Rid yourselves of basic cable, dudez. And treat yourself to digital cable.

With digital cable, you're blessed with a plethora of superior networks. "Game Show Network?" Yes. "VH1-Classics?" That, too. "Nickoledeon Games and Sports?" YAAAAY!

I've taken to watching "Nickelodeon Games and Sports." A lot. Pretty much the only thing I watch on TV anymore. 'Round the clock, I can enjoy all the old Nickelodeon game shows that I loved as a kid. Nick Arcade. Get the Picture. And, of course...

Finders Keepers.

Hot shit. I love me some Finders Keepers. For two glorious years ('87-'89), this show graced our airwaves. If you haven't experienced "The Finders," all you need to know is that it's kids tearing up a house. That's it. Sure, it's obstenisbly to find some hidden item, but all that matters is... IT'S KIDS TEARING UP A HOUSE!

That's the initial appeal. But lately I've grown to appreciate other (albeit subtle) details about the show. They are:

1. THE HOST
Finders Keepers' 1st-season host, Wesley Eure, should have never hosted this show. Or any show for that matter. Or even been on television. Never, ever, ever. This man fails at every possible task expected of him. He routinely stumbles over words, creates long gaps of silence, and makes inappropriate comments. Many of them vaguely racist. That said, if a Finders Keepers with the 2nd-season host Larry Toffler comes on, I TURN THAT SHIT OFF!!!

2. THE CONTESTANTS
The contestants' interview portion is incredible. Have you ever wanted to see a kid do his "impression" of "The Big Bopper?" Or how about a girl who says she looks like "Carol Seaver?" You have? Then boy, do I got a show for you. It's called Finders Keepers and it's on "Nickelodeon Games and Sports" at 2am.

3. THE AGONY OF DEFEAT
In what continues to be the worst/best/worst/best/best/worst/best aspect of this program, you get to see kids experience loss. Grand, soul-crushing loss. Unlike the majority of we grown-ups, these children have not yet adopted that magnificent quality known as "REPRESSING YOUR GENUINE EMOTIONS." If a contestant loses in the final round, they have no problems showing their anger, sadness, etc. Watching tantrums ain't just for the toy department in Sears, y'all! Mind you... this is also VERY, VERY DIFFICULT to view. I do not like watching kids face disappointment. Which is funny - because I thought most folks preferred to dredge up those moments from childhood where they had to cope with cruel realities.


Like... Slap Bracelets! Am I right?! Remember "Slap Bracelets?" I love the 80's!

COMEDY 12 STEP
1253 vine street (fountain and vine)
TONIGHT!
8pm and FREE!

host
susan burke

with
PAUL RUST!!!
jessica levith
danforth france
eric moneypenny
chad fogland
pat healy
mike hollingsworth
melinda hill

Last Wednesday, my sterling roommate/cool-dude-friend Adam left Los Angeles to visit Iowa. He'll be there until early June, which means for nearly 6 weeks, I'll have the Robinson Street apartment to myself.

Don't worry, folks. I've taken the proper precautions to living alone. Yes, I have smeared tar on all the stairs in my basement. And of course, I placed glass Christmas decorations next to my windows. And what goes without saying, I released many tarantulas, so I can later place them on burgulars' chests in my most dire need.

Let's just hope that a scary, old man on my block doesn't put me in his barrel of salt and turn me into a mummy.

Do you like these scenarios? Do they sound funny/heartwarming to you? If so, may I suggest renting The Pagemaster? Your family will thank you!

Reminder: I'll try to make you laugh at...

The Comedy Store Belly Room
(8433 Sunset Blvd)
Tuesday, April 19th - 8pm

featuring:
Paul Rust
Laura Carson
John Halecky
Gareth Berrow
Mike Hollingsworth
Rick Mitchell
Danforth France

Remember: you can see me do stand-up at...

THE COMEDY STORE BELLY ROOM
(8433 Sunset Blvd)
Tuesday, April 19th - 8pm
No Cover!

Also, new upcoming shows added at paulrust.com

And finally...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)

Jason Lee was eating at Pink's, a hot dog place on LaBrea. Neil, Ann, and I were at the table next to his. "Mumford?" More like, "Mmmm-food!"

MUSIC SURVEY!!!

1. Of all the bands/artists in your cd/record collection, which one do you own the most albums by?
Frank Black

2. What was the last song you listened to?
"Optimistic" by Radiohead (playing on my car radio)

3. What's in your CD player right now?
Bright Eyes' "I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning"

4. What song would you say sums you up?
"New Hotness (Not Old and Busted)" by James Edwards/Agent J

5. What's your favorite local band?
Jeremiah Cat and The Yammerin' Kitties (playing tonight on some garbage cans outside my bedroom window)

6. What was the last show you attended?
Buster Dawg and the Woofin' Poochies (played last night at Spaceland)

7. What was the greatest show you've ever been to?
Weezer (Council Bluffs, May '97) or this (minus Tuffy Genders)

8. What's the shittiest band you've ever seen in concert?
What a rude question.

9. What band do you love musically but hate the members of?
Band of Brothers

10. What is the most musically involved you have ever been?
A few years ago, I was seriously involved with a trombone, but we rushed into things too fast. Damn shame. We could have been a beautiful thing. I hear she's dating a chord organ now. Good for her. She deserves someone who will be there for her.

11. What show are you looking forward to?
The next Jonathan Richman show that comes to town or this.

12. What is your favorite band shirt?
The Gehlen Jays pep band shirt (LeMars, '93). The letters "J-A-Y-S" are written in musical instruments. Oh, did I say "pep band shirt?" I meant "pep band SHIT."

13. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day?
This guy.

14. What musician would you like to hump for a day?
Dolly Parton - as in "Par-ton me, but can I buy you a drink? I can?! Hot dog!" (note: not responsible for injuries caused while drinking hot dog)

15. Metal question-Jeans and Leather vs. Cracker Jack clothes?
Yes.

16. Sabbath or solo Ozzy?
Ozzy has never been solo! Haven't you seen his eccentric family on the television set? I watch the show because, you know what? It reminds me that my family isn't so weird after all!

17. Commodores or solo Lionel Ritchie?
Richie Rich (his album "Kid-apault Blues" is an overlooked masterpiece)

18. Blackjack or solo Michael Bolton?
Racist.

19. Doesn't Primus suck?
Psst. Primus is totally right behind you.

20. Name 3 flawless albums:
"Brighten the Corners" by Pavement
"Surfer Rosa" by Pixies
"Fables of the Reconstruction" by Jeremiah Cat and The Yammerin' Kitties

21. Did you know that filling out this survey makes you a music geek?
So? I didn't want to go to prom anyway.

22. What was the greatest decade for music?
3040 (Blezek B-390 and Nirvana Part 4 are the new Klembot X-12)

23. How many music-related videos/dvds do you own?
At least 500

24. Do you like Journey?
Don't stop believin' that I really like Journey. In fact, I'll listen to them any way you want it. Just don't make me eat a pizza wheel in the sky.

25. Don't try to pretend you don't!
Man, survey, you sure are sassy! Are you related to David Spade at all?

26. What is your favorite movie soundtrack?
You know? For me, everyday is a movie. And in a way, the people around me are its soundtrack.

27. What was your last musical "phase" before you wisened up?
Back in the early 90's, I was a groupie for Manheim Steamroller. But now I'm totally over them. (call me)

28. What's the crappiest CD/record/etc you've ever bought?
Mendelssohn's Symphony No. 4 "Italian." After that, I threw away all my Mendelssohn posters. (call me)

29. Do you prefer vinyl or CD's?
If "CD" is an abbreviation for "Cool Dude," then... neither. I'd rather stand and die than live and kneel.

It's my birthday today!

I turn 24 years old!

Happy Birthday to me?

Happy Birthday to... YOU!

So, Marty McFly, you've got your taxes done. Good. But have you gotten your annual "comedy sketch featuring Mike Cassady and Paul Rust" done yet? If not, we'll make it easy on you. Just come to:

GARAGE COMEDY
Monday April 11th - 8pm
@ EL CID (4212 Sunset Blvd)
FREE

Hosted by Val Myers & Kulap Vilaysack

Featuring:
Paul Rust and Mike Cassady
Brendon Small
FAT FX (Wagner & Lee)
Stephen Brophy & Janet Varney
Melinda Hill & Kim Albotin
Baby Hungry
Pat Healy & Josh Fadem
Jessica Levith
a short film by Kevin Kataoka
& Paul Goebel "The King of TV"

For more info, visit garagecomedy.com

I made a quiz about me. You can take it. Here it is:

Know Your Rust!

If I owned a dog...

THE TOP THREE DOGGIES I WOULD WANT

1. BEAGLE

Adorable!

First and fur-most, I want a beagle! Like Snoopy. Not exactly like Snoopy though. Because admit it, Mr. Schulz, your beagle don't look like no beagle! My beagle, however, would sleep on his back on a red doghouse and have a scuzzy cousin. Peanuts.

2. LABRADOR RETRIEVER


A Mother Is Always At Work

Labrador Retrievers are like ice cream. They come in "chocolate," "black," and "yellow." Oh, and "strawberry." As a young boy in Iowa, I grew up with labrador retreievers. First, Joe. Then, Lucky. And finally, the immaculate Molly. Because of their influence on my young life, I would still like to own a labrador retriever. It's kinda like how I continue to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch and watch Saved by the Bell. Do you remember Balki? I love the 80's! Peanuts!

3. Porkchop

I Love the Early 90's as Well!

I also want my own "Porkchop" from the popular Nickeloden cartoon (seen above). We would get into adventures and HAVE FUN!!! I would demand, however, he not wear that dorky green sweater or those brown shorts. He'd also have to leave behind that weird, blue/gray thing that's always following him around. PeanutZ!


I will not, however, be owning a dog anytime soon. They are too expensive. Besides, who wants a dog when you can have one of these... ?




Eat Your Heart Out, Snoopy!

April Fool's!

...Day

Sucker! The cable guy totally DID come yesterday. He did NOT have to cancel. Ha-ha-ha. Gotcha! How does it feel to be punk'd/punked/p'nkd/practical jok'd?

For all those of you who are crying right now... many apologies. But that's what happens when you read the blog of... THE MASTER OF DISASTER!

If you enjoy jokes like this, make sure to check out my "hilarious, ground-breaking stand-up routine"*** at...

M-Spot
@ The M-Bar
(1253 Vine St)
Monday, April 4th - 8:30pm
w/ Paul F. Tompkins, Michelle Biloon, Wayne Federman, Jen's Revenge, and Kirk Zipfel

*** (source: Practical Jok'd Weekly)

Hmpf. The cable guy was supposed to come today and change our basic, ordinary cable to the revolutionary DIGITAL CABLE. But he cancelled and is coming tomorrow instead. Eh.

In other news...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)

At Monday's Channel 101 show, I saw our generation's Williams and Ree ( known better as Michael Colton and John Aboud) (known better as "The Modern Humorist" guys on VH1's Best Week Ever). They were at the bar. Ordering drinks, I think.

Jack Black was also in attendance. That was pretty cool. I saw him chatting with folks - no doubt about the upcoming King Kong movie. As well as the upcoming untitled Airborne sequel.

"How often does this once-in-a-lifetime wave come along?" - Mitchell (Shane McDermott), Airborne (1993)

You guys familiar with Quick Text? If you own a cellular phone, you probably are. If you don't, right now, you're screaming, "What the shit is Quick Text?!!!!" Calm down, Brian Kessler. I'll tell you.

"Quick Text" is an option on your cellular phone's text-messaging service. It's a list of pre-programmed TEXT messages that you can QUICKly access. Quick Text. Ah-ha.

Let's say, for instance, you wanted to meet a friend, but you're too busy to type out a text message (i.e. stuck in that important meeting at Cyberdyne). No worries, Timon and Pumba. Just use Quick Text message #2: "Let's meet." Problem solved. Crisis resolved. Hot Pocket eaten. Cheese and meatballs again? Awww, mom!

So, a couple days ago, I was looking through all 12 of my Quick Text messages. They're fairly standard and include the following:

1. What's up?
2. Let's meet.
3. Take a hike.
4. Check this out!
5. Whatcha doin?
6. This is for dinner.
7. What do you think?
8. Can you see me now?
9. Come home and get it.
10. _____________
11. You gotta be here to enjoy this.
12. Would like to join for date tonight?

Oops. Did I forget to write down message #10? Huh. My mistake. I guess I'll write it down... right... now!

10. Can't live like this here.

Holy shit. Holy. Shit. What depressed, suicidal Verizon employee snuck in this desperate cry-for-help? I mean, I'm sure working for the Verizon coporation can be a dehumanizing, soul-crushing experience, but... easy there, fella.

If the guy who wrote Quick Text message #12 is reading this, let's, y'know, hang out sometime. We can rent a movie. Or maybe go bowling. We don't have to talk about the heavy stuff. It'd just be good to get out and have some fun, right? Of course, if you want to talk about the heavy stuff, that's cool, too. It's your day, buddy.

Quick Text message #13: We all care for you very much, Verizon Quick Text guy.

Hey, dudez!

Travel across the far reaches of cyberspace and visit paulrust.com. I announced some new, upcoming performance dates.

And oh, there's a new song for you. Put it on a mix CD for your parents.

Remember the Alamo!

No. Seriously, guys. Remember the Alamo? And Balki? And those California Raisins? Weren't the 80's weird?!

Ah, yes. The 80's. We danced along with those California Raisins. We strangled Balki behind a Hardee's in South Dakota. But sadly, we never stepped foot in the Alamo.

Or at least, I haven't. Probably still won't either. Even though I'm an hour-and-a-half away from San Antonio.

Cuz you see, right now, I'm visiting my friend Louise in Austin, Texas.

It's been fun. Over the past couple days, we've gone to a German village called Frederichsburg (reubens!), attended a screening of Taxi Driver (bloodshed!), and got caught in an honest-to-goodness rainstorm (God's bloodshed!).

This evening, we spent our time at the Alamo Drafthouse, a movie theatre where you can eat dinner (reubens!) and watch movies at the same time. We were treated to a screening of Weird Science - including a Q&A with actor Ilan Mitchell-Smith who so-famously portrayed "Wyatt."

Apparently, it's not just we humans who are attracted to hot food, former child stars, and the screen debuts of Wallace Langham. 3/4 into the movie, a giant, guinea-pig-sized rat scurried across our table. I spotted it first. Louise confirmed it. For the rest of the movie, we cowered in fear - feet on our seats, arms at our side.

What would you do if a rat scurried across your table during Weird Science?

This Easter, folks, make sure to take some time out and ask yourself that question:

W.W.Y.D.I.A.R.S.A.Y.T.D.W.S.?

There's a reason, ladies and gentlemen, why we refer to celebrities as "stars." Like those burning balls of gas and heat, celebrities also provide light and guidance as we stumble blindly through the dark.

Who knows, for instance, if I would have choked on my pepperoni pizza in La Piaza at The Grove... if the guiding force of Chris Rock wasn't surrounding me (as he ate lunch with his family across the restaurant)?

Perhaps, moments later outside La Piaza, I would have tripped on a loose cobblestone and broken my neck... if not for MadTV's Michael McDonald enjoying lunch himself on the patio?

Certainly, I would have been hit by a speeding automobile in the M-Bar parking lot... if Numbers star David Krumholtz wasn't protecting me (as he drove by in his own car).

And without question, my heart would have exploded inside my chest, killing me instantly... without the saving grace of Jackie Brown's Robert Forster in the "Groundlings" Sunday show audience. He did, however, give me a nasty case of "the vapors." Moms agree!

And that, folks, is four new additions to...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)

So, yeah... a long break between blogs. My apologies. I've been bizz-y as a bee. Performance events kept my hands full. Plus, friends visited from outta' town.

Last Friday, the aforementioned friends and I (8 of us!) experienced Universal Studios. It was, of course, awesome. It was the 5th time I've gone since October and it still remains a fun time. Next time you're in Los Angeles, do yourself a favor and let this bastard (me) take you.

And what can you find at Universal Studios? Well...

1. Back to the Future: The Ride
Dinosaurs. We all want to be eaten by one. Well, this classic motion-ride from the early 1990's lets you do just that. Plus, you get to see actor Thomas F. Wilson ("Biff") wear an obscene amount of eye make-up. Not just in the video introduction. He personally greets you at the theme park.

2. The Universal Studios Tour
Sure, Jaws jumping out of the water is cool. And yeah, King Kong shaking a bridge is neat, too. But you'll be crapping your pants and throwing up food when you see Jessica Fletcher's Murder, She Wrote house. A real treat.

3. Revenge of the Mummy
Eternal death was never so much fun. (dear, loved ones: make sure the preceeding statement is my epitaph)

4. Jurassic Park Riverboat Round-up
Contrary to popular belief, two li'l dinosaurs fighting over a box of popcorn is not cute. It's terrifying. Okay, maybe it's a little cute. Alright. Very cute. Call me!

5. Special Effects Show
Jake and B-max received the special honor of appearing in this behind-the-scenes (or behind-the-screams in some cases) demonstration. B-max was chained to a wall. Jake told Seabisquit to run faster. If only they had done this during the show instead of beforehand in the parking lot. (And yes, I realize this is the same joke as my earlier one about Thomas F. Wilson greeting you at Universal Studios. Find it in your heart to forgive me)

6. Terminator 2: 3-D
Mathematical fact: "Terminator 2" + "3-D" = High 5's for everyone! (in a spirtual sense)

7. Animal Planet Show
Normally, this spectacular 15-minute show is held outdoors, but inclimate weather forced it inside and shortened it to 8 minutes. Fortunately, the best sight-gag was left intact. I will not, however, tell you what it is. Fly out to Los Angeles and see it for yourself. Because you haven't lived until you've seen an orangantan demand her bra back. Um. I mean, you haven't lived until you've seen a not-orangantan not-demand her not-bra. Whew. Close one.

8. Van Helsing Haunted Castle
Seriously, people. It's not that scary. I literally had to drag all my scaredy-cat friends through the entire castle. Thank god, I'm the brave one around here. (NOTE: The author reserves the right to lie, not admit his own cowardice, and/or deny the fact that he was hiding behind his friends the entire time - clutching their bodies and repeating over and over, "Why do I keep doing this? I hate this, I hate this.")

All in all, a wonderful day. Plus, Ellen got hit on by Beetlejuice. Which was funny. And weird. More weird than funny. Actually, just weird.

Whatever the case, it was great seeing old friends again. If only for a week.

Speaking of seeing old friends, I spotted FOUR CELEBRITIES over the last few days. They will be the subjects of my next post. You are dying to know! (literally, not figuratively)

Sorry, blog-readers. I've been very busy this week.

I will have a more interesting entry soon.

Until then, take care of yourself.

T.C.O.Y.!

FREE SKETCH COMEDY featuring: Neil Campbell, Michael Cassady, Paul Rust, Chris Stangl, and Emily Yoshida!

With opening act, Machu Picchu!

One night only! For total free! Call 323-856-0036 to make a reservation!

www.fireballdeluxe.com

On Sunday, I won't be performing at this...



But I will be performing at this...



Your Friend,
Paul

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)

Word of warning: do not eat at Chi Dynasty on Hillhurst. We all went there for Adam's birthday dinner. And we found a booger in our food.

Just kidding!

We found a "Booger" in our food.

Juuuuust kiddddiiiing!

We found Curtis Armstrong (AKA "Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation)... in our food. He was big and green and slimey. And he came from Andrew Cassese's nose.

Boogers!

EXTRA! EXTRA!

Now announcing... the brandest-newest...

OFFICIAL PAUL RUST WEBPAGE

It's got a whole bunch of goodies: videos, music, writing. And more to come. So stay indoors and spend a weekday with it, will you?

Major, major thanks go to my buddy John Henry Muller who designed the site. I am also in debt to my other buddy, Adam Pash, who so graciously helped me upload the video.


ALSO COOL...

My third buddy Rick Herbst was featured in this Sunday's New York Times. If that link don't work, here's a reprint. Way to go, Ricky!


AND FINALLY...

Check the web-counter (on the right). If you are the 20,000th visitor to my blog, you MUST sign my guestbook. For once, stand up for you rights.

UPCOMING PAUL RUST STUFF...

GARAGE COMEDY
Monday, March 7th - 8:30pm
@ Fancyland
(4212 Santa Monica Blvd.)
Garage Comedy

SIT-N-SPIN
Thursday, March 10th - 8pm
@ Comedy Central Stage
(6539 Santa Monica Boulevard)
Comedy Central and Sit-'n-Spin

THE PRETTY OKAY HO-HUM SPECTACULAR ON ICE
Sunday, March 13th - 8pm
Ramada Inn
(1160 N. Vermont Ave)
The Pretty Okay Ho-Hum Spectacular On Ice

FIREBALL DELUXE
Wednesday, March 16th - 8pm
M-Bar
(1253 Vine St)
Fireball Deluxe


IN OTHER NEWS...

Today is the last day of my freelance job at the Encino office.

A last day of work feels like a last day of school. Soon, my supervisors will enter the room, give me a bucket of soapy water, and tell me to wash out my locker.

Halfway through, I'll slice my index finger on the metal edge and bleed for minutes without noticing. I may even accidentally bleed into the bucket of soapy water.

Not for sure though. Can't remember. I'll have to ask Mrs. Moir.

Have you ever been on the computer? Of course you have! What am I saying?

Have you ever been on the INTERNET? Wait. Obviously.

Alright, alright. So you've been on a computer. AND on the internet.

BUT have you ever had to enter a password on the computer/internet?

You have? Good. Then this will make more sense to you.

So I bet you've made the mistake of writing your password... in a field that wasn't meant for it. So when you look up at the monitor, you see your very-private password in the clear-blue open. No asteriks! Yikes!

It is very unsettling, isn't it?

Almost makes me feel naked.

In fact, I feel even more naked since my password is a picture of my penis.

Ring the bells! Fire the pistols! Raise the flag!

Amy Rust and Scott Ferguson are engaged to be married!

My sister and her kind-hearted beau will "tie up the knots" in August of this year. The "Chicken Dance" will be played on a continuous loop at their reception.

As expected, both families welcome this most-splendid occasion. The Rusts dig Scott. The Fergusons dig Amy. It will be a match made in heaven (if we are able to reserve a space in time).

No word on who the ring-bearer will be. May I suggest R2-D2? He'd look adorable in a bow-tie and cumberbun. C-3P0 can serve the wedding cake.

All kidding aside, I'm really happy for Amy and Scott. I mean, those two knuckle-heads deserve each other! Gadda, gadda, gadda! Fart!

And one for the road...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)

I saw Ben Stiller's mom sitting outside the M-Bar.

We all know that "April showers bring May flowers." But why is it that only these two successive months have a time-worned phrase attached to them? Well, as the silver screen's Chain Capane once said, "Not for long, man!"

In other words, I've made up my own.

1. May day baskets... bring June caskets.
2. June vacations... bring July menstruations.
3. July independence... brings August KTIV anchorman Larry Wentz.
4. August heat... brings September wheat (source: "Farmers' Almanac 1998").
5. September girls... do so much!
6. October ghouls... bring November elegant jewels!
7. November feasts... bring October beasts!
8. December boys... got it bad!
9. January showers... bring February flowers.
10. February hearts... bring in da' noize, bring in da' funk!

And yes, this will be my official submission for "Joke-Writers' Contest 2005."

Look at this, too:

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)

One week after seeing his "Mr. Show" laff-partner David Cross in Los Feliz, I spy Bob Odenkirk in Hollywood. Who's next? John Madden?!

On Friday, I saw Mike White walking down Melrose with two friends. Myself? I was accompanied by only one friend. You've beat me again, White!

On my way to work, I was listening to a soft-rock radio station, which boasted that they play music "everyone at work can agree on."

This, of course, is:

A) not true

B) something that carries the potential to create uncomfortable situations in the workplace. Cuz you know there's some asshole in an office who demands that the radio be tuned to his favorite soft-rock station (even when co-workers vocalize their dissatisfaction). So everytime the radio brags that they play music "everyone at work can agree on," there's a pregnant pause amongst all the co-workers as they're reminded that THIS IS NOT SO.

And oh... the asshole feels kind of bad because he knows everybody's mad at him.

Takin' care of business!

The world of science has taught us only one thing:

Experiments learn us more!

Without experiments, Mr. Edison would have never invented his famed lighted-bulb. Mr. Rutherford would have never uncovered those sub-atoms. And old Mr. Mendel would have never had sex with those pea-plants.

Similarily (and in fact, better-ly), me and my fellow scientists (Dr. Kessler, Dr. Pash, Dr. Stangl, and Dr. Yoshida) conducted our famous "HOT-BROWN EXPERIMENT" last Saturday night.

The question at hand: What would Coca-Cola Classic taste like if you heated it up?

We - in our fearless pursuit for scientific knowledge - put a mug of Coke in the microwave and heated that sunuvabitch for 2 minutes. Then we drank it.

The result?

It tasted like Coke you leave in your car on a hot summer day.

Aw, yes, but what is SCIENCE doing for YOU?

While attending "The Pretty Okay Ho-Hum Spectacular on Ice" sketch-comedy show last Thursday, a certain movie-star was sitting behind me... KISSING A LADY! Frequently. To the point that it could be considered "making out" or "giving time."

And who was this Los Angeles Lothario?

Steve Guttenberg! Celebrity Sighted #19!

Two hours later, I go to a par-tay with Neilerdude and Annabelle. And guess who was havin' a drink and sharin' laughs?

Now, seriously. Hold on to your ghost-butts. Because this is inarguably the best celebrity sighting yet...

Ready?

BOB SAGET! Yay!

Sadly, I did not ask either man what it's like to raise daughters with two other bachelors in a house/apartment loft.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)

Last night, I saw David Cross (the "David" of "Mr. Show with Bob and David") entering the Cantina bar on Sunset Boulevard.

SIDENOTE:
I really like the name John, but if I had a son, I couldn't name him that. Because "John Rust" sounds too much like "genre." So anytime I stood on the front porch and yelled out my son's full name (for him to come to dinner, of course), some neighbor would respond, "Crime documentary!"

Because y'know, if you yell out a category, people automatically yell out what can be filed under it.

"FOOD!"
"... Banana."

"NATIONAL MONUMENTS!"
"... Mount Rushmore."

"PAUL'S NICKNAMES!"
"... Pauly Dangerfield."

Goddamn. Why hasn't anybody gotten on this "Pauly Dangerfield" bandwagon yet? I'm very disappointed in all of you.

A MESSAGE TO ALL "SINGLES" ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY

Yes. We are all aware that you are single.

Yes. We recognize you not will be receiving flowers/candies/sex today.

Yes. We acknoweldge that you regard St. Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark sham."

Now, please... shut your party-pooping mouth. People are in love and you should be happy for them.

In a desolate world where folks cut each other off in traffic, budge in movie theatre lines, and kill one another in big, stupid wars... you should rejoice that two people are able to spoon on a couch, watching "Roseanne" together.

Yes. Like you, I am single on Valentine's Day, but to paraphrase The Zombies' "Friends of Mine"...

"It feels so good to know people so in love."

With that said... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY!

This afternoon, Adam and I went to Venice Beach.

HIGHLIGHTS:

1. Witnessing the World Championship Grilled Cheese Eating Contest
a) featuring free Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper for everyone!
b) before the contest, a girl in the audience - presumably excited for the upcoming event - yelled out, "Grilled cheese!"
c) the winner was a 100-pound girl from Virginia. She's ranked #2 in the world after this fella.

2.Watching a street performer shoot fireballs from his mouth and balance a girl-in-a-chair on his chin

3. ... I urge you to go to Venice Beach and have your own adventure. If you do not live in the greater Los Angeles are, then go outside and have some FUN! There's a whole world of excitement out there waiting for you! Goodbye, friends!

Waiting in line for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I take a gander at the long line of people and think to myself, "Hm. Subway's pretty popular."

But why? Why is Subway (TM) so popular?

Yes, the sandwiches are tasty. Yes, it is affordably priced. And yes, the old-timey newspaper wallpaper is fun to read while you're eating with friends. Yes, yes, yes.

But why - deep down - is Subway (TM) so popular?

"Peoples gotta' eat," I think to myself. 'Tis true, Pauly Dangerfield. Peoples do got to eat.

So my mind begins to wander. I think, "And furthermore, to a greater extent, that's why restaurants in general are popular, Paul. Eating establishments fulfill humans' basic need to eat. Consequently, Subway - in addition to McDonald's, Wendy's, Susie's Deli, etc. - are making fortunes because people NEED TO EAT."

And that's when I think to myself: "I could make billions."

So, right then and there, waiting for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I begin - in complete seriousness - brainstorming various human needs and how I can meet them through my own business (AKA "How I Made My First Million").

"How about sleeping? People need places to sleep, right? Oh, damn. Right. Hotels. Hotels already do that."

I continue...

"How about staying warm? People need to stay warm, right? Shit. Right. Clothes."

That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly was working under the assumption that... OUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS HAD GONE UNFULFILLED FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS. What a dope.

STUDENT: (clearing throat) But, Professor Rust?

ME: Yes. You there. In the orange sweater vest and wire-rimmed glasses.

STUDENT: With all due respect, sir, what about... love?

ME: Excuse me?

STUDENT: Love. After all these years, sir, do we not struggle to fulfill our basic human need for love?

ME: ... You. You, boy. You are the instructor now. And I? I am the student.


In related news, did you know they quit giving out stamps at Subway (TM)? How else am I gonna' get me a free meatball sub?!

This world is a gigantic world... filled with many people and many, many animals (i.e. giraffes, pigeons, cougars). Scientists have estimated that there are over 600 billion people on planet Earth alone. And that's not even taking in account our friends who live on the moon and underwater ("mooners" and "underwaters" as they're typically called).

And yet, despite the many people who surround us, loneleiness still persists in this world. "Ah, look at all the lonely people," George Strait so famously sang in "Eleanor Rigby." Indeed, this is a sentiment which millions agree with to this day (as evidenced by "Eleanor Rigby" remaining at #1 on the Billboard charts for the past 39 years).

Yes, Mr. Strait, humans get lonely on planet earth. Mothers sit at home, gazing at framed photos of their sons in track-and-field uniforms. Children invent imaginary friends with names like "Gooby," "Rainbow," and "Keith." Korean businessmen sit in empty movie theatres, watching "Hitch" on Valentine's Day.

Folks move through this heavy world - glass-eyed and pale - wondering: When - oh, when - will I find a friend?

Well, lonely-hearts, I'll tell you! Cuz I got friends. Loads of 'em. Boat-loads. And although I can't tell you WHEN or HOW you'll MAKE a friend, I can give you the tell-tale signs that you've MADE a friend.

1. THE DUBIOUS GAZE
Let's say somebody's acting dumb. Real stupid. I'm talkin' about a #1, Grade-A Jackass! You're thinking to yourself, "Goddamn! I hate this person! Kill me already!" So you roll your eyes and right then, you catch another person in your sight. They are staring at you and giving you THE DUBIOUS GAZE (as in "Hey, get a load of this #1, Grade-A Jackass who's talking to us!") That's right! They hate this asshole just as much as you! And they're showing it with THE DUBIOUS GAZE! You've connected over your mutual dislike for something. Say, mister, I think you've just made a friend!

2. "YOU'LL LIKE THIS!"
This is another sure-fire sign that you've made a buddy. You come across some item (perhaps a TV show, a movie, a painting) and you think to yourself, "Boy, oh, boy! I bet _______ would love this!" As in: "Michele would love this article about Charlie Brown in The New Yorker" or "Rick would love this 'Hello Larry' theme song!" And then you share it with them. It's common interests and sharing put together in one package! And that's a very beautiful thing, my bloggies.

Um, that's it. Call a buddy today and tell them how happy they make you.

I started a new logging job last Tuesday. I work in a big, mirrored building on Ventura. The office is new and it's clean and we get free bagels on Wednesdays and Fridays. All is well in the world.

Through the window in the logging room, I see two large billboards. One's for "Mountain High" (southern California's closest winter resort) and the other's for "Coors Light" (it's beer that you can drink).

Over the weekend, they changed the "Coors Light" billboard while I was away. Before, the Coors Light can was a silver bullet. Now, it's a bottle whose top smokes like a gun. Somewhere, a werewolf is dying.

I think Van Helsing owns stock in Coors Light.

And Indiana Jones has money in Shell Oil.

And Robocop bought a fish sandwich at Burger King.

Which was ice-cold. His friends urged him to get a refund, but Robocop shrugged (in his usual state of resignation) and said, "Maybe Rococop deserves this. I did kill all those people, after all."

THIS DAY IN HISTORY - FEBRUARY 3RD!

1998: Stamps commemorating Princess Diana go on sale across Britain
- Later, it was discovered that these stamps could work as legal tender at participating Arby's restaurants. I got two beef-n-cheddars with my Dianas!

1994: President Bill Clinton lifts US trade embargo against Vietnam
- My Vietnamese pen-pal and I were finally able to trade baseball cards. I got an Ozzie Smith for my Kirby Puckett!

1982: John Sharples of England finishes disco dancing 371 hours
- I heard Mr. Sharples got really sick after dancing so much. He suffered exhaustion and had an intense fever... disco fever, that is! He had it! Disco fever! It was inside him! It almost killed him!

1974: "Pajama Game" closes at Lunt Fontanne Theater NYC after 65 performances
- I still have my Playbill (IN THE GARBAGE!)

1951: Dick Button wins US skating title for 6th time
- His biggest competitor? Vagina Zipper.

1916: Canada's original Parliament building, in Ottawa, burns down
- Frat Party gone awry.

1864: Sherman's march through Georgia
- People from all over "The Peach State" gathered to meet their favorite star of TV's "Amen."

1488: Bartholomeus Diaz discovers Mosselbaai (Angra dos Vaqueros)
- There's Something About Bartholomeus!

Okay, okay. Quit laughing, folks. You don't want to get in trouble at work.

Ever since last Sunday, I've felt like I'm in Junior High.

Mind you: it has nothing to do with the situations in my life. It's not as if I've begun doodling pictures of Kurt Cobain on the back of my spriral notebooks again.

And it has nothing to do with people either. No one is resembling Gehlen Catholic Junior High's Mr. Fox (although my friend Neil - just like that beloved science teacher - has challenged me to find a male calico cat for extra credit points).

Nor have I been engaging in popular-culture materials from that time period either. There's not one single copy of "The Hatchet" in my apartment and I haven't listened to the "Angus" soundtrack in weeks. Weeks!

No. This is entirely based on moods and smells and environments and those intangible feelings in my stomach. Gah. I haven't felt like this since 1995.

Maybe I accidentially travelled back in time and haven't realized it yet.

Speaking of time travel, Adam, Chris, Emily, and I are going to a screening of "Back to the Future" tonight. Screenwriter Bob Gale will be introducing the film.

I'd like to have Mr. Gale autograph my hover-board, but unfortunately, it's in the shop. I'm getting it fixed because I got it all wet. Apparently, hover-boards don't work on water... unless you got power!

P.R.

These two letters, ladies and gentle-mints, are my initials. The "R" is for "Rust" and the "P," of course, is for "Pauly Dangerfield."

But what else does "P.R." stand for? And more importantly, how does it relate to my overall personality?

Most commonly, P.R. stands for "Public Relations." True to my initials, I engage in a "public relations"-like attitude when I'm onstage performing. For it is here where I PUBLICALLY RELATE with the audience. I share jokes (AKA "laffers") and to a greater extent, my all-encompassing wisdom (AKA "laffer-taffers").

Second most commonly, P.R. stands for "Punk Rock." THIS IS WHERE MY NAME MOST MATCHES MY INITIALS! FOR SERIOUS!!! I am at my most punk rock when I employ another set of initials: D.I.Y. (AKA "Do It Yourself").

NOTE: It is also "Punk Rock" to incorrectly refer to abbreviations as a "set of initials."

Finally, if you take my full name, Paul Robert Rust, you get the initials... P.R.R. This, as we all know, is the sound a kitty makes when it is satisfied. Purrrrr. It is also linked with sexiness (i.e. people on TV make purring sounds when they want to kiss each other... or so is my understanding). CORRECTION! THIS IS WHERE MY NAME MOST MATCHES MY INITIALS! Not only am I a satisfied cat, but I'm also very, very, very sexy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my pictures taken for a photo-spread in Play-cat (feline variation on Playboy). And Cat-house (feline variation on Penthouse). And Cat-cat (feline variation on Playgirl).

Seacrest... Meow-t!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)

Blah, blah, blah. I saw Jay Leno on Melrose Ave., doing one of his "Jaywalking" bits. But there's more important things to discuss!

Such as...

So, I haven't watched an episode of Murphy Brown in 11 years, right?

To be sure, I watched the series religiously during its' hey-day - far more than any young pre-teen boy actually should. While most guys in the fifth grade were watching professional football games, I spent my Monday evenings with a D.C. career gal.

I also read a lot of "Cathy." Lots and lots of "Cathy."

Still, I haven't watched Murphy Brown in over a decade.

So can someone please explain to me why - no less than an hour ago - I sat and watched the last episode of Murphy Brown on Nick at Nite... and cried my eyes out?

My guess? It was the absence of Miles Silverberg. That old, nebbish Miles Silverberg. We will miss you, dear friend.

Check it out. A friend emailed me about this.

Whoever can link me and Dennis Haskins in the fewest amount of jumps, sign my guestbook with the proof and you'll get special recognition in a future blog entry.

It was Sunday the 23rd!

Me and my friends/buddies/partners-in-rhyme were in the apartment, eating KFC (formerly known as Kentucky Fried Chicken) (formerly known as Greasy Fat Bones Will Kill You).

I wanted some mashed-potatoes-'n-gravy as a side, so as can be expected, I:

1) Made room for it on my plate
2) Opened up the styrofoam container
3) And naturally... I stuck a pen into the mashed potatoes.

Pen?! Mashed potatoes?! WHAT?!

Apparently, since the pen was the same color as the KFC silverware, I thought it could serve the same purpose.

As a result, I had mashed potatoes all over my favorite pen.


... Hmm. Does this constitute as a "story?" You decide, America.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)

For those unwise souls who scoff at the ancient philosophy of "yin yang-ology," look no further than The Celebrity Sighted List for indisputable proof.

Case in point: The Heavy Metal Coin.

On one side of the coin, Joe Elliot - lead singer of 1980's metal-goes-pop band Def Leppard - who I spotted at Target on January 2nd.

On the other side of the coin, Glenn Danzig - lead singer of 1980's metal-goes-wolf band Danzig - who I spotted outside his Franklin Ave. mansion on January 22nd.

You take the good, you take the bad. You take the bubblegum, you take the chewed-up steak.

Um, what's that I hear? Oh, it's YOU putting down $17 for a Yin-Yang t-shirt on Ebay. I have made you a true believer!

And yes, girls, Danzig was wearing a black-leather vest.

So when Charles Manson and his followers murdered people, they scrawled "Helter Skelter" on the walls with blood, right?

Now morally, I don't agree with the killing, but musically... I can understand the use of "Helter Skelter." It's loud and it's scary and it's boogeyman-ish.

But if you think about it... that song was only a year old when the murders took place.

I dunno. Seems kind of rushed, y'know? Or too late? Lame, in any case.

It'd be like if I murdered people and wrote "Hey Ya!" on the walls in blood.

And it'd be in January. And I'd be wearing a Santa hat.

It was 6:30pm in Sherman Oaks and I had a half-hour to kill before worktime.

So I went to the Westfield Mall and browsed around.

Mostly clothing stores. No music shops. And their only book store was the size of an airport's. Bor-ing.

At least it explains why everyone in Sherman Oaks wears big fur coats and doesn't recognize Richard Marx and Norman Mailer when they see 'em on the street.

So I decided to leave Westfield Mall.

On the elevator to the ground floor, I was accompanied by a woman in her early forties. She carried two massive bags and was talking on her cell phone. I had nothing to do, so I eavesdropped on her conversation. Don't judge me!

Based on my brilliant spy-work, I gleaned that... her son was at a friend's, chicken was for dinner, and she...

Was walking down the street.

At least, that's what she said. Although clearly, she was riding an elevator with yours truly at the Westfield Mall. Hm.

Why was she lying? Much more importantly: why was she lying in front of me?

I may not have answers to these questions, but her lying guaranteed one thing...

I bet she was a politician!

Or a lawyer.

Or my teenage daughter.

Take your pick.

My guess for M.J.'s Favorite Horror Movie

As what seems to be a new national pastime, my fellow co-workers and I were trying to out-gross one another with lurid Michael Jackson rumors.

After the grossest tidbit was told (involving a nude Michael Jackson and his favorite horror movie), we all resumed our work.

One co-worker, however, wanted the salacious tales to continue.

"I want to talk about Michael more," he said.

To which I replied...

"So what'd you think about Fahrenheit 9/11?"

I am the new genius of modern comedy.

Riding the escalator between the upper and lower levels of Universal Studios, I see a stranger 20 feet behind me. He's wearing one of those vests. Y'know... the padded, puffy kind that were popular in the 1980's?

So I do the only thing I can do...

I turn to my friends and whisper, "Get a load of this guy's life preserver. Dork thinks he's gonna' drown."

My companions laugh, of course, because: A) it's funny and B) they know I'm quoting one of Biff's henchmen in Back to the Future. To boot, I mimic the appropriate accompanying hand gestures (i.e. "smack-fist" and "slow-reveal") as well.

So we all look back and secretly admire/ridicule this guy's padded, puffy 80's vest and are just about to go on with our evening when...

we gradually realize that...

Huh.

This guy's also wearing a blue jean jacket underneath that puffy, orange vest. Funny. That's the same dress combination that Marty McFly wore in Back to the Future. Hmm.

Coincidence?

Jumping gigawatts, no! This guy's also sporting a Back to the Future t-shirt (complete with offical logo and cool DeLorean graphic).

If that wasn't enough, the entire situation crystalizes (and becomes horrifyingly clear) when we see this guy get off the escalator and walk right by the Back to the Future Ride.

That's right. That very morning, this guy dressed up in those threads, came to Universal Studios, and rode the Back to the Future ride - just so he could be like Marty McFly, his favorite movie character/personal hero/sacred idol.

'Cuz, y'know... throughout the entire movie, Marty McFly's wearing a t-shirt that says Back to the Future on it.

(And no, he wasn't an employee of Universal Studios dressed up as a character either. This guy was too tall, too lantern-jawed, and too BLONDE to be a look-alike for Michael J. Fox)

Anyway... this guy was pathetic. I mean, how delusional can you get? What a loser.

... Five seconds later, all of us are talking about what movie character we want to dress up like.

Gawd, Paul. Lately, All Your Blog Entries Are Lists.

So far, I've seen 41 movies that were released in the year 2004. I've ranked them for you (from b-b-b-bad to yay!).

Click the links for more info.

41. Catwoman
40. Twisted
39. Secret Window
38. Club Dread
37. Saw
36. White Chicks
35. Dodgeball
34. Sleepover
33. The Passion of the Christ
32. The Village
31. Garfield: The Movie
30. 50 First Dates
29. Starsky and Hutch
28. Farenheit 9/11
27. Kinsey
26. The Polar Express
25. Meet the Fockers
24. Troy
23. Hero
22. The Ladykillers
21. The Aviator
20. Dawn of the Dead
19. Shrek 2
18. The Brown Bunny
17. The Day After Tomorrow
16. Mean Girls
15. Team America: World Police
14. Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
13. The Manchurian Candidate
12. I, Robot
11. Collateral
10. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
9. The Terminal
8. Spiderman 2: Mystery of the White Stallions
7. I Heart Huckabee's
6. Kill Bill, Vol. 2
5. Sideways
4. The Incredibles
3. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
2. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

FRIENDSTER 100
#81-100

Keep it up, Phillies! Only one inning left!

81. Ryan
In conversation, we shared our mutual fondness for My Bloody Valentine's "Loveless."

82. Sadie Martha
The color pink.

83. Sara
Has sported a wide array of various haircuts.

84. Sarahdribbin
I was an R.A. from the East-side. She? An R.A. from the West. If there ever was a brawl, I knew Sodapop and Two Cents had my back.

85. Scott S.
Introduced me to the wide world of ready-mades.

86. Scott F.
Treats my sister right.

87. Seth N.
Makes synthesizers for a living.

88. Seth B.
Broke the long-fabled "Dry Ice Barrier" at No Shame Theatre.

89. Shannon
Made a funny observation about how her boyfriend's videotapes are always cued to the scenes with bare boobs.

90. Soheil
Director of City High's cherished "Singer/Songwriter."

91. Spencer
Dream-maker!

92. Steve
During our sophomore year of college, Steve and I were searching for images of Joe Piscopo on the Internet. On a whim, Steve typed in "joepiscopo.com" and there, before us, was a huge picture of "The Piscopo." Steve then turned to me, smiled, and uttered those now-famous words: "I love the internet."

93. Stuart
Owns a laserdisc copy of Hardbodies.

94. Susan
An RA from the East-side. Now that's more like it!

95. Tessa
As youngsters, I attempted to convince Tessa that I was a "Teen-Wolf" by applying Scotch tape to my face, which I had colored brown. Key word here being "attempted."

96. The Illuminati
Drove me to the airport last Easter.

97. Timm
Had an Indiana Jones party in his basement. Short-Round never showed up.

98. Toni
The only girl I know with that name. Prove me wrong, America!

99. University of Iowa
B.F.F.! T.I.D. (true if destroyed)

100. Whitney
She asked me to hold an umbrella onstage for her. Did I? I guess we'll find out with... Friendster 200!


That's it! You did it, Astros! I'm taking y'all out to Godfather's! My treat!

FRIENDSTER 100
#61-80

You can't stop it!

61. Merideth
Before I knew Merideth, I wanted to compliment her Ghostbusters t-shirt. I decided against it.

62. Michael T.
Ladies and gentle-whigs, brace yourselves for Michael's Periodic Table of Puns.

63. Michael C.
Made a joke about Wicket (the ewok) asking R2-D2 if he farts.

64. Michael
I went to buy tickets for Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. I saw him smoking a cigarette outside the theatre.

65. Michele (with one L)
When she drives, we make car sounds with our mouths.

66. Michelle (with two L's)
Frequented "My Business Failed in Three Weeks" shows.

67. Miguel
One time, I saw him instruct somebody on how to properly smoke a cigarette.

68. Miki Ann
One-half of Los Angeles' premiere performance-art power duo Machu Picchu. She once transcribed the rantings of a fellow employee that we both despised.

69. Mlark
Greeted me one morning by yelling, "Arrrrgh!"

70. Nathan
Collectively, we once spent 20 minutes trying to fit ourselves into a garbage can.

71. Neil
"I'm a businessman!" (trips and falls) "I'm a very clumsy businessman!"

72. Nick
We recorded a song called "Ten Year Plan."

73. Nicole
I saw her eating breakfast with a large family at Village Inn. As for myself, I was with my mom and sister.

74. Pat
Overheard a guy at a buffet once say, "It don't matter. It all comes out a turd."

75. Pete
I envy his Epcot t-shirt.

76. Peter G.
I peeked at his audition notes to see what he thought of me.

77. Peter M.
Watched my movie David Mows Yards on a computer as Michele (#65) and I sat in the same room, eating Burger King.

78. Pooja
Gave out her Prince tickets.

79. Rachel
Was my girlfriend. In a play, folks! Not in real-life!

80. Rick
In first grade, he wore a skeleton costume for pajamas.


Next blog: The Last Friendster 100 Installment!

FRIENDSTER 100
#41-60

Keep readin', partner...

41. JC
I always have the secret desire to pronounce his last name "Luxton" as "Buxton" (i.e. Francis' last name in Pee Wee's Big Adventure)

42. Jeremy
Lip-synced to Bush's seminal "Glycerine" at a party. Not a dry eye in the house.

43. Jesse
Videotaped my play The Garveys with his fancy camera.

44. Jokey McHilarious
Sent Bob Hope and Milton Berle to their graves.

45. KKB
Has long hair. Eat your heart out, Crystal Gale!

46. Kat
We watched Storytelling in her living room.

47. Kate
Reminded me - years later - that I once sang "Satisfaction" on her answering machine.

48. Kathryn
First real-life lady bassist in person!

49. Katie
Appeared on an episode of "Judge Joe Brown."

50. Kelli
Rocks the bassoon.

51. Kevin
Has fuzzy hair. Eat your heart out, Crystal Gale!

52. Kristine
Quiz! In student videos, have I seen her...
A) smoke a cigarette?
B) play an Atari?
C) kick a turtle?
D) all of the above (excpet C)
Flip monitor upside down to see answer.

53. Kristy
Disc 3 of Pee Wee's Playhouse DVD box-set

54. Lily
I always wanted her last name to be Langtree.

55. Louie
Came up with the idea to snap his snare-drum when I sang, "blood-SHOT!"

56. Louis
I heard about "9/11" on my way to his class.

57. Margo
Her mother transcribes phone conversations.

58. Mark
Wanted to make a movie called Hell-evator with the tagline: "Going Down?"

59. Matt
Wiggled his fingers in praise during DJ Ruden's guitar solos

60. Megan
Knows a thing or two about Walt Whitman


And we ain't stopping 'til we reach 100!

THE FRIENDSTER 100
#21-40

And the beat goes on...

21. Bradley H.
Made me pancakes in his kitchen. And no, mom and dad, it wasn't post-coital!

22. Candida
Her portrait hung on the wall of Public Space One.

23. Cheri
Defied LeMars, Iowa's conventional wisdom and went to school in Boston - whether she joined the Symbionese Liberation Army or not, I can't say.

24. Chris
While watching Blood Feast, I asked him (in all earnestness) if he believed in God.

25. Christopher
Acted in a video project where he wore a "FBI" (FEMALE BODY INSPECTOR) ball-cap.

26. Dan
Eased my worries about the high admission price of Universal Studios.

27. Denise
Genuinely liked her younger siblings.

28. Diana
I saw her outside Hills Bank once.

29. Elise
Collaborated on a group Intermedia project with me. It was about Munchie.

30. Emily Y.
Possesses infinite patience when asked to repeatedly re-shoot a scene in a hot-as-the-blazes/cold-as-the-dickens attic.

31. Emily L.
We split a blueberry bagel at Donutland.

32. Erin
Fellow cohort in "Mission to Wal-Mart for midnight release of Freddy Vs. Jason DVD."

33. Favid
Taught me how to efficiently push a camera dolly.

34. Forrest
Made an egg-parachute at camp.

35. Iowa City
B.F.F.!

36. Jamal
Jamal took the stage to play a song. An audience member yelled out, "Freebird!" - to which Jamal replied, "You don't really want me to play that song. You're just trying to make a joke" and then sat back down.

37. James E.
Claimed you could smell ozone after you hit your head.

38. James H.
Has lots of nicknames (my favorite is Rocky).

39. Jason
Developed new language in video-editing.

40. Jayne
I once asked her if she read the magazine "Jane" because her name was Jayne. What a stupid question.

Stayed tuned for #41-60.

THE FRIENDSTER 100
#1-20

Recently, I added the 100th friend to my Friendster list. Friendster, for those of you not in the know, is a free Internet service that connects you with friends and their friends' friends and their friends' friends' friends. As such, you gradually amass your own personal list of Friendster friends. Some folks you may have known for your whole life or maybe just for a brief period. Whatever the case, they're all Friendsters!

I've decided to list all my Friendster friends in alphabetical order (over 5 blog installments). With each name, I'll provide a brief caption. Don't analyze too much into it. The caption will basically consist of whatever first pops into my head when I think of the person.

One thing I can promise though: This will be very fun for you to read.

Or very dull.

I haven't decided yet.

1. Aaron
I have a photograph of Aaron at Universal Studios, in which he's standing next to a Back to the Future-inspired concession stand entitled... you guessed it: SNACK to the Future.

2. Adam B.
Resembles me. I think. Is it self-involved to think you look like other people?

3. Adam Y.
As a drummer in The Rockadiles, he'd yelp out some word before the chorus of "Breakfast." I don't know what that word was. Someone tell me.

4. Adam P.
Current roommate. Eternal bird-dogger.

5. Alex
Wore a Mel C. (of Spice Girls fame) t-shirt on the first day of Fiction Video class.

6. Alison
Always had an impressive array of DVD's, videos, and art books (consistently checked out from the Iowa City Public Library) at her place.

7. Allison
Took me to the Full House home in San Francisco.

8. Alyssa
Calls me "Pippy."

9. Amanda Bu.
Made improv funny at No Shame Theatre.

10. Amanda Br.
Killed in a school shooting. For a movie, folks! Not for real-life!

11. Amir
Former colleague in the W.R.A. ("World of Resident Assistants"). Fear us!

12. Amy S.
One-half of Los Angeles' premiere performance-art power duo Machu Picchu. Also makes me vitamin shakes when others drink booze.

13. Amy R.
Oldest sister. Youngest sparrow.

14. Andy
We met at a camp in 1995. We met again at college in 2000. What will 2005 bring? I hear wedding bells!

15. Aprille
Stuck up for me when a mean guy made fun of my nose.

16. B-rad
Appeared to have lost weight between freshman and sophomore years of college. Diet hounds from around the globe ask: "What's his secret?!"

17. Ben
Tuba-deep vox.

18. Bill
Did a power-point presentation comparing Mrs. Doubtfire to its original source material, Alias Madame Doubtfire.

19. Bobby
Owns a scrapbook, which archives rock-n-roll shows he's seen.

20. Bradley
Once met Jonathan Pryce.

Tomorrow? #21-40!

PICTURES I LIKE:

E.T. teaser poster
Best use of purple since Grimace.



A fox!
Nature's favorite stepchild.



Amy Irving
Hot tamale!

Corduroy book cover
He wants a button!

A beagle!
He wants a Milkbone (TM)!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)

I had only been back in Los Angeles for four hours and already, I spotted a celebrity. Joe Elliott, lead singer of Def Leppard, was seen shopping at TARGET on LaBrea. He wore jogging pants and a sweatshirt (i.e. what you wear when you go shopping at TARGET on a Sunday afternoon).

Pour some Snowden on me!

Back in Los Angeles. Was in Iowa. Visited all the hot spots: Le Mars, Altoona, Iowa City, Harlan. Hung out with some cool folks and had even cooler times. Iowa, you're still #1 in my book, baby. Here's to 50 more years.

On a sidenote...

Why do we go to PIZZA HUT? Yes, we come for their dee-lish-ous pepperoni 'za and the centerpiece fireplace, but we stay for those refreshing TARGET-colored mints you get before you re-enter the cold, cruel world. So imagine my ABSOLUTE REMORSE when the Omaha Pizza Hut had none to speak of.

None!

Imagine it. Now. You feel it? That's my ABSOLUTE REMORSE!

Sure, I acted like I didn't mind in front of that teenage girl behind the counter, but deep down, I was falling apart. My heart was cracking. The center of my chest was heavy with melan-cholera. It was New Year's Eve and 2005 was looking bleak.

Right then, I began drafting a suicide letter in my head.

Two hours later, as I stepped out of Theatre 3 at the Star Cinema... wouldn't-ya-know? A teenage usher was inexpicably handing out TARGET-colored mints to audience members by the exit door. I, of course, snagged one.

Huh.

Indeed, Pizza Hut's door of opportunity slammed in my face, but Star Cinema let me slide down its chimney of good fortune.

2005? You're looking foxy.