Long live paying-for-one-movie-but-sneaking-into-another! Snobs should no longer bemoan the existence of multiplexes. I'd like to see movie-sneakin' happen in your old-timey movie theatre, Leonard Maltin!

Here is my history of cinematic duck-and-thievery. Since art can only be viewed as a competitive sport, I've decided to pit each movie against each other.

1. February 2003 (Sycamore Mall):
PAID FOR: "Old School"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Shanghai Knights"

A Wilson Brothers Extravaganza! "Old School" beats "Shanghai Knights" by a nose. Close call though. After all, "Old School" didn't contain the immortal phrase: "ass soup" (as in "I hear London is ass-soup.")

2. June 2003
PAID FOR: "Bruce Almighty"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Hulk"

Both sucked. Hard. "Bruce Almighty" wins - only because I didn't have high enough expectations for it to disappoint me and piss me off. "Hulk" also loses points for breaking an 8-movie streak where a movie made my cry in the theatre. But, Paul, didn't you see "Bruce Almighty" before "Hulk?" Yes. So, "Bruce Almighty" made you cry? ... Yes.


3. November 2003
PAID FOR: "Matrix Revolutions"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Elf"

"Elf" crosses the finish line while "Matrix Revolutions" is still getting dropped off at the track by his father (Dad got visitation rights that weekend). I could give a more detailed explanation as to why, but basically: "Matrix Revolutions" made me hate the world and "Elf" made me love it - at a time when I really wanted to love the world (and not hate it). More movies need to make me love the world.


4. May 2004
PAID FOR: "Troy"
VS.
SNUCK INTO: "Mean Girls"

"Mean Girls" wins, but it should be mentioned, however: "Troy" was much better than I had anticipated and "Mean Girls" was too sloppy to be great. Film comedy (especially satire) requires precision, fellers. Why are so many contemporary comedies so flabby? I long for the days when comic directors were careful in their craft and treated the genre with the same sophistication as directors do with dramas (talkin' to you, Billy Wilder and Hal Ashby - they frequent my blog). Nowadays, you can only find it in folks like Wes Anderson and Alexander Payne.


Goodbye, Mello-Yello.