HOW YOU CELEBRATE THE 4TH OF JULY



Since you attended the crown-jewel of LeMars' Ice Cream Days festival (the fireworks extravaganza "Skyshow 2004" at the Plymouth County Fairgrounds), you already know that...

The magnificence began with a "moment of silence for those in the military." This "moment of silence" included a recorded rendition of Taps (featuring inserted jet noises) and loud firework explosions. It was so loud that I almost couldn't hear the moment of silence.

You also already know that my friends and I brought self-made signs to celebrate Sky-show 2004. This year's signs featured such time-worn patriotic phrases as: "Boom!", "We Did It!", "U.S.," "America Wins," "Firecrackers!," and my personal favorite - "The American Flag."

Finally, you also know that we sat there, cheering and hootin' and hollerin'. And behind me in the grandstands, I hear someone else - a woman also cheering along. And I think, "Wow. That's cool. Somebody else is getting excited for this just as much as we are." And then I look behind me and see that it's a 12 year-old girl who is mentally retarded.

Huh.


HOW YOU CELEBRATE LIFE



First of all, before you read this, don't think this next thought has been influenced by any recent event. Often times, "bloggers" tend to write about "girl problems" when "bloggers" are having "girl problems." However, right now - single and at-peace in LeMars - I am not a "blogger" having "girl problems." Nevertheless, a thought occurred to me a couple days ago...

For me, the only times that a dating relationship has been successful and long-standing was when the girl initiated the courting. Even though I may have been secretly attracted to the girl, she was the first to confess it and take action. However, all the times I've been the one to initiate a dating relationship with a girl... it has been extremely short-lived, disastrous, and more often than not, humiliating.

Of course, this discovery (which has surprisingly taken me too long to figure out) leads to numerous points regarding myself and dating. Some of them are debatable, but there is one unquestonalable fact: I need to keep my goddamn mouth shut.


HOW YOU CELEBRATE TODAY

Think about fireworks. Avoid thinking about how this discovery takes you one step closer to being a cold, detached man.