Make your reservations for...

"COMEDY DEATH RAY"
hosted by NEIL CAMPBELL and PAUL RUST
Tuesday, August 2nd - 8:30pm
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Blvd)

with special guests:
Louis CK
Todd GLASS
Mary Lynn RAJSKUB
Scott AUKERMAN
Dan MINTZ
James ADOMIAN
Charlyne YI
Kulap VILAYSACK

Make your reservations here.

Plus, I got more suggestions...

ANIMAL NOISES (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: A bird's tweet
2. Like, But Don't Respect: A horse's neigh
3. Respect, But Don't Like: A wolf's howl
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: A cat's meow

80'S BALLADS (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: Willie Nelson's "Always on My Mind"
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Eric Carmen's "Hungry Eyes"
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Madonna's "La Isla Bonita"
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red"

BODY PARTS (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: Small of the back
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Back teeth
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Veins
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Hairline

TOM HANKS ROLES (as suggested by S. Griffin)
1. Like and Respect: Josh (Big)
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Sherman McCoy (Bonfire of the Vanities)
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Joe Fox (You've Got Mail)

MODES OF TRANSPORTATION (as suggested by S. Griffin)
1. Like and Respect: Airplanes
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Surry
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Sailboat
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Dune Buggy

It continues...

MUPPETS (as suggested by N. Campbell)
1. Like and Respect: Fozzie
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Swedish Chef
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Animal
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Dr. Teeth

"SAVED BY THE BELL" CHARACTERS (as suggested by J. Livermore)
1. Like and Respect: Kelly Kapowski
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Zack Morris
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Jessica Spano
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Screech

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)

Last Friday, I spotted former Alanis Morisette/current Foo Fighters' drummer Taylor Hawkins eating dinner on Franklin Avenue in Hollywood. And no, wiseguy, he was not eating drum-sticks. He was devouring them!

Last night, my friend Rick and I developed a system to JUDGE ALL THINGS IN THE WORLD. It is as follows:

1. "Like and respect."
2. "Like, but don't respect."
3. "Respect, but don't like."
4. "Don't like and don't respect."

Look! It applies to EVERYTHING.

MOVIES
1. Like and Respect: Election
2. Like, But Don't Respect: The Day After Tomorrow
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Breathless
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Garden State

ROCK BANDS
1. Like and Respect: Big Star
2. Like, But Don't Respect: My Chemical Romance
3. Respect, But Don't Like: latter-day Radiohead
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Linkin Park

TV SHOWS
1. Like and Respect: Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Saved by the Bell
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Six Feet Under
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Tonight Show with Jay Leno

SANDWICHES
1. Like and Respect: Reuben
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Bacon Cheeseburger
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Fish Sandwich
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Patty Melt

PAST PETS
1. Like and Respect: Lucky (2nd black lab)
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Joe (1st black lab)
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Alley (cat)
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Artie (my turtle)

NATURAL ELEMENTS
1. Like and Respect: Water
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Wind
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Earth
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Fire

Want me to weigh in on more things in the world? Email your categories to me at strangelove45@hotmail.com and I'll post 'em on my blog.

"Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

You never hear this anymore! Back in the 80's, that expression was in every movie you saw. That's right. Every movie. Go check. Really. I'll wait. Yes, yes. Go check.

(YOU RENT EVERY MOVIE FROM THE 1980'S AND WATCH THEM IN THEIR ENTIRETY...)

Ah, there. Good. What'd you think of those boobs in Back to School? Yes. I closed my eyes, too. And yeah, the movie went too far when Rodney said the "f-word."

And oh. I hereby declare that I will bring back - "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?" - into public consciousness. Not through a massive campaign or anything like that. Just in my own small, little way:

LADY BOSS: "Why haven't you finished that report?!"
PAUL: "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

LADY COP: "Mr. Rust. You were travelling 22 miles over the speed limit."
PAUL: "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

LADY BULLDOG: "We just won State Basketball!"
PAUL: "Congratulations!"

I'm calling everyone (both male and female) to begin using this expression. With hard work and determination, it can regain popularity in our time! Do your part, citizens!

And, of course...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)

Marsden was outside the Mann's Chinese...
Foster was shopping for groc-e-ries...
And Skye was a "Comedy Death Ray" attendee.

MAKE YOUR RESERVATIONS NOW...




Through sketch, video, song and their own unbridled enthusiasm, Neil Campbell and Paul Rustweave a singular tale of friendship and adventure. They will literally leap off the stage and into your heart!

Click here to reserve tickets!

Happy 4th of July, everybody! To celebrate our nation's birthday, I'm concluding the American Film Institute's list of expanded "100 Classic Movie Quotes." Happy Indendence Day!

51. Dirty Harry, 1971.
"You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk? You have 45 minutes to answer the question. If you get stuck, move on and answer it later."

52. Jerry Maguire, 1996.
"You had me at hello... but Mr. Bill Cosby? He had me at Jello! Yummers!"

53. Animal Crackers, 1930.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know... I murdered a living thing."

54. A League of Their Own, 1992.
"There's no crying in baseball... but there's a whole lotta' weeping in THESE BALLS." (gestures to crotch)

55. Annie Hall, 1977.
"La-dee-da, la-dee-da... next time, won't you sing with me?"

56. Psycho, 1960.
"A boy's best friend is his mother... nature. Yes. His mother nature is a boy's best friend."

57. Wall Street, 1987.
"Greedy, for lack of a better word, is good... although I am biased since my father starred in the movie."

58. The Godfather Part II, 1974.
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... you can read all about it and more in my new book I Invited You to My Birthday Party Because I Hate You."

59. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again... Thanks, Twix!"

60. Sons of the Desert, 1933.
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into... but I refuse to play the Blame Game. Because in that game, no one wins. No one."

61. Scarface, 1983.
"Say `hello' to my little friend! Did I mention you had me when you said 'hello' to my little friend?"

62. Beyond the Forest, 1949.
"What a dump... I can't wait to take another shit!"

63. The Graduate, 1967.
"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you? And on a sidenote, the 'plastics line' from this same movie is definitely more classic than the one I'm saying right now."

64. Dr. Strangelove, 1964.
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room! Which is located squarely in the Irony Wing of our building."

65. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, 1929.
"Elementary, my dear Watson... god, you're stupid."

66. Planet of the Apes, 1968.
"Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape... and other things I said to your father on prom night."

67. Casablanca, 1942.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... is she looking over here? Don't - don't look. But... is she?"

68. The Shining, 1980.
"Here's Johnny! But you can call me: Johnny-dawg!"

69. Poltergeist, 1982.
"They're here! Johnny-dawg and the gang!"

70. "Marathon Man," 1976.
"Is it safe? Me putting my finger in this shark's butt?"

71. "The Jazz Singer," 1927.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet! Ladies and gentlemen: the advent of sound!"

72. Mommie Dearest, 1981.
"No wire hangers, ever! Listen to Mommie! Or as you can call me: Mommie the Dearest!"

73. Little Caesar, 1930.
"Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico? Certainly, not the end of 'Rico Suave.' Class of '91!"

74. Chinatown, 1974.
"Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown... population: China."

75. "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951.
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers... one morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

76. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991.
"Hasta la vista, baby... your mom and I will have the baby monitor on, so cry if you need us. You see, I'm talking to an actual baby."

77. Soylent Green, 1973.
"Soylent Green is people! Soylent Red is PEPPER!"

78. 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968.
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL... I gotta' take a shit."

79. Airplane! 1980.
"Surely, you can't be serious."
"I am serious ... and don't call me Yahoo Serious."

80. Rocky, 1976.
"Yo, Adrian! It's the 4th of July!"

81. Funny Girl, 1968.
"Hello, gorgeous... you had me at 'Hello, gorgeous'."

82. National Lampoon's Animal House, 1978.
"Toga! Toga! Togamos! Togamos! Togan! Togan!"

83. Dracula, 1931.
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make... I vant to suck your bloooood!"

84. King Kong, 1933.
"Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast... so let's go arrest Beauty."

85. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002.
"My precious... ring."

86. Dog Day Afternoon, 1975.
"Attica! Attica! Atticamos! Atticamos! Attican! Attican!"

87. 42nd Street, 1933.
"Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star... and so begins the story of Sawyer Brown."

88. On Golden Pond, 1981.
"Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go... oh yeeeeeaaaaah."

89. Knute Rockne, All American, 1940
"Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper... and maybe - just maybe - another one for me, the Mipper."

90. Goldfinger, 1964.
"A martini. Shaken, not stirred... and a Mr. Pibb. Peed in, but not farted on."

91. The Naughty Nineties, 1945.
"Who's on first... and oh, to clarify, I'm making a statement about James Who's location on first base. I'm not asking a question whatsoever. Cuz boy, would things get confusing!"

92. Caddyshack, 1980.
"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac --- it's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole! I don't want to brag, but this was all ad-libbed!"

93. Auntie Mame, 1958.
"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death... boy, I sure do know how to bring down a party."

94. Top Gun, 1986.
"I feel the need — the need for speed! Wait. No. No one needs anything. I want the need - I want the need for speed."

95. Dead Poets Society, 1989.
"Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary... and you ladies? Take a seat."

96. Moonstruck, 1987.
"Snap out of it! And into my car!"

97. Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942.
"My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you... and my hand? It SPANKS you! Oh oh ohhhhhh!"

98. Dirty Dancing, 1987.
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner... not even Ol' Baby-Corner Jones."

99. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! And your Johnny-Dawg as well!"

100. Titanic, 1997.
"I'm king of the world! Metaphorically!"