Hey, dudez!
Travel across the far reaches of cyberspace and visit paulrust.com. I announced some new, upcoming performance dates.
And oh, there's a new song for you. Put it on a mix CD for your parents.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Remember the Alamo!
No. Seriously, guys. Remember the Alamo? And Balki? And those California Raisins? Weren't the 80's weird?!
Ah, yes. The 80's. We danced along with those California Raisins. We strangled Balki behind a Hardee's in South Dakota. But sadly, we never stepped foot in the Alamo.
Or at least, I haven't. Probably still won't either. Even though I'm an hour-and-a-half away from San Antonio.
Cuz you see, right now, I'm visiting my friend Louise in Austin, Texas.
It's been fun. Over the past couple days, we've gone to a German village called Frederichsburg (reubens!), attended a screening of Taxi Driver (bloodshed!), and got caught in an honest-to-goodness rainstorm (God's bloodshed!).
This evening, we spent our time at the Alamo Drafthouse, a movie theatre where you can eat dinner (reubens!) and watch movies at the same time. We were treated to a screening of Weird Science - including a Q&A with actor Ilan Mitchell-Smith who so-famously portrayed "Wyatt."
Apparently, it's not just we humans who are attracted to hot food, former child stars, and the screen debuts of Wallace Langham. 3/4 into the movie, a giant, guinea-pig-sized rat scurried across our table. I spotted it first. Louise confirmed it. For the rest of the movie, we cowered in fear - feet on our seats, arms at our side.
What would you do if a rat scurried across your table during Weird Science?
This Easter, folks, make sure to take some time out and ask yourself that question:
W.W.Y.D.I.A.R.S.A.Y.T.D.W.S.?
No. Seriously, guys. Remember the Alamo? And Balki? And those California Raisins? Weren't the 80's weird?!
Ah, yes. The 80's. We danced along with those California Raisins. We strangled Balki behind a Hardee's in South Dakota. But sadly, we never stepped foot in the Alamo.
Or at least, I haven't. Probably still won't either. Even though I'm an hour-and-a-half away from San Antonio.
Cuz you see, right now, I'm visiting my friend Louise in Austin, Texas.
It's been fun. Over the past couple days, we've gone to a German village called Frederichsburg (reubens!), attended a screening of Taxi Driver (bloodshed!), and got caught in an honest-to-goodness rainstorm (God's bloodshed!).
This evening, we spent our time at the Alamo Drafthouse, a movie theatre where you can eat dinner (reubens!) and watch movies at the same time. We were treated to a screening of Weird Science - including a Q&A with actor Ilan Mitchell-Smith who so-famously portrayed "Wyatt."
Apparently, it's not just we humans who are attracted to hot food, former child stars, and the screen debuts of Wallace Langham. 3/4 into the movie, a giant, guinea-pig-sized rat scurried across our table. I spotted it first. Louise confirmed it. For the rest of the movie, we cowered in fear - feet on our seats, arms at our side.
What would you do if a rat scurried across your table during Weird Science?
This Easter, folks, make sure to take some time out and ask yourself that question:
W.W.Y.D.I.A.R.S.A.Y.T.D.W.S.?
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
There's a reason, ladies and gentlemen, why we refer to celebrities as "stars." Like those burning balls of gas and heat, celebrities also provide light and guidance as we stumble blindly through the dark.
Who knows, for instance, if I would have choked on my pepperoni pizza in La Piaza at The Grove... if the guiding force of Chris Rock wasn't surrounding me (as he ate lunch with his family across the restaurant)?
Perhaps, moments later outside La Piaza, I would have tripped on a loose cobblestone and broken my neck... if not for MadTV's Michael McDonald enjoying lunch himself on the patio?
Certainly, I would have been hit by a speeding automobile in the M-Bar parking lot... if Numbers star David Krumholtz wasn't protecting me (as he drove by in his own car).
And without question, my heart would have exploded inside my chest, killing me instantly... without the saving grace of Jackie Brown's Robert Forster in the "Groundlings" Sunday show audience. He did, however, give me a nasty case of "the vapors." Moms agree!
And that, folks, is four new additions to...
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
Who knows, for instance, if I would have choked on my pepperoni pizza in La Piaza at The Grove... if the guiding force of Chris Rock wasn't surrounding me (as he ate lunch with his family across the restaurant)?
Perhaps, moments later outside La Piaza, I would have tripped on a loose cobblestone and broken my neck... if not for MadTV's Michael McDonald enjoying lunch himself on the patio?
Certainly, I would have been hit by a speeding automobile in the M-Bar parking lot... if Numbers star David Krumholtz wasn't protecting me (as he drove by in his own car).
And without question, my heart would have exploded inside my chest, killing me instantly... without the saving grace of Jackie Brown's Robert Forster in the "Groundlings" Sunday show audience. He did, however, give me a nasty case of "the vapors." Moms agree!
And that, folks, is four new additions to...
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
So, yeah... a long break between blogs. My apologies. I've been bizz-y as a bee. Performance events kept my hands full. Plus, friends visited from outta' town.
Last Friday, the aforementioned friends and I (8 of us!) experienced Universal Studios. It was, of course, awesome. It was the 5th time I've gone since October and it still remains a fun time. Next time you're in Los Angeles, do yourself a favor and let this bastard (me) take you.
And what can you find at Universal Studios? Well...
1. Back to the Future: The Ride
Dinosaurs. We all want to be eaten by one. Well, this classic motion-ride from the early 1990's lets you do just that. Plus, you get to see actor Thomas F. Wilson ("Biff") wear an obscene amount of eye make-up. Not just in the video introduction. He personally greets you at the theme park.
2. The Universal Studios Tour
Sure, Jaws jumping out of the water is cool. And yeah, King Kong shaking a bridge is neat, too. But you'll be crapping your pants and throwing up food when you see Jessica Fletcher's Murder, She Wrote house. A real treat.
3. Revenge of the Mummy
Eternal death was never so much fun. (dear, loved ones: make sure the preceeding statement is my epitaph)
4. Jurassic Park Riverboat Round-up
Contrary to popular belief, two li'l dinosaurs fighting over a box of popcorn is not cute. It's terrifying. Okay, maybe it's a little cute. Alright. Very cute. Call me!
5. Special Effects Show
Jake and B-max received the special honor of appearing in this behind-the-scenes (or behind-the-screams in some cases) demonstration. B-max was chained to a wall. Jake told Seabisquit to run faster. If only they had done this during the show instead of beforehand in the parking lot. (And yes, I realize this is the same joke as my earlier one about Thomas F. Wilson greeting you at Universal Studios. Find it in your heart to forgive me)
6. Terminator 2: 3-D
Mathematical fact: "Terminator 2" + "3-D" = High 5's for everyone! (in a spirtual sense)
7. Animal Planet Show
Normally, this spectacular 15-minute show is held outdoors, but inclimate weather forced it inside and shortened it to 8 minutes. Fortunately, the best sight-gag was left intact. I will not, however, tell you what it is. Fly out to Los Angeles and see it for yourself. Because you haven't lived until you've seen an orangantan demand her bra back. Um. I mean, you haven't lived until you've seen a not-orangantan not-demand her not-bra. Whew. Close one.
8. Van Helsing Haunted Castle
Seriously, people. It's not that scary. I literally had to drag all my scaredy-cat friends through the entire castle. Thank god, I'm the brave one around here. (NOTE: The author reserves the right to lie, not admit his own cowardice, and/or deny the fact that he was hiding behind his friends the entire time - clutching their bodies and repeating over and over, "Why do I keep doing this? I hate this, I hate this.")
All in all, a wonderful day. Plus, Ellen got hit on by Beetlejuice. Which was funny. And weird. More weird than funny. Actually, just weird.
Whatever the case, it was great seeing old friends again. If only for a week.
Speaking of seeing old friends, I spotted FOUR CELEBRITIES over the last few days. They will be the subjects of my next post. You are dying to know! (literally, not figuratively)
Last Friday, the aforementioned friends and I (8 of us!) experienced Universal Studios. It was, of course, awesome. It was the 5th time I've gone since October and it still remains a fun time. Next time you're in Los Angeles, do yourself a favor and let this bastard (me) take you.
And what can you find at Universal Studios? Well...
1. Back to the Future: The Ride
Dinosaurs. We all want to be eaten by one. Well, this classic motion-ride from the early 1990's lets you do just that. Plus, you get to see actor Thomas F. Wilson ("Biff") wear an obscene amount of eye make-up. Not just in the video introduction. He personally greets you at the theme park.
2. The Universal Studios Tour
Sure, Jaws jumping out of the water is cool. And yeah, King Kong shaking a bridge is neat, too. But you'll be crapping your pants and throwing up food when you see Jessica Fletcher's Murder, She Wrote house. A real treat.
3. Revenge of the Mummy
Eternal death was never so much fun. (dear, loved ones: make sure the preceeding statement is my epitaph)
4. Jurassic Park Riverboat Round-up
Contrary to popular belief, two li'l dinosaurs fighting over a box of popcorn is not cute. It's terrifying. Okay, maybe it's a little cute. Alright. Very cute. Call me!
5. Special Effects Show
Jake and B-max received the special honor of appearing in this behind-the-scenes (or behind-the-screams in some cases) demonstration. B-max was chained to a wall. Jake told Seabisquit to run faster. If only they had done this during the show instead of beforehand in the parking lot. (And yes, I realize this is the same joke as my earlier one about Thomas F. Wilson greeting you at Universal Studios. Find it in your heart to forgive me)
6. Terminator 2: 3-D
Mathematical fact: "Terminator 2" + "3-D" = High 5's for everyone! (in a spirtual sense)
7. Animal Planet Show
Normally, this spectacular 15-minute show is held outdoors, but inclimate weather forced it inside and shortened it to 8 minutes. Fortunately, the best sight-gag was left intact. I will not, however, tell you what it is. Fly out to Los Angeles and see it for yourself. Because you haven't lived until you've seen an orangantan demand her bra back. Um. I mean, you haven't lived until you've seen a not-orangantan not-demand her not-bra. Whew. Close one.
8. Van Helsing Haunted Castle
Seriously, people. It's not that scary. I literally had to drag all my scaredy-cat friends through the entire castle. Thank god, I'm the brave one around here. (NOTE: The author reserves the right to lie, not admit his own cowardice, and/or deny the fact that he was hiding behind his friends the entire time - clutching their bodies and repeating over and over, "Why do I keep doing this? I hate this, I hate this.")
All in all, a wonderful day. Plus, Ellen got hit on by Beetlejuice. Which was funny. And weird. More weird than funny. Actually, just weird.
Whatever the case, it was great seeing old friends again. If only for a week.
Speaking of seeing old friends, I spotted FOUR CELEBRITIES over the last few days. They will be the subjects of my next post. You are dying to know! (literally, not figuratively)
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Monday, March 14, 2005
FREE SKETCH COMEDY featuring: Neil Campbell, Michael Cassady, Paul Rust, Chris Stangl, and Emily Yoshida!
With opening act, Machu Picchu!
One night only! For total free! Call 323-856-0036 to make a reservation!
www.fireballdeluxe.com
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
Word of warning: do not eat at Chi Dynasty on Hillhurst. We all went there for Adam's birthday dinner. And we found a booger in our food.
Just kidding!
We found a "Booger" in our food.
Juuuuust kiddddiiiing!
We found Curtis Armstrong (AKA "Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation)... in our food. He was big and green and slimey. And he came from Andrew Cassese's nose.
Boogers!
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
Word of warning: do not eat at Chi Dynasty on Hillhurst. We all went there for Adam's birthday dinner. And we found a booger in our food.
Just kidding!
We found a "Booger" in our food.
Juuuuust kiddddiiiing!
We found Curtis Armstrong (AKA "Booger" from Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation)... in our food. He was big and green and slimey. And he came from Andrew Cassese's nose.
Boogers!
Monday, March 07, 2005
EXTRA! EXTRA!
Now announcing... the brandest-newest...
OFFICIAL PAUL RUST WEBPAGE
It's got a whole bunch of goodies: videos, music, writing. And more to come. So stay indoors and spend a weekday with it, will you?
Major, major thanks go to my buddy John Henry Muller who designed the site. I am also in debt to my other buddy, Adam Pash, who so graciously helped me upload the video.
ALSO COOL...
My third buddy Rick Herbst was featured in this Sunday's New York Times. If that link don't work, here's a reprint. Way to go, Ricky!
AND FINALLY...
Check the web-counter (on the right). If you are the 20,000th visitor to my blog, you MUST sign my guestbook. For once, stand up for you rights.
Now announcing... the brandest-newest...
OFFICIAL PAUL RUST WEBPAGE
It's got a whole bunch of goodies: videos, music, writing. And more to come. So stay indoors and spend a weekday with it, will you?
Major, major thanks go to my buddy John Henry Muller who designed the site. I am also in debt to my other buddy, Adam Pash, who so graciously helped me upload the video.
ALSO COOL...
My third buddy Rick Herbst was featured in this Sunday's New York Times. If that link don't work, here's a reprint. Way to go, Ricky!
AND FINALLY...
Check the web-counter (on the right). If you are the 20,000th visitor to my blog, you MUST sign my guestbook. For once, stand up for you rights.
Friday, March 04, 2005
UPCOMING PAUL RUST STUFF...
GARAGE COMEDY
Monday, March 7th - 8:30pm
@ Fancyland
(4212 Santa Monica Blvd.)
Garage Comedy
SIT-N-SPIN
Thursday, March 10th - 8pm
@ Comedy Central Stage
(6539 Santa Monica Boulevard)
Comedy Central and Sit-'n-Spin
THE PRETTY OKAY HO-HUM SPECTACULAR ON ICE
Sunday, March 13th - 8pm
Ramada Inn
(1160 N. Vermont Ave)
The Pretty Okay Ho-Hum Spectacular On Ice
FIREBALL DELUXE
Wednesday, March 16th - 8pm
M-Bar
(1253 Vine St)
Fireball Deluxe
IN OTHER NEWS...
Today is the last day of my freelance job at the Encino office.
A last day of work feels like a last day of school. Soon, my supervisors will enter the room, give me a bucket of soapy water, and tell me to wash out my locker.
Halfway through, I'll slice my index finger on the metal edge and bleed for minutes without noticing. I may even accidentally bleed into the bucket of soapy water.
Not for sure though. Can't remember. I'll have to ask Mrs. Moir.
GARAGE COMEDY
Monday, March 7th - 8:30pm
@ Fancyland
(4212 Santa Monica Blvd.)
Garage Comedy
SIT-N-SPIN
Thursday, March 10th - 8pm
@ Comedy Central Stage
(6539 Santa Monica Boulevard)
Comedy Central and Sit-'n-Spin
THE PRETTY OKAY HO-HUM SPECTACULAR ON ICE
Sunday, March 13th - 8pm
Ramada Inn
(1160 N. Vermont Ave)
The Pretty Okay Ho-Hum Spectacular On Ice
FIREBALL DELUXE
Wednesday, March 16th - 8pm
M-Bar
(1253 Vine St)
Fireball Deluxe
IN OTHER NEWS...
Today is the last day of my freelance job at the Encino office.
A last day of work feels like a last day of school. Soon, my supervisors will enter the room, give me a bucket of soapy water, and tell me to wash out my locker.
Halfway through, I'll slice my index finger on the metal edge and bleed for minutes without noticing. I may even accidentally bleed into the bucket of soapy water.
Not for sure though. Can't remember. I'll have to ask Mrs. Moir.
Thursday, March 03, 2005
Have you ever been on the computer? Of course you have! What am I saying?
Have you ever been on the INTERNET? Wait. Obviously.
Alright, alright. So you've been on a computer. AND on the internet.
BUT have you ever had to enter a password on the computer/internet?
You have? Good. Then this will make more sense to you.
So I bet you've made the mistake of writing your password... in a field that wasn't meant for it. So when you look up at the monitor, you see your very-private password in the clear-blue open. No asteriks! Yikes!
It is very unsettling, isn't it?
Almost makes me feel naked.
In fact, I feel even more naked since my password is a picture of my penis.
Have you ever been on the INTERNET? Wait. Obviously.
Alright, alright. So you've been on a computer. AND on the internet.
BUT have you ever had to enter a password on the computer/internet?
You have? Good. Then this will make more sense to you.
So I bet you've made the mistake of writing your password... in a field that wasn't meant for it. So when you look up at the monitor, you see your very-private password in the clear-blue open. No asteriks! Yikes!
It is very unsettling, isn't it?
Almost makes me feel naked.
In fact, I feel even more naked since my password is a picture of my penis.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Ring the bells! Fire the pistols! Raise the flag!
Amy Rust and Scott Ferguson are engaged to be married!
My sister and her kind-hearted beau will "tie up the knots" in August of this year. The "Chicken Dance" will be played on a continuous loop at their reception.
As expected, both families welcome this most-splendid occasion. The Rusts dig Scott. The Fergusons dig Amy. It will be a match made in heaven (if we are able to reserve a space in time).
No word on who the ring-bearer will be. May I suggest R2-D2? He'd look adorable in a bow-tie and cumberbun. C-3P0 can serve the wedding cake.
All kidding aside, I'm really happy for Amy and Scott. I mean, those two knuckle-heads deserve each other! Gadda, gadda, gadda! Fart!
And one for the road...
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
I saw Ben Stiller's mom sitting outside the M-Bar.
Amy Rust and Scott Ferguson are engaged to be married!
My sister and her kind-hearted beau will "tie up the knots" in August of this year. The "Chicken Dance" will be played on a continuous loop at their reception.
As expected, both families welcome this most-splendid occasion. The Rusts dig Scott. The Fergusons dig Amy. It will be a match made in heaven (if we are able to reserve a space in time).
No word on who the ring-bearer will be. May I suggest R2-D2? He'd look adorable in a bow-tie and cumberbun. C-3P0 can serve the wedding cake.
All kidding aside, I'm really happy for Amy and Scott. I mean, those two knuckle-heads deserve each other! Gadda, gadda, gadda! Fart!
And one for the road...
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
I saw Ben Stiller's mom sitting outside the M-Bar.
Monday, February 28, 2005
We all know that "April showers bring May flowers." But why is it that only these two successive months have a time-worned phrase attached to them? Well, as the silver screen's Chain Capane once said, "Not for long, man!"
In other words, I've made up my own.
1. May day baskets... bring June caskets.
2. June vacations... bring July menstruations.
3. July independence... brings August KTIV anchorman Larry Wentz.
4. August heat... brings September wheat (source: "Farmers' Almanac 1998").
5. September girls... do so much!
6. October ghouls... bring November elegant jewels!
7. November feasts... bring October beasts!
8. December boys... got it bad!
9. January showers... bring February flowers.
10. February hearts... bring in da' noize, bring in da' funk!
And yes, this will be my official submission for "Joke-Writers' Contest 2005."
Look at this, too:
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
One week after seeing his "Mr. Show" laff-partner David Cross in Los Feliz, I spy Bob Odenkirk in Hollywood. Who's next? John Madden?!
On Friday, I saw Mike White walking down Melrose with two friends. Myself? I was accompanied by only one friend. You've beat me again, White!
In other words, I've made up my own.
1. May day baskets... bring June caskets.
2. June vacations... bring July menstruations.
3. July independence... brings August KTIV anchorman Larry Wentz.
4. August heat... brings September wheat (source: "Farmers' Almanac 1998").
5. September girls... do so much!
6. October ghouls... bring November elegant jewels!
7. November feasts... bring October beasts!
8. December boys... got it bad!
9. January showers... bring February flowers.
10. February hearts... bring in da' noize, bring in da' funk!
And yes, this will be my official submission for "Joke-Writers' Contest 2005."
Look at this, too:
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
One week after seeing his "Mr. Show" laff-partner David Cross in Los Feliz, I spy Bob Odenkirk in Hollywood. Who's next? John Madden?!
On Friday, I saw Mike White walking down Melrose with two friends. Myself? I was accompanied by only one friend. You've beat me again, White!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
On my way to work, I was listening to a soft-rock radio station, which boasted that they play music "everyone at work can agree on."
This, of course, is:
A) not true
B) something that carries the potential to create uncomfortable situations in the workplace. Cuz you know there's some asshole in an office who demands that the radio be tuned to his favorite soft-rock station (even when co-workers vocalize their dissatisfaction). So everytime the radio brags that they play music "everyone at work can agree on," there's a pregnant pause amongst all the co-workers as they're reminded that THIS IS NOT SO.
And oh... the asshole feels kind of bad because he knows everybody's mad at him.
Takin' care of business!
This, of course, is:
A) not true
B) something that carries the potential to create uncomfortable situations in the workplace. Cuz you know there's some asshole in an office who demands that the radio be tuned to his favorite soft-rock station (even when co-workers vocalize their dissatisfaction). So everytime the radio brags that they play music "everyone at work can agree on," there's a pregnant pause amongst all the co-workers as they're reminded that THIS IS NOT SO.
And oh... the asshole feels kind of bad because he knows everybody's mad at him.
Takin' care of business!
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
The world of science has taught us only one thing:
Experiments learn us more!
Without experiments, Mr. Edison would have never invented his famed lighted-bulb. Mr. Rutherford would have never uncovered those sub-atoms. And old Mr. Mendel would have never had sex with those pea-plants.
Similarily (and in fact, better-ly), me and my fellow scientists (Dr. Kessler, Dr. Pash, Dr. Stangl, and Dr. Yoshida) conducted our famous "HOT-BROWN EXPERIMENT" last Saturday night.
The question at hand: What would Coca-Cola Classic taste like if you heated it up?
We - in our fearless pursuit for scientific knowledge - put a mug of Coke in the microwave and heated that sunuvabitch for 2 minutes. Then we drank it.
The result?
It tasted like Coke you leave in your car on a hot summer day.
Aw, yes, but what is SCIENCE doing for YOU?
Experiments learn us more!
Without experiments, Mr. Edison would have never invented his famed lighted-bulb. Mr. Rutherford would have never uncovered those sub-atoms. And old Mr. Mendel would have never had sex with those pea-plants.
Similarily (and in fact, better-ly), me and my fellow scientists (Dr. Kessler, Dr. Pash, Dr. Stangl, and Dr. Yoshida) conducted our famous "HOT-BROWN EXPERIMENT" last Saturday night.
The question at hand: What would Coca-Cola Classic taste like if you heated it up?
We - in our fearless pursuit for scientific knowledge - put a mug of Coke in the microwave and heated that sunuvabitch for 2 minutes. Then we drank it.
The result?
It tasted like Coke you leave in your car on a hot summer day.
Aw, yes, but what is SCIENCE doing for YOU?
Saturday, February 19, 2005
While attending "The Pretty Okay Ho-Hum Spectacular on Ice" sketch-comedy show last Thursday, a certain movie-star was sitting behind me... KISSING A LADY! Frequently. To the point that it could be considered "making out" or "giving time."
And who was this Los Angeles Lothario?
Steve Guttenberg! Celebrity Sighted #19!
Two hours later, I go to a par-tay with Neilerdude and Annabelle. And guess who was havin' a drink and sharin' laughs?
Now, seriously. Hold on to your ghost-butts. Because this is inarguably the best celebrity sighting yet...
Ready?
BOB SAGET! Yay!
Sadly, I did not ask either man what it's like to raise daughters with two other bachelors in a house/apartment loft.
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
And who was this Los Angeles Lothario?
Steve Guttenberg! Celebrity Sighted #19!
Two hours later, I go to a par-tay with Neilerdude and Annabelle. And guess who was havin' a drink and sharin' laughs?
Now, seriously. Hold on to your ghost-butts. Because this is inarguably the best celebrity sighting yet...
Ready?
BOB SAGET! Yay!
Sadly, I did not ask either man what it's like to raise daughters with two other bachelors in a house/apartment loft.
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
Thursday, February 17, 2005
THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
Last night, I saw David Cross (the "David" of "Mr. Show with Bob and David") entering the Cantina bar on Sunset Boulevard.
SIDENOTE:
I really like the name John, but if I had a son, I couldn't name him that. Because "John Rust" sounds too much like "genre." So anytime I stood on the front porch and yelled out my son's full name (for him to come to dinner, of course), some neighbor would respond, "Crime documentary!"
Because y'know, if you yell out a category, people automatically yell out what can be filed under it.
"FOOD!"
"... Banana."
"NATIONAL MONUMENTS!"
"... Mount Rushmore."
"PAUL'S NICKNAMES!"
"... Pauly Dangerfield."
Goddamn. Why hasn't anybody gotten on this "Pauly Dangerfield" bandwagon yet? I'm very disappointed in all of you.
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
Last night, I saw David Cross (the "David" of "Mr. Show with Bob and David") entering the Cantina bar on Sunset Boulevard.
SIDENOTE:
I really like the name John, but if I had a son, I couldn't name him that. Because "John Rust" sounds too much like "genre." So anytime I stood on the front porch and yelled out my son's full name (for him to come to dinner, of course), some neighbor would respond, "Crime documentary!"
Because y'know, if you yell out a category, people automatically yell out what can be filed under it.
"FOOD!"
"... Banana."
"NATIONAL MONUMENTS!"
"... Mount Rushmore."
"PAUL'S NICKNAMES!"
"... Pauly Dangerfield."
Goddamn. Why hasn't anybody gotten on this "Pauly Dangerfield" bandwagon yet? I'm very disappointed in all of you.
Monday, February 14, 2005
A MESSAGE TO ALL "SINGLES" ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY
Yes. We are all aware that you are single.
Yes. We recognize you not will be receiving flowers/candies/sex today.
Yes. We acknoweldge that you regard St. Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark sham."
Now, please... shut your party-pooping mouth. People are in love and you should be happy for them.
In a desolate world where folks cut each other off in traffic, budge in movie theatre lines, and kill one another in big, stupid wars... you should rejoice that two people are able to spoon on a couch, watching "Roseanne" together.
Yes. Like you, I am single on Valentine's Day, but to paraphrase The Zombies' "Friends of Mine"...
"It feels so good to know people so in love."
With that said... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY!
Yes. We are all aware that you are single.
Yes. We recognize you not will be receiving flowers/candies/sex today.
Yes. We acknoweldge that you regard St. Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark sham."
Now, please... shut your party-pooping mouth. People are in love and you should be happy for them.
In a desolate world where folks cut each other off in traffic, budge in movie theatre lines, and kill one another in big, stupid wars... you should rejoice that two people are able to spoon on a couch, watching "Roseanne" together.
Yes. Like you, I am single on Valentine's Day, but to paraphrase The Zombies' "Friends of Mine"...
"It feels so good to know people so in love."
With that said... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYBODY!
Saturday, February 12, 2005
This afternoon, Adam and I went to Venice Beach.
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. Witnessing the World Championship Grilled Cheese Eating Contest
a) featuring free Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper for everyone!
b) before the contest, a girl in the audience - presumably excited for the upcoming event - yelled out, "Grilled cheese!"
c) the winner was a 100-pound girl from Virginia. She's ranked #2 in the world after this fella.
2.Watching a street performer shoot fireballs from his mouth and balance a girl-in-a-chair on his chin
3. ... I urge you to go to Venice Beach and have your own adventure. If you do not live in the greater Los Angeles are, then go outside and have some FUN! There's a whole world of excitement out there waiting for you! Goodbye, friends!
HIGHLIGHTS:
1. Witnessing the World Championship Grilled Cheese Eating Contest
a) featuring free Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper for everyone!
b) before the contest, a girl in the audience - presumably excited for the upcoming event - yelled out, "Grilled cheese!"
c) the winner was a 100-pound girl from Virginia. She's ranked #2 in the world after this fella.
2.Watching a street performer shoot fireballs from his mouth and balance a girl-in-a-chair on his chin
3. ... I urge you to go to Venice Beach and have your own adventure. If you do not live in the greater Los Angeles are, then go outside and have some FUN! There's a whole world of excitement out there waiting for you! Goodbye, friends!
Thursday, February 10, 2005
Waiting in line for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I take a gander at the long line of people and think to myself, "Hm. Subway's pretty popular."
But why? Why is Subway (TM) so popular?
Yes, the sandwiches are tasty. Yes, it is affordably priced. And yes, the old-timey newspaper wallpaper is fun to read while you're eating with friends. Yes, yes, yes.
But why - deep down - is Subway (TM) so popular?
"Peoples gotta' eat," I think to myself. 'Tis true, Pauly Dangerfield. Peoples do got to eat.
So my mind begins to wander. I think, "And furthermore, to a greater extent, that's why restaurants in general are popular, Paul. Eating establishments fulfill humans' basic need to eat. Consequently, Subway - in addition to McDonald's, Wendy's, Susie's Deli, etc. - are making fortunes because people NEED TO EAT."
And that's when I think to myself: "I could make billions."
So, right then and there, waiting for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I begin - in complete seriousness - brainstorming various human needs and how I can meet them through my own business (AKA "How I Made My First Million").
"How about sleeping? People need places to sleep, right? Oh, damn. Right. Hotels. Hotels already do that."
I continue...
"How about staying warm? People need to stay warm, right? Shit. Right. Clothes."
That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly was working under the assumption that... OUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS HAD GONE UNFULFILLED FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS. What a dope.
STUDENT: (clearing throat) But, Professor Rust?
ME: Yes. You there. In the orange sweater vest and wire-rimmed glasses.
STUDENT: With all due respect, sir, what about... love?
ME: Excuse me?
STUDENT: Love. After all these years, sir, do we not struggle to fulfill our basic human need for love?
ME: ... You. You, boy. You are the instructor now. And I? I am the student.
In related news, did you know they quit giving out stamps at Subway (TM)? How else am I gonna' get me a free meatball sub?!
But why? Why is Subway (TM) so popular?
Yes, the sandwiches are tasty. Yes, it is affordably priced. And yes, the old-timey newspaper wallpaper is fun to read while you're eating with friends. Yes, yes, yes.
But why - deep down - is Subway (TM) so popular?
"Peoples gotta' eat," I think to myself. 'Tis true, Pauly Dangerfield. Peoples do got to eat.
So my mind begins to wander. I think, "And furthermore, to a greater extent, that's why restaurants in general are popular, Paul. Eating establishments fulfill humans' basic need to eat. Consequently, Subway - in addition to McDonald's, Wendy's, Susie's Deli, etc. - are making fortunes because people NEED TO EAT."
And that's when I think to myself: "I could make billions."
So, right then and there, waiting for a "tuna wrap" at Subway (TM), I begin - in complete seriousness - brainstorming various human needs and how I can meet them through my own business (AKA "How I Made My First Million").
"How about sleeping? People need places to sleep, right? Oh, damn. Right. Hotels. Hotels already do that."
I continue...
"How about staying warm? People need to stay warm, right? Shit. Right. Clothes."
That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. Yours truly was working under the assumption that... OUR BASIC HUMAN NEEDS HAD GONE UNFULFILLED FOR THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF YEARS. What a dope.
STUDENT: (clearing throat) But, Professor Rust?
ME: Yes. You there. In the orange sweater vest and wire-rimmed glasses.
STUDENT: With all due respect, sir, what about... love?
ME: Excuse me?
STUDENT: Love. After all these years, sir, do we not struggle to fulfill our basic human need for love?
ME: ... You. You, boy. You are the instructor now. And I? I am the student.
In related news, did you know they quit giving out stamps at Subway (TM)? How else am I gonna' get me a free meatball sub?!
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