Y'know, it's funny. I hear all this talk: "Will the Western ride again?"
Just a moment ago, I read a headline on IMDB.com and it asked: "Will the Western ride again?"
And my answer is this: Hey, we'll just have to wait and see how much money 3:10 to Yuma makes on its opening weekend!
Maybe through that, we'll be better suited to answer that question...
Will the Western ride again?
Saturday, September 08, 2007
I'd just like to point out that right now (at age 26, in September 2007), I am at my most handsome.
The most handsome I've ever been in my whole life.
And although my face is certainly not the most handsome when compared to others' faces, it's definitely the most handsome when compared to my past faces.
And that's something I shouldn't be too shy to acknowledge about myself.
Self-esteem.
The most handsome I've ever been in my whole life.
And although my face is certainly not the most handsome when compared to others' faces, it's definitely the most handsome when compared to my past faces.
And that's something I shouldn't be too shy to acknowledge about myself.
Self-esteem.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
So I was watching that Adam Sandler movie "Click" and I gotta' say: THAT ADAM SANDLER GUY IS A MAJOR JERK! Making a girl's boobs bounce in slow-motion? Pulling down a guy's pants in freeze-frame? VERY IMMATURE!!!
Did he learn nothing in "Billy Madison?" I recommend that Mr. Sandler go back to school and repeat grades one through twelve ALL OVER AGAIN! And this time around, DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! That means...
NO EATING PASTE!
NO THROWING BALLS AT LITTLE KIDS!
NO PUTTING FAKE LICE ON YOUR HEAD TO SCARE THE NURSE AND MAKE HER FAINT!
And if you succeed in completing all twelve grades again, maybe - JUST MAYBE - if you're acting nicely, I'll allow you to go out to the golf course and hit golf balls like they were hockey pucks!!!
Love,
Your Biggest Fan
Did he learn nothing in "Billy Madison?" I recommend that Mr. Sandler go back to school and repeat grades one through twelve ALL OVER AGAIN! And this time around, DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! That means...
NO EATING PASTE!
NO THROWING BALLS AT LITTLE KIDS!
NO PUTTING FAKE LICE ON YOUR HEAD TO SCARE THE NURSE AND MAKE HER FAINT!
And if you succeed in completing all twelve grades again, maybe - JUST MAYBE - if you're acting nicely, I'll allow you to go out to the golf course and hit golf balls like they were hockey pucks!!!
Love,
Your Biggest Fan
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Monday, August 27, 2007
I've thought about this for a long time (5 years now), but I've finally determined the worst ways you could die.
1. You're going down a playground slide and there's spikes at the bottom of the slide
2. You jump off a high board and there's spikes in the swimming pool
3. You go into an elevator and the ceiling lowers down and there's spikes on it
4. You get into a car accident and the airbag is spikes
5. You lay down in bed and spikes fall on you
6. A pair of glasses with spikes
7. A vest with spikes
8. Spikes
9. Spikes
10. A rollercoaster with spikes
1. You're going down a playground slide and there's spikes at the bottom of the slide
2. You jump off a high board and there's spikes in the swimming pool
3. You go into an elevator and the ceiling lowers down and there's spikes on it
4. You get into a car accident and the airbag is spikes
5. You lay down in bed and spikes fall on you
6. A pair of glasses with spikes
7. A vest with spikes
8. Spikes
9. Spikes
10. A rollercoaster with spikes
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Hey, everybody. Some exciting news has just been announced.
I've been hired as a writer and cast member on a new comedy show pilot for FOX known as "The Right Now! Show." I'll be working on it for the next month and a half, then taping it either Friday, Sept 14 or Monday, September 17 in Los Angeles. Once I get the definite date and info, I'll post it here, so if you're in town, you can come check it out.
This should be really fun. I get the pleasure and honor of working with some of the funniest, smartest, most original folks doing comedy. And if the show gets picked up to air (hopefully early 2008), I think you'll like it, too.
Bye-bye.
I've been hired as a writer and cast member on a new comedy show pilot for FOX known as "The Right Now! Show." I'll be working on it for the next month and a half, then taping it either Friday, Sept 14 or Monday, September 17 in Los Angeles. Once I get the definite date and info, I'll post it here, so if you're in town, you can come check it out.
This should be really fun. I get the pleasure and honor of working with some of the funniest, smartest, most original folks doing comedy. And if the show gets picked up to air (hopefully early 2008), I think you'll like it, too.
Bye-bye.
Saturday, June 23, 2007
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Time to make my fantasy rock band!
Okay. First up. We need a drummer. Is there any doubt? Keith Moon! The Who's resident "wild"-man will surely be up to the task of keeping the beat... and definitely NOT keeping the peace. 1, 2, 3, 4! You're behind this fantasy band's drum kit, my man!
Next? The bassist. A bass guitar may only have four strings, but a master musician needs at least 8 fingers (or more) to play. So that's why I nominate Flea, the Red Hot Chili Peppers' resident "wild"-man to take on bassin' duties. Just promise me one thing, Flea? Never stop playin' the bass (even between each song).
Now who? Now who? Let me look here. Ah yes. The guitarist! Three words: Jimi, Jimi, Jimi. And no, it's not the Jimi you're thinking of. I'm talking about Jimi Hendrix! If he plays half as good as it looked like he did on that poster of my sister's in 1992, then we're in for a treat!
And finally, the lead vocalist. At the risk of sounding like a braggart, may I humbly suggest... Mick Jagger?! That's right. The Jag-uar. The only thing bigger than those famous lips? His hips. His wide, wide hips. The widest hips in all of rock, ladies and gentlemen. That's why his band was so frequently referred to as "The Rolling Stones and The Big, Baggy Jeans That Mick Jagger Has to Wear."
That's it. That's my fantasy rock band.
Oh, what's that? You want a name for this ultimate rock band?
Easy.
"The Blogspot Band," of course!
Okay. First up. We need a drummer. Is there any doubt? Keith Moon! The Who's resident "wild"-man will surely be up to the task of keeping the beat... and definitely NOT keeping the peace. 1, 2, 3, 4! You're behind this fantasy band's drum kit, my man!
Next? The bassist. A bass guitar may only have four strings, but a master musician needs at least 8 fingers (or more) to play. So that's why I nominate Flea, the Red Hot Chili Peppers' resident "wild"-man to take on bassin' duties. Just promise me one thing, Flea? Never stop playin' the bass (even between each song).
Now who? Now who? Let me look here. Ah yes. The guitarist! Three words: Jimi, Jimi, Jimi. And no, it's not the Jimi you're thinking of. I'm talking about Jimi Hendrix! If he plays half as good as it looked like he did on that poster of my sister's in 1992, then we're in for a treat!
And finally, the lead vocalist. At the risk of sounding like a braggart, may I humbly suggest... Mick Jagger?! That's right. The Jag-uar. The only thing bigger than those famous lips? His hips. His wide, wide hips. The widest hips in all of rock, ladies and gentlemen. That's why his band was so frequently referred to as "The Rolling Stones and The Big, Baggy Jeans That Mick Jagger Has to Wear."
That's it. That's my fantasy rock band.
Oh, what's that? You want a name for this ultimate rock band?
Easy.
"The Blogspot Band," of course!
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
For a couple of years now, the right side of my car has been all smashed up.
Recently, while I was driving down Melrose Avenue, a guy pulled up to me and yelled out from his car window, "Hey, buddy! I can fix your car for $250!"
I politely declined and said, "No thanks."
To which he replied...
"Okay, okay. I'll do it for $500!"
Sir, you drive a hard bargain.
Recently, while I was driving down Melrose Avenue, a guy pulled up to me and yelled out from his car window, "Hey, buddy! I can fix your car for $250!"
I politely declined and said, "No thanks."
To which he replied...
"Okay, okay. I'll do it for $500!"
Sir, you drive a hard bargain.
Monday, May 21, 2007
I love my parents!
Read about 'em and you, too, will fall in love!
My dad's been running a shoe repair store for 35 years!
My mom's a teacher and her students are in the National History Day competition!
Read about 'em and you, too, will fall in love!
My dad's been running a shoe repair store for 35 years!
My mom's a teacher and her students are in the National History Day competition!
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
When I was 13 years old, I really wanted to see Pulp Fiction, but since it was rated R, I wasn't allowed to. So instead, I got my fix through the bits and pieces I'd see in TV ads and clips on talk shows. And the part that I saw most of all was the Uma Thurman/John Travolta dance sequence.
And that was the one scene that everybody talked about. On and on and on. But I only got to see a brief part of it. So I'd imagine what the scene was like - what happened and how it began and end. How they danced and how it looked and all that. And in my mind, it was the best scene in film history.
But then about a year later, I finally saw the big scene and it was very, very, very underwhelming. Not that it could ever live up to my fantasy.
Anyway, I just got done watching Pulp Fiction and I saw that scene and it was awesome. Now I know what everyone was talking about!
THE SAME CAN'T BE SAID ABOUT THE FOOD FIGHT SCENE IN ANIMAL HOUSE!!!
Growing up, I heard so much about that goddamned food fight! How it was THE food fight scene to end all food fight scenes in film. I heard so much hype about it that when I'd watch other movies with food fight scenes, I'd think, "Well, that was awesome, but I bet the one in Animal House is mind-blowing!"
Then I finally saw it when I was 11 years old and holy shit, does it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. It lasts, like, maybe - and I'm being very generous here - 25 seconds. And then it's over. And it's only in one high-angle wide shot. So lame.
In fact, the first time I saw it, I was so disappointed that I had to lie to myself. "Well, it's on TBS. They HAD to cut it down. It's too intense for basic cable." I had to delude myself because I couldn't bear to think that I had been lied to all these years.
And then of course, later, I saw it on video. And it still sucked.
It's too bad. In my mind, it was an epic food fight. It lasted as long as 15 minutes. And there were multiple close-ups of people throwing food and ducking behind over-turned tables. And every character fought in the food fight with an entire cafeteria of food at their disposal. And oh, one character even developed a special high-tech food-fight gadget to throw food really quickly. And there was definitely a shot of John Belushi soaring through the air in slow-motion, chucking food at others below him.
But it's not like that. NOT AT ALL!
Dear Hollywood, when will you finally make this food fight scene?
Signed,
Paul Rust
And that was the one scene that everybody talked about. On and on and on. But I only got to see a brief part of it. So I'd imagine what the scene was like - what happened and how it began and end. How they danced and how it looked and all that. And in my mind, it was the best scene in film history.
But then about a year later, I finally saw the big scene and it was very, very, very underwhelming. Not that it could ever live up to my fantasy.
Anyway, I just got done watching Pulp Fiction and I saw that scene and it was awesome. Now I know what everyone was talking about!
THE SAME CAN'T BE SAID ABOUT THE FOOD FIGHT SCENE IN ANIMAL HOUSE!!!
Growing up, I heard so much about that goddamned food fight! How it was THE food fight scene to end all food fight scenes in film. I heard so much hype about it that when I'd watch other movies with food fight scenes, I'd think, "Well, that was awesome, but I bet the one in Animal House is mind-blowing!"
Then I finally saw it when I was 11 years old and holy shit, does it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. It lasts, like, maybe - and I'm being very generous here - 25 seconds. And then it's over. And it's only in one high-angle wide shot. So lame.
In fact, the first time I saw it, I was so disappointed that I had to lie to myself. "Well, it's on TBS. They HAD to cut it down. It's too intense for basic cable." I had to delude myself because I couldn't bear to think that I had been lied to all these years.
And then of course, later, I saw it on video. And it still sucked.
It's too bad. In my mind, it was an epic food fight. It lasted as long as 15 minutes. And there were multiple close-ups of people throwing food and ducking behind over-turned tables. And every character fought in the food fight with an entire cafeteria of food at their disposal. And oh, one character even developed a special high-tech food-fight gadget to throw food really quickly. And there was definitely a shot of John Belushi soaring through the air in slow-motion, chucking food at others below him.
But it's not like that. NOT AT ALL!
Dear Hollywood, when will you finally make this food fight scene?
Signed,
Paul Rust
Saturday, March 03, 2007
My ranking of 2006 movies continues...
21. Neil Young: Heart of Gold
If tapping your foot wasn't a crime, I would have tapped my foot throughout this entire movie!
22. Scoop
Two SCOOPS of Woody Allen please!
What's that you say? You don't make Woody Allen Ice Cream? Doesn't exist? Hmmm. Then... I'll have some Cherry Nut Ice Cream. You say you just ran out. Well then... let's go with the, uhhhh... Rocky Road? You ATE all the Rocky Road?!! Well, this is perfect. Juuuuuust perfect. What's the name of this ice cream parlour anyway? You're kidding me... Woody Allen's Ice Cream Shop. AND IT ALL COMES TOGETHER!!!
23. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
1, 2... SWASH-buckle my shoe?!! You heard it here first, folks!
24. Little Man
THIS COULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!!
25. Rocky Balboa
Did you know that some professional boxers train by taking ballet lessons? Rocky Balboa doesn't, but some do. And not just boxers. All kinds of athletes. Basketball players. Football players. Baseball players. It helps them with their balance and strength and all that.
26. Strangers with Candy
Strangers with Candy? Or hardly working?!
27. Idiocracy
This movie should come with a warning: "NO DUMMIES ALLOWED!"
28. X-Men: The Last Stand
When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier's former ally, Magneto (McKellen).
29. Poseidon
Major misstep when the most likable character in the film (Kevin Dillon) was the first to die.
30. The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills may have eyes, but... I got ears! Cut down on the foul language!
31. A Scanner Darkly
They're making an underwater sequel (A Scanner Shark-ly), but not until they're done making a remake with an all-dog cast (A Scanner Bark-ly)... and a prequel featuring some chark (A Scanner Chark-ly).
32. This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Oh yes, it is! By me! D+!
33. The Da Vinci Code
Tom Hanks' worst film since The Risk Pool.
34. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Boring.
35.For Your Consideration
Beware Caddyshack 2 fans! This is not a sequel to your favorite movie! The title is spelled with a "For," not a "Fore." I found out the hard way (I went to a country club and asked the head caddy for one ticket to Fore Your Consideration and he - very confused - asked me to leave... golfing to the pros!)
36. Date Movie
Anything but! (It's got some really crude humor from time to time)
37. Firewall
For serious, this was the first time I saw an I-Pod in a movie.
38. Lady in the Water
A lady in the water?! Someone call Erin Brokovich! (Bow)
39. Basic Instinct 2
#1 Way to Feel Weird: Watch this in a movie theatre on a Sunday night.
40. Miami Vice
Out of all the movies I saw in 2006, I would definitely rank this at #40.
21. Neil Young: Heart of Gold
If tapping your foot wasn't a crime, I would have tapped my foot throughout this entire movie!
22. Scoop
Two SCOOPS of Woody Allen please!
What's that you say? You don't make Woody Allen Ice Cream? Doesn't exist? Hmmm. Then... I'll have some Cherry Nut Ice Cream. You say you just ran out. Well then... let's go with the, uhhhh... Rocky Road? You ATE all the Rocky Road?!! Well, this is perfect. Juuuuuust perfect. What's the name of this ice cream parlour anyway? You're kidding me... Woody Allen's Ice Cream Shop. AND IT ALL COMES TOGETHER!!!
23. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
1, 2... SWASH-buckle my shoe?!! You heard it here first, folks!
24. Little Man
THIS COULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!!
25. Rocky Balboa
Did you know that some professional boxers train by taking ballet lessons? Rocky Balboa doesn't, but some do. And not just boxers. All kinds of athletes. Basketball players. Football players. Baseball players. It helps them with their balance and strength and all that.
26. Strangers with Candy
Strangers with Candy? Or hardly working?!
27. Idiocracy
This movie should come with a warning: "NO DUMMIES ALLOWED!"
28. X-Men: The Last Stand
When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier's former ally, Magneto (McKellen).
29. Poseidon
Major misstep when the most likable character in the film (Kevin Dillon) was the first to die.
30. The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills may have eyes, but... I got ears! Cut down on the foul language!
31. A Scanner Darkly
They're making an underwater sequel (A Scanner Shark-ly), but not until they're done making a remake with an all-dog cast (A Scanner Bark-ly)... and a prequel featuring some chark (A Scanner Chark-ly).
32. This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Oh yes, it is! By me! D+!
33. The Da Vinci Code
Tom Hanks' worst film since The Risk Pool.
34. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Boring.
35.For Your Consideration
Beware Caddyshack 2 fans! This is not a sequel to your favorite movie! The title is spelled with a "For," not a "Fore." I found out the hard way (I went to a country club and asked the head caddy for one ticket to Fore Your Consideration and he - very confused - asked me to leave... golfing to the pros!)
36. Date Movie
Anything but! (It's got some really crude humor from time to time)
37. Firewall
For serious, this was the first time I saw an I-Pod in a movie.
38. Lady in the Water
A lady in the water?! Someone call Erin Brokovich! (Bow)
39. Basic Instinct 2
#1 Way to Feel Weird: Watch this in a movie theatre on a Sunday night.
40. Miami Vice
Out of all the movies I saw in 2006, I would definitely rank this at #40.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Well, it's early March, which means I'll do what most film critics in the country are doing right now... ranking their favorite movies of 2006!
1. The Departed
Our greatest living director leads a Dream Team ensemble of actors - and by "Dream Team," I mean a cast that most resembles the characters from 1989's The Dream Team.***
2. Mission: Impossible 3
Your mission. If you choose to accept it. Is to have a great time at the movies! Mission Impossible? Nay. Mission Very Possible!
3. Children of Men
Loved the movie, but I found some of their tie-in merchandise to be a little crass. Children of Men-tos?!!! Loved the candy, but c'mon, Hollywood, not everything is about the almighty dollar!!!
4. Final Destination 3
This was a fun night at the movies - even though I was uncomfortable that a 6 year-old girl sat behind me throughout this very violent, intense movie. I mean, I kept asking her to leave my living room, but she refused! Just kidding. This was at a movie theatre.
5. The Science of Sleep
If there was, in fact, a Science of Sleep... I would have definitely taken a course on it in college. Lord knows I slept through all my other classes!!! SNORE! SNORE! SCHOOL'S OUT, TEACHER!
6. V for Vendetta
The original title was DIAL V for Vendetta, but the filmmakers had to change it when people with the phone number "5" complained of receiving numerous prank phone calls. Rumor has it there hasn't been such a phone-number-related controversy this big in film since "867-5309 (Jenny): The Movie" and "The Spine Number on the Thriller Album: The Motion Picture."
7. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
VERY silly! And you know what? I don't think these clowns of the silver screen would have wanted it any other way!!!
8. The Black Dahlia
Hollywood's greatest unsolved crime! I'd ask OJ Simpson to get on the case and find the real killer, but he's probably too busy working on his golf swing (considering OJ's previous behavior and all).
9. Borat
Borat, I got one thing to say to you: "Oh, BEHAVE! Shag-a-delic!"
10. Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
I admit. These two fellas are funny, but I would not - WOULD NOT - want them as guests in my house!!! J.B would probably break everything!!!
11. The Pursuit of Happyness
Call me old-fashioned, but I wish that little boy was computer-animated.
12. Dreamgirls
Hollywood loves its crossovers, soooo... and I'm just thinking out loud here... Dreamgirls Meet the Stars of All-Star Wrestling (WWF)!!! It'd be like the show Celebrity Deathmatch that used to be on MTV.
13. Superman Returns
First, Batman Returns. Then, Superman Returns. What next? Spiderman 3?!!! (EDIT: I found out this is true. If you can believe it, Hollywood's coming out with a Spiderman 3... this very summer!!)
14. Little Miss Sunshine
If I was one of the judges in the beauty pageant, I wouldn't have voted for little Olive's "performance" either. God, if you can even call it a "peformance." This was a wonderful movie until it was marred by such a disastrous (and foolish) choice of music and dance. Olive had such a good shot at winning until she did that! I know she loved her grandpa, but she shouldn't have listened to his advice!!! Period!!!
15. The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Devil. D... E-V-I-L. DEVIL = "EVIL." Think about it.
16. The Queen
Hats off to the movie capturing the mood and times surrounding Princess Di's death... although I must admit I was a little disappointed that they didn't include a scene of how I first heard Princess Di had died (outside Cory Schmitz's house, after I got off work at Hy-Vee).
17. Nacho Libre
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but... I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT OLIVE'S PERFORMANCE IN LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!!! She could have won that beauty competition, but instead, she blew her chances with that tasteless dance! Whatever. I hope she feels okay about losing. There'll be other beauty pageants, I'm sure.
18. The Prestige
Hugh Jackman. Not only did you portray a wizard in this movie, but your performance itself was pure wizardry! Color me a muggle no more!
19. Monster House
A real estate agent's worst nightmare. (Just imagine a real estate agent trying to sell this house)
20. Hollywoodland
That's what Hollywood used to be called.
***Jack Nicholson is like Michael Keaton's character Billy Caufield (obviously). Leonardo DiCaprio IS - without question - Christopher Lloyd's Henry Sikorsky (think about it). Matt Damon and Stephen Furst's Albet Lanuzzi are the same person (literally). And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mark Wahlberg is similar to Peter Boyle's Jack McDermott (boy, I'm gonna' get a lot of letters on that one!).
List will continue in next entry...
1. The Departed
Our greatest living director leads a Dream Team ensemble of actors - and by "Dream Team," I mean a cast that most resembles the characters from 1989's The Dream Team.***
2. Mission: Impossible 3
Your mission. If you choose to accept it. Is to have a great time at the movies! Mission Impossible? Nay. Mission Very Possible!
3. Children of Men
Loved the movie, but I found some of their tie-in merchandise to be a little crass. Children of Men-tos?!!! Loved the candy, but c'mon, Hollywood, not everything is about the almighty dollar!!!
4. Final Destination 3
This was a fun night at the movies - even though I was uncomfortable that a 6 year-old girl sat behind me throughout this very violent, intense movie. I mean, I kept asking her to leave my living room, but she refused! Just kidding. This was at a movie theatre.
5. The Science of Sleep
If there was, in fact, a Science of Sleep... I would have definitely taken a course on it in college. Lord knows I slept through all my other classes!!! SNORE! SNORE! SCHOOL'S OUT, TEACHER!
6. V for Vendetta
The original title was DIAL V for Vendetta, but the filmmakers had to change it when people with the phone number "5" complained of receiving numerous prank phone calls. Rumor has it there hasn't been such a phone-number-related controversy this big in film since "867-5309 (Jenny): The Movie" and "The Spine Number on the Thriller Album: The Motion Picture."
7. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
VERY silly! And you know what? I don't think these clowns of the silver screen would have wanted it any other way!!!
8. The Black Dahlia
Hollywood's greatest unsolved crime! I'd ask OJ Simpson to get on the case and find the real killer, but he's probably too busy working on his golf swing (considering OJ's previous behavior and all).
9. Borat
Borat, I got one thing to say to you: "Oh, BEHAVE! Shag-a-delic!"
10. Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
I admit. These two fellas are funny, but I would not - WOULD NOT - want them as guests in my house!!! J.B would probably break everything!!!
11. The Pursuit of Happyness
Call me old-fashioned, but I wish that little boy was computer-animated.
12. Dreamgirls
Hollywood loves its crossovers, soooo... and I'm just thinking out loud here... Dreamgirls Meet the Stars of All-Star Wrestling (WWF)!!! It'd be like the show Celebrity Deathmatch that used to be on MTV.
13. Superman Returns
First, Batman Returns. Then, Superman Returns. What next? Spiderman 3?!!! (EDIT: I found out this is true. If you can believe it, Hollywood's coming out with a Spiderman 3... this very summer!!)
14. Little Miss Sunshine
If I was one of the judges in the beauty pageant, I wouldn't have voted for little Olive's "performance" either. God, if you can even call it a "peformance." This was a wonderful movie until it was marred by such a disastrous (and foolish) choice of music and dance. Olive had such a good shot at winning until she did that! I know she loved her grandpa, but she shouldn't have listened to his advice!!! Period!!!
15. The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Devil. D... E-V-I-L. DEVIL = "EVIL." Think about it.
16. The Queen
Hats off to the movie capturing the mood and times surrounding Princess Di's death... although I must admit I was a little disappointed that they didn't include a scene of how I first heard Princess Di had died (outside Cory Schmitz's house, after I got off work at Hy-Vee).
17. Nacho Libre
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but... I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT OLIVE'S PERFORMANCE IN LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!!! She could have won that beauty competition, but instead, she blew her chances with that tasteless dance! Whatever. I hope she feels okay about losing. There'll be other beauty pageants, I'm sure.
18. The Prestige
Hugh Jackman. Not only did you portray a wizard in this movie, but your performance itself was pure wizardry! Color me a muggle no more!
19. Monster House
A real estate agent's worst nightmare. (Just imagine a real estate agent trying to sell this house)
20. Hollywoodland
That's what Hollywood used to be called.
***Jack Nicholson is like Michael Keaton's character Billy Caufield (obviously). Leonardo DiCaprio IS - without question - Christopher Lloyd's Henry Sikorsky (think about it). Matt Damon and Stephen Furst's Albet Lanuzzi are the same person (literally). And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mark Wahlberg is similar to Peter Boyle's Jack McDermott (boy, I'm gonna' get a lot of letters on that one!).
List will continue in next entry...
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Lately, I've been re-reading Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live and I came across this great quote from Steve Martin about Gilda Radner. It really sums up Radner's appeal and in general, defines a quality that all my favorite entertainers possess. Thought I'd share it with you:
And then there was Gilda, who was the sweetest, kindest, funniest person. She was so happy on-camera, she had such a happy face on-camera, you really did grow to love her. You understand what it means when people say they "love" a performer, because they're bringing such happiness into their world.
And then there was Gilda, who was the sweetest, kindest, funniest person. She was so happy on-camera, she had such a happy face on-camera, you really did grow to love her. You understand what it means when people say they "love" a performer, because they're bringing such happiness into their world.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Don't ever start a sentence with "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." because 9 times out of 10, anybody who starts a sentence with that is in the wrong. Actually, no. 10 times out of 10. In fact, as soon as I hear "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." I've already decided that you - the person speaking - did something wrong. And I don't even have to hear the full story to know that you were wrong and in no way were you treated unfairly.
I'm not speaking to anyone directly here. I can't even recall anybody using this expression. But I sorta remember a middle-aged guy sulking outside a gas station in Iowa City and as customers entered, he'd stop them and say, "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not... I just wanted a cup of coffee and they threw me out!"
He didn't really say that. Not at all, to be honest. The only reason I remember him saying that is because that's what I EXPECTED him to say this when he stopped me from going into the gas station.
He stopped me to pitch a couple sketches to me. I was doing No Shame Theatre at the time and he had a couple ideas to bounce off of me. I only remember one. It was about a man and a woman in bed ("obviously post-coital," he said) and their talking about each other's orgasms. The woman's angry at the man about his orgasm (why?), so he says, "Hey, I don't complain about your little amusement park you got goin' there." And she - INSULTED! - goes, "My amusement park?! What do you mean, my amusement park?!!!"
Uhhhhh... that's an awesome sketch.
And even though he never said "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." he did say, "obviously post-coital," which my friends and I still quote to this day.
I'm not speaking to anyone directly here. I can't even recall anybody using this expression. But I sorta remember a middle-aged guy sulking outside a gas station in Iowa City and as customers entered, he'd stop them and say, "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not... I just wanted a cup of coffee and they threw me out!"
He didn't really say that. Not at all, to be honest. The only reason I remember him saying that is because that's what I EXPECTED him to say this when he stopped me from going into the gas station.
He stopped me to pitch a couple sketches to me. I was doing No Shame Theatre at the time and he had a couple ideas to bounce off of me. I only remember one. It was about a man and a woman in bed ("obviously post-coital," he said) and their talking about each other's orgasms. The woman's angry at the man about his orgasm (why?), so he says, "Hey, I don't complain about your little amusement park you got goin' there." And she - INSULTED! - goes, "My amusement park?! What do you mean, my amusement park?!!!"
Uhhhhh... that's an awesome sketch.
And even though he never said "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." he did say, "obviously post-coital," which my friends and I still quote to this day.
Friday, December 29, 2006
2006: A Survey For The New Millenium!
Third year of me doing this survey. Off we go!
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I snowboarded. The first two days were really tough, but the last two days were super-fun. This was back in January 2006 and I told myself, "See, Paul, it's good to try new things. Keep it up." It's now December 2006 and snowboarding has remained the only "new thing" I've tried all year. Oh, well. Snowboarding was fun.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I guess "trying new things" was sort of 2006's New Year's Resolution, so... no, I didn't keep that. My resolution for 2007? MORE SNOWBOARDING!!!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year (psssst - I'm murdering all my friends and loved ones)
5. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (21 dollar signs)
6. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory?
April 14, 2006
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Neil and I selling show ideas
8. What was your biggest failure?
Neil and I not getting into the Aspen Comedy Festival.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yet another clean bill of health. My secret? Eating a lot of food that's bad for you and rarely exercising.
10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Earth, Fire, Water, all my Wiccan brothers and sisters
11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Air. Sometimes I wonder why we even praise you every fortnight!
12. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. Not the Broadway musical, but for my apartment... which is located directly underneath the stage for "Rent," the Broadway musical.
13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing and performing
14. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Common People" by Pulp
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier! Paul Rust: Increasingly Happier Since 2000.
b) thinner or fatter?
The same.
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer! Paul Rust: Increasingly Poorer Since 2004.
16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Practicing my magic skills, so I can become a more responsible magician (particularly my skills at making audience volunteers disappear)
17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sending that small child to Magic Land: Level 7 and not being able to bring him back
18. How did you spend Christmas?
Having fun with friends and family in LeMars, Iowa.
19. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope. Did America fall in love with Benji? Definitely!!!
20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
THE BACKSTREET BOYS, N'SYNC, AND ALL THOSE ANNOYING BOY BANDS!!! SOMEBODY STOP THEM!!! PLEASE!!!!
21. What was your favorite TV program?
Stella
22. What was the best book you read?
Do all the Wikipedia entries on Oasis count as "a book?"
23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
"The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. Best album of the year. (Yes, snobs, I'm being serious)
24. What did you want and get?
Sexual intercourse - every single day, 365 days of the year.
25. What did you want and not get?
Acceptance into the "I'm Addicted to My Sex Robot" support group.
26. What was your favorite film of this year?
"The Departed"
27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Celebrated with friends at Chuck E. Cheese, then watched "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." Quarter of a century.
28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know about "immeasurably," but it'd been nice to own a beagle.
29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
"Celtic Pride" (I wear the VHS around my neck on a chain)
30. What kept you sane?
Www.Google.com!
31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Unfortunately, politics weren't discussed much in those Wikipedia entries on Oasis that I read
32. Who did you miss?
Friends and family not living in Los Angeles
33. Who was the best new person you met?
The fellas of Hendershaw
34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Um, I'm just beginning to understand things I learned in 1996.
Third year of me doing this survey. Off we go!
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I snowboarded. The first two days were really tough, but the last two days were super-fun. This was back in January 2006 and I told myself, "See, Paul, it's good to try new things. Keep it up." It's now December 2006 and snowboarding has remained the only "new thing" I've tried all year. Oh, well. Snowboarding was fun.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I guess "trying new things" was sort of 2006's New Year's Resolution, so... no, I didn't keep that. My resolution for 2007? MORE SNOWBOARDING!!!
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year (psssst - I'm murdering all my friends and loved ones)
5. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (21 dollar signs)
6. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory?
April 14, 2006
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Neil and I selling show ideas
8. What was your biggest failure?
Neil and I not getting into the Aspen Comedy Festival.
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yet another clean bill of health. My secret? Eating a lot of food that's bad for you and rarely exercising.
10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Earth, Fire, Water, all my Wiccan brothers and sisters
11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Air. Sometimes I wonder why we even praise you every fortnight!
12. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. Not the Broadway musical, but for my apartment... which is located directly underneath the stage for "Rent," the Broadway musical.
13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing and performing
14. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Common People" by Pulp
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier! Paul Rust: Increasingly Happier Since 2000.
b) thinner or fatter?
The same.
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer! Paul Rust: Increasingly Poorer Since 2004.
16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Practicing my magic skills, so I can become a more responsible magician (particularly my skills at making audience volunteers disappear)
17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sending that small child to Magic Land: Level 7 and not being able to bring him back
18. How did you spend Christmas?
Having fun with friends and family in LeMars, Iowa.
19. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope. Did America fall in love with Benji? Definitely!!!
20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
THE BACKSTREET BOYS, N'SYNC, AND ALL THOSE ANNOYING BOY BANDS!!! SOMEBODY STOP THEM!!! PLEASE!!!!
21. What was your favorite TV program?
Stella
22. What was the best book you read?
Do all the Wikipedia entries on Oasis count as "a book?"
23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
"The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. Best album of the year. (Yes, snobs, I'm being serious)
24. What did you want and get?
Sexual intercourse - every single day, 365 days of the year.
25. What did you want and not get?
Acceptance into the "I'm Addicted to My Sex Robot" support group.
26. What was your favorite film of this year?
"The Departed"
27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Celebrated with friends at Chuck E. Cheese, then watched "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." Quarter of a century.
28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know about "immeasurably," but it'd been nice to own a beagle.
29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
"Celtic Pride" (I wear the VHS around my neck on a chain)
30. What kept you sane?
Www.Google.com!
31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Unfortunately, politics weren't discussed much in those Wikipedia entries on Oasis that I read
32. Who did you miss?
Friends and family not living in Los Angeles
33. Who was the best new person you met?
The fellas of Hendershaw
34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Um, I'm just beginning to understand things I learned in 1996.
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