Don't ever start a sentence with "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." because 9 times out of 10, anybody who starts a sentence with that is in the wrong. Actually, no. 10 times out of 10. In fact, as soon as I hear "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." I've already decided that you - the person speaking - did something wrong. And I don't even have to hear the full story to know that you were wrong and in no way were you treated unfairly.

I'm not speaking to anyone directly here. I can't even recall anybody using this expression. But I sorta remember a middle-aged guy sulking outside a gas station in Iowa City and as customers entered, he'd stop them and say, "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not... I just wanted a cup of coffee and they threw me out!"

He didn't really say that. Not at all, to be honest. The only reason I remember him saying that is because that's what I EXPECTED him to say this when he stopped me from going into the gas station.

He stopped me to pitch a couple sketches to me. I was doing No Shame Theatre at the time and he had a couple ideas to bounce off of me. I only remember one. It was about a man and a woman in bed ("obviously post-coital," he said) and their talking about each other's orgasms. The woman's angry at the man about his orgasm (why?), so he says, "Hey, I don't complain about your little amusement park you got goin' there." And she - INSULTED! - goes, "My amusement park?! What do you mean, my amusement park?!!!"

Uhhhhh... that's an awesome sketch.

And even though he never said "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." he did say, "obviously post-coital," which my friends and I still quote to this day.