From Wikipedia:

On March 24, 2004, Richard Simmons was arrested and charged with assault after allegedly slapping a motorcycle salesman at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, Arizona. The salesman, Chris Farney, spotted Simmons in the crowd and said, "Look, Richard Simmons! Drop your bags, let's rock to the '50s." Simmons replied, "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues." He then lightly slapped Farney's face. Farney, who was uninjured, called the police. All charges against Simmons were dropped.

I will go ahead and state the obvious: That motorcycle salesman is the funniest person in America.

"Drop your bags?" Hilarious. "Let's rock to the 50's?" Genius. What an amazing, amazing thing to say.

True, I don't necessarily care for Farney's mean-ness. I'm sure Richard Simmons is a nice guy and doesn't deserve public ridicule, but...

"Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's" is the funniest statement I've heard in 15 years.

I picked up a book of matches the other day.

And I realized that the total amount of matches I've lit through my entire life has been...

Thirty. Under thirty, easily.

I dunno. Fire really scared (scares) me, so I avoid lighting matches at all costs.

Then I lit a match and it burnt my thumb.

Burn me once? Shame on you. Burn me twice? Shame on... ewe.

Watching Lou Reed perform on one of those mid-80's Saturday Night Live reruns last night, I recalled a misperception I had as a child.

I thought Lou Reed and Joe Piscopo were the same person. Take a look:





Those pictures don't really help my case. At all. But trust me... they look a lot alike.

Let's say I had the power to re-shoot all the TV shows currently on Nick at Nite. And let's say I could re-cast the show... entirely with babies. So yeah, all the characters are portrayed by infants (6-10 months).

What Nick at Nite show would I most like to see with babies?

... Murphy Brown.

Nick at Nite! I demand a Baby Miles Silverberg!

You know that Smashing Pumpkins' song "1979?"

It was released in 1995.

So there's a 16-year difference between 1979 and 1995.

That'd be like if somebody today in 2006 wrote a song called "1990."



... Gross.

Just a moment ago, I was logging into my blogspot.com account and I typed my username as...

"Blogger."

For the record, my username is not "Blogger." It was one of those "brain farts" you hear about in the news.

But man, I wish I had the confidence to have my blogspot.com username be "blogger."

"That's right, blogspot.com! I'm all about blogging! You shall know me as blogger!"

And oh, my password would be "blog-opolis."

"May Day" is tomorrow, which if you remember, is that special day when we leave baskets of candy on people's doorsteps, ring their doorbells, and run away. If we get caught, we get kissed.

Call me wily (Pauly T. Wily), but I got a few tricks up my sleeve for this year's "May Day."

Yeah, I'm gonna' leave some baskets of candy on some doorsteps. And sure, I'm gonna' ring some doorbells. And hell yes, I will run away - but just one catch: I'm gonna' run away reeaaaaal slow. I'll surely be caught!

You see, I wanna' be kissed!!!

And I won't be leaving baskets of candy on no ugly folks' doorsteps. No, no, no. Only the hottest babes will be visited by me on this "May Day." Have you forgotten I live in Los Angeles (AKA "The City of the Hottest Babes")?

So who will be getting surprise visits from Pauly T. Wily on May Day? How 'bout Cindy Crawford? Ever heard of her? Oh yeeeeaaah! I know she has a husband, but she's Fair Game in my book!

Then I'll take a little stroll around Kathy Ireland's neighborhood. Aye-chi-mama! What a hot tamale! I hear Ms. Ireland likes to kiss a little rough. Yes, her kissing requires some Necessary Roughness.

And last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST... Miss Bo Derek. On a scale of 1 to 10, she's a total... Bolero!

Yep, all three of those babes are gonna' have their lipstick on my cheeks... and the lipstick will be in the shape of their lips!

May Day Forever! (May 1, 2006 - Forever)

Sorry, folks. I'm retiring my Celebrity Cited list. It got to be a burden - seeing a celebrity and then feeling obligated to remember him/her. Took the fun out of it, y'know? I knew it got bad when I saw a guy from Alias and I turned my head, pretending I hadn't seen him.

For those who are interested though... a couple of the celebs I saw in the interim: Zach De La Rocha eating salad and Corey Feldman having lunch in Toluca Lake.

Don't worry! This blog will still continue. I'm gonna' try to be better about updating, too. Now that I've said it, I'll be forced to do it. Gotta' be true to my word.

Love Always,
Paul

Written and Performed by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust
Directed by Owen Burke

Two teenage brothers run away from home and discover a valuable lesson:
Sometimes growing up ... doesn't involve any actual physical growth at all.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14
8:00 PM
$8
(with Derek Waters The Show)

reserve your tickets here!

UCB Theatre - LA
5919 Franklin Ave
Hollywood, 90028
(323) 908-8702

Ricky recently asked me: "What Saved by the Bell episode would you most want to be in?" What a qreat question!

Here's my answer... ten times over.

10. "Save That Tiger" (original airdate: 12/16/89)
It's the annual Bayside vs Valley prank war. Meanwhile the girls try to come up with a new cheer in the annual cheerleader competition.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
All my life, I've wanted to participate in a Prank War. Why doesn't anybody do these? Seriously. This spring, I'm gonna' get get my shit together and do one. With a group or by myself. Doesn't matter.

9. "The Will" (original airdate: 10/24/92)
A favorite graduate dies and leaves $10,000 in his will. This creates a battle of the sexes to see who gets the money.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
The team cheers are really funny in this one. And I'd like to be able to say them with everybody.

8. "The Fabulous Belding Boys" (orginal airdate: 12/9/90)
The gang is in trouble. If they fail a test by an obnoxious teacher, they won't be able to go on a class fieled trip. On the day of the test. the teacher doesn't show, so Belding's brother Rod takes over.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
In the final act, everyone meets up at Bayside High before dawn. Basically, I just want to hang out in a school before it gets bright outside.

7. "All in the Mall" (original airdate: 11/9/91)
Zach finds $5000 in the mall, and plans to use the money to buy and then scalp tickets for a U2 concert.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
As much as I wouldn't want to be pursued by bad guys, it'd be really cool to sleep in a mall overnight.

6. "Rockumentary" (original airdate: 11/30/91)
Casey Kasem as himself hosts a biography of Zack's rock group called The Zack Attack.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
Sure, part of it is getting to be a rockstar, but it's mostly to hear this dialogue live in person:
ZACK: You really think we could be famous?
ROCK MANAGER: Does Bart Simpson have animated zits?
ME: Yay!!!!

5. "Cut Day" (original airdate: 12/7/91)
It's senior cut day. Zack tries his best to go through the day without being caught by Belding. Jessie and a boy protest the use of plastic cups.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
I wish my high school had a "cut day."

4. "Day of Detention" (original airdate: 10/3/92)
If Zack can just get out of detention with Mr. Belding, he can win a trip to Hawaii. Instead the whole gang ends up in detention with him, trying to get him out.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
This episode is full of escape plans, which I love because I can't ever think of them myself in real life. So it'd be great - to sit back and watch somebody come up with these amazing ideas. Like, I want to come up with a fake/joke escape plan right now and I still can't do it.

3. "Myster Weekend" (original airdate: 12/21/91)
The gang wins a mystery weekend at a mansion where they are all part of a murder mystery. The trouble begins when the game goes awry and Zack is left as the prime suspect.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
There's secret passages in the mansion. Hey - have you guys noticed that most of my reasons have nothing to do with "Saved by the Bell?"

2. "Save the Max" (original airdate: 9/22/90)
Zack and Screech discover that Bayside once had a radio station called KTTY. They convince Belding to put it back on the air. Meanwhile, Max is in trouble of losing his business.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
It'd give me a serious sense of pride to save a friend's business.

1. "The Wicked Stepbrother" (original airdate: 11/2/91)
Jessie meets her new stepbrother Eric but soon discovers that he also has a darkside in him when he uses blackmail to get his way.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
I want to be in my favorite episode! All the components of a great "Saved" episode: schemes, backstabbing, schemes, romance, and more schemes.


Bye, dudes!

So Amanda and I have been watching "Roseanne" on Nick at Nite. A lot. Like, every night. 2 - maybe 3 - episodes per night. It's great.

Recently, we entered the "New Becky" years - y'know, that period when Lecy Goranson (Becky #1) left the show and was replaced by Sarah Chalke (Becky #2).

Anyway, in this run, during the famed opening title sequence (where the camera rotates around the kitchen table as the family eats dinner, plays cards, etc.)... Becky #2 enters the kitchen, then John Goodman looks at her and - I swear - mouths the words:

"It's the New Becky! Becky is a new person!"

Seriously.

The theme music plays, so you can't HEAR him say it. But I KNOW he does.

Anyone else watch "Roseanne?" Care to confirm what I already know is true?

For those who are interested, you can see me...

1) On ESPN. During their Pro Bowling Association (PBA) coverage on Sunday afternoons, the network airs a series of bowling commercials that I appear in. Look for me slipping on the floor and falling.

2) On an Easy-Life Furniture commercial. It only airs locally in the Los Angeles area and I haven't seen it yet, but if you're watching "Oprah," you'll probably catch it. In it, I share a bed with an elderly couple making out.

3) On the Aquafina website. In an online video for their New Year's Resolutions campaign. It's the "Air Guitar Champion" mockumentary video (second from the left).

And I should be appearing in an upcoming "Drake and Josh" episode on Nickelodeon. I'll post the airdate when I know it.

I saw all these movies from 2005! And I ranked them in the order that I liked them! Read it and weep, Roeper (of the Ebert and Roeper syndicated TV show).

28. THE CORPSE BRIDE

27. WHITE NOISE
Not based on the popular Don DeLillo novel, but rather, two subpar Amelia Bedelia books. "I didn't want you to LITERALLY draw the curtains, Michael Keaton!"

26. SYRIANA

25. THE INTERPRETER

24. INSIDE DEEP THROAT

23. KICKING AND SCREAMING
Sure, there was kicking. I mean, it's a movie about soccer. But there wasn't much screaming outside of Will Ferrel's character who --- oh, I get it!

22. CURSED

21. LAND OF THE DEAD

20. STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH

19. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
Reminds me of the day I visited the Chesterman Coca-Cola factory in Sioux City, Iowa. Except in this movie, the employees didn't pour 7-UP on Charlie's head and write racist words on his t-shirt.

18. FUN WITH DICK AND JANE

17. WALK THE LINE

16. HIGH TENSION

15. BATMAN BEGINS
In this movie, we learn that Bruce Wayne based his name "Batman" on a childhood fear. In that case, my superhero name would be "Deep Freezer in the Basement-Man."

14. MUNICH

13. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.

12. HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

11. THE WEDDING CRASHERS
These fellas need to learn one important rule: once you leave the reception, you can't come back in. Even if you're just getting something out of your car. Rules are rules, boys.

10. THUMBSUCKER

9. KISS KISS BANG BANG

8. WAR OF THE WORLDS

7. BROKEN FLOWERS

6. HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
In the movie theatre, I sat to the right of two teenage girls. When Daniel Radcliffe took off his shirt in one scene, I heard the following:
TEENAGE GIRL #1: Uh... wow.
TEENAGE GIRL #2: Yeaaaah.
These are your children, America!

5. PALINDROMES

4. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

3. THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

2. KING KONG
I thought he said ping-pong balls.

1. THE SQUID AND THE WHALE


THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
66. Jane Seymour (Monday, January 2nd, 2006)
67. Stuart Charno (Thursday, January 12th, 2006)
68. Chloe Sevigny (Saturday, December 14th, 20006)

Seymour at LAX. Charno at a commercial audition for Skittles. Sevigny coming out of a bar. I'm getting tired of doing this list.

2005: A Survey For The New Millenium!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Took an intergalatic ride through the stars... courtesy of the newly-revamped Space Mountain in Disneyland!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I had no resolutions for 2005. But my resolution for 2006? KEEP SHININ' ON! (senior quote)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Rick Herbst rented a VHS copy of the movie "Birth." It's a lot like regular birth, but with one benefit: no dirty diapers!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The one man who gave me my first break in the biz: Mr. Johnny Carson. Thanks, Johnny.

5. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A record deal with Maverick. Excuse me. A BETTER record deal with Maverick.

6. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a) July 27th, 2005
b) October 17th, 2005
c) December 7th, 1941

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Putting on neat comedy shows. Getting acting and writing jobs. And my joke about "Birth."

8. What was your biggest failure?
Behaving thoughtlessly. And "The Capeman."

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was just about to write "No," but then I chipped my tooth on the computer monitor.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Michael Moore for that brave, brave film of his - "Farenheit 9/11." Watch your back next November, President Bush!

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bart Simpson. Such a rude, little boy.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, food, and movie tickets. Sorry. Typo. I meant to write: "Bill's food and movie tickets." Boy, does Bill Laimbeer love his chicken nuggets and "Walk the Line!"

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Movies (sometimes referred to as "Mooovies.")

14. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"Sister Jack" by Spoon!

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier! Take that, "sadder!"
b) thinner or fatter?
The same. Thatter.
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer!

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Dance!

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Not dance!

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Losing Scrabble.

19. Did you fall in love in 2005?
No. But I'm dating someone special. And although it might not be "love" right now, it is a powerful bond that I cherish more and more with each passing day. Who's your "someone special?" Call them today, won't you?

20. What was your favorite TV program?
"Finders Keepers!"

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Bart Simpson. Seriously. Somebody discipline this kid! I'm looking at you, Homer and Marge.

22. What was the best book you read?
"Easy Riders, Raging Bulls."

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Go! Team (thanks, Pash!)

24. What did you want and get?
What did I want? What everybody wants... The American Dream, of course. Did I get it? Uh-huh. Do I regret it? Hell yes.

25. What did you want and not get?
Ever heard of The Titanic? Ever heard of RAISING the son-of-a-bitch?

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
"The Squid and the Whale."

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My friends and I ate at Bob's Big Boy and watched "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." I turned 24 (just like that TV show with Kiefer Sutherland on FOX-TV).

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A TV series based on "Fox Trot."

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
"Rad Boy/Bad Boy."

30. What kept you sane?
Twix!

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
"Are Video Games Harming Our Children?"

32. Who did you miss?
Niles Crane. Bring back "Frasier," NBC!!!

33. Who was the best new person you met?
Choosing favorites is your job, Roosevelt. Not mine!

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
It's probably lame to do this, but I heard this in "Broken Flowers" recently and it made me happy. Maybe you'll like it, too?
"Well, the past is gone, I know that. The future isn't here yet, whatever it's going to be. So, all there is, is this. The present. That's it."

LESSON LEARNED FROM CHILDHOOD:

If you're on a little-league baseball team and you want to impress your coolest teammate (who wears fashionable clothes and is the best on the team), don't pull him aside and confidently tell him that your sister Amy went to an Aerosmith concert the night before. He will not think you're cool. Even if she did almost touch Steven Tyler's hand.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
62. Alex Désert (Friday, December 9th, 2005)
63. Rob Riggle (Wednesday, December 14th, 2005)
64. Andy Richter (Friday, December 16th, 20005)
65. Gary Cole (Monday, December 19th, 2005)

On TV's Becker, Désert couldn't see much (he was blind), but I sure spotted him outside the Bliss Cafe on Vine Street. Riggle and Richter were at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. And Gary Cole was in the lobby of the Arclight movie theatre.

Walking home from the post office, I saw a t-shirt in a store window that read:

"I Used to Be a Diva... But Now I'm a BITCH!"

Awesome.

I was going to follow this up by writing: "Now you know what shirt I want for Christmas." But that's not really true. What I actually should write is: "Now you know what I want written for my epitaph."

Make it happen.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
59. Melanie Hutsell (Saturday, November 19th, 2005)
60. Neil Patrick Harris (Saturday, December 3rd, 2005)
61. Geri Halliwell (Sunday, December 4th, 20005)

Melanie Hutsell at the UCB Theatre. Neil Patrick Harris at a Barnes and Noble. And Geri Halliwell at a Christmas party. Spice up your life!

THE 2005 PAUL RUST CAPTION CONTEST

As you all know, a few weeks ago, I announced The 4th Annual Paul Rust Caption Contest (where you - the blog-readers - submit funny captions to funny photos). A massively-popular event. In this country and beyond.

This year, I received over 10,000 submissions and they were - hands down - the best in the history of The Paul Rust Caption Contest (so far!).

Here's the top 5:

1.

Caption: "Bad Hair Day!"
Submitted by: Trevor White (St. Paul, Minnesota)

2.

Caption: "Quidditch is tough!"
Submitted by: Leslie Thoms (Tallahasee, Florida)

3.

Caption: "Where's the Green Golbin when you need him?"
Submitted by: Ray Wilton (Fort Worth, Texas)

4.

Caption: "It's called Weight Watchers, tubby!"
Submitted by: Dennis Braddock (Rosemary, Wyoming)

5.

Caption: "Can't you see I'm trying to take a nap?!"
Submitted by: A tiny baby (a crib)

Congratulations to the winners! And for those of you who got passed over this year, keep captionin'... The 2007 Paul Rust Caption Contest is only 24 months away (I'm skipping next year for health reasons).


THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
56. Todd Louiso (Saturday, November 12th, 2005)
57. Joey Lauren Adams (Monday, November 14th, 2005)
58. Sam Pancake (Saturday, November 18th, 2005)

I saw all these celebrities around Franklin Avenue. It's true.

A couple days ago, I was stopped at a red light and a school bus pulled up beside me.

I looked to my left and saw the driver inside the school bus.

And I thought, "Oh, yeah. A bus would need a driver, wouldn't it?"

Apparently, up until the point that I saw the driver... I thought the bus would be driving itself.

Weird.

ME AND ADAM ON HALLOWEEN:


I am Hans. And I am Franz. And we're here to (clap) have a Happy Halloween!


Nice try, dorks.


You suck, too.


Alright, you guys are cool.

October 27th, 2005 was:

1. The 10th birthday of my niece Alexis.
2. The 10th anniversary of my first official theatre performance

Yes. On the night of October 27th, 1995, my hometown was treated to both the birth of Li'l Alexis and the opening night of "Lost in Yonkers" at the community theatre. In fact, Alexis was born while I was onstage. When the play got out, I found out I was an uncle.

And so began my illustrious LeMars, Iowa theatre career. Join me as I look back, won't you?**

**(But only at the full-length plays. None of that 10-minute or one-act bullshit!)

LEMARS THEATER CAREER!!!

1. LOST IN YONKERS (OCTOBER 1995)
Neil Simon chronicles his childhood experiences in this Tony award-winning play. I portray young Artie. Will this be the first time I play a Jewish character onstage? Yes. Will it be my last? Oy vey, no!

2. OZ! (SUMMER 1996)
Remember all your favorite songs from The Wizard of Oz? Well, forget them as you watch The Kaleidoscope Kids Children's Theatre production of "Oz," a musical with a far less expensive copyright. As The Cowardly Lion, I sing such "classic" songs as "I'm Just a Lion" and "Public Domain #1." Still, a fun way to spend the summer.

3. GATEWAY OR: LEMARS IS BORN (FEBRUARY 1997)
I do double duty as both "TOWNSFOLK" and "INDIAN #2" in this rousing musical about my small town's history. One month later in Chicago, my sister Amy and I attend a screening of Waiting for Guffman, a mockumentary on... a rousing musical about a small town's history. Not since Eraser did a movie mirror my life so well!

4. ANNIE (SRPING 1997)
Double duty part 2. In one scene, I'm a hobo in a Hooverville. In another scene, I'm a radio DJ. What is this? The Story of Paul Harvey?!!

5. CHILDREN OF EDEN (SUMMER 1997)
An epic musical based on the Book of Genesis. Who did I play? Let's just say I was "ready, willing, and ABEL" to play the part. That's right. I was the mischevious "Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat!"

6. THE CLUMSY CUSTARD HORROR SHOW (SPRING 1998)
You'd think that after 5 plays, I would have established myself as Le Mars' own Larry Olivier, but... nope. Here I am - small role (a knight) with only one line. Fortunately, I delivered the line like a gay man. Historically accurate.

7. JESUS CHRIST: SUPERSTAR (SUMMER 1998
The summer musical to end all summer musicals. A cast of 50. Massive sets. A full orchestra. Huge, huge, huge. And as if that wasn't enough, we apostles get to eat Pita bread during the Last Supper scene!

8. WEST OF PECOS (SPRING 1999)
Apparently, when it comes to school spring plays, I prefer the highly sophisticated acting choices of "fey" and "kinda queer." In this western-themed play, I give the "Deputy" character a lisp and an effeminate posture. I like to think, however, that I've branched out from such behavior. (NOTE: Come to "Before They Were Giants" this Friday at the UCB Theatre and see me play Steven Spielberg as a fey man with a lisp).

9. ALONE TOGETHER (SPRING 1999)
Was this even the title of the play? I can't remember. If you were in this, email me and give me the title.

10. ONCE UPON A MATTRESS (SUMMER 1999)
After innumerable Google image searches, I can safely say that there are no photos of me wearing a jester outfit. At least, not on the Internet. My scrap-book is a different story, people!!!


And then this...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
55. Elijah Wood (Saturday, October 15th, 2005)

Ellen, Adam, and I spotted this "Good Son" outside the Arclight movie theatre... getting approached by a nerd. You know the nerd had to be grilling him about The Ice Storm.