to have built this city on rock-n-roll. But I like to think that we built it less on rock-n-roll and more on old-timey rag music. You know, like the kind that goes bam-bam-bam… groomp groomp… zooooom!” – Lyndon B. Johnson

Richard Nixon
“You know what’s funny? Dunk tanks! They always make me laugh. Because the person’s all, “Doop. Doop. Doop. I’m not gonna’ get wet! Then boink! Splash! Oh, no! My face is all wet!” – Richard Nixon

Gerald Ford
“I went and saw the Chicago Bulls. They weren’t playing a game, but… I think they’re gonna’ be good this year.” – Gerald Ford

Jimmy Carter
“Salamanders!” – Jimmy Carter

Ronald Reagan
“Because I got friends and that’s a fact. Like Agnes, Agatha, Jermaine, and Jack.” – Ronald Reagan

George H.W. Bush
“Read my lips: No new homework assignments! And the drinking fountains? They won’t just have water. You’ll have, like, a choice. Like if you wanted Mello-Yello, you just have to push a button and you get Mello-Yello. Or whatever. And oh, oh! Waterslides connecting every classroom!”
– George H.W. Bush

Bill Clinton
“Have you seen that movie Look Who’s Talking? It’s got this baby who talks. Well, actually, the baby doesn’t talk-talk. It, like, thinks the words. But you can hear them. In the audience. I mean, you gotta’ listen. But they’re there. And they’re super-funny. Like stuff you wouldn’t expect a baby to say.” – Bill Clinton

George W. Bush
“Welcome to the University of Iowa!” – George W. Bush


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