Grace and Peter - the rock-n-roll duo consisting of Charlyne Yi and myself - recently played a show at "Garage Comedy." You can watch a post-show interview with the both of us here (scroll down to "Grace and Peter").


Also, The American Film Insitute's expanded "100 Greatest Movie Quotes" continues...

26. She Done Him Wrong, 1933.
"Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I got microwave popcorn and Capri-Sun."

27. Midnight Cowboy, 1969.
"I'm walking here! I'm walking here! But mark my words: I definitely ain't TALKING here!"

28. Casablanca, 1942.
"Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By'... this time, I promise to record it on my boom-box, so I can listen to it anytime I want. Like when I'm out boatin' with the fam at Yankton."

29. A Few Good Men, 1992.
"You can't handle the truth! It's too hot to handle! Too cold to hold! They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control!"

30. Grand Hotel, 1932.
"I want to be alone... but if you guys are doin' something cool later, gimme a call."

31. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
"After all, tomorrow is another day! I call it 'cartoon day.'"

32. Casablanca, 1942.
"Round up the usual suspects... and no, I ain't talkin' about OJ Simpson! Or Michael Jackson! Or Monica Lewinsky! I'm talking about THE MEDIA and our MEDIA-OBSESSED CULTURE (like the kind examined in Natural Born Killers)."

33. When Harry Met Sally..., 1989.
"I'll have what she's having... a funny, lady-orgasm in public!"

34. To Have and Have Not, 1944.
"You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow... but make sure you don't have crackers in your mouth. I mean, it'll be funny, but it's gonna' make a mess at Paul's sister's birthday party in 1986."

35. Jaws, 1975.
"You're gonna need a bigger boat... or we won't have enough room for that boom-box when we go to Yankton."

36. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.
"Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges! But if the price is right, I'll show you my butt and tanline."

37. The Terminator, 1984.
"I'll be back... so don't close the door because my hands will be full with laundry."

38. The Pride of the Yankees, 1942.
"Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth... yeah, that's right! Earth! Ever heard of it, E.T.?"

39. Field of Dreams, 1989.
"If you build it, he will come... it's getting him to leave that's the tough part!"

40. Forrest Gump, 1994.
"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get... although, to be honest, I know I'm always gonna' get one thing from a box of chocolates and that, of course, is zits! Yikes! I keep tellin' myself to stop eatin' them, but --- I swear, I'm like a choc-aholic or something!"

41. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.
"We rob banks... like Bonnie and Clyde used to."

42. The Graduate, 1967.
"Plastics... fantastics."

43. Casablanca, 1942.
"We'll always have Paris... Holiday Inn."

44. The Sixth Sense, 1999.
"I see dead people... and I can hear them as well. And lemme tell ya', ma, Hendrix still knows how to wail!" (GUITAR RIFF)

45. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
"Stella! Hey, Stella! It's me - Marlon Brando!!!"

46. Now, Voyager, 1942.
"Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars... or as I like to call them - Moon Juniors."

47. Shane, 1953.
"Shane. Shane. Come back! Don't worry, I'll leave the door open, so you can get in easier when your hands are full with laundry."

48. Some Like It Hot, 1959.
"Well, nobody's perfect... just look at Tom Cruise's recent public behavior, which, to put it mildly, has been very bizarre. First, there was the Oprah appearance. And then, his fight with Matt Lauer. I dunno. I think his engagement with Katie Holmes is just a big publicity stunt for War of the Worlds if you ask me."

49. Frankenstein, 1931.
"It's alive! It's alive! And it's... it's... doing the twist?!!!"

50. Apollo 13, 1995.
"Houston, we have a problem... I closed the door on Terminator and Shane."

The American Film Institute recently announced their list of top 100 quotes from U.S. movies. Although these lines are indeed "classic," the lines FOLLOWING the quotes are often just as great, but tragically forgotten. Here are the first 25 in their entirety:

1. Gone With the Wind, 1939
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... or a shit."

2. The Godfather, 1972.
"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse... one bag of aggies for his Bo Jackson rookie card. Bo knows a good deal when he sees one."

3. On the Waterfront, 1954.
"You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am... why, I'm no better than that ol' Andy Kapp in the funny papers. From now on, just call me Marlon 'Andy Capp' Brando."

4. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore... in fact, I think we're in that magical land of Oz."

5. Casablanca, 1942.
"Here's looking at you, kid... but in my own weird way, here's looking at ME, too."

6. Sudden Impact, 1983.
"Go ahead, make my day... by taking me to TCBY."

7. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up... of YOUR butt."

8. Star Wars, 1977.
"May the Force be with you... and the Hershey bars with me! Yum, yum!"

9. All About Eve, 1950.
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night... so make sure to fasten your seatbelts."

10. Taxi Driver, 1976.
"You talking to me? Or you talking to BEES? Cuz if you're talking to bees, you can take it outside, Honeycomb."

11. Cool Hand Luke, 1967.
"What we've got here is a failure to communicate... but fortunately, we still got the power to jokey-rap." (BEAT STARTS, RAP BEGINS) "Well, you're Cool Hand Luke and you're here to say: I likes to Luke in a cool hand way."

12. Apocalypse Now, 1979.
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning... boy, I've sure become desensitized to the Vietnam War! Kinda makes you think, doesn't it? Not just about me, but America's realtionship to the war in general."

13. Love Story, 1970.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry... but it does mean putting the toilet seat down - am I right, ladies?!!"

14. The Maltese Falcon, 1941.
"The stuff that dreams are made of... y'know, like subconscious desires."

15. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.
"E.T. phone home... but YOU accept the charges, Elliot! I ain't no Donald E.T. Trump."

16. In the Heat of the Night, 1967.
"They call me Mister Tibbs! But you can call me Pauly Dangerfield."

17. Citizen Kane, 1941.
"Rosebud... hey, it's 1941! World War Two just started!"

18. White Heat, 1949.
"Made it, Ma! Top of the world! Next up? Branson!"

19. Network, 1976.
"I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore! So you can take this job and shove it, boss!"

20. Casablanca, 1942.
"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship... Louis, I want you to wear my class ring." ***

21. The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti... but twas his butt that was most delicious!"

22. Dr. No, 1962.
"Bond. James Bond. That's right. My name is Bond James Bond."

23. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"There's no place like home... or for that matter, my second home: TCBY!"

24. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"I am big! It's the pictures that got small... too small if you ask me."

25. Jerry Maguire, 1996.
"All these Maguires... and not enough Jerry to show for it."

*** NOTE: (joke ripped-off from "Evil Stepbrother" episode of Saved by the Bell)

My friends Adam and Ellen have started a new website. It's neat and funny. Check out www.underhyped.com.


So I bought a new pair of British Knights sneakers at Foot Locker. At first, I was excited, but then I remembered some advice I got back in grade school (circa 1991)...

"If you ever visit Los Angeles, don't wear British Knights because their initials are "B.K." and "B.K." stands for BLOOD KILLERS. If you wear British Knights in Los Angeles, you'll look like a Crypt and the Bloods will kill you." (Mr. Roecker, Gehlen Catholic elementary principal)

Fearing for my life, I tried to return the sneakers at Foot Locker, but to my dismay, one of my fellow Crypts was working behind the counter. "Blood-Gun" said I was part of the gang and if I backed out now, I'd have to kill the next person who told me to turn on my headlights.

I nodded solemnly and drowned my sorrows with a milkshake at Burger King.

Yum. Burger King.

B.K.

Blood Killers.

The Crypts own 90% of Burger King and British Knights.

And "Boyz In the Hood" was loosely based on "The Burger King Kids Club."


Wow! Looky here!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)

Strange occurences in the "Celebrity Cited" list. Early Saturday, my friends and I spotted Marissa Jaret Winokur at the Cafe 101 in Hollywood. Winokur is the full-sized actress from "Scary Movie," the new TV show "Stacked," and that episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" where Larry breaks his finger. She also won a Tony recently for her work in the musical version of "Hairspray," in which she portrayed Tracy Turnblad who (strangely enough)...

Was portrayed by Ricki Lake in the film version of "Hairspray."

That's right. Lake was #35. Winokur was #36. Weird!

If I'm lucky, my next celeb-spotting will be Harold Ramis. And then after him, the guy who did Egon's voice in "The Real Ghostbusters" cartoon.

Two minutes ago, I felt my first earthquake.

It was pretty cool.

Right now, I'm currently in the process of getting my name changed to "Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude." I'll travel from elementary school to elementary school, sharing stories about my survival and educating children about how they can be brave like me and protect themselves from earthquakes.

Okay. I just confirmed all the dates on my upcoming "Earthquake Survival" tour. Most of the schools I visit will be in the Midwest.

Signed,
"Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude"

Funny bones and feathers...

"M-Spot"
@ the MBAR
1253 N. Vine
Monday, June 13th
8:30pm $5

Sarah Silverman
Nick Swardson
Paul Rust <------------ me.
Scott and Stacey
Martha Kelly

Host: Jason Nash
plus DJ Sneaky Pete

reservations at: 323 856-0036

Also... this week's "LA Weekly" referred to me as an "up-and-comer" comic. Read the article here.

In second grade, my teacher Miss Schmidt yelled at me for acting up in class.

I really liked Miss Schmidt, so I wanted to apologize and make things better. That's why I drew her a picture and put it on her desk.

At the top, in big letters, were the words: "I'm sorry."

Underneath it was a drawing of me... crying.

It seems the only way I could apologize to Miss Schmidt was by letting her know how much she had hurt my feelings.

(This entry is the second installment of my popular series: "How I Manipulated People as a Child")

Chatting with some people over the weekend, I remembered this event...

April 12th, 1988: It's my seventh birthday, I'm in kindergarten, and I avoid everyone at recess. No one comes close to me. I stand by the fence alone and if anyone comes near me, I get away fast. In fact, if someone invites me to play, I decline.

Halfway through the recess, I ditch out early and re-enter the classroom... to complain to Mrs. Jenneary that no one's playing with me and I feel excluded. And then I start to cry. And Mrs. Jenneary comforts me.

10 minutes later, all my classmates return from recess and enter the classroom. Once everyone is seated, Mrs. Jenneary promptly lectures everyone on how they need to play with everyone at recess - especially Paul WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS TODAY. As expected, all my classmates feel bad and go "awwwww" (even the ones I declined to play with). A lot of them apologize for excluding me. They sing "Happy Birthday."

And I sit at my desk with blood-shot cry-eyes and smile. Because everyone loves me on my birthday!

Can you feel it? That tension? That... anticipation? Smell it. Smell the air. You can smell the tension and anticipation in the air.

Yes. Across the globe, folks are wondering...

"Will Paul have a celebrity sighting for the month of May?" (Hakatori Mazato, Japan)

"Will this be the FIRST MONTH since Paul's arrival nine months ago that he went WITHOUT a celebrity sighting?" (Ellen O'Flaherty, Ireland)

"What are we gonna' do?" (a cute koala bear, Australia)

Fear not, my friends... for April showers bring May celebrities!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)

Ricki Lake was eating outside a restaurant in West Hollywood. She caught me staring at her.