You guys familiar with Quick Text? If you own a cellular phone, you probably are. If you don't, right now, you're screaming, "What the shit is Quick Text?!!!!" Calm down, Brian Kessler. I'll tell you.

"Quick Text" is an option on your cellular phone's text-messaging service. It's a list of pre-programmed TEXT messages that you can QUICKly access. Quick Text. Ah-ha.

Let's say, for instance, you wanted to meet a friend, but you're too busy to type out a text message (i.e. stuck in that important meeting at Cyberdyne). No worries, Timon and Pumba. Just use Quick Text message #2: "Let's meet." Problem solved. Crisis resolved. Hot Pocket eaten. Cheese and meatballs again? Awww, mom!

So, a couple days ago, I was looking through all 12 of my Quick Text messages. They're fairly standard and include the following:

1. What's up?
2. Let's meet.
3. Take a hike.
4. Check this out!
5. Whatcha doin?
6. This is for dinner.
7. What do you think?
8. Can you see me now?
9. Come home and get it.
10. _____________
11. You gotta be here to enjoy this.
12. Would like to join for date tonight?

Oops. Did I forget to write down message #10? Huh. My mistake. I guess I'll write it down... right... now!

10. Can't live like this here.

Holy shit. Holy. Shit. What depressed, suicidal Verizon employee snuck in this desperate cry-for-help? I mean, I'm sure working for the Verizon coporation can be a dehumanizing, soul-crushing experience, but... easy there, fella.

If the guy who wrote Quick Text message #12 is reading this, let's, y'know, hang out sometime. We can rent a movie. Or maybe go bowling. We don't have to talk about the heavy stuff. It'd just be good to get out and have some fun, right? Of course, if you want to talk about the heavy stuff, that's cool, too. It's your day, buddy.

Quick Text message #13: We all care for you very much, Verizon Quick Text guy.