My ranking of 2006 movies continues...

21. Neil Young: Heart of Gold
If tapping your foot wasn't a crime, I would have tapped my foot throughout this entire movie!

22. Scoop
Two SCOOPS of Woody Allen please!

What's that you say? You don't make Woody Allen Ice Cream? Doesn't exist? Hmmm. Then... I'll have some Cherry Nut Ice Cream. You say you just ran out. Well then... let's go with the, uhhhh... Rocky Road? You ATE all the Rocky Road?!! Well, this is perfect. Juuuuuust perfect. What's the name of this ice cream parlour anyway? You're kidding me... Woody Allen's Ice Cream Shop. AND IT ALL COMES TOGETHER!!!

23. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
1, 2... SWASH-buckle my shoe?!! You heard it here first, folks!

24. Little Man
THIS COULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!!

25. Rocky Balboa
Did you know that some professional boxers train by taking ballet lessons? Rocky Balboa doesn't, but some do. And not just boxers. All kinds of athletes. Basketball players. Football players. Baseball players. It helps them with their balance and strength and all that.

26. Strangers with Candy
Strangers with Candy? Or hardly working?!

27. Idiocracy
This movie should come with a warning: "NO DUMMIES ALLOWED!"

28. X-Men: The Last Stand
When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier's former ally, Magneto (McKellen).

29. Poseidon
Major misstep when the most likable character in the film (Kevin Dillon) was the first to die.

30. The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills may have eyes, but... I got ears! Cut down on the foul language!

31. A Scanner Darkly
They're making an underwater sequel (A Scanner Shark-ly), but not until they're done making a remake with an all-dog cast (A Scanner Bark-ly)... and a prequel featuring some chark (A Scanner Chark-ly).

32. This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Oh yes, it is! By me! D+!

33. The Da Vinci Code
Tom Hanks' worst film since The Risk Pool.

34. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Boring.

35.For Your Consideration
Beware Caddyshack 2 fans! This is not a sequel to your favorite movie! The title is spelled with a "For," not a "Fore." I found out the hard way (I went to a country club and asked the head caddy for one ticket to Fore Your Consideration and he - very confused - asked me to leave... golfing to the pros!)

36. Date Movie
Anything but! (It's got some really crude humor from time to time)

37. Firewall
For serious, this was the first time I saw an I-Pod in a movie.

38. Lady in the Water
A lady in the water?! Someone call Erin Brokovich! (Bow)

39. Basic Instinct 2
#1 Way to Feel Weird: Watch this in a movie theatre on a Sunday night.

40. Miami Vice
Out of all the movies I saw in 2006, I would definitely rank this at #40.

Well, it's early March, which means I'll do what most film critics in the country are doing right now... ranking their favorite movies of 2006!

1. The Departed
Our greatest living director leads a Dream Team ensemble of actors - and by "Dream Team," I mean a cast that most resembles the characters from 1989's The Dream Team.***

2. Mission: Impossible 3
Your mission. If you choose to accept it. Is to have a great time at the movies! Mission Impossible? Nay. Mission Very Possible!

3. Children of Men
Loved the movie, but I found some of their tie-in merchandise to be a little crass. Children of Men-tos?!!! Loved the candy, but c'mon, Hollywood, not everything is about the almighty dollar!!!

4. Final Destination 3
This was a fun night at the movies - even though I was uncomfortable that a 6 year-old girl sat behind me throughout this very violent, intense movie. I mean, I kept asking her to leave my living room, but she refused! Just kidding. This was at a movie theatre.

5. The Science of Sleep
If there was, in fact, a Science of Sleep... I would have definitely taken a course on it in college. Lord knows I slept through all my other classes!!! SNORE! SNORE! SCHOOL'S OUT, TEACHER!

6. V for Vendetta
The original title was DIAL V for Vendetta, but the filmmakers had to change it when people with the phone number "5" complained of receiving numerous prank phone calls. Rumor has it there hasn't been such a phone-number-related controversy this big in film since "867-5309 (Jenny): The Movie" and "The Spine Number on the Thriller Album: The Motion Picture."

7. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
VERY silly! And you know what? I don't think these clowns of the silver screen would have wanted it any other way!!!

8. The Black Dahlia
Hollywood's greatest unsolved crime! I'd ask OJ Simpson to get on the case and find the real killer, but he's probably too busy working on his golf swing (considering OJ's previous behavior and all).

9. Borat
Borat, I got one thing to say to you: "Oh, BEHAVE! Shag-a-delic!"

10. Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
I admit. These two fellas are funny, but I would not - WOULD NOT - want them as guests in my house!!! J.B would probably break everything!!!

11. The Pursuit of Happyness
Call me old-fashioned, but I wish that little boy was computer-animated.

12. Dreamgirls
Hollywood loves its crossovers, soooo... and I'm just thinking out loud here... Dreamgirls Meet the Stars of All-Star Wrestling (WWF)!!! It'd be like the show Celebrity Deathmatch that used to be on MTV.

13. Superman Returns
First, Batman Returns. Then, Superman Returns. What next? Spiderman 3?!!! (EDIT: I found out this is true. If you can believe it, Hollywood's coming out with a Spiderman 3... this very summer!!)

14. Little Miss Sunshine
If I was one of the judges in the beauty pageant, I wouldn't have voted for little Olive's "performance" either. God, if you can even call it a "peformance." This was a wonderful movie until it was marred by such a disastrous (and foolish) choice of music and dance. Olive had such a good shot at winning until she did that! I know she loved her grandpa, but she shouldn't have listened to his advice!!! Period!!!

15. The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Devil. D... E-V-I-L. DEVIL = "EVIL." Think about it.

16. The Queen
Hats off to the movie capturing the mood and times surrounding Princess Di's death... although I must admit I was a little disappointed that they didn't include a scene of how I first heard Princess Di had died (outside Cory Schmitz's house, after I got off work at Hy-Vee).

17. Nacho Libre
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but... I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT OLIVE'S PERFORMANCE IN LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!!! She could have won that beauty competition, but instead, she blew her chances with that tasteless dance! Whatever. I hope she feels okay about losing. There'll be other beauty pageants, I'm sure.

18. The Prestige
Hugh Jackman. Not only did you portray a wizard in this movie, but your performance itself was pure wizardry! Color me a muggle no more!

19. Monster House
A real estate agent's worst nightmare. (Just imagine a real estate agent trying to sell this house)

20. Hollywoodland
That's what Hollywood used to be called.


***Jack Nicholson is like Michael Keaton's character Billy Caufield (obviously). Leonardo DiCaprio IS - without question - Christopher Lloyd's Henry Sikorsky (think about it). Matt Damon and Stephen Furst's Albet Lanuzzi are the same person (literally). And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mark Wahlberg is similar to Peter Boyle's Jack McDermott (boy, I'm gonna' get a lot of letters on that one!).

List will continue in next entry...

Lately, I've been re-reading Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live and I came across this great quote from Steve Martin about Gilda Radner. It really sums up Radner's appeal and in general, defines a quality that all my favorite entertainers possess. Thought I'd share it with you:

And then there was Gilda, who was the sweetest, kindest, funniest person. She was so happy on-camera, she had such a happy face on-camera, you really did grow to love her. You understand what it means when people say they "love" a performer, because they're bringing such happiness into their world.

Don't ever start a sentence with "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." because 9 times out of 10, anybody who starts a sentence with that is in the wrong. Actually, no. 10 times out of 10. In fact, as soon as I hear "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." I've already decided that you - the person speaking - did something wrong. And I don't even have to hear the full story to know that you were wrong and in no way were you treated unfairly.

I'm not speaking to anyone directly here. I can't even recall anybody using this expression. But I sorta remember a middle-aged guy sulking outside a gas station in Iowa City and as customers entered, he'd stop them and say, "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not... I just wanted a cup of coffee and they threw me out!"

He didn't really say that. Not at all, to be honest. The only reason I remember him saying that is because that's what I EXPECTED him to say this when he stopped me from going into the gas station.

He stopped me to pitch a couple sketches to me. I was doing No Shame Theatre at the time and he had a couple ideas to bounce off of me. I only remember one. It was about a man and a woman in bed ("obviously post-coital," he said) and their talking about each other's orgasms. The woman's angry at the man about his orgasm (why?), so he says, "Hey, I don't complain about your little amusement park you got goin' there." And she - INSULTED! - goes, "My amusement park?! What do you mean, my amusement park?!!!"

Uhhhhh... that's an awesome sketch.

And even though he never said "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." he did say, "obviously post-coital," which my friends and I still quote to this day.

2006: A Survey For The New Millenium!

Third year of me doing this survey. Off we go!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I snowboarded. The first two days were really tough, but the last two days were super-fun. This was back in January 2006 and I told myself, "See, Paul, it's good to try new things. Keep it up." It's now December 2006 and snowboarding has remained the only "new thing" I've tried all year. Oh, well. Snowboarding was fun.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I guess "trying new things" was sort of 2006's New Year's Resolution, so... no, I didn't keep that. My resolution for 2007? MORE SNOWBOARDING!!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year (psssst - I'm murdering all my friends and loved ones)

5. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (21 dollar signs)

6. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory?
April 14, 2006

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Neil and I selling show ideas

8. What was your biggest failure?
Neil and I not getting into the Aspen Comedy Festival.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yet another clean bill of health. My secret? Eating a lot of food that's bad for you and rarely exercising.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Earth, Fire, Water, all my Wiccan brothers and sisters

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Air. Sometimes I wonder why we even praise you every fortnight!

12. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. Not the Broadway musical, but for my apartment... which is located directly underneath the stage for "Rent," the Broadway musical.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing and performing

14. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Common People" by Pulp

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier! Paul Rust: Increasingly Happier Since 2000.
b) thinner or fatter?
The same.
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer! Paul Rust: Increasingly Poorer Since 2004.

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Practicing my magic skills, so I can become a more responsible magician (particularly my skills at making audience volunteers disappear)

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sending that small child to Magic Land: Level 7 and not being able to bring him back

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Having fun with friends and family in LeMars, Iowa.

19. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope. Did America fall in love with Benji? Definitely!!!

20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
THE BACKSTREET BOYS, N'SYNC, AND ALL THOSE ANNOYING BOY BANDS!!! SOMEBODY STOP THEM!!! PLEASE!!!!

21. What was your favorite TV program?
Stella

22. What was the best book you read?
Do all the Wikipedia entries on Oasis count as "a book?"

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
"The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. Best album of the year. (Yes, snobs, I'm being serious)

24. What did you want and get?
Sexual intercourse - every single day, 365 days of the year.

25. What did you want and not get?
Acceptance into the "I'm Addicted to My Sex Robot" support group.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
"The Departed"

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Celebrated with friends at Chuck E. Cheese, then watched "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." Quarter of a century.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know about "immeasurably," but it'd been nice to own a beagle.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
"Celtic Pride" (I wear the VHS around my neck on a chain)

30. What kept you sane?
Www.Google.com!

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Unfortunately, politics weren't discussed much in those Wikipedia entries on Oasis that I read

32. Who did you miss?
Friends and family not living in Los Angeles

33. Who was the best new person you met?
The fellas of Hendershaw

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Um, I'm just beginning to understand things I learned in 1996.

Last week, I read Pitchforkmedia's "200 Best Singles of the 1960's." I like lists like that. It helps me understand a very wide canvas through key examples. I wanna' make a list like that, but I probably don't have the authority to do so. Because I don't have that breadth of knowledge on any topic.

Except, of course, my own life. I know that pretty well.

I'm considering making a "Top 10 Most Pivotal Moments in My Life" list - although as I wrote that right now, I wanted to punch myself in the face. That's pretty dumb, huh? Awfully narcissistic, too. And who cares outside of me? (These are the main reasons I haven't regularly written in my blog for nearly two years now)

The idea would be to choose specific scenarios that shaped me as a person (for good and for bad). I think I'd be interested in reading that if somebody else did it. I'm 25 years old. Seems like a nice, round year to do some reflecting.

After all, at "Motown 25," Michael Jackson moonwalked to "Billie Jean." The least I can do for "Pauly Dangerfield 25" is write a few blog entries.

What's that called when prisoners carve lines onto their cells walls to indicate how many days they've spent in prison? Y'know, the four vertical lines and then a fifth line across them? I can't remember what those scratches are called. They're not exclusive to prisoners. I mean, people use them all the time - like to keep track of points during a game of "Hangman" or something.

But it's been on the tip of my tongue for the past 5 days now and I've been avoiding writing this particular blog entry ever since because I can't remember the term.

Anyway. Trying to remember the term isn't the point of this blog. This is:

Ever since I was a kid, I thought about how if I was a prisoner, I'd be bad at scratching lines onto my cell wall. Physically, I could do it. But mentally? No. Like my first day in prison, I'd be like, "Alright, one scratch" and then I'd do it. But I bet it'd be kinda fun (carving walls is cool) and since prison is boring, I'd be like, "Okay, I'll carve one... for tomorrow. And then I just won't do one tomorrow." But then the next day would come and I'd be kicking myself for having done it the day before and not getting to have the fun for that day. So I'd be like, "Okay, one more. Then that's it... for real."

But then I'd do another one. And another.

Until I'd be like on my 17th scratch, but only on my third day in prison.

It's like eating Flinstone vitamins as a kid. You only get one a day, but you're like, "They taste like candy! I want another one!" In that case though, I'd control myself from taking another Flinstone vitamin. Because I thought it was like real medicine and if I had more than one a day, I'd get really sick and overdose or something.

Fortunately, I never overdosed or something.

We all know that "BRB" means "Be Right Back" in Instant Messenger speak...

But it could also mean "Bath Room Break," which is often why we have to write "Be Right Back" during IM conversations.

I'll BRB from my BRB!

I like Rube Goldberg machines a lot, so I've been watching a bunch of them in action on YouTube. Which is pretty cool.

You know what's NOT "pretty cool?"

Folks who make digital versions of Rube Goldberg machines with their computers and then put them on YouTube. Rube Goldberg machines are neat because you get to see it all clicking before your eyes with the possibility that things could go awry, but with a computer-generated Rube Goldberg machi

(Um, I honestly got so annoyed by these fake Rube Goldberg machines that I didn't want to write about them anymore. I'm cranky now and don't want to finish this blog. They're that stupid to me. Bye)

I saw one of those plastic cups on the ground. The ones that are red on the outside and white on the inside?

And I thought, "Oh, that's cool. Netflix is making cups now."

Do any of you live in NEW YORK CITY?

If so, I'm performing comedy in "The Giant Apple" soon.

You can see me here:

HERE'S THE THING
(stand-up comedy)
SUNDAY, JULY 23 - 8pm
FREE
Rififi/Cinema Classics
332 E 11th St btwn 1st & 2nd Ave
more info


NEIL AND PAUL: GROWING UP IS TOUGH
(sketch comedy)
MONDAY, JULY 24
8:00 PM
$5
(with FAT LIP)

UCB Theatre - NEW YORK
307 W 26TH ST
New York
(212) 366-9176

Two teenage brothers run away from home and discover a valuable lesson:
Sometimes growing up ... doesn't involve any actual physical growth at all.

Written and Performed by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust
Featuring Nick Wiger
Directed by Owen Burke

RESERVE YOUR TICKETS HERE!!!



LAST DAY OF SCHOOL
(improvisational comedy)
SUNDAY, JULY 30
1:00 AM (late Saturday/early Sunday)

UCB Theatre - NEW YORK
307 W 26TH ST
New York
(212) 366-9176
more info


And if you don't live in New York City, but know some folks who live there (and think they'd like this sort of thing), please tell 'em to go.

From Wikipedia:

On March 24, 2004, Richard Simmons was arrested and charged with assault after allegedly slapping a motorcycle salesman at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, Arizona. The salesman, Chris Farney, spotted Simmons in the crowd and said, "Look, Richard Simmons! Drop your bags, let's rock to the '50s." Simmons replied, "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues." He then lightly slapped Farney's face. Farney, who was uninjured, called the police. All charges against Simmons were dropped.

I will go ahead and state the obvious: That motorcycle salesman is the funniest person in America.

"Drop your bags?" Hilarious. "Let's rock to the 50's?" Genius. What an amazing, amazing thing to say.

True, I don't necessarily care for Farney's mean-ness. I'm sure Richard Simmons is a nice guy and doesn't deserve public ridicule, but...

"Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's" is the funniest statement I've heard in 15 years.

I picked up a book of matches the other day.

And I realized that the total amount of matches I've lit through my entire life has been...

Thirty. Under thirty, easily.

I dunno. Fire really scared (scares) me, so I avoid lighting matches at all costs.

Then I lit a match and it burnt my thumb.

Burn me once? Shame on you. Burn me twice? Shame on... ewe.

Watching Lou Reed perform on one of those mid-80's Saturday Night Live reruns last night, I recalled a misperception I had as a child.

I thought Lou Reed and Joe Piscopo were the same person. Take a look:





Those pictures don't really help my case. At all. But trust me... they look a lot alike.

Let's say I had the power to re-shoot all the TV shows currently on Nick at Nite. And let's say I could re-cast the show... entirely with babies. So yeah, all the characters are portrayed by infants (6-10 months).

What Nick at Nite show would I most like to see with babies?

... Murphy Brown.

Nick at Nite! I demand a Baby Miles Silverberg!

You know that Smashing Pumpkins' song "1979?"

It was released in 1995.

So there's a 16-year difference between 1979 and 1995.

That'd be like if somebody today in 2006 wrote a song called "1990."



... Gross.

Just a moment ago, I was logging into my blogspot.com account and I typed my username as...

"Blogger."

For the record, my username is not "Blogger." It was one of those "brain farts" you hear about in the news.

But man, I wish I had the confidence to have my blogspot.com username be "blogger."

"That's right, blogspot.com! I'm all about blogging! You shall know me as blogger!"

And oh, my password would be "blog-opolis."

"May Day" is tomorrow, which if you remember, is that special day when we leave baskets of candy on people's doorsteps, ring their doorbells, and run away. If we get caught, we get kissed.

Call me wily (Pauly T. Wily), but I got a few tricks up my sleeve for this year's "May Day."

Yeah, I'm gonna' leave some baskets of candy on some doorsteps. And sure, I'm gonna' ring some doorbells. And hell yes, I will run away - but just one catch: I'm gonna' run away reeaaaaal slow. I'll surely be caught!

You see, I wanna' be kissed!!!

And I won't be leaving baskets of candy on no ugly folks' doorsteps. No, no, no. Only the hottest babes will be visited by me on this "May Day." Have you forgotten I live in Los Angeles (AKA "The City of the Hottest Babes")?

So who will be getting surprise visits from Pauly T. Wily on May Day? How 'bout Cindy Crawford? Ever heard of her? Oh yeeeeaaah! I know she has a husband, but she's Fair Game in my book!

Then I'll take a little stroll around Kathy Ireland's neighborhood. Aye-chi-mama! What a hot tamale! I hear Ms. Ireland likes to kiss a little rough. Yes, her kissing requires some Necessary Roughness.

And last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST... Miss Bo Derek. On a scale of 1 to 10, she's a total... Bolero!

Yep, all three of those babes are gonna' have their lipstick on my cheeks... and the lipstick will be in the shape of their lips!

May Day Forever! (May 1, 2006 - Forever)

Sorry, folks. I'm retiring my Celebrity Cited list. It got to be a burden - seeing a celebrity and then feeling obligated to remember him/her. Took the fun out of it, y'know? I knew it got bad when I saw a guy from Alias and I turned my head, pretending I hadn't seen him.

For those who are interested though... a couple of the celebs I saw in the interim: Zach De La Rocha eating salad and Corey Feldman having lunch in Toluca Lake.

Don't worry! This blog will still continue. I'm gonna' try to be better about updating, too. Now that I've said it, I'll be forced to do it. Gotta' be true to my word.

Love Always,
Paul

Written and Performed by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust
Directed by Owen Burke

Two teenage brothers run away from home and discover a valuable lesson:
Sometimes growing up ... doesn't involve any actual physical growth at all.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14
8:00 PM
$8
(with Derek Waters The Show)

reserve your tickets here!

UCB Theatre - LA
5919 Franklin Ave
Hollywood, 90028
(323) 908-8702