DISNEYLAND - DECEMBER 2004


A mother and father with their two children.

Last Saturday, I was at Disneyland for 17 hours. From 8am to 1am, joy and merriment grasped me tightly in its clutches. As you can guess, it was way awesome.

The rides I went on (in no particular order):

1. Splash Mountain
Sitting in our shared log before the ride began, my fellow adventurer Adam and I read a sign that ordered us: "Do Not Stand During Ride." I then proceeded to make the awesome joke of standing up in the log, leaning over, and saying," What's that sign say?" At that point, the ride started and knocked me on my ass. With jokes like these, I realize my father has influenced me far greater than I'll ever know.

2. Jungle Cruise
Unlike most rides at Disneyland, this one's guided by a real-life, flesh-and-blood human (AKA "feel-loves"). The Jungle Cruise tour guides are the best because they can crack wise-apples. Our morning tour guide was particularly hi-lar-i-ous. After the ride, he personally thanked me for my unabashed laughing. That's Disney magic for you!

3. Innoventions
At this technological exhibit, Adam and I got to see what our faces would look like... 50 years in the future! The result? Cranky!

4. Indiana Jones Adventure: Temple of the Hidden Eye
One of the few "thrill rides" on the Disneyland University campus, this li'l tiger packs all the punches of a real Indy movie. In fact, Adam earnestly ducked twice during this ride. I guess he thought a rock was gonna' hit his head. Little did he know that ol' Walt's ghost wasn't gonna' let that happen. Not this day.

I did not envision him as Indiana Jones.

5. The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh
We saw a group of raver kids in the line. They sure wear a lot of bracelets!

6. Pirates of the Caribbean
On our second journey of this swashbuckling ride, Adam and I (along with Chris - who gracefully joined us in the afternoon) noticed that someone stole a set of keys from the automatonic dog's mouth. Later, Chris and I determined - rightfully so - that possessing this set of keys in your apartment would be "really cool."

7. Big Thunder Mountain Railroad
It's like a rollercoaster... except tame and for 4 year-olds. In fact, the 4 year-old girl behind us was yawning through the whole thing. Afterwards, I asked her what she thought of the ride and she just shrugged and rolled her eyes. That's Gen-Xers for ya'!

8. Gadget's Go Coaster
A rollercoaster made for young'uns... that actually delivers the goods! Later, I asked the same 4 year-old girl what she thought of the ride and she gave me a big THUMBS UP. It turned out the baby was Roger Ebert (denim vest and all).

9. Mr. Toad's Wild Ride
You know what I want most out of a Disneyland ride? One that ends with you going to Hell. Yeah, I think that would be the best. Weird shit.

Why, I do say - that is some weird shit!

10. Haunted Mansion
In celebration of Christmas (which is not spelled with an "X!"), the Haunted Mansion was remodeled as Tim Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas (no "X!"). It was so scary that a baby cried. Fortunately, a WASP-y teenage girl overstepped her bounds as a citizen/human being/complete stranger and told the parents how to raise their child. It made us all feel uncomfortable.

11. Star Tours
Afterwards, as we exited the ride, Adam, Chris, and I spotted a Yoda figurine in the gift shop. At this point, Adam shared his best quip of the day: (in Yoda voice) "Short and boring - my ride was." Ha ha.

12. It's a Small World
The second ride remodeled in the X-mas spirit (rules were made to be broken). This is, I think, my favorite ride at the park. Being so, it deserves an entire blog entry to itself and I will not slander it with a mere summary. Cope, America.

13. Roger Rabbit's Car Toon Spin
Halfway through this dark-ride, a Disney employee reached out from the darkness and put their hand in front of our car's headlight. After a moment of sheer terror, however, I realized it was just Adam sticking his hand out in front of the car. Regardless, I still managed to scream like a prepubescent boy and punch Adam in the arm, squealing thatI hate him.

14. Matterhorn Bobsleds
The ride attendent offered us the opportunity to ride together as 2-and-1 (which would mean I'd sit tightly within the crotch of Chris or Adam). I honorably declined.

15. Autopia
Suck-ass.

Only 9 miles left until we reach Suck-ass! Wait. We're already here.

16. Snow White's Scary Adventures
The biggest scare of the day (excluding those admission prices!) was the evil witch spinning around and gettin'-all in my face. I was so scared, in fact, that Disneyland employees later had to use the wet-dry vac for where I sat. Apparently, I had spilled some sand on it.


Needless to say, the entire day was amazing.

Later that night, at 1am (after a very loooong day), Chris, Adam, and I boarded the tram to take us back to the parking lot. In a perfect moment, Chris sat down, sighed an exhausted sigh, and speaking in the third-person, said: "This is dad's favorite ride."

It certainly was, Chris. It... certainly... was.