Grace and Peter - the rock-n-roll duo consisting of Charlyne Yi and myself - recently played a show at "Garage Comedy." You can watch a post-show interview with the both of us here (scroll down to "Grace and Peter").


Also, The American Film Insitute's expanded "100 Greatest Movie Quotes" continues...

26. She Done Him Wrong, 1933.
"Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I got microwave popcorn and Capri-Sun."

27. Midnight Cowboy, 1969.
"I'm walking here! I'm walking here! But mark my words: I definitely ain't TALKING here!"

28. Casablanca, 1942.
"Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By'... this time, I promise to record it on my boom-box, so I can listen to it anytime I want. Like when I'm out boatin' with the fam at Yankton."

29. A Few Good Men, 1992.
"You can't handle the truth! It's too hot to handle! Too cold to hold! They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control!"

30. Grand Hotel, 1932.
"I want to be alone... but if you guys are doin' something cool later, gimme a call."

31. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
"After all, tomorrow is another day! I call it 'cartoon day.'"

32. Casablanca, 1942.
"Round up the usual suspects... and no, I ain't talkin' about OJ Simpson! Or Michael Jackson! Or Monica Lewinsky! I'm talking about THE MEDIA and our MEDIA-OBSESSED CULTURE (like the kind examined in Natural Born Killers)."

33. When Harry Met Sally..., 1989.
"I'll have what she's having... a funny, lady-orgasm in public!"

34. To Have and Have Not, 1944.
"You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow... but make sure you don't have crackers in your mouth. I mean, it'll be funny, but it's gonna' make a mess at Paul's sister's birthday party in 1986."

35. Jaws, 1975.
"You're gonna need a bigger boat... or we won't have enough room for that boom-box when we go to Yankton."

36. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.
"Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges! But if the price is right, I'll show you my butt and tanline."

37. The Terminator, 1984.
"I'll be back... so don't close the door because my hands will be full with laundry."

38. The Pride of the Yankees, 1942.
"Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth... yeah, that's right! Earth! Ever heard of it, E.T.?"

39. Field of Dreams, 1989.
"If you build it, he will come... it's getting him to leave that's the tough part!"

40. Forrest Gump, 1994.
"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get... although, to be honest, I know I'm always gonna' get one thing from a box of chocolates and that, of course, is zits! Yikes! I keep tellin' myself to stop eatin' them, but --- I swear, I'm like a choc-aholic or something!"

41. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.
"We rob banks... like Bonnie and Clyde used to."

42. The Graduate, 1967.
"Plastics... fantastics."

43. Casablanca, 1942.
"We'll always have Paris... Holiday Inn."

44. The Sixth Sense, 1999.
"I see dead people... and I can hear them as well. And lemme tell ya', ma, Hendrix still knows how to wail!" (GUITAR RIFF)

45. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
"Stella! Hey, Stella! It's me - Marlon Brando!!!"

46. Now, Voyager, 1942.
"Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars... or as I like to call them - Moon Juniors."

47. Shane, 1953.
"Shane. Shane. Come back! Don't worry, I'll leave the door open, so you can get in easier when your hands are full with laundry."

48. Some Like It Hot, 1959.
"Well, nobody's perfect... just look at Tom Cruise's recent public behavior, which, to put it mildly, has been very bizarre. First, there was the Oprah appearance. And then, his fight with Matt Lauer. I dunno. I think his engagement with Katie Holmes is just a big publicity stunt for War of the Worlds if you ask me."

49. Frankenstein, 1931.
"It's alive! It's alive! And it's... it's... doing the twist?!!!"

50. Apollo 13, 1995.
"Houston, we have a problem... I closed the door on Terminator and Shane."

The American Film Institute recently announced their list of top 100 quotes from U.S. movies. Although these lines are indeed "classic," the lines FOLLOWING the quotes are often just as great, but tragically forgotten. Here are the first 25 in their entirety:

1. Gone With the Wind, 1939
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... or a shit."

2. The Godfather, 1972.
"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse... one bag of aggies for his Bo Jackson rookie card. Bo knows a good deal when he sees one."

3. On the Waterfront, 1954.
"You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am... why, I'm no better than that ol' Andy Kapp in the funny papers. From now on, just call me Marlon 'Andy Capp' Brando."

4. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore... in fact, I think we're in that magical land of Oz."

5. Casablanca, 1942.
"Here's looking at you, kid... but in my own weird way, here's looking at ME, too."

6. Sudden Impact, 1983.
"Go ahead, make my day... by taking me to TCBY."

7. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up... of YOUR butt."

8. Star Wars, 1977.
"May the Force be with you... and the Hershey bars with me! Yum, yum!"

9. All About Eve, 1950.
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night... so make sure to fasten your seatbelts."

10. Taxi Driver, 1976.
"You talking to me? Or you talking to BEES? Cuz if you're talking to bees, you can take it outside, Honeycomb."

11. Cool Hand Luke, 1967.
"What we've got here is a failure to communicate... but fortunately, we still got the power to jokey-rap." (BEAT STARTS, RAP BEGINS) "Well, you're Cool Hand Luke and you're here to say: I likes to Luke in a cool hand way."

12. Apocalypse Now, 1979.
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning... boy, I've sure become desensitized to the Vietnam War! Kinda makes you think, doesn't it? Not just about me, but America's realtionship to the war in general."

13. Love Story, 1970.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry... but it does mean putting the toilet seat down - am I right, ladies?!!"

14. The Maltese Falcon, 1941.
"The stuff that dreams are made of... y'know, like subconscious desires."

15. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.
"E.T. phone home... but YOU accept the charges, Elliot! I ain't no Donald E.T. Trump."

16. In the Heat of the Night, 1967.
"They call me Mister Tibbs! But you can call me Pauly Dangerfield."

17. Citizen Kane, 1941.
"Rosebud... hey, it's 1941! World War Two just started!"

18. White Heat, 1949.
"Made it, Ma! Top of the world! Next up? Branson!"

19. Network, 1976.
"I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore! So you can take this job and shove it, boss!"

20. Casablanca, 1942.
"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship... Louis, I want you to wear my class ring." ***

21. The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti... but twas his butt that was most delicious!"

22. Dr. No, 1962.
"Bond. James Bond. That's right. My name is Bond James Bond."

23. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"There's no place like home... or for that matter, my second home: TCBY!"

24. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"I am big! It's the pictures that got small... too small if you ask me."

25. Jerry Maguire, 1996.
"All these Maguires... and not enough Jerry to show for it."

*** NOTE: (joke ripped-off from "Evil Stepbrother" episode of Saved by the Bell)

My friends Adam and Ellen have started a new website. It's neat and funny. Check out www.underhyped.com.


So I bought a new pair of British Knights sneakers at Foot Locker. At first, I was excited, but then I remembered some advice I got back in grade school (circa 1991)...

"If you ever visit Los Angeles, don't wear British Knights because their initials are "B.K." and "B.K." stands for BLOOD KILLERS. If you wear British Knights in Los Angeles, you'll look like a Crypt and the Bloods will kill you." (Mr. Roecker, Gehlen Catholic elementary principal)

Fearing for my life, I tried to return the sneakers at Foot Locker, but to my dismay, one of my fellow Crypts was working behind the counter. "Blood-Gun" said I was part of the gang and if I backed out now, I'd have to kill the next person who told me to turn on my headlights.

I nodded solemnly and drowned my sorrows with a milkshake at Burger King.

Yum. Burger King.

B.K.

Blood Killers.

The Crypts own 90% of Burger King and British Knights.

And "Boyz In the Hood" was loosely based on "The Burger King Kids Club."


Wow! Looky here!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)

Strange occurences in the "Celebrity Cited" list. Early Saturday, my friends and I spotted Marissa Jaret Winokur at the Cafe 101 in Hollywood. Winokur is the full-sized actress from "Scary Movie," the new TV show "Stacked," and that episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" where Larry breaks his finger. She also won a Tony recently for her work in the musical version of "Hairspray," in which she portrayed Tracy Turnblad who (strangely enough)...

Was portrayed by Ricki Lake in the film version of "Hairspray."

That's right. Lake was #35. Winokur was #36. Weird!

If I'm lucky, my next celeb-spotting will be Harold Ramis. And then after him, the guy who did Egon's voice in "The Real Ghostbusters" cartoon.

Two minutes ago, I felt my first earthquake.

It was pretty cool.

Right now, I'm currently in the process of getting my name changed to "Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude." I'll travel from elementary school to elementary school, sharing stories about my survival and educating children about how they can be brave like me and protect themselves from earthquakes.

Okay. I just confirmed all the dates on my upcoming "Earthquake Survival" tour. Most of the schools I visit will be in the Midwest.

Signed,
"Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude"

Funny bones and feathers...

"M-Spot"
@ the MBAR
1253 N. Vine
Monday, June 13th
8:30pm $5

Sarah Silverman
Nick Swardson
Paul Rust <------------ me.
Scott and Stacey
Martha Kelly

Host: Jason Nash
plus DJ Sneaky Pete

reservations at: 323 856-0036

Also... this week's "LA Weekly" referred to me as an "up-and-comer" comic. Read the article here.

In second grade, my teacher Miss Schmidt yelled at me for acting up in class.

I really liked Miss Schmidt, so I wanted to apologize and make things better. That's why I drew her a picture and put it on her desk.

At the top, in big letters, were the words: "I'm sorry."

Underneath it was a drawing of me... crying.

It seems the only way I could apologize to Miss Schmidt was by letting her know how much she had hurt my feelings.

(This entry is the second installment of my popular series: "How I Manipulated People as a Child")

Chatting with some people over the weekend, I remembered this event...

April 12th, 1988: It's my seventh birthday, I'm in kindergarten, and I avoid everyone at recess. No one comes close to me. I stand by the fence alone and if anyone comes near me, I get away fast. In fact, if someone invites me to play, I decline.

Halfway through the recess, I ditch out early and re-enter the classroom... to complain to Mrs. Jenneary that no one's playing with me and I feel excluded. And then I start to cry. And Mrs. Jenneary comforts me.

10 minutes later, all my classmates return from recess and enter the classroom. Once everyone is seated, Mrs. Jenneary promptly lectures everyone on how they need to play with everyone at recess - especially Paul WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS TODAY. As expected, all my classmates feel bad and go "awwwww" (even the ones I declined to play with). A lot of them apologize for excluding me. They sing "Happy Birthday."

And I sit at my desk with blood-shot cry-eyes and smile. Because everyone loves me on my birthday!

Can you feel it? That tension? That... anticipation? Smell it. Smell the air. You can smell the tension and anticipation in the air.

Yes. Across the globe, folks are wondering...

"Will Paul have a celebrity sighting for the month of May?" (Hakatori Mazato, Japan)

"Will this be the FIRST MONTH since Paul's arrival nine months ago that he went WITHOUT a celebrity sighting?" (Ellen O'Flaherty, Ireland)

"What are we gonna' do?" (a cute koala bear, Australia)

Fear not, my friends... for April showers bring May celebrities!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)

Ricki Lake was eating outside a restaurant in West Hollywood. She caught me staring at her.

FIRST THINGS FIRST:
In case you missed it over the holiday, there's a new entry for Sunday.

SECOND THINGS SECOND:
If you're the 25,000th person to visit my blog (check counter on the right), then please sign my guestbook (also on the right). It'll be like writing your name in wet cement in 1986, so for years, kids will see it on their way to school and wonder who the hell you are/were.

THIRD THINGS THIRD:
Tonight, I will be performing at...

"COMEDY DEATH-RAY"
Tuesday, May 31st

Hosted by: BLAINE CAPATCH
Headlined by: DOUG BENSON

Featuring:
STEVE BENAQUIST
SUSAN BURKE
SEAN CONROY
JOSH FADEM
KYLE KINANE
JAY LARSON
ERIC MONEYPENNY
PAUL RUST
CHARLYNE YI

Plus! RON LYNCH and his tape recorders!!

MBar
1253 N. Vine St.
Hollywood - corner of Vine & Fountain
Res: 323-856-0036
$5
more info: funbunchcomedy.com

Sundays are weird, huh? As a kid, I always hated Sundays. They were the weekend's death rattle. I'd just think about how school was the next day and how I'd have to wait another 5 days before FUN could occur again. Plus, church was boring and the NBC "Sunday Night Movie" usually sucked - excluding their spectacular 1992 presentation of "Tremors" (thank you, Warren Littlefield).

In case you were wondering, this feeling can also be filed under: "The Feeling You Got When Target Started Airing "Back to School" Commercials in Early August" or "The Feeling You Got When Dusk Approached on a School Night." You know how it goes. Dread and melancholy. And loneliness, too? How'd you get in there?!

Sundays, however, do hold SOME warm memories for me. Between the ages of 5-7, I would sit on my mom's lap and we'd read the "Sunday funnies" together. My mom - being clever and identifying opportunities to encourage youth literacy - would often get me to read aloud my favorite comics. I remember one time, Linus (from "Peanuts") was trying to get Charlie Brown's attention in class and went, "Pssst." I, of course, sounded it out and accidentially read the word aloud as "pissed." Boy, did mom and I laugh at that one!

But all in all, Sundays sucked and everybody knew it.

Not anymore though. Since I'm a "grown up," school-on-Mondays are dead and I can do whatever I want. Like tonight? I'm getting together with friends and watching "Revenge of the Nerds" AND "Revenge of the Nerds Part 2." I'll probably even eat pizza. And ice cream. And I'll take my evening bath when I'm good and ready, goddamit.

But... y'know... "school-on-Mondays" isn't really the issue here. The dreariness of "Sundays" still remains. Just not on Sundays. And in a different form.

It's like... ? Okay. In third grade, my hatred for Sundays was so strong that I'd actually start dreading it by Saturday night. Instead of just enjoying "Saturday Night Live," I'd be thinking about how much it would suck to watch "60 Minutes" at the dinner table the next day. And how that big ticking "60 Minutes" clock would mock me, reminding me that time was passing and there was nothing I could do about it.

Nuhhhhh.

Hmpf.

A couple months ago, I was bitching about this to a friend. And he - providing helpful advice - cited the Japanese and how they don't mourn the transitory, but find beauty in it. And how maybe I could do that, too.

But I doubt the Japanese even watch "Saturday Night Live."

Hey, everybody. Thanks for all your responses to the "Mony Mony" mystery. I will post people's suggestions on my blog soon enough.

In the meantime, look at this:



www.fireballdeluxe.com

You know the song "Mony Mony" by Tommy James and the Shondells (later covered by Billy Idol)?

You've probably heard it on your radio. Or for you tech-savvy folks, a CD player. Or for the even savvier, an iPod. Or for the savviest, a... spaceship. With a hoverboard scotch-taped to the side of it. And an ALF doll sewn to the back.

But most certainly, you've heard it played at high school dances and wedding receptions. That is where "Mony Mony" reigns supreme! Remember how Aunt Carol danced to it at Mark and Rebecca's wedding? And she NEVER dances!

So, inevitably, every time "Mony Mony" is played at one of these occasions, a crowd of people chant a phrase in unison during the verses. I think you know what I'm talking about. But I DON'T. You see, I myself have never heard it. But I know it goes something like: "Mah Mah Cah Cah Hadie Hadie Ha Ha."

And that's probably not it. Cuz it's weird.

Ever since I was a youth, I've always wondered WHAT that phrase was. But I was too afraid/embarrassed to ask because I got the sinking suspsicion that it was "dirty" or "naughty." In fact, if memory serves me correctly, I recall some high schools barring it from disc-jockey's catalogs to prevent mass naughtiness. Just like those "Bart Simpsons" t-shirts!

That's all well and good for high school dances and "Bart Simpsons," but the problem remains... I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE CHANTING!!!

So I'm using this blog and asking for your help. Now I've only done this one other time (last year, when my son was kidnapped and I called for you - my bloggies - to search for him) and this time, it's even more important! So, if you know the (possibly naughty) phrase that crowds of people chant during the verses of "Mony Mony," please email me at strangelove45@hotmail.com. I'd forever be in your debt.

Thank you.

(And oh, for those of you who tipped me off that my kidnapped son was being held hostage in the "Superman: The Escape" ride at Magic Mountain... I thank you).

I want to make a t-shirt.

Specifically, a t-shirt for babies.

And it would read: "It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Teething)."

In case you were wondering... yes, this would be the cutest t-shirt ever.

And oh! It'd also feature a Li'l Baby Bob Dylan holding a bottle. And wearing a bonnet. With a pacifier in his mouth.

This, of course, would be the first in a long line of "Baby Dylan"-brand t-shirts, including:

- "The Free-crawlin' Baby Dylan"
- "The Diapers They Are A-Changing"
and...
- "Drool on the Tracks"

More titles will appear depending on customer demand (or if I can come up with some more).

And don't forget about the popular "Baby Beatles" fashion line. Who can forget such classics as:

- "Can't Buy Me Baby Food."
- "Hey Jude (You're a Baby)"
- "The Muppet Babies Theme Song"

This was all fake. All of it.

Uh-oh! Friday the 13th is HERE! But don't worry, my creepies. Here's some ways to keep yourself "lucky" on this most "unluckiest" of days!

1. STAY AWAY FROM BLACK CATS
If you see a black cat... RUN!!! Seriously. RUN!!! To be safe, don't even go near skunks (AKA "Black Cats' Second Cousins"). And to be doubly safe, don't even listen to Janet Jackson's Top-40 hit "Black Cat." Or anything on "Rhythm Nation 1814," for that matter. I don't care if you ARE throwing an "Escapade" party tonight.

2. THROW SALT OVER YE SHOULDER
Good news: Throwing salt gives you good luck. Bad news: Explaining the mess to Mother!

3. LADDERS? DON'T GO UNDER 'EM!
I know, I know. We all want to walk under ladders. It's one of the great American traditions (akin to baseball, apple pie, and our obsesson with not letting cats cross our paths or salt not go over our shoulders). But if you want Old Man Lucky (TM) to be kind to you on Friday the 13th, you'll steer clear of dem ladders. So look, you can either walk under a ladder or not... but I advise you to do... the latter? YAY!

4. KISS A FROG, ROMEO!
Although the method of kissing a frog isn't as popular as the previous 3, doctors have proven it actually works the best. Remember, ladies: you gotta' kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince! (writer's note: kissing frogs will get you pregnant. very pregnant.)

5. DAAAAMN! DON"T BREAK NO MIRRORS!
Whatever you do - WHATEVER YOU DO - do NOT break a mirror! It causes 7 years bad luck! Take it from me (Paul Rust of "Watch Paul Rust Age Behind Glass" fame). Immediately after I was born, I broke 4 mirrors in the maternity room (it was a complicated pregnancy).

Do the math: 4 mirrors x 7 years = ay yi yi yi! Ever since, my life has been a series of unfortunate Limony Snickets. And at 24 years old, I still got 4 years to go! In truth, however, perhaps I've used this supposed "curse" as an excuse to NOT do better. Or try harder. Or make a difference.

Huh. Maybe instead of breaking mirrors, Paul Rust should look into one... and discover Paul Rust.

Well, it's May 10th! And you know what means... all the big-time Hollywood movie studios have announced the taglines for their summer blockbusters! Let's take a look, okay?!

1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
TAGLINE: "The Saga is Complete."

2. The Longest Yard
TAGLINE: "It was hard to put a team together... until they found out who they were playing."

3. Madagascar
TAGLINE: "Just when you thought the MGM Lion was the grumpiest... here comes Alex the Lion! (voiced by Ben Stiller of Meet the Fockers)"

4. Cinderella Man
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Cinerella Man?! Holy shiiiiiiit!"

5. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
TAGLINE: "The true life story of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's 1993 trip to Branson, Missouri. Rated PG-13."

6. Batman Begins
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Batman Cinderella?! Why, I never!"

7. Bewitched
TAGLINE: "Hocus Pocus Let's-go-to-this!"

8. War of the Worlds
TAGLINE: "E.T. - Gettin' Grumpy! Rated PG-13, Too."

9. Fantastic Four
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (FART!) TWO Cinderella Men?!! Kiss me, darlin'!"

10. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
TAGLINE: "You'll Never Eat Chocolate Again!"

11. Bad News Bears
TAGLINE: "We Got Some Bad News and Some Good News. Good News is... This Movie's About Baseball. Bad News is... Bears!"

12. Pink Panther
TAGLINE: "Don't lay down on the insulation in your attic. It may look comfy, but it's itchy."

13. Cinderella Man Part II
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (SOUND OF A HUG) Yes. Cinderella Man."

It's funny how all the studios' taglines are weird and goofy. That's why I only go to independent films (mainly documentaries and foreign films). Keep churnin' out the crap, H-Wood! I'll be going to "The Real Cancun" and "The Full Monty!"

Today, I remembered how my mom and I used to refer to Hardee's (the massively popular Midwestern fast-food chain) as "Hardy-Har-Har's."

I'd be five years old. Me and mom would be in some department store and I'd ask, "Can we go to Hardy-Har-Har's?" And she'd smile and say, "Yeah, I think we can go to Hardy-Har-Har's."

I like that memory.

I also like the memory of me sitting on top of a hamper as I watched my mom put on make-up in the bathroom mirror.

Those memories make me happy.

Hey, it's a Mother's Day blog!

Hallmark should make Mother's Day greeting cards with an illustration of a boy sitting on a hamper with his mom putting on make-up and saying, "Hardy-Har-Har."

Hmmm. Looks like I got an Internet petition to start for Hallmark Incorporated!

Sure has been a long time since my last post, hasn't it? I know, I know. Sometimes grandma forgets.

So guess where I was for the past couple days? That's right. Las Vegas! How'd you know? Gosh, you must be either: a) a very good guesser or B) a ghost who follows me around. If you happen to be "B" and are reading this, by all means, please wear a little derby, so you can look cute like this little fella.

For all you non-Boo-Berries out there, here's a rundown of what Bmax, DJ, and I did in Las Vegas:

- We stayed at the hotel/casino Imperial Palace. Whereas dumps like the Bellagio offer a breath-taking butterfly conservatory and junkyards like Caesar's Palace provide a gorgeous Greek pool, the magnificent Imperial Palace has... yes, "Dealertainers."

It's fantastic! Instead of regular, boring casino dealers, Imperial Palace has CELEBRITY IMPERSONATORS work the tables. Get it? "Dealers + Entertainers = still doesn't make sense." Here's a picture gallery that you're dying to see.

And trust me, you haven't lived until you've seen Jake Blues (of the Blues Brothers) finish a dance routine, then look at his watch, breathe a sigh of disappointment, and walk off into the men's bathroom. Remember the slogan: what happens in Vegas... stays with you forever and crushes your soul.

-We went to "We Will Rock You," the futuristic musical-comedy based on the music of rock sensations, Queen. It was... incredible! Tell me: would you like me less (or MORE?!) if you knew that I wept during the "Somebody to Love" segment? If you'd like me more, then yes... I cried like a baby. If you'd like me less, then... melt that block of ice you call a heart.

- We rode a thrill ride known as "The X-scream". Here's the Stratosphere Hotel's description: "At 866 feet, X Scream is the world's third highest thrill ride. Shaped like a giant teeter-totter, X Scream is an open vehicle that propels riders head-first, 27 feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Tower and dangles them weightlessly above the Strip before pulling it's riders back and over again for more!"

Here's my decription: "Ehhh. I want out. Stop this. Why did I agree to do this? I want off. Stop this. Stop the ride. Please! I want off!" Mind you, I never uttered these words, but... they were screaming in my mind during the entire ride. Actually, these very same words are my daily morning affirmation as well.

Now I'm back in Los Angeles: the greatest thrill ride of them all!

...after "Autopia" in Disneyland.

YOU SHOULD COME TO THIS...

"COMEDY DEATH RAY"
(hosted by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust)
TUESDAY, MAY 3RD - 8:30PM
@ M-BAR (1253 Vine Street)
$5
"Best in LA!" -- LA Weekly
res: 323-856-0036

with special guests:
Patton Oswalt
Greg Behrendt
Chris Hardwick
Mike Schmidt
Andrew Daly
and Machu Picchu

for more info, go to funbunchcomedy.com (includes a picture of me and Neil!)

For you readers out-of-state or unfamiliar with "Comedy Death Ray," it is LA's biggest night for "alternative comedy." Past performers have included folks like Bob Odenkirk, Louis CK, and David Cross. I've been going to it since I came to Los Angeles last August. And it's great.

Anyway, every week, "Comedy Death Ray" has a new host and fortunately for us, Neil and I were asked to do it. As you can guess, we're very excited. Neil and I have created what I consider a "great show." There will be sketches and videos and songs and all sorts of other fun things. Anyway, it'd be great for you to come out and catch it. I think you'll enjoy it.

And who knows? You may enjoy this as well...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)

Both Peter Bonerz and David Lovering were spotted in the audience at the "Garage Comedy" show at El Cid. Bonerz portrayed Dr. Jerry Robinson on "The Bob Newhart Show" and Lovering is the drummer for the Pixies.

And yes, I have wanted to meet both men since the 8th grade.

I posted a new bio in the "about" section of paulrust.com. Check it out, you. You may find something out that you never knew about your friend Paul.

While you're there, look at my "upcoming shows" list on the homepage. If you live in Los Angeles, come and watch. If you live outside of Los Angeles, you have no excuse to NOT come and watch. Thousands of miles, be damned.

Hey, y'all! Here's some pictures of my brother Petey Rust's musical performance at last Sunday's Pretty Okay Ho-Hum Spectacular on Ice.





(pictures courtesy of Meredith Jenks)

Petey Rust would like to thank Michael Cassady who graciously accompanied him on the piano.

Later, I asked Petey how the performance went. His response? Eating a big green apple and falling asleep on my futon. It was 7:30pm.

I guess he was pretty tired.