From Wikipedia:

On March 24, 2004, Richard Simmons was arrested and charged with assault after allegedly slapping a motorcycle salesman at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, Arizona. The salesman, Chris Farney, spotted Simmons in the crowd and said, "Look, Richard Simmons! Drop your bags, let's rock to the '50s." Simmons replied, "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues." He then lightly slapped Farney's face. Farney, who was uninjured, called the police. All charges against Simmons were dropped.

I will go ahead and state the obvious: That motorcycle salesman is the funniest person in America.

"Drop your bags?" Hilarious. "Let's rock to the 50's?" Genius. What an amazing, amazing thing to say.

True, I don't necessarily care for Farney's mean-ness. I'm sure Richard Simmons is a nice guy and doesn't deserve public ridicule, but...

"Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's" is the funniest statement I've heard in 15 years.

I picked up a book of matches the other day.

And I realized that the total amount of matches I've lit through my entire life has been...

Thirty. Under thirty, easily.

I dunno. Fire really scared (scares) me, so I avoid lighting matches at all costs.

Then I lit a match and it burnt my thumb.

Burn me once? Shame on you. Burn me twice? Shame on... ewe.