Hi!

Last week, I received some exciting news about a role in a movie. And today, it was officially announced in Variety.

You can read about it online here.

Next Monday, I leave for Vancouver - where I'll be shooting until the end of May. I'm really excited!

If you'd like, you can catch me in a couple shows before I leave LA:

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL (long-form improv)
Friday, February 29 - 11pm
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Ave - Los Angeles)

NOT TOO SHABBY
Friday, February 29 - midnight
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Ave - Los Angeles)

Thanks,
paul

Did you hear the latest entertainment news? The San Diego Zoo bought the rights to all of Clint Eastwood's movies (just the ones he starred in).

Now they're remaking each and every one... with their own San Diego Zoo-style twist!

Here's a list of all the San Diego Zoo's upcoming Clint Eastwood remakes:

1. A Fistful of Dollars = A Fistful of Dolphins
2. For a Few Dollars More = For a Few Dolphins More
3. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly = The Good, The Bat, and the Ugly
4. Paint Your Wagon = Paint Your Waggin' Tail
5. Play Misty for Me = Play Misty for Me-erkat
6. Dirty Harry = Dirty HAIRy
7. High Plains Drifter = High Plains Dragon (note: they now have dragons at the zoo)
8. Magnum Force = Magnum Four-ce (note: because animals often have 4 legs)
9. Thunderbolt and Lightfoot = Tiger-bear and Lice-fox
10. The Outlaw Josey Wales = The Outlaw Josey WHales
11. The Enforcer = The En-FOUR-cer (note: again, animals have 4 legs)
12. The Gauntlet = The Gaunt-lettuce (note: turtles eat lettuce)
13. Any Which Way But Loose = Any Which Way But Goose
14. Escape from Alcatraz = Escape from Al-CAT-raz
15. Bronco Billy = Bronco (Like, A Horse) Billy
16. Any Which Way You Can = Any Which Way You Tou-can
17. Firefox = Fire-hippo
18. Honkytonk Man = Honkytonk Man-atee
19. Sudden Impact = Sudden Impact: This Time, The Detective is a Cheetah
20. Tightrope = Tig(er)htrope
21. Two Mules for Sister Sara = Two Saras for Sister Mule
22. City Heat = Horsey Heat
23. Pale Rider = Pail Rider
24. Heartbreak Ridge = Heart-beak Ridge
25. The Dead Pool = The Dread Pool (note: an elephant has never had dreadlocks)
26. Pink Cadillac = Pink Caddyshack
27. White Hunter Black Heart = White Horse Black Horse is a Zebra
28. The Rookie = The Cookie
29. Unforgiven = UnFOURgiven (note: animals still often have four legs)
30. In the Line of Fire = In the Lion of Walrus
31. A Perfect World = A Purrrr-fect Kitty
32. The Bridges of Madison County = The Bridges of Madison Bloom County Characters
33. Absolute Power = Absolut Vodka Has Probably Featured an Animal in Their Ads Before, I Bet
34. True Crime = True Donkey
35. Space Cowboys = Young Guns 2
36. Blood Work = Blood Work
37. Million Dollar Baby = Million Dolphin Baby

I won't be able to see any of these movies because they're rated R and mommy won't allow me to see them.

When I was 9 years old, a friend of mine and I were watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade at his house. Halfway into the movie, my friend's mom came into the living room and started watching it with us.

She had never seen it before, so without describing the end of the film, we warned her that it contained a scene she might not want to stick around and watch (referring to the scary climax when the villain drinks from the wrong cup and rapidly turns into a corpse).

And she goes, "Why? Is there nudity?"

WHAT?!

I ask you: What grown woman thinks an Indiana Jones movie would end with nudity?

I am VERY curious what sort of scenario she cooked up that could justify nudity in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Maybe she thought after finding the Holy Grail, Indiana Jones travels to a nearby high school, disguises himself as a female gym teacher and watches some girls shower? Or maybe before getting on his horse to ride of onto the sunset in the final shot, Indiana Jones turns to the camera and moons the audience?

Or shows his penis to the audience?

"One last peek before I go," Indiana Jones would say to camera, winking and smiling.

Needless to say, my fingers are crossed that my friend's mom did some uncredited script-doctoring on the forthcoming Indiana Jones 4 and that it will indeed end with an extreme close-up of Indiana Jones' genitals.

2007: A Survey For The New Millenium!

This is the fourth year of me doing this survey. Let's go!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I ran a marathon. I bought clothes in Los Angeles. I put contact lenses into my eyes.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
For 2007, I didn't have any new year's resolutions, so there was nothing to keep. For 2008? Since new year's resolutions are opportunities to improve oneself and become a better person, I resolve to... make more funny videos and put 'em on the internet!!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Lots and lots and lots. There must have been something in the water! (NOTE: I checked with the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power and apparently, they dispensed a large percentage of liquid known as "HORNY WATER")

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Fortunately, no. And don't get any big ideas for 2008, Mr. Brooks!

5. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Consistency

6. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory?
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
For the first time, I made a living from writing/performing

8. What was your biggest failure?
Taking that wrong turn in the marathon and shaving off 4 miles from my run. Months of training with no feeling of completion.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness? No. Injury? Nuh-uh. But was I in a jury? NO WAY!

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The cast of Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986)

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The cast of Biloxi Blues (1988)

12. Where did most of your money go?
I bought a car.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing and performing

14. What song will always remind you of 2007?
You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb (Spoon)

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier!
b) thinner or fatter?
The same.
c) richer or poorer?
"I have more money than last year" is probably a better way of putting it

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Celebratin'!

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Mopin'!

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Hung out with my family in LeMars, Iowa

19. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No

21. What was your favorite TV program?
I got into The Larry Sanders Show this year

22. What was the best book you read?
Born Standing Up by Steve Martin

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing Changes Around Here (The Thrills)


24. What did you want and get?
Good friends! Good times! Good health!

25. What did you want and not get?
A special pair of gloves that can change the color of a room (according to how many times I slap my hands together)

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
There Will Be Blood

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My friends and I watched Rookie of the Year, ate yummy food, and played a game where you had to guess what movie plot a person was pantomiming (Mookie's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo was a highlight). I turned 26.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Geeze Louise! I already said "consistency!"

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Li'l Scamp

30. What kept you sane?
I have friends who are compassionate, funny, and kind

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Frivilous lawsuits! They're making a mockery of our legal system! Last time I checked, coffee at McDonald's was supposed to be hot, people!

32. Who did you miss?
My family

33. Who was the best new person you met?
Zoe

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration" (Steve Martin)

Hey! I wanted to post about this before I forgot, but I a really, really funny thing happened to me today at the Burbank airport.

I was waiting for my duffel bag at the luggage carousel and because my bag is red, whenever I saw a piece of red luggage.... I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE!!!

"Boy, you sure have a dumb brain," I said to myself (probably).

I should clarify: I didn't think ever piece of red luggage was my red duffel bag. Just certain pieces of red luggage (especially if it resembled a duffel bag from far away).

Like I said, it was really funny! Hey, I gave you fair warning, didn't I?

Hey, Iowa City friends!

I'm coming back to Iowa for the holidays and this Friday, my band DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE will be playing in Iowa City. Here's the info:

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21
9:30PM
THE PICADOR (330 E. Washington St.)
(playing with The Puritanicals and The Brown Note)

Doors open at 9PM. We're the first to play. Please come out and enjoy the show (and maybe we can catch up afterwards?)

In addition to me, DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE features Mike Cassady (who also went to the University of Iowa) and the fantastic Joe Gallaro (as our IC replacement drummer). We're a piano-pop outfit and you can hear our songs on our myspace page:

www.myspace.com/dontstoporwelldie

Hope to see you there! Drop me a line if you plan on coming!

Hey, kids (between roughly the ages of 5 and 8)!

If you fall asleep on a long car trip (say, coming back from your grandma's house), but happen to wake up as your parents are parking the car in your driveway... here's a tip! Act like you're still asleep. That way, your dad will carry you from the car to the house and then your mom will tuck you into bed! You won't have to move a muscle!

(Plus, it's a gentle, reassuring reminder that your parents care for you)

The cool dudes at Metromix asked Neil Campbell and I to do their Ask a Comic this week. You can read it here.

KINDERGARTEN
When my name's called at role call, I hide underneath my desk and say, "Not here!" Class eats it up. Thank you.

FIRST GRADE
Above the drinking fountain, there's a Xerox-ed advertisement for Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, which the local movie theater has mysteriously taped to the wall. Weird? Not at all. It's called "viral marketing," folks!

SECOND GRADE
Teacher scolds me for misbehaving in class. I apologize by drawing her a picture of me crying. (This is basically how I apologize to people for the next 17 years)

THIRD GRADE
Teacher's son returns home from war in Iraq and visits our class to answer all our questions. Yes, he did know my friend Rick's sister in high school!

FOURTH GRADE
Female classmate brings father's nude playing cards to school and hides them in her locker. You can look at 'em, if you ask.

FIFTH GRADE
Dead bat found in aquarium.

SIXTH GRADE
Teacher always - always - says "approximate" when giving us the running times for videos we watch in class. Always. Weird.

SEVENTH GRADE
Over summer vacation, I enter puberty. I want my classmates (especially the girls) to know, but that's not something you can announce. Then on the first day of school, teacher says in front of entire class, "Paul, you look different." Yay, she did it for me!

EIGHTH GRADE
I return from Christmas break with a new haircut. It's one of those "Caesar cuts" like that guy from ER. I'm hot shit!

Sometimes I forget I'm living in Los Angeles...

The palm trees. The sunny skies. The ocean breeze.

I take them all for granted.

Then I see a bulldog riding shotgun in a convertible...


And I remember I'm living in Los Angeles.


Cherish these moments.

I bought a new car. I like it a lot, but the CD player doesn't work. It plays a song for about 30 seconds, then stops.

Tonight, I was driving in Los Angeles, listening to the song "Shady Lane" by Pavement. And a minute in, I realize, "Hey, the song's not stopping like it usually does. Yay!"

So, this is dumb, but I begin to reflect on the larger implications of my CD player (because I'm deep like that). Maybe - maaaaaaybe - this is a metaphor for LIFE?!! Y'know, you can get bummed out about stuff being sucky and not working out for you... and then out of nowhere, life surprises you and something goes your way. A SONG DOESN'T STOP PLAYING! And that's pretty cool. So maybe shit ain't so bad after all?

Then the song stops.

I was anticipating that, of course. As soon as I came up with the whole CD-player-as-metaphor-for-life thing, I instantly thought, "So if this song stops, I'm gonna' get bummed out because that's saying - what? - happiness is fleeting and it's our lot in life to be miserable and disappointed."

And guess what? When the song stopped, I got really really sad. Started welling up with tears? Weeeeeiiiiiiiird.

And then - woah! - the song starts up again. It's never done that before! Normally, the song stops, the CD player says "ERROR," and I switch to a radio station instead. So I'm genuinely, genuinely, genuinely surprised that the song resumed. Why were you almost crying, Paul? This is awesome.

Yay! Take that, metaphor! It's NOT our lot in life to be miserable and disappointed!


Then the song stops and the CD player says "ERROR."

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. I don't want to think about it anymore.


NOTE:
It wasn't until writing this blog that I realized the song "Shady Lane" is all about this sort of stuff. Except Pavement does it in a much better, more artful and affecting way. So listen to the song (it's really good and I linked to the video below) and enjoy it and have a nice day, okay?

Here's a little known fact about Steven Spielberg's 1991 film Hook:

It's the first movie in history that no one liked.

PAUL RUST'S GUIDE TO EASY LIVING
Installment #37: Purchasing Coca-Cola

1. Go to your local Albertson's grocery store. Walk, don't drive. After all, Albertson's is just around the corner. It's exercise for you and good for the environment!

2. Pick up a 12-pack of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style) and bring it to the register for purchase.

3. Listen to Albertson's cashier lady as she tells you: "If you buy 1 pack of Coke, you get 2 free." Consider how this is a deal you can't refuse.

4. Go back and grab 2 more 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic. IMPORTANT: Make sure to forget that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

5. Purchase 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style). As cashier lady rings you up, reflect on how Coca-Cola seems to put Santa Claus on their cans earlier and earlier with each passing year. Reflect only on that.

6. Watch Albertson's sacker put groceries in plastic bags. When sacker asks if you want your bags in a cart, then - and only then - let it dawn on you that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

7. Walk the 2 blocks back to you apartment while struggling to carry 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-style).

8. On your walk, attempt multiple, unsuccessful methods of carrying 3 12-packs at once (i.e. one pack in each hand and the third pack under your arm, two packs in one hand and the third pack in the other hand, one pack in one hand and two packs under your arm). Rotate between each method every 50 feet.

9. Get embarrassed when a woman walks by and laughs at how you (a grown man) is struggling to carry 3 12-packs of soda pop.

10. At long last, enter your home. Kick back, relax, and award yourself with a tall, cool glass of... Diet Rite?!! Oh, no! Back to Albertson's, I guess!***


***Step #10 was written by author O. Henry

I recently had the pleasure of being interviewed by Dean Ryan from Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly, the magazine completely devoted to the study and appreciation of tiny brown rowboats. Here's the interview in its entirety:

Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly (TBRM): Hey, Paul, thanks for sitting down for this interview.

Paul Rust (PR): The pleasure is all mine. I'm a huge fan of Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly. And obviously, tiny brown rowboats as objects.

TBRM: So, let's get right down to the "nuts and bolts," as they say: how long have you owned your tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Oh. I don't own a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: You... don't?

PR: Nope.

TBRM: But certainly, you owned a tiny brown rowboat at some point in your life?

PR: I have never once owned a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: Hmmm.

PR: Does that surprise you, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: I guess I'm just --- I'm shocked. I mean, it begs the question: why have you been reading Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly all these years if you yourself don't own a tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Do you read Newsweek, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything ---

PR: Do you OWN a "newsweek?"

TBRM: Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I ---

PR: Then why must I own a tiny brown rowboat to read Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly? Glass houses!

TBRM: You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, "Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I own a newsweek."

PR: You own a "newsweek." How is that even possible?

TBRM: What are you implying? That because I'm earning a journalist's wages, I can't afford to own my own "newsweek?"

PR: No, it's just that a "newsweek" doesn't even exist. It's not an object you could own.

TBRM: Really? Come with me. I want to show you something.

(PAUL RUST follows DEAN RYAN from TINY BROWN ROWBOAT MONTHLY as he walks to DEAN RYAN'S garage. DEAN RYAN opens his garage door)

(PAUL RUST gasps)

PR: Dear God!

TBRM: Now do you believe that a "newsweek" can exist?

PR: I do now!!!

TBRM: Good. May we continue with this interview?

PR: (really shaken up) Gladly. But just let me --- I'm so --- allow me to apologize. I'm sorry I doubted you about owning a "newsweek." Now that I see it... it's so... so... it's so obvious what a "newsweek" is and what it could be and I can't believe I ever doubted you.

TBRM: Water under the bridge, Mr. Rust.

PR: One more thing. And then we can continue with this interview.

TRBM: Go ahead.

PR: May I see your little brown rowboat?

TBRM: I don't own one. Never have.

PR: GEEZE, FOLKS!!! AIN'T THAT JUST THE WAY?!!!

I watched the movie Seven three times last night.

Now I'm old enough to drink!

Y'know, there's a BRAND-NEW song playing on the radio lately and it's got a line that goes something like this:

They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway.

Yeah. Okay. But you know what? Neon lights ALSO shine bright somewhere else...

Las Vegas!

Open up your eyes, America's songwriters! And get your facts straight!!!

Hey, y'all -

I'm in two bands. Click on the link to check out their MySpace pages.

THE GLASS BEEF
Charlyne Yi and I play genuine rock-n-roll. We have a show this Friday at the UCB Theatre where will be selling our new debut CD.

DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE
Michael Cassady, Harris Wittels, and I play epic pop. We recorded last week and our new page features some of the early mixes.

If you like what you hear, make these bands your MySpace friends and spread the word, please.

Thanks!

Hey, gimme a break, people! I'm trying real hard to learn how to play the trumpet!

Every morning, I wake up, crack my knuckles, take a seat on that stool... and start wailing on those beautiful 88 keys!

Wait a minute. 88 keys... alternating between black and white... makes a piano sound when I touch them...

Oh, no! For the past 7 years, I haven't been learning how to play the trumpet at all!

I've been learning how to play the... PIANO!!!

Oh, well! Back to the ol' drawing board!

(The ol' TRUMPET board, that is!)

Y'know, it's funny. I hear all this talk: "Will the Western ride again?"

Just a moment ago, I read a headline on IMDB.com and it asked: "Will the Western ride again?"

And my answer is this: Hey, we'll just have to wait and see how much money 3:10 to Yuma makes on its opening weekend!

Maybe through that, we'll be better suited to answer that question...

Will the Western ride again?

I'd just like to point out that right now (at age 26, in September 2007), I am at my most handsome.

The most handsome I've ever been in my whole life.

And although my face is certainly not the most handsome when compared to others' faces, it's definitely the most handsome when compared to my past faces.

And that's something I shouldn't be too shy to acknowledge about myself.

Self-esteem.