Hey! I wanted to post about this before I forgot, but I a really, really funny thing happened to me today at the Burbank airport.

I was waiting for my duffel bag at the luggage carousel and because my bag is red, whenever I saw a piece of red luggage.... I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE!!!

"Boy, you sure have a dumb brain," I said to myself (probably).

I should clarify: I didn't think ever piece of red luggage was my red duffel bag. Just certain pieces of red luggage (especially if it resembled a duffel bag from far away).

Like I said, it was really funny! Hey, I gave you fair warning, didn't I?

Hey, Iowa City friends!

I'm coming back to Iowa for the holidays and this Friday, my band DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE will be playing in Iowa City. Here's the info:

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21
9:30PM
THE PICADOR (330 E. Washington St.)
(playing with The Puritanicals and The Brown Note)

Doors open at 9PM. We're the first to play. Please come out and enjoy the show (and maybe we can catch up afterwards?)

In addition to me, DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE features Mike Cassady (who also went to the University of Iowa) and the fantastic Joe Gallaro (as our IC replacement drummer). We're a piano-pop outfit and you can hear our songs on our myspace page:

www.myspace.com/dontstoporwelldie

Hope to see you there! Drop me a line if you plan on coming!

Hey, kids (between roughly the ages of 5 and 8)!

If you fall asleep on a long car trip (say, coming back from your grandma's house), but happen to wake up as your parents are parking the car in your driveway... here's a tip! Act like you're still asleep. That way, your dad will carry you from the car to the house and then your mom will tuck you into bed! You won't have to move a muscle!

(Plus, it's a gentle, reassuring reminder that your parents care for you)

The cool dudes at Metromix asked Neil Campbell and I to do their Ask a Comic this week. You can read it here.

KINDERGARTEN
When my name's called at role call, I hide underneath my desk and say, "Not here!" Class eats it up. Thank you.

FIRST GRADE
Above the drinking fountain, there's a Xerox-ed advertisement for Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, which the local movie theater has mysteriously taped to the wall. Weird? Not at all. It's called "viral marketing," folks!

SECOND GRADE
Teacher scolds me for misbehaving in class. I apologize by drawing her a picture of me crying. (This is basically how I apologize to people for the next 17 years)

THIRD GRADE
Teacher's son returns home from war in Iraq and visits our class to answer all our questions. Yes, he did know my friend Rick's sister in high school!

FOURTH GRADE
Female classmate brings father's nude playing cards to school and hides them in her locker. You can look at 'em, if you ask.

FIFTH GRADE
Dead bat found in aquarium.

SIXTH GRADE
Teacher always - always - says "approximate" when giving us the running times for videos we watch in class. Always. Weird.

SEVENTH GRADE
Over summer vacation, I enter puberty. I want my classmates (especially the girls) to know, but that's not something you can announce. Then on the first day of school, teacher says in front of entire class, "Paul, you look different." Yay, she did it for me!

EIGHTH GRADE
I return from Christmas break with a new haircut. It's one of those "Caesar cuts" like that guy from ER. I'm hot shit!

Sometimes I forget I'm living in Los Angeles...

The palm trees. The sunny skies. The ocean breeze.

I take them all for granted.

Then I see a bulldog riding shotgun in a convertible...


And I remember I'm living in Los Angeles.


Cherish these moments.

I bought a new car. I like it a lot, but the CD player doesn't work. It plays a song for about 30 seconds, then stops.

Tonight, I was driving in Los Angeles, listening to the song "Shady Lane" by Pavement. And a minute in, I realize, "Hey, the song's not stopping like it usually does. Yay!"

So, this is dumb, but I begin to reflect on the larger implications of my CD player (because I'm deep like that). Maybe - maaaaaaybe - this is a metaphor for LIFE?!! Y'know, you can get bummed out about stuff being sucky and not working out for you... and then out of nowhere, life surprises you and something goes your way. A SONG DOESN'T STOP PLAYING! And that's pretty cool. So maybe shit ain't so bad after all?

Then the song stops.

I was anticipating that, of course. As soon as I came up with the whole CD-player-as-metaphor-for-life thing, I instantly thought, "So if this song stops, I'm gonna' get bummed out because that's saying - what? - happiness is fleeting and it's our lot in life to be miserable and disappointed."

And guess what? When the song stopped, I got really really sad. Started welling up with tears? Weeeeeiiiiiiiird.

And then - woah! - the song starts up again. It's never done that before! Normally, the song stops, the CD player says "ERROR," and I switch to a radio station instead. So I'm genuinely, genuinely, genuinely surprised that the song resumed. Why were you almost crying, Paul? This is awesome.

Yay! Take that, metaphor! It's NOT our lot in life to be miserable and disappointed!


Then the song stops and the CD player says "ERROR."

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. I don't want to think about it anymore.


NOTE:
It wasn't until writing this blog that I realized the song "Shady Lane" is all about this sort of stuff. Except Pavement does it in a much better, more artful and affecting way. So listen to the song (it's really good and I linked to the video below) and enjoy it and have a nice day, okay?

Here's a little known fact about Steven Spielberg's 1991 film Hook:

It's the first movie in history that no one liked.

PAUL RUST'S GUIDE TO EASY LIVING
Installment #37: Purchasing Coca-Cola

1. Go to your local Albertson's grocery store. Walk, don't drive. After all, Albertson's is just around the corner. It's exercise for you and good for the environment!

2. Pick up a 12-pack of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style) and bring it to the register for purchase.

3. Listen to Albertson's cashier lady as she tells you: "If you buy 1 pack of Coke, you get 2 free." Consider how this is a deal you can't refuse.

4. Go back and grab 2 more 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic. IMPORTANT: Make sure to forget that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

5. Purchase 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style). As cashier lady rings you up, reflect on how Coca-Cola seems to put Santa Claus on their cans earlier and earlier with each passing year. Reflect only on that.

6. Watch Albertson's sacker put groceries in plastic bags. When sacker asks if you want your bags in a cart, then - and only then - let it dawn on you that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

7. Walk the 2 blocks back to you apartment while struggling to carry 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-style).

8. On your walk, attempt multiple, unsuccessful methods of carrying 3 12-packs at once (i.e. one pack in each hand and the third pack under your arm, two packs in one hand and the third pack in the other hand, one pack in one hand and two packs under your arm). Rotate between each method every 50 feet.

9. Get embarrassed when a woman walks by and laughs at how you (a grown man) is struggling to carry 3 12-packs of soda pop.

10. At long last, enter your home. Kick back, relax, and award yourself with a tall, cool glass of... Diet Rite?!! Oh, no! Back to Albertson's, I guess!***


***Step #10 was written by author O. Henry

I recently had the pleasure of being interviewed by Dean Ryan from Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly, the magazine completely devoted to the study and appreciation of tiny brown rowboats. Here's the interview in its entirety:

Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly (TBRM): Hey, Paul, thanks for sitting down for this interview.

Paul Rust (PR): The pleasure is all mine. I'm a huge fan of Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly. And obviously, tiny brown rowboats as objects.

TBRM: So, let's get right down to the "nuts and bolts," as they say: how long have you owned your tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Oh. I don't own a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: You... don't?

PR: Nope.

TBRM: But certainly, you owned a tiny brown rowboat at some point in your life?

PR: I have never once owned a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: Hmmm.

PR: Does that surprise you, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: I guess I'm just --- I'm shocked. I mean, it begs the question: why have you been reading Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly all these years if you yourself don't own a tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Do you read Newsweek, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything ---

PR: Do you OWN a "newsweek?"

TBRM: Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I ---

PR: Then why must I own a tiny brown rowboat to read Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly? Glass houses!

TBRM: You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, "Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I own a newsweek."

PR: You own a "newsweek." How is that even possible?

TBRM: What are you implying? That because I'm earning a journalist's wages, I can't afford to own my own "newsweek?"

PR: No, it's just that a "newsweek" doesn't even exist. It's not an object you could own.

TBRM: Really? Come with me. I want to show you something.

(PAUL RUST follows DEAN RYAN from TINY BROWN ROWBOAT MONTHLY as he walks to DEAN RYAN'S garage. DEAN RYAN opens his garage door)

(PAUL RUST gasps)

PR: Dear God!

TBRM: Now do you believe that a "newsweek" can exist?

PR: I do now!!!

TBRM: Good. May we continue with this interview?

PR: (really shaken up) Gladly. But just let me --- I'm so --- allow me to apologize. I'm sorry I doubted you about owning a "newsweek." Now that I see it... it's so... so... it's so obvious what a "newsweek" is and what it could be and I can't believe I ever doubted you.

TBRM: Water under the bridge, Mr. Rust.

PR: One more thing. And then we can continue with this interview.

TRBM: Go ahead.

PR: May I see your little brown rowboat?

TBRM: I don't own one. Never have.

PR: GEEZE, FOLKS!!! AIN'T THAT JUST THE WAY?!!!

I watched the movie Seven three times last night.

Now I'm old enough to drink!

Y'know, there's a BRAND-NEW song playing on the radio lately and it's got a line that goes something like this:

They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway.

Yeah. Okay. But you know what? Neon lights ALSO shine bright somewhere else...

Las Vegas!

Open up your eyes, America's songwriters! And get your facts straight!!!

Hey, y'all -

I'm in two bands. Click on the link to check out their MySpace pages.

THE GLASS BEEF
Charlyne Yi and I play genuine rock-n-roll. We have a show this Friday at the UCB Theatre where will be selling our new debut CD.

DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE
Michael Cassady, Harris Wittels, and I play epic pop. We recorded last week and our new page features some of the early mixes.

If you like what you hear, make these bands your MySpace friends and spread the word, please.

Thanks!

Hey, gimme a break, people! I'm trying real hard to learn how to play the trumpet!

Every morning, I wake up, crack my knuckles, take a seat on that stool... and start wailing on those beautiful 88 keys!

Wait a minute. 88 keys... alternating between black and white... makes a piano sound when I touch them...

Oh, no! For the past 7 years, I haven't been learning how to play the trumpet at all!

I've been learning how to play the... PIANO!!!

Oh, well! Back to the ol' drawing board!

(The ol' TRUMPET board, that is!)

Y'know, it's funny. I hear all this talk: "Will the Western ride again?"

Just a moment ago, I read a headline on IMDB.com and it asked: "Will the Western ride again?"

And my answer is this: Hey, we'll just have to wait and see how much money 3:10 to Yuma makes on its opening weekend!

Maybe through that, we'll be better suited to answer that question...

Will the Western ride again?

I'd just like to point out that right now (at age 26, in September 2007), I am at my most handsome.

The most handsome I've ever been in my whole life.

And although my face is certainly not the most handsome when compared to others' faces, it's definitely the most handsome when compared to my past faces.

And that's something I shouldn't be too shy to acknowledge about myself.

Self-esteem.

These were just announced. Seats may still be available. Hope you can make it out!

First episode of "Dumbshits"

So I was watching that Adam Sandler movie "Click" and I gotta' say: THAT ADAM SANDLER GUY IS A MAJOR JERK! Making a girl's boobs bounce in slow-motion? Pulling down a guy's pants in freeze-frame? VERY IMMATURE!!!

Did he learn nothing in "Billy Madison?" I recommend that Mr. Sandler go back to school and repeat grades one through twelve ALL OVER AGAIN! And this time around, DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! That means...

NO EATING PASTE!
NO THROWING BALLS AT LITTLE KIDS!
NO PUTTING FAKE LICE ON YOUR HEAD TO SCARE THE NURSE AND MAKE HER FAINT!

And if you succeed in completing all twelve grades again, maybe - JUST MAYBE - if you're acting nicely, I'll allow you to go out to the golf course and hit golf balls like they were hockey pucks!!!

Love,
Your Biggest Fan

The writers of "The Right Now! Show" made a video yesterday. Many have called it the greatest music video ever created.



Completely authorized by Queen and David Bowie.

Boy, I sure do use my debit card a lot!

If the world ever went back to cash or credit, I'd be like: "Hey, why'd we go back to cash and credit? Debit cards were working so well!"

I've thought about this for a long time (5 years now), but I've finally determined the worst ways you could die.

1. You're going down a playground slide and there's spikes at the bottom of the slide
2. You jump off a high board and there's spikes in the swimming pool
3. You go into an elevator and the ceiling lowers down and there's spikes on it
4. You get into a car accident and the airbag is spikes
5. You lay down in bed and spikes fall on you
6. A pair of glasses with spikes
7. A vest with spikes
8. Spikes
9. Spikes
10. A rollercoaster with spikes

Hey, everybody. Some exciting news has just been announced.

I've been hired as a writer and cast member on a new comedy show pilot for FOX known as "The Right Now! Show." I'll be working on it for the next month and a half, then taping it either Friday, Sept 14 or Monday, September 17 in Los Angeles. Once I get the definite date and info, I'll post it here, so if you're in town, you can come check it out.

This should be really fun. I get the pleasure and honor of working with some of the funniest, smartest, most original folks doing comedy. And if the show gets picked up to air (hopefully early 2008), I think you'll like it, too.

Bye-bye.

Hey, IMDB! What do you mean A Fine Mess doesn't have a trivia section?!


Some database you are!!!

Watch this video. And when it hits :32 seconds, prepare to give your computer a high-five!

Time to make my fantasy rock band!

Okay. First up. We need a drummer. Is there any doubt? Keith Moon! The Who's resident "wild"-man will surely be up to the task of keeping the beat... and definitely NOT keeping the peace. 1, 2, 3, 4! You're behind this fantasy band's drum kit, my man!

Next? The bassist. A bass guitar may only have four strings, but a master musician needs at least 8 fingers (or more) to play. So that's why I nominate Flea, the Red Hot Chili Peppers' resident "wild"-man to take on bassin' duties. Just promise me one thing, Flea? Never stop playin' the bass (even between each song).

Now who? Now who? Let me look here. Ah yes. The guitarist! Three words: Jimi, Jimi, Jimi. And no, it's not the Jimi you're thinking of. I'm talking about Jimi Hendrix! If he plays half as good as it looked like he did on that poster of my sister's in 1992, then we're in for a treat!

And finally, the lead vocalist. At the risk of sounding like a braggart, may I humbly suggest... Mick Jagger?! That's right. The Jag-uar. The only thing bigger than those famous lips? His hips. His wide, wide hips. The widest hips in all of rock, ladies and gentlemen. That's why his band was so frequently referred to as "The Rolling Stones and The Big, Baggy Jeans That Mick Jagger Has to Wear."

That's it. That's my fantasy rock band.

Oh, what's that? You want a name for this ultimate rock band?

Easy.

"The Blogspot Band," of course!

For a couple of years now, the right side of my car has been all smashed up.

Recently, while I was driving down Melrose Avenue, a guy pulled up to me and yelled out from his car window, "Hey, buddy! I can fix your car for $250!"

I politely declined and said, "No thanks."

To which he replied...

"Okay, okay. I'll do it for $500!"

Sir, you drive a hard bargain.

I love my parents!

Read about 'em and you, too, will fall in love!

My dad's been running a shoe repair store for 35 years!

My mom's a teacher and her students are in the National History Day competition!

When I was 13 years old, I really wanted to see Pulp Fiction, but since it was rated R, I wasn't allowed to. So instead, I got my fix through the bits and pieces I'd see in TV ads and clips on talk shows. And the part that I saw most of all was the Uma Thurman/John Travolta dance sequence.

And that was the one scene that everybody talked about. On and on and on. But I only got to see a brief part of it. So I'd imagine what the scene was like - what happened and how it began and end. How they danced and how it looked and all that. And in my mind, it was the best scene in film history.

But then about a year later, I finally saw the big scene and it was very, very, very underwhelming. Not that it could ever live up to my fantasy.

Anyway, I just got done watching Pulp Fiction and I saw that scene and it was awesome. Now I know what everyone was talking about!

THE SAME CAN'T BE SAID ABOUT THE FOOD FIGHT SCENE IN ANIMAL HOUSE!!!

Growing up, I heard so much about that goddamned food fight! How it was THE food fight scene to end all food fight scenes in film. I heard so much hype about it that when I'd watch other movies with food fight scenes, I'd think, "Well, that was awesome, but I bet the one in Animal House is mind-blowing!"

Then I finally saw it when I was 11 years old and holy shit, does it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. It lasts, like, maybe - and I'm being very generous here - 25 seconds. And then it's over. And it's only in one high-angle wide shot. So lame.

In fact, the first time I saw it, I was so disappointed that I had to lie to myself. "Well, it's on TBS. They HAD to cut it down. It's too intense for basic cable." I had to delude myself because I couldn't bear to think that I had been lied to all these years.

And then of course, later, I saw it on video. And it still sucked.

It's too bad. In my mind, it was an epic food fight. It lasted as long as 15 minutes. And there were multiple close-ups of people throwing food and ducking behind over-turned tables. And every character fought in the food fight with an entire cafeteria of food at their disposal. And oh, one character even developed a special high-tech food-fight gadget to throw food really quickly. And there was definitely a shot of John Belushi soaring through the air in slow-motion, chucking food at others below him.

But it's not like that. NOT AT ALL!

Dear Hollywood, when will you finally make this food fight scene?

Signed,
Paul Rust

My ranking of 2006 movies continues...

21. Neil Young: Heart of Gold
If tapping your foot wasn't a crime, I would have tapped my foot throughout this entire movie!

22. Scoop
Two SCOOPS of Woody Allen please!

What's that you say? You don't make Woody Allen Ice Cream? Doesn't exist? Hmmm. Then... I'll have some Cherry Nut Ice Cream. You say you just ran out. Well then... let's go with the, uhhhh... Rocky Road? You ATE all the Rocky Road?!! Well, this is perfect. Juuuuuust perfect. What's the name of this ice cream parlour anyway? You're kidding me... Woody Allen's Ice Cream Shop. AND IT ALL COMES TOGETHER!!!

23. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
1, 2... SWASH-buckle my shoe?!! You heard it here first, folks!

24. Little Man
THIS COULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!!

25. Rocky Balboa
Did you know that some professional boxers train by taking ballet lessons? Rocky Balboa doesn't, but some do. And not just boxers. All kinds of athletes. Basketball players. Football players. Baseball players. It helps them with their balance and strength and all that.

26. Strangers with Candy
Strangers with Candy? Or hardly working?!

27. Idiocracy
This movie should come with a warning: "NO DUMMIES ALLOWED!"

28. X-Men: The Last Stand
When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier's former ally, Magneto (McKellen).

29. Poseidon
Major misstep when the most likable character in the film (Kevin Dillon) was the first to die.

30. The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills may have eyes, but... I got ears! Cut down on the foul language!

31. A Scanner Darkly
They're making an underwater sequel (A Scanner Shark-ly), but not until they're done making a remake with an all-dog cast (A Scanner Bark-ly)... and a prequel featuring some chark (A Scanner Chark-ly).

32. This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Oh yes, it is! By me! D+!

33. The Da Vinci Code
Tom Hanks' worst film since The Risk Pool.

34. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Boring.

35.For Your Consideration
Beware Caddyshack 2 fans! This is not a sequel to your favorite movie! The title is spelled with a "For," not a "Fore." I found out the hard way (I went to a country club and asked the head caddy for one ticket to Fore Your Consideration and he - very confused - asked me to leave... golfing to the pros!)

36. Date Movie
Anything but! (It's got some really crude humor from time to time)

37. Firewall
For serious, this was the first time I saw an I-Pod in a movie.

38. Lady in the Water
A lady in the water?! Someone call Erin Brokovich! (Bow)

39. Basic Instinct 2
#1 Way to Feel Weird: Watch this in a movie theatre on a Sunday night.

40. Miami Vice
Out of all the movies I saw in 2006, I would definitely rank this at #40.

Well, it's early March, which means I'll do what most film critics in the country are doing right now... ranking their favorite movies of 2006!

1. The Departed
Our greatest living director leads a Dream Team ensemble of actors - and by "Dream Team," I mean a cast that most resembles the characters from 1989's The Dream Team.***

2. Mission: Impossible 3
Your mission. If you choose to accept it. Is to have a great time at the movies! Mission Impossible? Nay. Mission Very Possible!

3. Children of Men
Loved the movie, but I found some of their tie-in merchandise to be a little crass. Children of Men-tos?!!! Loved the candy, but c'mon, Hollywood, not everything is about the almighty dollar!!!

4. Final Destination 3
This was a fun night at the movies - even though I was uncomfortable that a 6 year-old girl sat behind me throughout this very violent, intense movie. I mean, I kept asking her to leave my living room, but she refused! Just kidding. This was at a movie theatre.

5. The Science of Sleep
If there was, in fact, a Science of Sleep... I would have definitely taken a course on it in college. Lord knows I slept through all my other classes!!! SNORE! SNORE! SCHOOL'S OUT, TEACHER!

6. V for Vendetta
The original title was DIAL V for Vendetta, but the filmmakers had to change it when people with the phone number "5" complained of receiving numerous prank phone calls. Rumor has it there hasn't been such a phone-number-related controversy this big in film since "867-5309 (Jenny): The Movie" and "The Spine Number on the Thriller Album: The Motion Picture."

7. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
VERY silly! And you know what? I don't think these clowns of the silver screen would have wanted it any other way!!!

8. The Black Dahlia
Hollywood's greatest unsolved crime! I'd ask OJ Simpson to get on the case and find the real killer, but he's probably too busy working on his golf swing (considering OJ's previous behavior and all).

9. Borat
Borat, I got one thing to say to you: "Oh, BEHAVE! Shag-a-delic!"

10. Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
I admit. These two fellas are funny, but I would not - WOULD NOT - want them as guests in my house!!! J.B would probably break everything!!!

11. The Pursuit of Happyness
Call me old-fashioned, but I wish that little boy was computer-animated.

12. Dreamgirls
Hollywood loves its crossovers, soooo... and I'm just thinking out loud here... Dreamgirls Meet the Stars of All-Star Wrestling (WWF)!!! It'd be like the show Celebrity Deathmatch that used to be on MTV.

13. Superman Returns
First, Batman Returns. Then, Superman Returns. What next? Spiderman 3?!!! (EDIT: I found out this is true. If you can believe it, Hollywood's coming out with a Spiderman 3... this very summer!!)

14. Little Miss Sunshine
If I was one of the judges in the beauty pageant, I wouldn't have voted for little Olive's "performance" either. God, if you can even call it a "peformance." This was a wonderful movie until it was marred by such a disastrous (and foolish) choice of music and dance. Olive had such a good shot at winning until she did that! I know she loved her grandpa, but she shouldn't have listened to his advice!!! Period!!!

15. The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Devil. D... E-V-I-L. DEVIL = "EVIL." Think about it.

16. The Queen
Hats off to the movie capturing the mood and times surrounding Princess Di's death... although I must admit I was a little disappointed that they didn't include a scene of how I first heard Princess Di had died (outside Cory Schmitz's house, after I got off work at Hy-Vee).

17. Nacho Libre
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but... I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT OLIVE'S PERFORMANCE IN LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!!! She could have won that beauty competition, but instead, she blew her chances with that tasteless dance! Whatever. I hope she feels okay about losing. There'll be other beauty pageants, I'm sure.

18. The Prestige
Hugh Jackman. Not only did you portray a wizard in this movie, but your performance itself was pure wizardry! Color me a muggle no more!

19. Monster House
A real estate agent's worst nightmare. (Just imagine a real estate agent trying to sell this house)

20. Hollywoodland
That's what Hollywood used to be called.


***Jack Nicholson is like Michael Keaton's character Billy Caufield (obviously). Leonardo DiCaprio IS - without question - Christopher Lloyd's Henry Sikorsky (think about it). Matt Damon and Stephen Furst's Albet Lanuzzi are the same person (literally). And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mark Wahlberg is similar to Peter Boyle's Jack McDermott (boy, I'm gonna' get a lot of letters on that one!).

List will continue in next entry...

Lately, I've been re-reading Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live and I came across this great quote from Steve Martin about Gilda Radner. It really sums up Radner's appeal and in general, defines a quality that all my favorite entertainers possess. Thought I'd share it with you:

And then there was Gilda, who was the sweetest, kindest, funniest person. She was so happy on-camera, she had such a happy face on-camera, you really did grow to love her. You understand what it means when people say they "love" a performer, because they're bringing such happiness into their world.

Don't ever start a sentence with "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." because 9 times out of 10, anybody who starts a sentence with that is in the wrong. Actually, no. 10 times out of 10. In fact, as soon as I hear "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." I've already decided that you - the person speaking - did something wrong. And I don't even have to hear the full story to know that you were wrong and in no way were you treated unfairly.

I'm not speaking to anyone directly here. I can't even recall anybody using this expression. But I sorta remember a middle-aged guy sulking outside a gas station in Iowa City and as customers entered, he'd stop them and say, "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not... I just wanted a cup of coffee and they threw me out!"

He didn't really say that. Not at all, to be honest. The only reason I remember him saying that is because that's what I EXPECTED him to say this when he stopped me from going into the gas station.

He stopped me to pitch a couple sketches to me. I was doing No Shame Theatre at the time and he had a couple ideas to bounce off of me. I only remember one. It was about a man and a woman in bed ("obviously post-coital," he said) and their talking about each other's orgasms. The woman's angry at the man about his orgasm (why?), so he says, "Hey, I don't complain about your little amusement park you got goin' there." And she - INSULTED! - goes, "My amusement park?! What do you mean, my amusement park?!!!"

Uhhhhh... that's an awesome sketch.

And even though he never said "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." he did say, "obviously post-coital," which my friends and I still quote to this day.