Watch Paul Rust Age Behind Glass

2008-10-29T12:13:00.000-07:00

PAUL IS DEAD. Not me, silly. Paul McCartney. Or so goes the urban legend.

In case you haven't heard, the story is that Paul McCartney of The Beatles died in 1966 and was replaced by a look-alike and sound-alike. Folks say that the surviving Beatles deliberately placed hints referring to Paul's death in their lyrics, album artwork, and backward messages.

A lot of people think this is hogwash. WELL, I DON'T!

In fact, I recently came across the track list for The Beatles "Abbey Road" and was shocked to discover how THE BEATLES ARE OBVIOUSLY HINTING THAT PAUL IS DEAD IN THE SONG TITLES!!! It only requires the smallest amount of interpretation. Take a look...

1."Come Together"
Get it? As in, let's "come together" to mourn Paul's death. Seems obvious, doesn't it? Well, the hints only get more obvious with each song...

2."Something"
What do people always say when a person dies? "We should get something for the family." OR: "The tombstone should say something." OR: " "Let's bury him in something." If I've heard that last statement once at a funeral, I've heard it a million times.

3."Maxwell's Silver Hammer"
Now I don't have proof to back me up, but I think we can all safely assume that the guy who pounded the nails into Paul's coffin was named Maxwell. And by "safely assume," I mean "certainly know." We can also certainly know that Maxwell used a hammer to do the job. The only creative leap required to make the interpretation work is that Maxwell's hammer was probably not silver, but more likely, gold or bronze. Leave it to those tricksters, The Beatles, to try and throw us off!

4. "Oh! Darling!"
Say "Oh Darling" over and over really fast. I did. After an hour, you know what it starts to sound like? "Isn't it sad that Paul has died?" Go ahead. Do it. This blog will still be here when you come back.

5. "Octupus's Garden"
First of all, how freaky was it that after an hour of repeating "Oh! Darling!" it sounded like "Isn't it sad that Paul has died?" Secondly, Paul was allegedly murdered by an octopus in his garden.

6. "I Want You (She's So Heavy")
The theory that "She's So Heavy" refers to the weight Paul's pallbearers had to carry is a theory shared by many people (or "MORONS" as I'll call them). Helllllooooo? Paul is a HE. Not a SHE. Clearly, "She's So Heavy" is in reference to Paul's wife who was so sad about her husband's death that she ate a lot of cake and got fat.

7. "Here Comes the Sun"
Hey
Everyone
Reports
Explain
Calamity
Occurred:
McCartney
Experienced a
Sudden,
Tragic
Horrible,
Elephant-sized,
Sudden,
Unexpected
Neck injury during a motorcycle accident which led to his untimely death.

8. "Because"
God, why did Paul have to die?
"Because," God said.

9. "The Medley" (a musical suite consisting of 8 songs)
At the reading of Paul's will, his relatives likely said "You Never Give Me Your Money," but took comfort in knowing that Paul was now with the The Sun King (which is how the British refer to God) and not Mean Mr. Mustard (which is how the British refer to Satan) or Polythene Pam (which is how the British refer to Satan's wife) who is, of course, infamous for the time She Came In Through the Bathroom Window of Nelson Rockefeller's home to sleep on his bed of dubloons (to partake in Golden Slumbers, no doubt) before having to remain inactive or in a state of repose until the main character of "Sex and the City" appeared (i.e. Wait for Carrie) (i.e. Carry That Weight) and then listened to that one song on Abbey Road entitled "The End."

10. "Her Majesty"
I could try to come up with an interpretation for this song title, but it would be a stretch.

Well, I hope this was as eye-opening for you as it was for me. Some of you may disagree with my findings, but I guess it's like the title of that old Beatles song: "You Can't Always Get What You Want (But If You Try Some Time, You Might Just Find, You Get What You Need)."

2008-10-13T13:00:00.000-07:00

Well, it's time for my weekly segment "GIVE ME A BREAK" where I take a look at all that's going on in our world and say: "Give me a break!!"

1. THIS PRESIDENTIAL RACE THING
Y'know, sometimes, I just wish it was November 5 already. I really mean that. That way, we wouldn't have to hear all this garbage about who's going to be our next President. Barack Obama? John McCain? Let's just declare "Tony the Tiger" president and get it over with! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

2. ALL THIS MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL NONSENSE
I once read a refrigerator magnet that said: "We now interrupt this marriage to bring you the football season." Haha! HOW TRUE! Granted, I'm not married and the subject here is baseball, but I think the basic idea still applies: We need to rid the world of all pro baseball teams or we risk the legal outlawing of marriage. Stop baseball from happening, President-to-Be Tony the Tiger! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

3. THIS "TOY STORY 2" BULL CRAP!!
Okay, kids. Me and your mom understand: You want us to buy you the new Woody and Buzz Lightyear dolls! Well, I'll tell you what. If you like cowboys fighting spacemen so much... THEN PICK UP A HISTORY BOOK! It's filled with all kinds of true-life stories about Wild West cowpokes lasso-ing astronauts. And if you don't believe me, just ask our current president: Tony the Tiger! GIVE ME A BREAK!!

4. THIS FINANCIAL CRISIS BUGABOO
Listen up, world, I'll cut you a deal: I write you a check for 5 trillion dollars and in exchange? YOU SHUT YOUR BIG MOUTH!! To be honest, I'm surprised our long-standing President Tony T. Tiger hasn't taken care of this already (isn't this why we made it legal for presidents to have 5 terms?). GIVE ME A BREAK!!

5. THE UNTIMELY DEATH OF PRESIDENT TONY THE TIGER
After 36 years as our President of the United States of America, you entered that great cereal jungle in the sky. Man, heaven's gonna' one helluva band! Give me a break? Not today. Give yourself a break, Tony. You earned it.

2008-02-27T00:46:00.000-08:00

Hi!

Last week, I received some exciting news about a role in a movie. And today, it was officially announced in Variety.

You can read about it online here.

Next Monday, I leave for Vancouver - where I'll be shooting until the end of May. I'm really excited!

If you'd like, you can catch me in a couple shows before I leave LA:

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL (long-form improv)
Friday, February 29 - 11pm
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Ave - Los Angeles)

NOT TOO SHABBY
Friday, February 29 - midnight
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Ave - Los Angeles)

Thanks,
paul

2008-02-17T16:47:00.000-08:00

Did you hear the latest entertainment news? The San Diego Zoo bought the rights to all of Clint Eastwood's movies (just the ones he starred in).

Now they're remaking each and every one... with their own San Diego Zoo-style twist!

Here's a list of all the San Diego Zoo's upcoming Clint Eastwood remakes:

1. A Fistful of Dollars = A Fistful of Dolphins
2. For a Few Dollars More = For a Few Dolphins More
3. The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly = The Good, The Bat, and the Ugly
4. Paint Your Wagon = Paint Your Waggin' Tail
5. Play Misty for Me = Play Misty for Me-erkat
6. Dirty Harry = Dirty HAIRy
7. High Plains Drifter = High Plains Dragon (note: they now have dragons at the zoo)
8. Magnum Force = Magnum Four-ce (note: because animals often have 4 legs)
9. Thunderbolt and Lightfoot = Tiger-bear and Lice-fox
10. The Outlaw Josey Wales = The Outlaw Josey WHales
11. The Enforcer = The En-FOUR-cer (note: again, animals have 4 legs)
12. The Gauntlet = The Gaunt-lettuce (note: turtles eat lettuce)
13. Any Which Way But Loose = Any Which Way But Goose
14. Escape from Alcatraz = Escape from Al-CAT-raz
15. Bronco Billy = Bronco (Like, A Horse) Billy
16. Any Which Way You Can = Any Which Way You Tou-can
17. Firefox = Fire-hippo
18. Honkytonk Man = Honkytonk Man-atee
19. Sudden Impact = Sudden Impact: This Time, The Detective is a Cheetah
20. Tightrope = Tig(er)htrope
21. Two Mules for Sister Sara = Two Saras for Sister Mule
22. City Heat = Horsey Heat
23. Pale Rider = Pail Rider
24. Heartbreak Ridge = Heart-beak Ridge
25. The Dead Pool = The Dread Pool (note: an elephant has never had dreadlocks)
26. Pink Cadillac = Pink Caddyshack
27. White Hunter Black Heart = White Horse Black Horse is a Zebra
28. The Rookie = The Cookie
29. Unforgiven = UnFOURgiven (note: animals still often have four legs)
30. In the Line of Fire = In the Lion of Walrus
31. A Perfect World = A Purrrr-fect Kitty
32. The Bridges of Madison County = The Bridges of Madison Bloom County Characters
33. Absolute Power = Absolut Vodka Has Probably Featured an Animal in Their Ads Before, I Bet
34. True Crime = True Donkey
35. Space Cowboys = Young Guns 2
36. Blood Work = Blood Work
37. Million Dollar Baby = Million Dolphin Baby

I won't be able to see any of these movies because they're rated R and mommy won't allow me to see them.

2008-02-01T16:06:00.001-08:00

When I was 9 years old, a friend of mine and I were watching Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade at his house. Halfway into the movie, my friend's mom came into the living room and started watching it with us.

She had never seen it before, so without describing the end of the film, we warned her that it contained a scene she might not want to stick around and watch (referring to the scary climax when the villain drinks from the wrong cup and rapidly turns into a corpse).

And she goes, "Why? Is there nudity?"

WHAT?!

I ask you: What grown woman thinks an Indiana Jones movie would end with nudity?

I am VERY curious what sort of scenario she cooked up that could justify nudity in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Maybe she thought after finding the Holy Grail, Indiana Jones travels to a nearby high school, disguises himself as a female gym teacher and watches some girls shower? Or maybe before getting on his horse to ride of onto the sunset in the final shot, Indiana Jones turns to the camera and moons the audience?

Or shows his penis to the audience?

"One last peek before I go," Indiana Jones would say to camera, winking and smiling.

Needless to say, my fingers are crossed that my friend's mom did some uncredited script-doctoring on the forthcoming Indiana Jones 4 and that it will indeed end with an extreme close-up of Indiana Jones' genitals.

2008-01-03T19:55:00.000-08:00

2007: A Survey For The New Millenium!

This is the fourth year of me doing this survey. Let's go!

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
I ran a marathon. I bought clothes in Los Angeles. I put contact lenses into my eyes.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
For 2007, I didn't have any new year's resolutions, so there was nothing to keep. For 2008? Since new year's resolutions are opportunities to improve oneself and become a better person, I resolve to... make more funny videos and put 'em on the internet!!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Lots and lots and lots. There must have been something in the water! (NOTE: I checked with the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power and apparently, they dispensed a large percentage of liquid known as "HORNY WATER")

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Fortunately, no. And don't get any big ideas for 2008, Mr. Brooks!

5. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
Consistency

6. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory?
Friday, May 11, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
For the first time, I made a living from writing/performing

8. What was your biggest failure?
Taking that wrong turn in the marathon and shaving off 4 miles from my run. Months of training with no feeling of completion.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Illness? No. Injury? Nuh-uh. But was I in a jury? NO WAY!

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The cast of Brighton Beach Memoirs (1986)

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The cast of Biloxi Blues (1988)

12. Where did most of your money go?
I bought a car.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing and performing

14. What song will always remind you of 2007?
You Got Yr. Cherry Bomb (Spoon)

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier!
b) thinner or fatter?
The same.
c) richer or poorer?
"I have more money than last year" is probably a better way of putting it

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Celebratin'!

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Mopin'!

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Hung out with my family in LeMars, Iowa

19. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes

20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No

21. What was your favorite TV program?
I got into The Larry Sanders Show this year

22. What was the best book you read?
Born Standing Up by Steve Martin

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing Changes Around Here (The Thrills)

24. What did you want and get?
Good friends! Good times! Good health!

25. What did you want and not get?
A special pair of gloves that can change the color of a room (according to how many times I slap my hands together)

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
There Will Be Blood

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My friends and I watched Rookie of the Year, ate yummy food, and played a game where you had to guess what movie plot a person was pantomiming (Mookie's Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo was a highlight). I turned 26.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Geeze Louise! I already said "consistency!"

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Li'l Scamp

30. What kept you sane?
I have friends who are compassionate, funny, and kind

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Frivilous lawsuits! They're making a mockery of our legal system! Last time I checked, coffee at McDonald's was supposed to be hot, people!

32. Who did you miss?
My family

33. Who was the best new person you met?
Zoe

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
"Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration" (Steve Martin)

2007-12-31T03:07:00.000-08:00

Hey! I wanted to post about this before I forgot, but I a really, really funny thing happened to me today at the Burbank airport.

I was waiting for my duffel bag at the luggage carousel and because my bag is red, whenever I saw a piece of red luggage.... I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE!!!

"Boy, you sure have a dumb brain," I said to myself (probably).

I should clarify: I didn't think ever piece of red luggage was my red duffel bag. Just certain pieces of red luggage (especially if it resembled a duffel bag from far away).

Like I said, it was really funny! Hey, I gave you fair warning, didn't I?

2007-12-19T03:01:00.001-08:00

Hey, Iowa City friends!

I'm coming back to Iowa for the holidays and this Friday, my band DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE will be playing in Iowa City. Here's the info:

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 21
9:30PM
THE PICADOR (330 E. Washington St.)
(playing with The Puritanicals and The Brown Note)

Doors open at 9PM. We're the first to play. Please come out and enjoy the show (and maybe we can catch up afterwards?)

In addition to me, DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE features Mike Cassady (who also went to the University of Iowa) and the fantastic Joe Gallaro (as our IC replacement drummer). We're a piano-pop outfit and you can hear our songs on our myspace page:

www.myspace.com/dontstoporwelldie

Hope to see you there! Drop me a line if you plan on coming!

2007-12-17T01:24:00.000-08:00

Hey, kids (between roughly the ages of 5 and 8)!

If you fall asleep on a long car trip (say, coming back from your grandma's house), but happen to wake up as your parents are parking the car in your driveway... here's a tip! Act like you're still asleep. That way, your dad will carry you from the car to the house and then your mom will tuck you into bed! You won't have to move a muscle!

(Plus, it's a gentle, reassuring reminder that your parents care for you)

2007-12-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

The cool dudes at Metromix asked Neil Campbell and I to do their Ask a Comic this week. You can read it here.

2007-12-11T19:48:00.001-08:00

KINDERGARTEN
When my name's called at role call, I hide underneath my desk and say, "Not here!" Class eats it up. Thank you.

FIRST GRADE
Above the drinking fountain, there's a Xerox-ed advertisement for Police Academy 6: City Under Siege, which the local movie theater has mysteriously taped to the wall. Weird? Not at all. It's called "viral marketing," folks!

SECOND GRADE
Teacher scolds me for misbehaving in class. I apologize by drawing her a picture of me crying. (This is basically how I apologize to people for the next 17 years)

THIRD GRADE
Teacher's son returns home from war in Iraq and visits our class to answer all our questions. Yes, he did know my friend Rick's sister in high school!

FOURTH GRADE
Female classmate brings father's nude playing cards to school and hides them in her locker. You can look at 'em, if you ask.

FIFTH GRADE
Dead bat found in aquarium.

SIXTH GRADE
Teacher always - always - says "approximate" when giving us the running times for videos we watch in class. Always. Weird.

SEVENTH GRADE
Over summer vacation, I enter puberty. I want my classmates (especially the girls) to know, but that's not something you can announce. Then on the first day of school, teacher says in front of entire class, "Paul, you look different." Yay, she did it for me!

EIGHTH GRADE
I return from Christmas break with a new haircut. It's one of those "Caesar cuts" like that guy from ER. I'm hot shit!

2007-12-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I forget I'm living in Los Angeles...

The palm trees. The sunny skies. The ocean breeze.

I take them all for granted.

Then I see a bulldog riding shotgun in a convertible...

And I remember I'm living in Los Angeles.

Cherish these moments.

2007-12-02T02:16:00.001-08:00

I bought a new car. I like it a lot, but the CD player doesn't work. It plays a song for about 30 seconds, then stops.

Tonight, I was driving in Los Angeles, listening to the song "Shady Lane" by Pavement. And a minute in, I realize, "Hey, the song's not stopping like it usually does. Yay!"

So, this is dumb, but I begin to reflect on the larger implications of my CD player (because I'm deep like that). Maybe - maaaaaaybe - this is a metaphor for LIFE?!! Y'know, you can get bummed out about stuff being sucky and not working out for you... and then out of nowhere, life surprises you and something goes your way. A SONG DOESN'T STOP PLAYING! And that's pretty cool. So maybe shit ain't so bad after all?

Then the song stops.

I was anticipating that, of course. As soon as I came up with the whole CD-player-as-metaphor-for-life thing, I instantly thought, "So if this song stops, I'm gonna' get bummed out because that's saying - what? - happiness is fleeting and it's our lot in life to be miserable and disappointed."

And guess what? When the song stopped, I got really really sad. Started welling up with tears? Weeeeeiiiiiiiird.

And then - woah! - the song starts up again. It's never done that before! Normally, the song stops, the CD player says "ERROR," and I switch to a radio station instead. So I'm genuinely, genuinely, genuinely surprised that the song resumed. Why were you almost crying, Paul? This is awesome.

Yay! Take that, metaphor! It's NOT our lot in life to be miserable and disappointed!

Then the song stops and the CD player says "ERROR."

Bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh. I don't want to think about it anymore.

NOTE:
It wasn't until writing this blog that I realized the song "Shady Lane" is all about this sort of stuff. Except Pavement does it in a much better, more artful and affecting way. So listen to the song (it's really good and I linked to the video below) and enjoy it and have a nice day, okay?

2007-11-28T20:50:00.000-08:00

Here's a little known fact about Steven Spielberg's 1991 film Hook:

It's the first movie in history that no one liked.

2007-11-20T15:51:00.001-08:00

PAUL RUST'S GUIDE TO EASY LIVING
Installment #37: Purchasing Coca-Cola

1. Go to your local Albertson's grocery store. Walk, don't drive. After all, Albertson's is just around the corner. It's exercise for you and good for the environment!

2. Pick up a 12-pack of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style) and bring it to the register for purchase.

3. Listen to Albertson's cashier lady as she tells you: "If you buy 1 pack of Coke, you get 2 free." Consider how this is a deal you can't refuse.

4. Go back and grab 2 more 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic. IMPORTANT: Make sure to forget that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

5. Purchase 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-pack style). As cashier lady rings you up, reflect on how Coca-Cola seems to put Santa Claus on their cans earlier and earlier with each passing year. Reflect only on that.

6. Watch Albertson's sacker put groceries in plastic bags. When sacker asks if you want your bags in a cart, then - and only then - let it dawn on you that you didn't bring your car to Albertson's.

7. Walk the 2 blocks back to you apartment while struggling to carry 3 12-packs of Coca-Cola Classic (fridge-style).

8. On your walk, attempt multiple, unsuccessful methods of carrying 3 12-packs at once (i.e. one pack in each hand and the third pack under your arm, two packs in one hand and the third pack in the other hand, one pack in one hand and two packs under your arm). Rotate between each method every 50 feet.

9. Get embarrassed when a woman walks by and laughs at how you (a grown man) is struggling to carry 3 12-packs of soda pop.

10. At long last, enter your home. Kick back, relax, and award yourself with a tall, cool glass of... Diet Rite?!! Oh, no! Back to Albertson's, I guess!***

***Step #10 was written by author O. Henry

2007-11-12T00:48:00.000-08:00

I recently had the pleasure of being interviewed by Dean Ryan from Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly, the magazine completely devoted to the study and appreciation of tiny brown rowboats. Here's the interview in its entirety:

Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly (TBRM): Hey, Paul, thanks for sitting down for this interview.

Paul Rust (PR): The pleasure is all mine. I'm a huge fan of Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly. And obviously, tiny brown rowboats as objects.

TBRM: So, let's get right down to the "nuts and bolts," as they say: how long have you owned your tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Oh. I don't own a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: You... don't?

PR: Nope.

TBRM: But certainly, you owned a tiny brown rowboat at some point in your life?

PR: I have never once owned a tiny brown rowboat.

TBRM: Hmmm.

PR: Does that surprise you, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: I guess I'm just --- I'm shocked. I mean, it begs the question: why have you been reading Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly all these years if you yourself don't own a tiny brown rowboat?

PR: Do you read Newsweek, Mr. Ryan?

TBRM: Yes, but I don't see what that has to do with anything ---

PR: Do you OWN a "newsweek?"

TBRM: Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I ---

PR: Then why must I own a tiny brown rowboat to read Tiny Brown Rowboat Monthly? Glass houses!

TBRM: You didn't let me finish. I was going to say, "Don't be ridiculous. Of course, I own a newsweek."

PR: You own a "newsweek." How is that even possible?

TBRM: What are you implying? That because I'm earning a journalist's wages, I can't afford to own my own "newsweek?"

PR: No, it's just that a "newsweek" doesn't even exist. It's not an object you could own.

TBRM: Really? Come with me. I want to show you something.

(PAUL RUST follows DEAN RYAN from TINY BROWN ROWBOAT MONTHLY as he walks to DEAN RYAN'S garage. DEAN RYAN opens his garage door)

(PAUL RUST gasps)

PR: Dear God!

TBRM: Now do you believe that a "newsweek" can exist?

PR: I do now!!!

TBRM: Good. May we continue with this interview?

PR: (really shaken up) Gladly. But just let me --- I'm so --- allow me to apologize. I'm sorry I doubted you about owning a "newsweek." Now that I see it... it's so... so... it's so obvious what a "newsweek" is and what it could be and I can't believe I ever doubted you.

TBRM: Water under the bridge, Mr. Rust.

PR: One more thing. And then we can continue with this interview.

TRBM: Go ahead.

PR: May I see your little brown rowboat?

TBRM: I don't own one. Never have.

PR: GEEZE, FOLKS!!! AIN'T THAT JUST THE WAY?!!!

2007-10-24T04:17:00.000-07:00

I watched the movie Seven three times last night.

Now I'm old enough to drink!

2007-09-28T01:45:00.000-07:00

Y'know, there's a BRAND-NEW song playing on the radio lately and it's got a line that goes something like this:

They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway.

Yeah. Okay. But you know what? Neon lights ALSO shine bright somewhere else...

Las Vegas!

Open up your eyes, America's songwriters! And get your facts straight!!!

2007-09-25T03:03:00.001-07:00

Hey, y'all -

I'm in two bands. Click on the link to check out their MySpace pages.

THE GLASS BEEF
Charlyne Yi and I play genuine rock-n-roll. We have a show this Friday at the UCB Theatre where will be selling our new debut CD.

DON'T STOP OR WE'LL DIE
Michael Cassady, Harris Wittels, and I play epic pop. We recorded last week and our new page features some of the early mixes.

If you like what you hear, make these bands your MySpace friends and spread the word, please.

Thanks!

2007-09-10T00:26:00.001-07:00

Hey, gimme a break, people! I'm trying real hard to learn how to play the trumpet!

Every morning, I wake up, crack my knuckles, take a seat on that stool... and start wailing on those beautiful 88 keys!

Wait a minute. 88 keys... alternating between black and white... makes a piano sound when I touch them...

Oh, no! For the past 7 years, I haven't been learning how to play the trumpet at all!

I've been learning how to play the... PIANO!!!

Oh, well! Back to the ol' drawing board!

(The ol' TRUMPET board, that is!)

2007-09-10T00:19:00.001-07:00

Y'know, it's funny. I hear all this talk: "Will the Western ride again?"

Just a moment ago, I read a headline on IMDB.com and it asked: "Will the Western ride again?"

And my answer is this: Hey, we'll just have to wait and see how much money 3:10 to Yuma makes on its opening weekend!

Maybe through that, we'll be better suited to answer that question...

Will the Western ride again?

2007-09-08T05:07:00.001-07:00

I'd just like to point out that right now (at age 26, in September 2007), I am at my most handsome.

The most handsome I've ever been in my whole life.

And although my face is certainly not the most handsome when compared to others' faces, it's definitely the most handsome when compared to my past faces.

And that's something I shouldn't be too shy to acknowledge about myself.

Self-esteem.

2007-09-06T11:29:00.000-07:00

These were just announced. Seats may still be available. Hope you can make it out!

2007-09-04T15:07:00.001-07:00

First episode of "Dumbshits"

Dumbshits: Episode 1

2007-08-31T10:59:00.000-07:00

So I was watching that Adam Sandler movie "Click" and I gotta' say: THAT ADAM SANDLER GUY IS A MAJOR JERK! Making a girl's boobs bounce in slow-motion? Pulling down a guy's pants in freeze-frame? VERY IMMATURE!!!

Did he learn nothing in "Billy Madison?" I recommend that Mr. Sandler go back to school and repeat grades one through twelve ALL OVER AGAIN! And this time around, DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME! That means...

NO EATING PASTE!
NO THROWING BALLS AT LITTLE KIDS!
NO PUTTING FAKE LICE ON YOUR HEAD TO SCARE THE NURSE AND MAKE HER FAINT!

And if you succeed in completing all twelve grades again, maybe - JUST MAYBE - if you're acting nicely, I'll allow you to go out to the golf course and hit golf balls like they were hockey pucks!!!

Love,
Your Biggest Fan

2007-08-30T11:53:00.000-07:00

The writers of "The Right Now! Show" made a video yesterday. Many have called it the greatest music video ever created.

Under Pressure

Completely authorized by Queen and David Bowie.

2007-08-29T14:56:00.001-07:00

Boy, I sure do use my debit card a lot!

If the world ever went back to cash or credit, I'd be like: "Hey, why'd we go back to cash and credit? Debit cards were working so well!"

2007-08-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

I've thought about this for a long time (5 years now), but I've finally determined the worst ways you could die.

1. You're going down a playground slide and there's spikes at the bottom of the slide
2. You jump off a high board and there's spikes in the swimming pool
3. You go into an elevator and the ceiling lowers down and there's spikes on it
4. You get into a car accident and the airbag is spikes
5. You lay down in bed and spikes fall on you
6. A pair of glasses with spikes
7. A vest with spikes
8. Spikes
9. Spikes
10. A rollercoaster with spikes

2007-08-01T01:17:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody. Some exciting news has just been announced.

I've been hired as a writer and cast member on a new comedy show pilot for FOX known as "The Right Now! Show." I'll be working on it for the next month and a half, then taping it either Friday, Sept 14 or Monday, September 17 in Los Angeles. Once I get the definite date and info, I'll post it here, so if you're in town, you can come check it out.

This should be really fun. I get the pleasure and honor of working with some of the funniest, smartest, most original folks doing comedy. And if the show gets picked up to air (hopefully early 2008), I think you'll like it, too.

Bye-bye.

2007-06-23T01:55:00.001-07:00

Hey, IMDB! What do you mean A Fine Mess doesn't have a trivia section?!

Some database you are!!!

2007-06-20T13:54:00.000-07:00

Watch this video. And when it hits :32 seconds, prepare to give your computer a high-five!

2007-06-19T03:19:00.000-07:00

Time to make my fantasy rock band!

Okay. First up. We need a drummer. Is there any doubt? Keith Moon! The Who's resident "wild"-man will surely be up to the task of keeping the beat... and definitely NOT keeping the peace. 1, 2, 3, 4! You're behind this fantasy band's drum kit, my man!

Next? The bassist. A bass guitar may only have four strings, but a master musician needs at least 8 fingers (or more) to play. So that's why I nominate Flea, the Red Hot Chili Peppers' resident "wild"-man to take on bassin' duties. Just promise me one thing, Flea? Never stop playin' the bass (even between each song).

Now who? Now who? Let me look here. Ah yes. The guitarist! Three words: Jimi, Jimi, Jimi. And no, it's not the Jimi you're thinking of. I'm talking about Jimi Hendrix! If he plays half as good as it looked like he did on that poster of my sister's in 1992, then we're in for a treat!

And finally, the lead vocalist. At the risk of sounding like a braggart, may I humbly suggest... Mick Jagger?! That's right. The Jag-uar. The only thing bigger than those famous lips? His hips. His wide, wide hips. The widest hips in all of rock, ladies and gentlemen. That's why his band was so frequently referred to as "The Rolling Stones and The Big, Baggy Jeans That Mick Jagger Has to Wear."

That's it. That's my fantasy rock band.

Oh, what's that? You want a name for this ultimate rock band?

Easy.

"The Blogspot Band," of course!

2007-05-23T04:08:00.000-07:00

For a couple of years now, the right side of my car has been all smashed up.

Recently, while I was driving down Melrose Avenue, a guy pulled up to me and yelled out from his car window, "Hey, buddy! I can fix your car for $250!"

I politely declined and said, "No thanks."

To which he replied...

"Okay, okay. I'll do it for $500!"

Sir, you drive a hard bargain.

2007-05-21T02:59:00.000-07:00

I love my parents!

Read about 'em and you, too, will fall in love!

My dad's been running a shoe repair store for 35 years!

My mom's a teacher and her students are in the National History Day competition!

2007-05-09T03:33:00.000-07:00

When I was 13 years old, I really wanted to see Pulp Fiction, but since it was rated R, I wasn't allowed to. So instead, I got my fix through the bits and pieces I'd see in TV ads and clips on talk shows. And the part that I saw most of all was the Uma Thurman/John Travolta dance sequence.

And that was the one scene that everybody talked about. On and on and on. But I only got to see a brief part of it. So I'd imagine what the scene was like - what happened and how it began and end. How they danced and how it looked and all that. And in my mind, it was the best scene in film history.

But then about a year later, I finally saw the big scene and it was very, very, very underwhelming. Not that it could ever live up to my fantasy.

Anyway, I just got done watching Pulp Fiction and I saw that scene and it was awesome. Now I know what everyone was talking about!

THE SAME CAN'T BE SAID ABOUT THE FOOD FIGHT SCENE IN ANIMAL HOUSE!!!

Growing up, I heard so much about that goddamned food fight! How it was THE food fight scene to end all food fight scenes in film. I heard so much hype about it that when I'd watch other movies with food fight scenes, I'd think, "Well, that was awesome, but I bet the one in Animal House is mind-blowing!"

Then I finally saw it when I was 11 years old and holy shit, does it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. It lasts, like, maybe - and I'm being very generous here - 25 seconds. And then it's over. And it's only in one high-angle wide shot. So lame.

In fact, the first time I saw it, I was so disappointed that I had to lie to myself. "Well, it's on TBS. They HAD to cut it down. It's too intense for basic cable." I had to delude myself because I couldn't bear to think that I had been lied to all these years.

And then of course, later, I saw it on video. And it still sucked.

It's too bad. In my mind, it was an epic food fight. It lasted as long as 15 minutes. And there were multiple close-ups of people throwing food and ducking behind over-turned tables. And every character fought in the food fight with an entire cafeteria of food at their disposal. And oh, one character even developed a special high-tech food-fight gadget to throw food really quickly. And there was definitely a shot of John Belushi soaring through the air in slow-motion, chucking food at others below him.

But it's not like that. NOT AT ALL!

Dear Hollywood, when will you finally make this food fight scene?

Signed,
Paul Rust

2007-03-03T06:20:00.001-08:00

My ranking of 2006 movies continues...

21. Neil Young: Heart of Gold
If tapping your foot wasn't a crime, I would have tapped my foot throughout this entire movie!

22. Scoop
Two SCOOPS of Woody Allen please!

What's that you say? You don't make Woody Allen Ice Cream? Doesn't exist? Hmmm. Then... I'll have some Cherry Nut Ice Cream. You say you just ran out. Well then... let's go with the, uhhhh... Rocky Road? You ATE all the Rocky Road?!! Well, this is perfect. Juuuuuust perfect. What's the name of this ice cream parlour anyway? You're kidding me... Woody Allen's Ice Cream Shop. AND IT ALL COMES TOGETHER!!!

23. Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest
1, 2... SWASH-buckle my shoe?!! You heard it here first, folks!

24. Little Man
THIS COULD NOT HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE!!!

25. Rocky Balboa
Did you know that some professional boxers train by taking ballet lessons? Rocky Balboa doesn't, but some do. And not just boxers. All kinds of athletes. Basketball players. Football players. Baseball players. It helps them with their balance and strength and all that.

26. Strangers with Candy
Strangers with Candy? Or hardly working?!

27. Idiocracy
This movie should come with a warning: "NO DUMMIES ALLOWED!"

28. X-Men: The Last Stand
When a cure is found to treat mutations, lines are drawn amongst the X-Men, led by Professor Charles Xavier (Stewart), and the Brotherhood, a band of powerful mutants organized under Xavier's former ally, Magneto (McKellen).

29. Poseidon
Major misstep when the most likable character in the film (Kevin Dillon) was the first to die.

30. The Hills Have Eyes
The Hills may have eyes, but... I got ears! Cut down on the foul language!

31. A Scanner Darkly
They're making an underwater sequel (A Scanner Shark-ly), but not until they're done making a remake with an all-dog cast (A Scanner Bark-ly)... and a prequel featuring some chark (A Scanner Chark-ly).

32. This Film Is Not Yet Rated
Oh yes, it is! By me! D+!

33. The Da Vinci Code
Tom Hanks' worst film since The Risk Pool.

34. Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Boring.

35.For Your Consideration
Beware Caddyshack 2 fans! This is not a sequel to your favorite movie! The title is spelled with a "For," not a "Fore." I found out the hard way (I went to a country club and asked the head caddy for one ticket to Fore Your Consideration and he - very confused - asked me to leave... golfing to the pros!)

36. Date Movie
Anything but! (It's got some really crude humor from time to time)

37. Firewall
For serious, this was the first time I saw an I-Pod in a movie.

38. Lady in the Water
A lady in the water?! Someone call Erin Brokovich! (Bow)

39. Basic Instinct 2
#1 Way to Feel Weird: Watch this in a movie theatre on a Sunday night.

40. Miami Vice
Out of all the movies I saw in 2006, I would definitely rank this at #40.

2007-03-01T13:53:00.000-08:00

Well, it's early March, which means I'll do what most film critics in the country are doing right now... ranking their favorite movies of 2006!

1. The Departed
Our greatest living director leads a Dream Team ensemble of actors - and by "Dream Team," I mean a cast that most resembles the characters from 1989's The Dream Team.***

2. Mission: Impossible 3
Your mission. If you choose to accept it. Is to have a great time at the movies! Mission Impossible? Nay. Mission Very Possible!

3. Children of Men
Loved the movie, but I found some of their tie-in merchandise to be a little crass. Children of Men-tos?!!! Loved the candy, but c'mon, Hollywood, not everything is about the almighty dollar!!!

4. Final Destination 3
This was a fun night at the movies - even though I was uncomfortable that a 6 year-old girl sat behind me throughout this very violent, intense movie. I mean, I kept asking her to leave my living room, but she refused! Just kidding. This was at a movie theatre.

5. The Science of Sleep
If there was, in fact, a Science of Sleep... I would have definitely taken a course on it in college. Lord knows I slept through all my other classes!!! SNORE! SNORE! SCHOOL'S OUT, TEACHER!

6. V for Vendetta
The original title was DIAL V for Vendetta, but the filmmakers had to change it when people with the phone number "5" complained of receiving numerous prank phone calls. Rumor has it there hasn't been such a phone-number-related controversy this big in film since "867-5309 (Jenny): The Movie" and "The Spine Number on the Thriller Album: The Motion Picture."

7. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
VERY silly! And you know what? I don't think these clowns of the silver screen would have wanted it any other way!!!

8. The Black Dahlia
Hollywood's greatest unsolved crime! I'd ask OJ Simpson to get on the case and find the real killer, but he's probably too busy working on his golf swing (considering OJ's previous behavior and all).

9. Borat
Borat, I got one thing to say to you: "Oh, BEHAVE! Shag-a-delic!"

10. Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny
I admit. These two fellas are funny, but I would not - WOULD NOT - want them as guests in my house!!! J.B would probably break everything!!!

11. The Pursuit of Happyness
Call me old-fashioned, but I wish that little boy was computer-animated.

12. Dreamgirls
Hollywood loves its crossovers, soooo... and I'm just thinking out loud here... Dreamgirls Meet the Stars of All-Star Wrestling (WWF)!!! It'd be like the show Celebrity Deathmatch that used to be on MTV.

13. Superman Returns
First, Batman Returns. Then, Superman Returns. What next? Spiderman 3?!!! (EDIT: I found out this is true. If you can believe it, Hollywood's coming out with a Spiderman 3... this very summer!!)

14. Little Miss Sunshine
If I was one of the judges in the beauty pageant, I wouldn't have voted for little Olive's "performance" either. God, if you can even call it a "peformance." This was a wonderful movie until it was marred by such a disastrous (and foolish) choice of music and dance. Olive had such a good shot at winning until she did that! I know she loved her grandpa, but she shouldn't have listened to his advice!!! Period!!!

15. The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Devil. D... E-V-I-L. DEVIL = "EVIL." Think about it.

16. The Queen
Hats off to the movie capturing the mood and times surrounding Princess Di's death... although I must admit I was a little disappointed that they didn't include a scene of how I first heard Princess Di had died (outside Cory Schmitz's house, after I got off work at Hy-Vee).

17. Nacho Libre
I hate to beat a dead horse here, but... I AM STILL ANGRY ABOUT OLIVE'S PERFORMANCE IN LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE!!!! She could have won that beauty competition, but instead, she blew her chances with that tasteless dance! Whatever. I hope she feels okay about losing. There'll be other beauty pageants, I'm sure.

18. The Prestige
Hugh Jackman. Not only did you portray a wizard in this movie, but your performance itself was pure wizardry! Color me a muggle no more!

19. Monster House
A real estate agent's worst nightmare. (Just imagine a real estate agent trying to sell this house)

20. Hollywoodland
That's what Hollywood used to be called.

***Jack Nicholson is like Michael Keaton's character Billy Caufield (obviously). Leonardo DiCaprio IS - without question - Christopher Lloyd's Henry Sikorsky (think about it). Matt Damon and Stephen Furst's Albet Lanuzzi are the same person (literally). And I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that Mark Wahlberg is similar to Peter Boyle's Jack McDermott (boy, I'm gonna' get a lot of letters on that one!).

List will continue in next entry...

2007-02-10T05:05:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been re-reading Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live and I came across this great quote from Steve Martin about Gilda Radner. It really sums up Radner's appeal and in general, defines a quality that all my favorite entertainers possess. Thought I'd share it with you:

And then there was Gilda, who was the sweetest, kindest, funniest person. She was so happy on-camera, she had such a happy face on-camera, you really did grow to love her. You understand what it means when people say they "love" a performer, because they're bringing such happiness into their world.

2007-02-09T02:46:00.000-08:00

Don't ever start a sentence with "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." because 9 times out of 10, anybody who starts a sentence with that is in the wrong. Actually, no. 10 times out of 10. In fact, as soon as I hear "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." I've already decided that you - the person speaking - did something wrong. And I don't even have to hear the full story to know that you were wrong and in no way were you treated unfairly.

I'm not speaking to anyone directly here. I can't even recall anybody using this expression. But I sorta remember a middle-aged guy sulking outside a gas station in Iowa City and as customers entered, he'd stop them and say, "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not... I just wanted a cup of coffee and they threw me out!"

He didn't really say that. Not at all, to be honest. The only reason I remember him saying that is because that's what I EXPECTED him to say this when he stopped me from going into the gas station.

He stopped me to pitch a couple sketches to me. I was doing No Shame Theatre at the time and he had a couple ideas to bounce off of me. I only remember one. It was about a man and a woman in bed ("obviously post-coital," he said) and their talking about each other's orgasms. The woman's angry at the man about his orgasm (why?), so he says, "Hey, I don't complain about your little amusement park you got goin' there." And she - INSULTED! - goes, "My amusement park?! What do you mean, my amusement park?!!!"

Uhhhhh... that's an awesome sketch.

And even though he never said "Now, you tell me if this is fair or not..." he did say, "obviously post-coital," which my friends and I still quote to this day.

2006-12-29T15:39:00.000-08:00

2006: A Survey For The New Millenium!

Third year of me doing this survey. Off we go!

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
I snowboarded. The first two days were really tough, but the last two days were super-fun. This was back in January 2006 and I told myself, "See, Paul, it's good to try new things. Keep it up." It's now December 2006 and snowboarding has remained the only "new thing" I've tried all year. Oh, well. Snowboarding was fun.

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I guess "trying new things" was sort of 2006's New Year's Resolution, so... no, I didn't keep that. My resolution for 2007? MORE SNOWBOARDING!!!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No. But by the looks of it, this question's answer will be three paragraphs long next year (psssst - I'm murdering all my friends and loved ones)

5. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (21 dollar signs)

6. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory?
April 14, 2006

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Neil and I selling show ideas

8. What was your biggest failure?
Neil and I not getting into the Aspen Comedy Festival.

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Yet another clean bill of health. My secret? Eating a lot of food that's bad for you and rarely exercising.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Earth, Fire, Water, all my Wiccan brothers and sisters

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Air. Sometimes I wonder why we even praise you every fortnight!

12. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. Not the Broadway musical, but for my apartment... which is located directly underneath the stage for "Rent," the Broadway musical.

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Writing and performing

14. What song will always remind you of 2006?
"Common People" by Pulp

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier! Paul Rust: Increasingly Happier Since 2000.
b) thinner or fatter?
The same.
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer! Paul Rust: Increasingly Poorer Since 2004.

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Practicing my magic skills, so I can become a more responsible magician (particularly my skills at making audience volunteers disappear)

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Sending that small child to Magic Land: Level 7 and not being able to bring him back

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Having fun with friends and family in LeMars, Iowa.

19. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope. Did America fall in love with Benji? Definitely!!!

20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
THE BACKSTREET BOYS, N'SYNC, AND ALL THOSE ANNOYING BOY BANDS!!! SOMEBODY STOP THEM!!! PLEASE!!!!

21. What was your favorite TV program?
Stella

22. What was the best book you read?
Do all the Wikipedia entries on Oasis count as "a book?"

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
"The Black Parade" by My Chemical Romance. Best album of the year. (Yes, snobs, I'm being serious)

24. What did you want and get?
Sexual intercourse - every single day, 365 days of the year.

25. What did you want and not get?
Acceptance into the "I'm Addicted to My Sex Robot" support group.

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
"The Departed"

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Celebrated with friends at Chuck E. Cheese, then watched "The Garbage Pail Kids Movie." Quarter of a century.

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
I don't know about "immeasurably," but it'd been nice to own a beagle.

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
"Celtic Pride" (I wear the VHS around my neck on a chain)

30. What kept you sane?
Www.Google.com!

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
Unfortunately, politics weren't discussed much in those Wikipedia entries on Oasis that I read

32. Who did you miss?
Friends and family not living in Los Angeles

33. Who was the best new person you met?
The fellas of Hendershaw

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Um, I'm just beginning to understand things I learned in 1996.

2006-12-18T04:02:00.000-08:00

Last week, I read Pitchforkmedia's "200 Best Singles of the 1960's." I like lists like that. It helps me understand a very wide canvas through key examples. I wanna' make a list like that, but I probably don't have the authority to do so. Because I don't have that breadth of knowledge on any topic.

Except, of course, my own life. I know that pretty well.

I'm considering making a "Top 10 Most Pivotal Moments in My Life" list - although as I wrote that right now, I wanted to punch myself in the face. That's pretty dumb, huh? Awfully narcissistic, too. And who cares outside of me? (These are the main reasons I haven't regularly written in my blog for nearly two years now)

The idea would be to choose specific scenarios that shaped me as a person (for good and for bad). I think I'd be interested in reading that if somebody else did it. I'm 25 years old. Seems like a nice, round year to do some reflecting.

After all, at "Motown 25," Michael Jackson moonwalked to "Billie Jean." The least I can do for "Pauly Dangerfield 25" is write a few blog entries.

2006-12-11T01:39:00.000-08:00

What's that called when prisoners carve lines onto their cells walls to indicate how many days they've spent in prison? Y'know, the four vertical lines and then a fifth line across them? I can't remember what those scratches are called. They're not exclusive to prisoners. I mean, people use them all the time - like to keep track of points during a game of "Hangman" or something.

But it's been on the tip of my tongue for the past 5 days now and I've been avoiding writing this particular blog entry ever since because I can't remember the term.

Anyway. Trying to remember the term isn't the point of this blog. This is:

Ever since I was a kid, I thought about how if I was a prisoner, I'd be bad at scratching lines onto my cell wall. Physically, I could do it. But mentally? No. Like my first day in prison, I'd be like, "Alright, one scratch" and then I'd do it. But I bet it'd be kinda fun (carving walls is cool) and since prison is boring, I'd be like, "Okay, I'll carve one... for tomorrow. And then I just won't do one tomorrow." But then the next day would come and I'd be kicking myself for having done it the day before and not getting to have the fun for that day. So I'd be like, "Okay, one more. Then that's it... for real."

But then I'd do another one. And another.

Until I'd be like on my 17th scratch, but only on my third day in prison.

It's like eating Flinstone vitamins as a kid. You only get one a day, but you're like, "They taste like candy! I want another one!" In that case though, I'd control myself from taking another Flinstone vitamin. Because I thought it was like real medicine and if I had more than one a day, I'd get really sick and overdose or something.

Fortunately, I never overdosed or something.

2006-10-12T11:47:00.000-07:00

We all know that "BRB" means "Be Right Back" in Instant Messenger speak...

But it could also mean "Bath Room Break," which is often why we have to write "Be Right Back" during IM conversations.

I'll BRB from my BRB!

2006-10-05T20:39:00.000-07:00

I like Rube Goldberg machines a lot, so I've been watching a bunch of them in action on YouTube. Which is pretty cool.

You know what's NOT "pretty cool?"

Folks who make digital versions of Rube Goldberg machines with their computers and then put them on YouTube. Rube Goldberg machines are neat because you get to see it all clicking before your eyes with the possibility that things could go awry, but with a computer-generated Rube Goldberg machi

(Um, I honestly got so annoyed by these fake Rube Goldberg machines that I didn't want to write about them anymore. I'm cranky now and don't want to finish this blog. They're that stupid to me. Bye)

2006-10-03T03:24:00.000-07:00

I saw one of those plastic cups on the ground. The ones that are red on the outside and white on the inside?

And I thought, "Oh, that's cool. Netflix is making cups now."

2006-07-16T04:07:00.000-07:00

Do any of you live in NEW YORK CITY?

If so, I'm performing comedy in "The Giant Apple" soon.

You can see me here:

HERE'S THE THING
(stand-up comedy)
SUNDAY, JULY 23 - 8pm
FREE
Rififi/Cinema Classics
332 E 11th St btwn 1st & 2nd Ave
more info

NEIL AND PAUL: GROWING UP IS TOUGH
(sketch comedy)
MONDAY, JULY 24
8:00 PM
$5
(with FAT LIP)

UCB Theatre - NEW YORK
307 W 26TH ST
New York
(212) 366-9176

Two teenage brothers run away from home and discover a valuable lesson:
Sometimes growing up ... doesn't involve any actual physical growth at all.

Written and Performed by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust
Featuring Nick Wiger
Directed by Owen Burke

RESERVE YOUR TICKETS HERE!!!

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL
(improvisational comedy)
SUNDAY, JULY 30
1:00 AM (late Saturday/early Sunday)

UCB Theatre - NEW YORK
307 W 26TH ST
New York
(212) 366-9176
more info

And if you don't live in New York City, but know some folks who live there (and think they'd like this sort of thing), please tell 'em to go.

2006-06-19T04:46:00.000-07:00

From Wikipedia:

On March 24, 2004, Richard Simmons was arrested and charged with assault after allegedly slapping a motorcycle salesman at Sky Harbor International Airport in Phoenix, Arizona. The salesman, Chris Farney, spotted Simmons in the crowd and said, "Look, Richard Simmons! Drop your bags, let's rock to the '50s." Simmons replied, "It's not nice to make fun of people with issues." He then lightly slapped Farney's face. Farney, who was uninjured, called the police. All charges against Simmons were dropped.

I will go ahead and state the obvious: That motorcycle salesman is the funniest person in America.

"Drop your bags?" Hilarious. "Let's rock to the 50's?" Genius. What an amazing, amazing thing to say.

True, I don't necessarily care for Farney's mean-ness. I'm sure Richard Simmons is a nice guy and doesn't deserve public ridicule, but...

"Drop your bags, let's rock to the 50's" is the funniest statement I've heard in 15 years.

2006-06-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

I picked up a book of matches the other day.

And I realized that the total amount of matches I've lit through my entire life has been...

Thirty. Under thirty, easily.

I dunno. Fire really scared (scares) me, so I avoid lighting matches at all costs.

Then I lit a match and it burnt my thumb.

Burn me once? Shame on you. Burn me twice? Shame on... ewe.

2006-05-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

Watching Lou Reed perform on one of those mid-80's Saturday Night Live reruns last night, I recalled a misperception I had as a child.

I thought Lou Reed and Joe Piscopo were the same person. Take a look:

Those pictures don't really help my case. At all. But trust me... they look a lot alike.

2006-05-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

Let's say I had the power to re-shoot all the TV shows currently on Nick at Nite. And let's say I could re-cast the show... entirely with babies. So yeah, all the characters are portrayed by infants (6-10 months).

What Nick at Nite show would I most like to see with babies?

... Murphy Brown.

Nick at Nite! I demand a Baby Miles Silverberg!

2006-05-10T02:06:00.000-07:00

You know that Smashing Pumpkins' song "1979?"

It was released in 1995.

So there's a 16-year difference between 1979 and 1995.

That'd be like if somebody today in 2006 wrote a song called "1990."

... Gross.

2006-05-02T03:54:00.000-07:00

Just a moment ago, I was logging into my blogspot.com account and I typed my username as...

"Blogger."

For the record, my username is not "Blogger." It was one of those "brain farts" you hear about in the news.

But man, I wish I had the confidence to have my blogspot.com username be "blogger."

"That's right, blogspot.com! I'm all about blogging! You shall know me as blogger!"

And oh, my password would be "blog-opolis."

2006-04-30T12:53:00.000-07:00

"May Day" is tomorrow, which if you remember, is that special day when we leave baskets of candy on people's doorsteps, ring their doorbells, and run away. If we get caught, we get kissed.

Call me wily (Pauly T. Wily), but I got a few tricks up my sleeve for this year's "May Day."

Yeah, I'm gonna' leave some baskets of candy on some doorsteps. And sure, I'm gonna' ring some doorbells. And hell yes, I will run away - but just one catch: I'm gonna' run away reeaaaaal slow. I'll surely be caught!

You see, I wanna' be kissed!!!

And I won't be leaving baskets of candy on no ugly folks' doorsteps. No, no, no. Only the hottest babes will be visited by me on this "May Day." Have you forgotten I live in Los Angeles (AKA "The City of the Hottest Babes")?

So who will be getting surprise visits from Pauly T. Wily on May Day? How 'bout Cindy Crawford? Ever heard of her? Oh yeeeeaaah! I know she has a husband, but she's Fair Game in my book!

Then I'll take a little stroll around Kathy Ireland's neighborhood. Aye-chi-mama! What a hot tamale! I hear Ms. Ireland likes to kiss a little rough. Yes, her kissing requires some Necessary Roughness.

And last, but CERTAINLY NOT LEAST... Miss Bo Derek. On a scale of 1 to 10, she's a total... Bolero!

Yep, all three of those babes are gonna' have their lipstick on my cheeks... and the lipstick will be in the shape of their lips!

May Day Forever! (May 1, 2006 - Forever)

2006-04-27T22:04:00.000-07:00

Sorry, folks. I'm retiring my Celebrity Cited list. It got to be a burden - seeing a celebrity and then feeling obligated to remember him/her. Took the fun out of it, y'know? I knew it got bad when I saw a guy from Alias and I turned my head, pretending I hadn't seen him.

For those who are interested though... a couple of the celebs I saw in the interim: Zach De La Rocha eating salad and Corey Feldman having lunch in Toluca Lake.

Don't worry! This blog will still continue. I'm gonna' try to be better about updating, too. Now that I've said it, I'll be forced to do it. Gotta' be true to my word.

Love Always,
Paul

2006-04-11T23:57:00.002-07:00

Written and Performed by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust
Directed by Owen Burke

Two teenage brothers run away from home and discover a valuable lesson:
Sometimes growing up ... doesn't involve any actual physical growth at all.

FRIDAY, APRIL 14
8:00 PM
$8
(with Derek Waters The Show)

reserve your tickets here!

UCB Theatre - LA
5919 Franklin Ave
Hollywood, 90028
(323) 908-8702

2006-02-28T15:25:00.000-08:00

Ricky recently asked me: "What Saved by the Bell episode would you most want to be in?" What a qreat question!

Here's my answer... ten times over.

10. "Save That Tiger" (original airdate: 12/16/89)
It's the annual Bayside vs Valley prank war. Meanwhile the girls try to come up with a new cheer in the annual cheerleader competition.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
All my life, I've wanted to participate in a Prank War. Why doesn't anybody do these? Seriously. This spring, I'm gonna' get get my shit together and do one. With a group or by myself. Doesn't matter.

9. "The Will" (original airdate: 10/24/92)
A favorite graduate dies and leaves $10,000 in his will. This creates a battle of the sexes to see who gets the money.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
The team cheers are really funny in this one. And I'd like to be able to say them with everybody.

8. "The Fabulous Belding Boys" (orginal airdate: 12/9/90)
The gang is in trouble. If they fail a test by an obnoxious teacher, they won't be able to go on a class fieled trip. On the day of the test. the teacher doesn't show, so Belding's brother Rod takes over.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
In the final act, everyone meets up at Bayside High before dawn. Basically, I just want to hang out in a school before it gets bright outside.

7. "All in the Mall" (original airdate: 11/9/91)
Zach finds $5000 in the mall, and plans to use the money to buy and then scalp tickets for a U2 concert.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
As much as I wouldn't want to be pursued by bad guys, it'd be really cool to sleep in a mall overnight.

6. "Rockumentary" (original airdate: 11/30/91)
Casey Kasem as himself hosts a biography of Zack's rock group called The Zack Attack.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
Sure, part of it is getting to be a rockstar, but it's mostly to hear this dialogue live in person:
ZACK: You really think we could be famous?
ROCK MANAGER: Does Bart Simpson have animated zits?
ME: Yay!!!!

5. "Cut Day" (original airdate: 12/7/91)
It's senior cut day. Zack tries his best to go through the day without being caught by Belding. Jessie and a boy protest the use of plastic cups.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
I wish my high school had a "cut day."

4. "Day of Detention" (original airdate: 10/3/92)
If Zack can just get out of detention with Mr. Belding, he can win a trip to Hawaii. Instead the whole gang ends up in detention with him, trying to get him out.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
This episode is full of escape plans, which I love because I can't ever think of them myself in real life. So it'd be great - to sit back and watch somebody come up with these amazing ideas. Like, I want to come up with a fake/joke escape plan right now and I still can't do it.

3. "Myster Weekend" (original airdate: 12/21/91)
The gang wins a mystery weekend at a mansion where they are all part of a murder mystery. The trouble begins when the game goes awry and Zack is left as the prime suspect.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
There's secret passages in the mansion. Hey - have you guys noticed that most of my reasons have nothing to do with "Saved by the Bell?"

2. "Save the Max" (original airdate: 9/22/90)
Zack and Screech discover that Bayside once had a radio station called KTTY. They convince Belding to put it back on the air. Meanwhile, Max is in trouble of losing his business.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
It'd give me a serious sense of pride to save a friend's business.

1. "The Wicked Stepbrother" (original airdate: 11/2/91)
Jessie meets her new stepbrother Eric but soon discovers that he also has a darkside in him when he uses blackmail to get his way.
WHY I'D WANT TO BE IN IT:
I want to be in my favorite episode! All the components of a great "Saved" episode: schemes, backstabbing, schemes, romance, and more schemes.

Bye, dudes!

2006-02-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

So Amanda and I have been watching "Roseanne" on Nick at Nite. A lot. Like, every night. 2 - maybe 3 - episodes per night. It's great.

Recently, we entered the "New Becky" years - y'know, that period when Lecy Goranson (Becky #1) left the show and was replaced by Sarah Chalke (Becky #2).

Anyway, in this run, during the famed opening title sequence (where the camera rotates around the kitchen table as the family eats dinner, plays cards, etc.)... Becky #2 enters the kitchen, then John Goodman looks at her and - I swear - mouths the words:

"It's the New Becky! Becky is a new person!"

Seriously.

The theme music plays, so you can't HEAR him say it. But I KNOW he does.

Anyone else watch "Roseanne?" Care to confirm what I already know is true?

2006-01-24T15:10:00.000-08:00

For those who are interested, you can see me...

1) On ESPN. During their Pro Bowling Association (PBA) coverage on Sunday afternoons, the network airs a series of bowling commercials that I appear in. Look for me slipping on the floor and falling.

2) On an Easy-Life Furniture commercial. It only airs locally in the Los Angeles area and I haven't seen it yet, but if you're watching "Oprah," you'll probably catch it. In it, I share a bed with an elderly couple making out.

3) On the Aquafina website. In an online video for their New Year's Resolutions campaign. It's the "Air Guitar Champion" mockumentary video (second from the left).

And I should be appearing in an upcoming "Drake and Josh" episode on Nickelodeon. I'll post the airdate when I know it.

2006-01-15T16:46:00.000-08:00

I saw all these movies from 2005! And I ranked them in the order that I liked them! Read it and weep, Roeper (of the Ebert and Roeper syndicated TV show).

28. THE CORPSE BRIDE

27. WHITE NOISE
Not based on the popular Don DeLillo novel, but rather, two subpar Amelia Bedelia books. "I didn't want you to LITERALLY draw the curtains, Michael Keaton!"

26. SYRIANA

25. THE INTERPRETER

24. INSIDE DEEP THROAT

23. KICKING AND SCREAMING
Sure, there was kicking. I mean, it's a movie about soccer. But there wasn't much screaming outside of Will Ferrel's character who --- oh, I get it!

22. CURSED

21. LAND OF THE DEAD

20. STAR WARS: EPISODE III - REVENGE OF THE SITH

19. CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY
Reminds me of the day I visited the Chesterman Coca-Cola factory in Sioux City, Iowa. Except in this movie, the employees didn't pour 7-UP on Charlie's head and write racist words on his t-shirt.

18. FUN WITH DICK AND JANE

17. WALK THE LINE

16. HIGH TENSION

15. BATMAN BEGINS
In this movie, we learn that Bruce Wayne based his name "Batman" on a childhood fear. In that case, my superhero name would be "Deep Freezer in the Basement-Man."

14. MUNICH

13. GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK.

12. HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY

11. THE WEDDING CRASHERS
These fellas need to learn one important rule: once you leave the reception, you can't come back in. Even if you're just getting something out of your car. Rules are rules, boys.

10. THUMBSUCKER

9. KISS KISS BANG BANG

8. WAR OF THE WORLDS

7. BROKEN FLOWERS

6. HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE
In the movie theatre, I sat to the right of two teenage girls. When Daniel Radcliffe took off his shirt in one scene, I heard the following:
TEENAGE GIRL #1: Uh... wow.
TEENAGE GIRL #2: Yeaaaah.
These are your children, America!

5. PALINDROMES

4. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

3. THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN

2. KING KONG
I thought he said ping-pong balls.

1. THE SQUID AND THE WHALE

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
66. Jane Seymour (Monday, January 2nd, 2006)
67. Stuart Charno (Thursday, January 12th, 2006)
68. Chloe Sevigny (Saturday, December 14th, 20006)

Seymour at LAX. Charno at a commercial audition for Skittles. Sevigny coming out of a bar. I'm getting tired of doing this list.

2006-01-03T11:01:00.000-08:00

2005: A Survey For The New Millenium!

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Took an intergalatic ride through the stars... courtesy of the newly-revamped Space Mountain in Disneyland!

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I had no resolutions for 2005. But my resolution for 2006? KEEP SHININ' ON! (senior quote)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My friend Rick Herbst rented a VHS copy of the movie "Birth." It's a lot like regular birth, but with one benefit: no dirty diapers!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
The one man who gave me my first break in the biz: Mr. Johnny Carson. Thanks, Johnny.

5. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
A record deal with Maverick. Excuse me. A BETTER record deal with Maverick.

6. What dates from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
a) July 27th, 2005
b) October 17th, 2005
c) December 7th, 1941

7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Putting on neat comedy shows. Getting acting and writing jobs. And my joke about "Birth."

8. What was your biggest failure?
Behaving thoughtlessly. And "The Capeman."

9. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I was just about to write "No," but then I chipped my tooth on the computer monitor.

10. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Michael Moore for that brave, brave film of his - "Farenheit 9/11." Watch your back next November, President Bush!

11. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Bart Simpson. Such a rude, little boy.

12. Where did most of your money go?
Bills, food, and movie tickets. Sorry. Typo. I meant to write: "Bill's food and movie tickets." Boy, does Bill Laimbeer love his chicken nuggets and "Walk the Line!"

13. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Movies (sometimes referred to as "Mooovies.")

14. What song will always remind you of 2005?
"Sister Jack" by Spoon!

15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier! Take that, "sadder!"
b) thinner or fatter?
The same. Thatter.
c) richer or poorer?
Poorer!

16. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Dance!

17. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Not dance!

18. How did you spend Christmas?
Losing Scrabble.

19. Did you fall in love in 2005?
No. But I'm dating someone special. And although it might not be "love" right now, it is a powerful bond that I cherish more and more with each passing day. Who's your "someone special?" Call them today, won't you?

20. What was your favorite TV program?
"Finders Keepers!"

21. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Bart Simpson. Seriously. Somebody discipline this kid! I'm looking at you, Homer and Marge.

22. What was the best book you read?
"Easy Riders, Raging Bulls."

23. What was your greatest musical discovery?
The Go! Team (thanks, Pash!)

24. What did you want and get?
What did I want? What everybody wants... The American Dream, of course. Did I get it? Uh-huh. Do I regret it? Hell yes.

25. What did you want and not get?
Ever heard of The Titanic? Ever heard of RAISING the son-of-a-bitch?

26. What was your favorite film of this year?
"The Squid and the Whale."

27. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
My friends and I ate at Bob's Big Boy and watched "Pee Wee's Big Adventure." I turned 24 (just like that TV show with Kiefer Sutherland on FOX-TV).

28. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A TV series based on "Fox Trot."

29. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
"Rad Boy/Bad Boy."

30. What kept you sane?
Twix!

31. What political issue stirred you the most?
"Are Video Games Harming Our Children?"

32. Who did you miss?
Niles Crane. Bring back "Frasier," NBC!!!

33. Who was the best new person you met?
Choosing favorites is your job, Roosevelt. Not mine!

34. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005:
It's probably lame to do this, but I heard this in "Broken Flowers" recently and it made me happy. Maybe you'll like it, too?
"Well, the past is gone, I know that. The future isn't here yet, whatever it's going to be. So, all there is, is this. The present. That's it."

2005-12-19T16:46:00.000-08:00

LESSON LEARNED FROM CHILDHOOD:

If you're on a little-league baseball team and you want to impress your coolest teammate (who wears fashionable clothes and is the best on the team), don't pull him aside and confidently tell him that your sister Amy went to an Aerosmith concert the night before. He will not think you're cool. Even if she did almost touch Steven Tyler's hand.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
62. Alex Désert (Friday, December 9th, 2005)
63. Rob Riggle (Wednesday, December 14th, 2005)
64. Andy Richter (Friday, December 16th, 20005)
65. Gary Cole (Monday, December 19th, 2005)

On TV's Becker, Désert couldn't see much (he was blind), but I sure spotted him outside the Bliss Cafe on Vine Street. Riggle and Richter were at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. And Gary Cole was in the lobby of the Arclight movie theatre.

2005-12-07T15:19:00.000-08:00

Walking home from the post office, I saw a t-shirt in a store window that read:

"I Used to Be a Diva... But Now I'm a BITCH!"

Awesome.

I was going to follow this up by writing: "Now you know what shirt I want for Christmas." But that's not really true. What I actually should write is: "Now you know what I want written for my epitaph."

Make it happen.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
59. Melanie Hutsell (Saturday, November 19th, 2005)
60. Neil Patrick Harris (Saturday, December 3rd, 2005)
61. Geri Halliwell (Sunday, December 4th, 20005)

Melanie Hutsell at the UCB Theatre. Neil Patrick Harris at a Barnes and Noble. And Geri Halliwell at a Christmas party. Spice up your life!

2005-11-22T10:45:00.000-08:00

THE 2005 PAUL RUST CAPTION CONTEST

As you all know, a few weeks ago, I announced The 4th Annual Paul Rust Caption Contest (where you - the blog-readers - submit funny captions to funny photos). A massively-popular event. In this country and beyond.

This year, I received over 10,000 submissions and they were - hands down - the best in the history of The Paul Rust Caption Contest (so far!).

Here's the top 5:

1.

Caption: "Bad Hair Day!"
Submitted by: Trevor White (St. Paul, Minnesota)

2.

Caption: "Quidditch is tough!"
Submitted by: Leslie Thoms (Tallahasee, Florida)

3.

Caption: "Where's the Green Golbin when you need him?"
Submitted by: Ray Wilton (Fort Worth, Texas)

4.

Caption: "It's called Weight Watchers, tubby!"
Submitted by: Dennis Braddock (Rosemary, Wyoming)

5.

Caption: "Can't you see I'm trying to take a nap?!"
Submitted by: A tiny baby (a crib)

Congratulations to the winners! And for those of you who got passed over this year, keep captionin'... The 2007 Paul Rust Caption Contest is only 24 months away (I'm skipping next year for health reasons).

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
56. Todd Louiso (Saturday, November 12th, 2005)
57. Joey Lauren Adams (Monday, November 14th, 2005)
58. Sam Pancake (Saturday, November 18th, 2005)

I saw all these celebrities around Franklin Avenue. It's true.

2005-11-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

A couple days ago, I was stopped at a red light and a school bus pulled up beside me.

I looked to my left and saw the driver inside the school bus.

And I thought, "Oh, yeah. A bus would need a driver, wouldn't it?"

Apparently, up until the point that I saw the driver... I thought the bus would be driving itself.

Weird.

2005-11-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

ME AND ADAM ON HALLOWEEN:

I am Hans. And I am Franz. And we're here to (clap) have a Happy Halloween!

Nice try, dorks.

You suck, too.

Alright, you guys are cool.

2005-10-29T15:05:00.000-07:00

October 27th, 2005 was:

1. The 10th birthday of my niece Alexis.
2. The 10th anniversary of my first official theatre performance

Yes. On the night of October 27th, 1995, my hometown was treated to both the birth of Li'l Alexis and the opening night of "Lost in Yonkers" at the community theatre. In fact, Alexis was born while I was onstage. When the play got out, I found out I was an uncle.

And so began my illustrious LeMars, Iowa theatre career. Join me as I look back, won't you?**

**(But only at the full-length plays. None of that 10-minute or one-act bullshit!)

LEMARS THEATER CAREER!!!

1. LOST IN YONKERS (OCTOBER 1995)
Neil Simon chronicles his childhood experiences in this Tony award-winning play. I portray young Artie. Will this be the first time I play a Jewish character onstage? Yes. Will it be my last? Oy vey, no!

2. OZ! (SUMMER 1996)
Remember all your favorite songs from The Wizard of Oz? Well, forget them as you watch The Kaleidoscope Kids Children's Theatre production of "Oz," a musical with a far less expensive copyright. As The Cowardly Lion, I sing such "classic" songs as "I'm Just a Lion" and "Public Domain #1." Still, a fun way to spend the summer.

3. GATEWAY OR: LEMARS IS BORN (FEBRUARY 1997)
I do double duty as both "TOWNSFOLK" and "INDIAN #2" in this rousing musical about my small town's history. One month later in Chicago, my sister Amy and I attend a screening of Waiting for Guffman, a mockumentary on... a rousing musical about a small town's history. Not since Eraser did a movie mirror my life so well!

4. ANNIE (SRPING 1997)
Double duty part 2. In one scene, I'm a hobo in a Hooverville. In another scene, I'm a radio DJ. What is this? The Story of Paul Harvey?!!

5. CHILDREN OF EDEN (SUMMER 1997)
An epic musical based on the Book of Genesis. Who did I play? Let's just say I was "ready, willing, and ABEL" to play the part. That's right. I was the mischevious "Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat!"

6. THE CLUMSY CUSTARD HORROR SHOW (SPRING 1998)
You'd think that after 5 plays, I would have established myself as Le Mars' own Larry Olivier, but... nope. Here I am - small role (a knight) with only one line. Fortunately, I delivered the line like a gay man. Historically accurate.

7. JESUS CHRIST: SUPERSTAR (SUMMER 1998
The summer musical to end all summer musicals. A cast of 50. Massive sets. A full orchestra. Huge, huge, huge. And as if that wasn't enough, we apostles get to eat Pita bread during the Last Supper scene!

8. WEST OF PECOS (SPRING 1999)
Apparently, when it comes to school spring plays, I prefer the highly sophisticated acting choices of "fey" and "kinda queer." In this western-themed play, I give the "Deputy" character a lisp and an effeminate posture. I like to think, however, that I've branched out from such behavior. (NOTE: Come to "Before They Were Giants" this Friday at the UCB Theatre and see me play Steven Spielberg as a fey man with a lisp).

9. ALONE TOGETHER (SPRING 1999)
Was this even the title of the play? I can't remember. If you were in this, email me and give me the title.

10. ONCE UPON A MATTRESS (SUMMER 1999)
After innumerable Google image searches, I can safely say that there are no photos of me wearing a jester outfit. At least, not on the Internet. My scrap-book is a different story, people!!!

And then this...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
55. Elijah Wood (Saturday, October 15th, 2005)

Ellen, Adam, and I spotted this "Good Son" outside the Arclight movie theatre... getting approached by a nerd. You know the nerd had to be grilling him about The Ice Storm.

2005-10-14T11:07:00.000-07:00

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14TH
11:00PM
$8
(with The Winchester Preperatory Sketch Academy)

In the summer of 1974, four American filmmakers -- Francis Ford Coppola, Brian DePalma, Martin Scorsese, and Steven Spielberg -- spent a weekend together at a Malibu beachhouse. This is the story of that weekend.

Reserve your tickets here!

Presented by Fireball Deluxe

Written and Performed by Neil Campbell, Michael Cassady, Paul Rust, and Christopher Stangl

UCB Theatre
5919 Franklin Ave
Hollywood, 90028
(323) 908-8702

2005-10-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

The holidays are never an easy time to be away from the family, but today, it's been particularly tough.

Columbus Day was always a big day for the Rust family. Every year, the day would begin with my mom's authentic "Christopher Columbus Breakfast" (three eggs, wheat toast, a pancake dyed orange). My sister Anne always claimed that an orange pancake tasted better than a regular pancake, but mom insisted she made them "the same way, dear" (us kids knew different).

After breakfast, the Rust Clan would get dressed up in our special costumes. Dad, of course, dressed as Christopher Columbus. Buckled shoes. Puffy pants. A big hat with a feather. We based his costume on the one Gerard Depardieu wore when he portrayed Columbus in the film "1492: Conquest of Paradise." Before that, dad's Columbus costume was based on... Depardieu's clothes in "Green Card." Boy, did dad look nice in that gray leather jacket!

As for the rest of us, my mom was Queen Isabella and me and my sisters were the three famed ships (the Nina, Pinta, the Santa Maria). It never failed that Amy and me would argue over who gets to be the Pinta. Eventually, we compromised and agreed to trade every other year (although I swear Amy got to be the Pinta in both 1987 and 1988). We haven't spoken since.

You'd think that after this, my family and I would engage in many more (very humorous) activities/examples. But you're wrong. This is all we would do. Eat breakfast and then put on costumes.

For the rest of the day, we just sat - very still - in our costumes in the living room. We spoke no words. It was kinda boring, but since mom and dad excused from school to do it, I didn't mind.

Then, at precisely midnight, we would all rise and go to our bedrooms. Sleep away the shame.

The next day, if you spoke about the previous day's events... you were murdered.

This blog entry is dedicated in loving memory to Charlie "Big Mouth" Rust.

R.I.P. Charlie "Big Mouth" Rust.
May You Blab In Heaven, Blabby-Mouth

2005-09-27T01:31:00.000-07:00

You can now watch my short video "Duet" at paulrust.com.

And oh! Last week, my roommates and I received a pretty cool letter in the mail. It was folded-up (no envelope) and shoved through our mail slot (with no help of the postal service). It reads:

Dear **** (our apartment number),

Hi. My name is Ron _______. I sell co-caine on Wilcox. If you would like to buy some for your show business friends, call me.
Thx,
Ron

He also left his phone number, but I won't include it in this blog... for fear that you'd buy all the "co-caine" and I wouldn't have enough for my "show business friends."

Thanks for keeping us in mind, Ron!

EDIT: The letter in quesetion is now featured on LA's popular Defamer. It was taken from an article that my roommate Adam wrote on the lovely Underhyped.

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
52. Benji Madden (Friday, September 16th, 2005)
53. Joel Madden (Friday, September 16th, 2005)
54. Peter Dinklage (Wednesday, September 21st, 2005)

My friend Neil and I saw the twin brothers (of Good Charlotte) at that most rock-n-roll of all places... the Koo-Koo-Roo chicken restaurant in Burbank.

I spotted The Station Agent's Peter Dinklage dining outside of Prizzi's... on the year anniversary of me spotting Randy Jackson at a Mobil station.

So far, 8 celebrities in September. One more and I'll have broken March's "Most Celebs in a Month" record. Let's do this, people!

2005-09-16T04:56:00.000-07:00

And now for the conclusion of Class of 2000 Memories...

21. NIKKI JUHL
In kindergarten, I had a crush on Nikki. So much so that when I accidentially cut my right pinky and had to get stitches, I got excited by the prospect of showing off to her how "tough" I was.

22. KYLE KASS
In 4th grade, while Kyle and I worked on our homework in his basement, his father informed us that the LA riots had started.

23. KIM KOLBECK
Kim once asked our geography teacher if there were dogs and cats in Hawaii.

24. BOBBIE LANGEL
My First Date: July 1995. That summer, we did what all young lovers did: went to Nine Months!

25. BRIAN LANGEL
One night at a sleepover, I drew pictures for his parents.

26. JILL LANGEL
In 6th grade, I won a contest for "The Smoke-Free Class of 2000," in which I was awarded a plaque. I asked Jill if she'd like to see my plaque. She said yes. So I exposed my teeth and said, "See? My plaque!"

...She was not amused.

27. STEPHANIE LANGEL
Stephanie's older sister wore a leather jacket.

28. JAKE LIVERMORE
For years, Jake had a WWF "Junkyard Dog" action figure stuck on his roof. When it finally came down, "Junkyard Dog" had moss all over his back.

29. MANDY LOUTSCH
In 2nd grade, Mandy would wear a pair of blue-green-and-purple checkered pants. I often referred to them as "Joker Pants" (in reference to Jack Nicholson's character in Batman). Look out, Mr. Blackwell! Paul Rust is the new bitch of fashion critique!

30. MATT MASUEN
Matt's the only person I know who once had the "Sega Channel."

31. NICK NANNINGA
In junior high, Nick, Rigo (Nick's foreign exchange student), and I made a short horror movie together. The film ended with Rigo (the killer) stating to his victim: "Tell me where the money is or I start pedaling."

32. DENNIS PRICE
I watched a FOX Network version of The Breakfast Club at Dennis' house. Despite the FOX Network's own Bart Simpson frequently using the expression "Eat my shorts," the channel edited Judd Nelson's line to "Eat my... socks." Weird.

33. CRAIG ROHE
In 1st grade, I went to a homemade haunted house and Craig greeted me at the door (dressed as a ghost) and said, "I thought you would come!" And who did I run into when I was outside the haunted house? Rick Herbst... dressed in his skeleton costume.

34. SHANNON ROLLINS
On April 8th, 1995, Shannon, Anne Driscoll, and I all wore black to school. Why? The year anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death, of course!

35. KAYLA RUETHER
To Kayla Ruether, I gave her the nickname: "Kayla Rude-Dog." I think. This may or may not be true.

36. PAUL RUST
TOTAL CLASS CLOWN!!!

37. MARC RYAN
When I was back home last month, I saw Marc in my dad's store and said "Hi" to him.

38. ADAM SAUER
Adam's house was right beside the water tower. This convinced me that his family received water through their faucet the fastest.

39. KATIE SCHILTZ
Katie thought Tom Petty's Wildflowers album was depressing.

40. THERESA SCHLICTE
In junior high, Theresa did this hilarious sketch at the year-end talent show. I can't describe it all, but I will tell you that it ended with the immortal lines: "Now you look like your favorite movie star... Arnold Schrwazenegger! Hasta la vista, baby!"

... And that's it. Class of 2000!

Now for the Class of 2005...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)
41. Paul Scheer (Friday, July 29th, 2005)
42. John C. Reilly (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
43. Paul Thomas Anderson (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
44. Sean Hayes (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
45. Will Arnett (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
46. PJ Harvey (Saturday, August 20th, 2005)
47. Dennis Miller (Thursday, September 1st, 2005)
48. Aimee Mann (Friday, September 9th, 2005)
49. Samm Levine (Saturday, September 10th, 2005)
50. Torry Castellano (Saturday, September 10th, 2005)
51. Brett Anderson (Saturday, September 10th, 2005)

Singer/songwriter Aimee Mann was in attendance for the UCB Theatre's "Greatest Hits" show.

Freaks and Geeks' Levine and The Donnas' drummer Castellano and singer Anderson were at a roller-skating party.

2005-09-12T14:12:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAYS: SEPTEMBER 14, 21, and 28
8:00PM
$5
(with DEAD HEIRESSES... awesome show!)

Neil Campbell and Paul Rust tear through an all-new night of sketch comedy in a desperate attempt to entertain you. They will literally leap off the stage and into your hearts!

Written by and starring: Neil Campbell and Paul Rust
Featuring: Emily Happe, Kulap Vilaysack and Nic Wegener

reserve your tickets here

UCB Theatre
5919 Franklin Ave
Hollywood, 90028
(323) 908-8702

(the above poster was designed by the fantastic john henry muller)

2005-09-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

There's a blog undearneath all this...

CHECK ME OUT AT:

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH - 10pm
"Greatest Hits"
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
(4207 Franklin)
$8

... featuring:
Campbell & Rust (Neil and me!)
Bob Odenkirk
Mary Lynn Rajskub
Paul F. Tompkins
Dan Mintz
Winchester Prep
The Pretty Ho-Hum Spectacular on Ice!
Charlyne Yi
The Idiots
Hard 'N Phirm
Rode Hard & Put Away Wet
Jarrett Grode
Jen Kirkman
Morgan Murphy
Jimmy Dore
Brody Stevens
and more!
hosted by: The Fun Bunch

reserve your tickets here

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10TH - 12am
"The Tomorrow Show"
Steve Allen Theatre
(4773 Hollywood)
more info

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 14TH - 8pm
"Let's Go"
Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
(5919 Franklin Ave)
$5
reserve your tickets here

Now for the blog...

In May 2000, I graduated with 39 other students in my class. Looking through my yearbook, I realized that for each classmate, I have a memory attached to them. (This is what happens when you have a small class)

So I'm gonna' do that. List a classmate and write the first thing that I remember about them. Yay!

1. KATIE ANTHONY
When I was home alone and the washing machine's pipes burst and flooded our basement, I called her dad. Because he's a plumber. This also marked the first time I realized that real-life plumbers don't wear red overalls or punch bricks to find coins or do dances on top of vines.

2. JANNA BLOCK
In second grade, I told her I use shampoo and conditioner. She asked me why I don't just use Pert Plus. From that day forth, I've used Pert Plus. Thanks, Janna.

3. JODI BLOCK
Together, Jodi and I sang Michael W. Smith's "Friends Are Friends Forever" at our high school graduation. And if you're wondering... yes, this is when I officially became "Coolest Dude in the Whole Wide World."

4. BRETT BROWNMILLER
Brett was more commonly known as "BJ." One day, in 7th grade, I timidly asked, "Hey, you know what BJ means, don't you?" He - very annoyed - replied, "Yes!" I guess he had been getting that a lot lately.

5. JESSI CAMPBELL
1999 Homecoming Queen!

6. BART DEROCHER
Bart DeRocher told the class that his dog could say "mama."

7. RYAN DIRKSEN
In third grade, while watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles episode featuring the Pizza-Monster, I told Ryan that he was my best friend.

8. CURT DRECKMAN
As our teacher headed class, Curt Dreckman whispered to my friend how AIDS started. And yes, it involved a scientist. And a monkey. And the unspeakable act of love between them.

9. KARI DRECKMAN
For Halloween, Kari Dreckman came to school as a McDonald's milkshake.

10. ANNE DRISCOLL
In junior high, my friend dated Anne Driscoll. At a County Fair dance, they lost track of each other and for the rest of the evening, my friend lamented, "I must find my Anne! Where's my Anne?!"

11. AARON ELLENSOHN
Aaron Ellensohn sang a song (seemingly self-written) about a man (seemingly created by Aaron) named J.J. Duncan. The song went as follows: "J.J. Duncan. J.J. D-Duncan." It was a pretty good song.

12. ANDY ELLENSOHN
I saw him and his dad at Hy-Vee once.

13. AMANDA ENGEL
In fifth grade, she confessed to me that in bed, she listens to an Alvin and Chimpmunks tape on her Walkman.

14. NATHAN EVANS
I always thought he looked like Timothy from one of my favorite childhood books: The Trouble with Timothy. Decide for yourself:

15. KERISSA FEUERSTEIN
Kerissa portrayed the "Ghost of Christmas Present" in my 1992 film classic A Kids' Christmas Carol.

16. KARA FRIED
Within moments of Kara first entering the classroom as "the new girl," I had a crush on her. Exactly five minutes later, she threw up.

17. NIKKI HAACK
As our friendship dissolved in the summer of 1996, I called Nikki on the phone to voice my frustrations. And just how did I do that? Jim Carrey impressions, of course!

18. CARL HARTMAN
Really, really liked the B-52's.

19. RICK HERBST
When Rick Herbst spent the night at my house in 1st grade, his so-called "pajamas" were actually a glow-in-the-dark skeleton costume.

20. STEVE HEUERTZ
Steve read Stephen King's It... in the third grade!

More classmate memories in the next blog!

2005-09-02T00:34:00.000-07:00

Back in Los Angeles. Iowa was cool. It's pretty and the air smells nice.

While there, I got the sincere pleasure of being a "LeMars tour guide" for Scott (my sister's new husband!) and his kindly parents: Frank and Lisa.

At one point in the tour, we're walking down Main Street with its quaint storefronts and handsomely-designed brick sidewalks - when Scott asks his parents: "So... what do you think?"

To which Frank and Lisa (both born and raised in Southern California) stop, gaze at their surroundings, and favorably remark how LeMars is the "quintessential small town."

Yes. We all agree. It certainly is.

And right at this moment, we all turn, look through the barbershop window, and see... three smiling barbers simultaneously waving at us.

Quit showing off, LeMars!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)
41. Paul Scheer (Friday, July 29th, 2005)
42. John C. Reilly (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
43. Paul Thomas Anderson (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
44. Sean Hayes (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
45. Will Arnett (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
46. PJ Harvey (Saturday, August 20th, 2005)
47. Dennis Miller (Monday, September 1st, 2005)

PJ Harvey was at Amy and Scott's Berkeley wedding reception. All in all, she seemed to like it - even though she did complain that the cake was a little... Dry.

Dennis Miller was in the office of where I work. Gosh. One day into September and I've already spotted a celebrity. Who knows? Maybe September 2005 could beat long-running champ-of-sightings March 2005? Only time (the entire month of September) will tell.

2005-08-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

Last Tuesday, I visited my buddy John and his family in Omaha. After a yummy pizza dinner cooked up by Denise... John and me and his two kids - Isaiah (6 years) and Annora (18 months) - went to the park.

While at the park, Isaiah says to me: "Paul, you're going to be a Hollywood actor."

I - both embarrassed by the compliment and obligated to be modest - replied: "No, no, no, Isaiah. I don't think so."

Then there was some silence. Awkward. Silence.

And then it hits me.

Little, 6-year-old Isaiah had said: "Paul, I'm going to be a Hollywood actor."

I had effectively crushed the dreams of a small child.

Whoops.

Lesson learned? Never ever be modest.

2005-08-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

For the past couple days, I've been moving into a new apartment, which I'll be sharing with my spectacular roomies Adam and Ellen.

Before moving into the apartment, I was required by management to answer a questionairre, which included these 2 questions:

1) Who should be contacted in the event of your death?
2) Do you own a waterbed?

These folks know what they want.

Also, in a couple days, I'm heading up to Oakland for my sister Amy and Scott's wedding (a future blog, I'm sure!). And then soon after, it's off to Iowa for the wedding reception. I'll be in Iowa from 22nd to the 30th. I'm looking forward to the trip.

Have YOU been looking forward to a long-delayed "Celebrity Cited" List? I hope so...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)
41. Paul Scheer (Friday, July 29th, 2005)
42. John C. Reilly (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
43. Paul Thomas Anderson (Saturday, August 6th, 2005)
44. Sean Hayes (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)
45. Will Arnett (Saturday, August 13th, 2005)

Best Week Ever's Paul Scheer was spotted attending a play.

John C. Reilly and Paul Thomas Anderson dropped by backstage at "The Tomorrow Show." Me and a fellow performer "played it casual" - keeping our distance from Reilly and Anderson... to chat about the differences between Pop Tarts and Toast 'Ems.

Sean Hayes and Will Arnett were in attendance for Saturday night's "Asssscat" show at the UCB Theatre.

In case there's any confusion for those of you new to the "Celebrity Cited" list, a celebrity is "spotted" if they are NOT a participant (i.e. featured performer, musician, etc.) in the event, but rather, an outside spectator. EXAMPLE: If I went to a Prince concert and I spotted Ted Danson standing behind me - only Mr. Danson would be considered a "celebrity cited" (not Prince). Got it? Good. We don't want any confusion.

2005-08-06T04:17:00.000-07:00

List 20 people you know in no particular order

1. Amy Rust
2. Scott Ferguson
3. Anne Rust
4. John Henry Muller
5. Ryan Dirksen
6. Michele Thomspon
7. Mr. Fox
8. Spencer Griffin
9. Steve Anthony
10. Mrs. Patera
11. Jake Livermore
12. Chris Stangl
13. Brian Kessler
14. DJ Ruden
15. Mike Cassady
16. Emily Yoshida
17. Steve Heuertz
18. Neil Campbell
19. Mom
20. Dad

01. How did you meet 13?
Freshman year, Brian Kessler and I met at the University of Iowa. That's right: The Hawkeyes. Ever heard of him?

02. What would you do if you never met 5?
I would have never learned how to make a helicopter sound with my mouth (and all the other things you learn when you head to the circus in Sioux City - circa 1988).

03. Have you ever liked 3?
As a sister... yes, I have liked Anne Rust. But if you mean "like-like"... yes, we're getting married next Spring.

04. What do you honestly think of 10?
Mrs. Patera, my junior-high science teacher, is a very kind woman. When I was her student, some teenagers broke into the school, peed in her aquarium, and killed all her fish. My honest opinion of them? Jerks!

05. Would or did 19 and 8 go out?
Spencer Griffin travelled through time and from 1966 to 1968, he and my mom were steady boyfriend/girlfriend. However, with one single Homecoming Dance, Bob Rust - my father - changed all that. That devil.

06. If 1 died tomorrow, what is one thing that you would need him/her to know?
That my sister Amy shaped me into 90% of what I am today. I have a pie chart to prove it.

07. Would 2 and 11 make a good couple?
If Jake Livermore and my sister's fiancee Scott Ferguson couldn't make a good couple... then there's no hope for this world.

08. Describe 7 in 3 words:
Science! Science! Science!

09. Do you think 12 is hot?
I imagine Chris gets very warm in that black suit of his, yes. I tell him to wear green cargo shorts like me, but he refuses time and time again.

10. Would 1 and 17 ever go out?
If the time was right, Steve Heuertz and Amy Rust could go out. What time, exactly? Hmmm. How about... ANYTIME?!!

11. What do you think when you see 8?
"Should I tell Spencer that I like his beard? No. I'll write it on my blog at the appropriate time."

12. Tell me something humiliating about 11.
According to my mother, during a diaper-change as a baby, I accidentially took a bite of my own shit. For this, I have no right to judge others' behavior as "humiliating."

13. Do you know any of 6's family members?
I know the entire Michele Thompson clan. Dennis, Vicki, Mark, Mike, Mary. Nice folks all around. Meet 'em if you get the chance.

14. What's 20's favorite color?
Bob Rust has no favorite color. Why? In his words, "Why like just one note... when you can love a symphony?"

15. On a scale of 1-10 how cute is 14?
The ladies of the LeMars, Iowa Public Library agree: "11!"

16. What would you do if 4 just professed their undying love for you?
I'd tell his wife and two kids... THROUGH SONG!

17. What language does 19 speak?
Jeanne Rust speaks "The Language of Perfect Mothering."

18. Who is 18 going out with?
Jennifer Aniston... and Wedding Crashers' Vince Vaughn!

19. Does 2 have any siblings?
One sister. Sorry, fellas! She's married!

20. Would you ever date 7?
Better said: "Would I ever date Mr. Fox... again?"

21. Is 15 single?
Single? Maybe. Likes Pringles? Oh yeah!

22. What is 10's fantasy?
To catch those bastards who pissed in her aquarium.

23. What school does 16 go to?
"The School of Life." Ages: 0 and up (until you die).

24. Where does 9 live?
The surface of the moon.

25. Would you make out with 13?
No. Because I am not a homosexual.

26. How did you meet 15?
I met Mike Cassady at a snowboarding competition in 1991.

27. What grade is 17 in?
Grade A Cool!

28. When was the last time you talked to 12?
Thursday night. We never miss a Joey!

29. What is 3's favorite band?
Can't say for sure, but she did let me borrow her Aersomith "Get a Grip" album for quite some time.

2005-07-31T01:14:00.000-07:00

Make your reservations for...

"COMEDY DEATH RAY"
hosted by NEIL CAMPBELL and PAUL RUST
Tuesday, August 2nd - 8:30pm
UCB THEATRE (5919 Franklin Blvd)

with special guests:
Louis CK
Todd GLASS
Mary Lynn RAJSKUB
Scott AUKERMAN
Dan MINTZ
James ADOMIAN
Charlyne YI
Kulap VILAYSACK

Make your reservations here.

Plus, I got more suggestions...

ANIMAL NOISES (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: A bird's tweet
2. Like, But Don't Respect: A horse's neigh
3. Respect, But Don't Like: A wolf's howl
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: A cat's meow

80'S BALLADS (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: Willie Nelson's "Always on My Mind"
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Eric Carmen's "Hungry Eyes"
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Madonna's "La Isla Bonita"
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red"

BODY PARTS (as suggested by J. Erwin)
1. Like and Respect: Small of the back
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Back teeth
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Veins
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Hairline

TOM HANKS ROLES (as suggested by S. Griffin)
1. Like and Respect: Josh (Big)
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Forrest Gump (Forrest Gump)
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Sherman McCoy (Bonfire of the Vanities)
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Joe Fox (You've Got Mail)

MODES OF TRANSPORTATION (as suggested by S. Griffin)
1. Like and Respect: Airplanes
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Surry
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Sailboat
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Dune Buggy

2005-07-27T03:29:00.000-07:00

It continues...

MUPPETS (as suggested by N. Campbell)
1. Like and Respect: Fozzie
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Swedish Chef
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Animal
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Dr. Teeth

"SAVED BY THE BELL" CHARACTERS (as suggested by J. Livermore)
1. Like and Respect: Kelly Kapowski
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Zack Morris
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Jessica Spano
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Screech

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
40. Taylor Hawkins (Friday, July 22nd, 2005)

Last Friday, I spotted former Alanis Morisette/current Foo Fighters' drummer Taylor Hawkins eating dinner on Franklin Avenue in Hollywood. And no, wiseguy, he was not eating drum-sticks. He was devouring them!

2005-07-25T15:36:00.000-07:00

Last night, my friend Rick and I developed a system to JUDGE ALL THINGS IN THE WORLD. It is as follows:

1. "Like and respect."
2. "Like, but don't respect."
3. "Respect, but don't like."
4. "Don't like and don't respect."

Look! It applies to EVERYTHING.

MOVIES
1. Like and Respect: Election
2. Like, But Don't Respect: The Day After Tomorrow
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Breathless
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Garden State

ROCK BANDS
1. Like and Respect: Big Star
2. Like, But Don't Respect: My Chemical Romance
3. Respect, But Don't Like: latter-day Radiohead
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Linkin Park

TV SHOWS
1. Like and Respect: Curb Your Enthusiasm
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Saved by the Bell
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Six Feet Under
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Tonight Show with Jay Leno

SANDWICHES
1. Like and Respect: Reuben
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Bacon Cheeseburger
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Fish Sandwich
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Patty Melt

PAST PETS
1. Like and Respect: Lucky (2nd black lab)
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Joe (1st black lab)
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Alley (cat)
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Artie (my turtle)

NATURAL ELEMENTS
1. Like and Respect: Water
2. Like, But Don't Respect: Wind
3. Respect, But Don't Like: Earth
4. Don't Like and Don't Respect: Fire

Want me to weigh in on more things in the world? Email your categories to me at strangelove45@hotmail.com and I'll post 'em on my blog.

2005-07-15T20:10:00.000-07:00

"Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

You never hear this anymore! Back in the 80's, that expression was in every movie you saw. That's right. Every movie. Go check. Really. I'll wait. Yes, yes. Go check.

(YOU RENT EVERY MOVIE FROM THE 1980'S AND WATCH THEM IN THEIR ENTIRETY...)

Ah, there. Good. What'd you think of those boobs in Back to School? Yes. I closed my eyes, too. And yeah, the movie went too far when Rodney said the "f-word."

And oh. I hereby declare that I will bring back - "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?" - into public consciousness. Not through a massive campaign or anything like that. Just in my own small, little way:

LADY BOSS: "Why haven't you finished that report?!"
PAUL: "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

LADY COP: "Mr. Rust. You were travelling 22 miles over the speed limit."
PAUL: "Did anyone ever tell you you're beautiful when you're angry?"

LADY BULLDOG: "We just won State Basketball!"
PAUL: "Congratulations!"

I'm calling everyone (both male and female) to begin using this expression. With hard work and determination, it can regain popularity in our time! Do your part, citizens!

And, of course...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)
37. Jason Marsden (Thursday, June 30th, 2005)
38. Ben Foster (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)
39. Ione Skye (Tuesday, July 12th, 2005)

Marsden was outside the Mann's Chinese...
Foster was shopping for groc-e-ries...
And Skye was a "Comedy Death Ray" attendee.

2005-07-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

MAKE YOUR RESERVATIONS NOW...

Through sketch, video, song and their own unbridled enthusiasm, Neil Campbell and Paul Rustweave a singular tale of friendship and adventure. They will literally leap off the stage and into your heart!

Click here to reserve tickets!

2005-07-03T21:53:00.000-07:00

Happy 4th of July, everybody! To celebrate our nation's birthday, I'm concluding the American Film Institute's list of expanded "100 Classic Movie Quotes." Happy Indendence Day!

51. Dirty Harry, 1971.
"You've got to ask yourself one question: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do ya, punk? You have 45 minutes to answer the question. If you get stuck, move on and answer it later."

52. Jerry Maguire, 1996.
"You had me at hello... but Mr. Bill Cosby? He had me at Jello! Yummers!"

53. Animal Crackers, 1930.
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know... I murdered a living thing."

54. A League of Their Own, 1992.
"There's no crying in baseball... but there's a whole lotta' weeping in THESE BALLS." (gestures to crotch)

55. Annie Hall, 1977.
"La-dee-da, la-dee-da... next time, won't you sing with me?"

56. Psycho, 1960.
"A boy's best friend is his mother... nature. Yes. His mother nature is a boy's best friend."

57. Wall Street, 1987.
"Greedy, for lack of a better word, is good... although I am biased since my father starred in the movie."

58. The Godfather Part II, 1974.
"Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer... you can read all about it and more in my new book I Invited You to My Birthday Party Because I Hate You."

59. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
"As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again... Thanks, Twix!"

60. Sons of the Desert, 1933.
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into... but I refuse to play the Blame Game. Because in that game, no one wins. No one."

61. Scarface, 1983.
"Say `hello' to my little friend! Did I mention you had me when you said 'hello' to my little friend?"

62. Beyond the Forest, 1949.
"What a dump... I can't wait to take another shit!"

63. The Graduate, 1967.
"Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you? And on a sidenote, the 'plastics line' from this same movie is definitely more classic than the one I'm saying right now."

64. Dr. Strangelove, 1964.
"Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room! Which is located squarely in the Irony Wing of our building."

65. The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes, 1929.
"Elementary, my dear Watson... god, you're stupid."

66. Planet of the Apes, 1968.
"Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape... and other things I said to your father on prom night."

67. Casablanca, 1942.
"Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine... is she looking over here? Don't - don't look. But... is she?"

68. The Shining, 1980.
"Here's Johnny! But you can call me: Johnny-dawg!"

69. Poltergeist, 1982.
"They're here! Johnny-dawg and the gang!"

70. "Marathon Man," 1976.
"Is it safe? Me putting my finger in this shark's butt?"

71. "The Jazz Singer," 1927.
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. You ain't heard nothin' yet! Ladies and gentlemen: the advent of sound!"

72. Mommie Dearest, 1981.
"No wire hangers, ever! Listen to Mommie! Or as you can call me: Mommie the Dearest!"

73. Little Caesar, 1930.
"Mother of mercy, is this the end of Rico? Certainly, not the end of 'Rico Suave.' Class of '91!"

74. Chinatown, 1974.
"Forget it, Jake, it's Chinatown... population: China."

75. "A Streetcar Named Desire," 1951.
"I have always depended on the kindness of strangers... one morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

76. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 1991.
"Hasta la vista, baby... your mom and I will have the baby monitor on, so cry if you need us. You see, I'm talking to an actual baby."

77. Soylent Green, 1973.
"Soylent Green is people! Soylent Red is PEPPER!"

78. 2001: A Space Odyssey, 1968.
"Open the pod bay doors, HAL... I gotta' take a shit."

79. Airplane! 1980.
"Surely, you can't be serious."
"I am serious ... and don't call me Yahoo Serious."

80. Rocky, 1976.
"Yo, Adrian! It's the 4th of July!"

81. Funny Girl, 1968.
"Hello, gorgeous... you had me at 'Hello, gorgeous'."

82. National Lampoon's Animal House, 1978.
"Toga! Toga! Togamos! Togamos! Togan! Togan!"

83. Dracula, 1931.
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make... I vant to suck your bloooood!"

84. King Kong, 1933.
"Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was Beauty killed the Beast... so let's go arrest Beauty."

85. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, 2002.
"My precious... ring."

86. Dog Day Afternoon, 1975.
"Attica! Attica! Atticamos! Atticamos! Attican! Attican!"

87. 42nd Street, 1933.
"Sawyer, you're going out a youngster, but you've got to come back a star... and so begins the story of Sawyer Brown."

88. On Golden Pond, 1981.
"Listen to me, mister. You're my knight in shining armor. Don't you forget it. You're going to get back on that horse, and I'm going to be right behind you, holding on tight, and away we're gonna go, go, go... oh yeeeeeaaaaah."

89. Knute Rockne, All American, 1940
"Tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper... and maybe - just maybe - another one for me, the Mipper."

90. Goldfinger, 1964.
"A martini. Shaken, not stirred... and a Mr. Pibb. Peed in, but not farted on."

91. The Naughty Nineties, 1945.
"Who's on first... and oh, to clarify, I'm making a statement about James Who's location on first base. I'm not asking a question whatsoever. Cuz boy, would things get confusing!"

92. Caddyshack, 1980.
"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac --- it's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole! I don't want to brag, but this was all ad-libbed!"

93. Auntie Mame, 1958.
"Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death... boy, I sure do know how to bring down a party."

94. Top Gun, 1986.
"I feel the need — the need for speed! Wait. No. No one needs anything. I want the need - I want the need for speed."

95. Dead Poets Society, 1989.
"Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary... and you ladies? Take a seat."

96. Moonstruck, 1987.
"Snap out of it! And into my car!"

97. Yankee Doodle Dandy, 1942.
"My mother thanks you. My father thanks you. My sister thanks you. And I thank you... and my hand? It SPANKS you! Oh oh ohhhhhh!"

98. Dirty Dancing, 1987.
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner... not even Ol' Baby-Corner Jones."

99. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too! And your Johnny-Dawg as well!"

100. Titanic, 1997.
"I'm king of the world! Metaphorically!"

2005-06-29T02:59:00.000-07:00

Grace and Peter - the rock-n-roll duo consisting of Charlyne Yi and myself - recently played a show at "Garage Comedy." You can watch a post-show interview with the both of us here (scroll down to "Grace and Peter").

Also, The American Film Insitute's expanded "100 Greatest Movie Quotes" continues...

26. She Done Him Wrong, 1933.
"Why don't you come up sometime and see me? I got microwave popcorn and Capri-Sun."

27. Midnight Cowboy, 1969.
"I'm walking here! I'm walking here! But mark my words: I definitely ain't TALKING here!"

28. Casablanca, 1942.
"Play it, Sam. Play 'As Time Goes By'... this time, I promise to record it on my boom-box, so I can listen to it anytime I want. Like when I'm out boatin' with the fam at Yankton."

29. A Few Good Men, 1992.
"You can't handle the truth! It's too hot to handle! Too cold to hold! They're called the Ghostbusters and they're in control!"

30. Grand Hotel, 1932.
"I want to be alone... but if you guys are doin' something cool later, gimme a call."

31. Gone With the Wind, 1939.
"After all, tomorrow is another day! I call it 'cartoon day.'"

32. Casablanca, 1942.
"Round up the usual suspects... and no, I ain't talkin' about OJ Simpson! Or Michael Jackson! Or Monica Lewinsky! I'm talking about THE MEDIA and our MEDIA-OBSESSED CULTURE (like the kind examined in Natural Born Killers)."

33. When Harry Met Sally..., 1989.
"I'll have what she's having... a funny, lady-orgasm in public!"

34. To Have and Have Not, 1944.
"You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and blow... but make sure you don't have crackers in your mouth. I mean, it'll be funny, but it's gonna' make a mess at Paul's sister's birthday party in 1986."

35. Jaws, 1975.
"You're gonna need a bigger boat... or we won't have enough room for that boom-box when we go to Yankton."

36. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, 1948.
"Badges? We ain't got no badges! We don't need no badges! I don't have to show you any stinking badges! But if the price is right, I'll show you my butt and tanline."

37. The Terminator, 1984.
"I'll be back... so don't close the door because my hands will be full with laundry."

38. The Pride of the Yankees, 1942.
"Today, I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth... yeah, that's right! Earth! Ever heard of it, E.T.?"

39. Field of Dreams, 1989.
"If you build it, he will come... it's getting him to leave that's the tough part!"

40. Forrest Gump, 1994.
"Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get... although, to be honest, I know I'm always gonna' get one thing from a box of chocolates and that, of course, is zits! Yikes! I keep tellin' myself to stop eatin' them, but --- I swear, I'm like a choc-aholic or something!"

41. Bonnie and Clyde, 1967.
"We rob banks... like Bonnie and Clyde used to."

42. The Graduate, 1967.
"Plastics... fantastics."

43. Casablanca, 1942.
"We'll always have Paris... Holiday Inn."

44. The Sixth Sense, 1999.
"I see dead people... and I can hear them as well. And lemme tell ya', ma, Hendrix still knows how to wail!" (GUITAR RIFF)

45. A Streetcar Named Desire, 1951.
"Stella! Hey, Stella! It's me - Marlon Brando!!!"

46. Now, Voyager, 1942.
"Oh, Jerry, don't let's ask for the moon. We have the stars... or as I like to call them - Moon Juniors."

47. Shane, 1953.
"Shane. Shane. Come back! Don't worry, I'll leave the door open, so you can get in easier when your hands are full with laundry."

48. Some Like It Hot, 1959.
"Well, nobody's perfect... just look at Tom Cruise's recent public behavior, which, to put it mildly, has been very bizarre. First, there was the Oprah appearance. And then, his fight with Matt Lauer. I dunno. I think his engagement with Katie Holmes is just a big publicity stunt for War of the Worlds if you ask me."

49. Frankenstein, 1931.
"It's alive! It's alive! And it's... it's... doing the twist?!!!"

50. Apollo 13, 1995.
"Houston, we have a problem... I closed the door on Terminator and Shane."

2005-06-24T04:01:00.000-07:00

The American Film Institute recently announced their list of top 100 quotes from U.S. movies. Although these lines are indeed "classic," the lines FOLLOWING the quotes are often just as great, but tragically forgotten. Here are the first 25 in their entirety:

1. Gone With the Wind, 1939
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn... or a shit."

2. The Godfather, 1972.
"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse... one bag of aggies for his Bo Jackson rookie card. Bo knows a good deal when he sees one."

3. On the Waterfront, 1954.
"You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am... why, I'm no better than that ol' Andy Kapp in the funny papers. From now on, just call me Marlon 'Andy Capp' Brando."

4. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore... in fact, I think we're in that magical land of Oz."

5. Casablanca, 1942.
"Here's looking at you, kid... but in my own weird way, here's looking at ME, too."

6. Sudden Impact, 1983.
"Go ahead, make my day... by taking me to TCBY."

7. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up... of YOUR butt."

8. Star Wars, 1977.
"May the Force be with you... and the Hershey bars with me! Yum, yum!"

9. All About Eve, 1950.
"Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night... so make sure to fasten your seatbelts."

10. Taxi Driver, 1976.
"You talking to me? Or you talking to BEES? Cuz if you're talking to bees, you can take it outside, Honeycomb."

11. Cool Hand Luke, 1967.
"What we've got here is a failure to communicate... but fortunately, we still got the power to jokey-rap." (BEAT STARTS, RAP BEGINS) "Well, you're Cool Hand Luke and you're here to say: I likes to Luke in a cool hand way."

12. Apocalypse Now, 1979.
"I love the smell of napalm in the morning... boy, I've sure become desensitized to the Vietnam War! Kinda makes you think, doesn't it? Not just about me, but America's realtionship to the war in general."

13. Love Story, 1970.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry... but it does mean putting the toilet seat down - am I right, ladies?!!"

14. The Maltese Falcon, 1941.
"The stuff that dreams are made of... y'know, like subconscious desires."

15. E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, 1982.
"E.T. phone home... but YOU accept the charges, Elliot! I ain't no Donald E.T. Trump."

16. In the Heat of the Night, 1967.
"They call me Mister Tibbs! But you can call me Pauly Dangerfield."

17. Citizen Kane, 1941.
"Rosebud... hey, it's 1941! World War Two just started!"

18. White Heat, 1949.
"Made it, Ma! Top of the world! Next up? Branson!"

19. Network, 1976.
"I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore! So you can take this job and shove it, boss!"

20. Casablanca, 1942.
"Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship... Louis, I want you to wear my class ring." ***

21. The Silence of the Lambs, 1991.
"A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti... but twas his butt that was most delicious!"

22. Dr. No, 1962.
"Bond. James Bond. That's right. My name is Bond James Bond."

23. The Wizard of Oz, 1939.
"There's no place like home... or for that matter, my second home: TCBY!"

24. Sunset Blvd., 1950.
"I am big! It's the pictures that got small... too small if you ask me."

25. Jerry Maguire, 1996.
"All these Maguires... and not enough Jerry to show for it."

*** NOTE: (joke ripped-off from "Evil Stepbrother" episode of Saved by the Bell)

2005-06-21T11:43:00.000-07:00

My friends Adam and Ellen have started a new website. It's neat and funny. Check out www.underhyped.com.

So I bought a new pair of British Knights sneakers at Foot Locker. At first, I was excited, but then I remembered some advice I got back in grade school (circa 1991)...

"If you ever visit Los Angeles, don't wear British Knights because their initials are "B.K." and "B.K." stands for BLOOD KILLERS. If you wear British Knights in Los Angeles, you'll look like a Crypt and the Bloods will kill you." (Mr. Roecker, Gehlen Catholic elementary principal)

Fearing for my life, I tried to return the sneakers at Foot Locker, but to my dismay, one of my fellow Crypts was working behind the counter. "Blood-Gun" said I was part of the gang and if I backed out now, I'd have to kill the next person who told me to turn on my headlights.

I nodded solemnly and drowned my sorrows with a milkshake at Burger King.

Yum. Burger King.

B.K.

Blood Killers.

The Crypts own 90% of Burger King and British Knights.

And "Boyz In the Hood" was loosely based on "The Burger King Kids Club."

Wow! Looky here!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)
36. Marissa Jaret Winokur (Saturday, June 18th, 2005)

Strange occurences in the "Celebrity Cited" list. Early Saturday, my friends and I spotted Marissa Jaret Winokur at the Cafe 101 in Hollywood. Winokur is the full-sized actress from "Scary Movie," the new TV show "Stacked," and that episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" where Larry breaks his finger. She also won a Tony recently for her work in the musical version of "Hairspray," in which she portrayed Tracy Turnblad who (strangely enough)...

Was portrayed by Ricki Lake in the film version of "Hairspray."

That's right. Lake was #35. Winokur was #36. Weird!

If I'm lucky, my next celeb-spotting will be Harold Ramis. And then after him, the guy who did Egon's voice in "The Real Ghostbusters" cartoon.

2005-06-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

Two minutes ago, I felt my first earthquake.

It was pretty cool.

Right now, I'm currently in the process of getting my name changed to "Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude." I'll travel from elementary school to elementary school, sharing stories about my survival and educating children about how they can be brave like me and protect themselves from earthquakes.

Okay. I just confirmed all the dates on my upcoming "Earthquake Survival" tour. Most of the schools I visit will be in the Midwest.

Signed,
"Earthquake Man" or "Earthquake Dude"

2005-06-13T10:14:00.000-07:00

Funny bones and feathers...

"M-Spot"
@ the MBAR
1253 N. Vine
Monday, June 13th
8:30pm $5

Sarah Silverman
Nick Swardson
Paul Rust <------------ me.
Scott and Stacey
Martha Kelly

Host: Jason Nash
plus DJ Sneaky Pete

reservations at: 323 856-0036

Also... this week's "LA Weekly" referred to me as an "up-and-comer" comic. Read the article here.

2005-06-10T15:45:00.000-07:00

In second grade, my teacher Miss Schmidt yelled at me for acting up in class.

I really liked Miss Schmidt, so I wanted to apologize and make things better. That's why I drew her a picture and put it on her desk.

At the top, in big letters, were the words: "I'm sorry."

Underneath it was a drawing of me... crying.

It seems the only way I could apologize to Miss Schmidt was by letting her know how much she had hurt my feelings.

(This entry is the second installment of my popular series: "How I Manipulated People as a Child")

2005-06-07T09:57:00.000-07:00

Chatting with some people over the weekend, I remembered this event...

April 12th, 1988: It's my seventh birthday, I'm in kindergarten, and I avoid everyone at recess. No one comes close to me. I stand by the fence alone and if anyone comes near me, I get away fast. In fact, if someone invites me to play, I decline.

Halfway through the recess, I ditch out early and re-enter the classroom... to complain to Mrs. Jenneary that no one's playing with me and I feel excluded. And then I start to cry. And Mrs. Jenneary comforts me.

10 minutes later, all my classmates return from recess and enter the classroom. Once everyone is seated, Mrs. Jenneary promptly lectures everyone on how they need to play with everyone at recess - especially Paul WHOSE BIRTHDAY IS TODAY. As expected, all my classmates feel bad and go "awwwww" (even the ones I declined to play with). A lot of them apologize for excluding me. They sing "Happy Birthday."

And I sit at my desk with blood-shot cry-eyes and smile. Because everyone loves me on my birthday!

2005-06-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Can you feel it? That tension? That... anticipation? Smell it. Smell the air. You can smell the tension and anticipation in the air.

Yes. Across the globe, folks are wondering...

"Will Paul have a celebrity sighting for the month of May?" (Hakatori Mazato, Japan)

"Will this be the FIRST MONTH since Paul's arrival nine months ago that he went WITHOUT a celebrity sighting?" (Ellen O'Flaherty, Ireland)

"What are we gonna' do?" (a cute koala bear, Australia)

Fear not, my friends... for April showers bring May celebrities!

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
35. Ricki Lake (Tuesday, May 24th, 2005)

Ricki Lake was eating outside a restaurant in West Hollywood. She caught me staring at her.

2005-05-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

FIRST THINGS FIRST:
In case you missed it over the holiday, there's a new entry for Sunday.

SECOND THINGS SECOND:
If you're the 25,000th person to visit my blog (check counter on the right), then please sign my guestbook (also on the right). It'll be like writing your name in wet cement in 1986, so for years, kids will see it on their way to school and wonder who the hell you are/were.

THIRD THINGS THIRD:
Tonight, I will be performing at...

"COMEDY DEATH-RAY"
Tuesday, May 31st

Hosted by: BLAINE CAPATCH
Headlined by: DOUG BENSON

Featuring:
STEVE BENAQUIST
SUSAN BURKE
SEAN CONROY
JOSH FADEM
KYLE KINANE
JAY LARSON
ERIC MONEYPENNY
PAUL RUST
CHARLYNE YI

Plus! RON LYNCH and his tape recorders!!

MBar
1253 N. Vine St.
Hollywood - corner of Vine & Fountain
Res: 323-856-0036
$5
more info: funbunchcomedy.com

2005-05-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Sundays are weird, huh? As a kid, I always hated Sundays. They were the weekend's death rattle. I'd just think about how school was the next day and how I'd have to wait another 5 days before FUN could occur again. Plus, church was boring and the NBC "Sunday Night Movie" usually sucked - excluding their spectacular 1992 presentation of "Tremors" (thank you, Warren Littlefield).

In case you were wondering, this feeling can also be filed under: "The Feeling You Got When Target Started Airing "Back to School" Commercials in Early August" or "The Feeling You Got When Dusk Approached on a School Night." You know how it goes. Dread and melancholy. And loneliness, too? How'd you get in there?!

Sundays, however, do hold SOME warm memories for me. Between the ages of 5-7, I would sit on my mom's lap and we'd read the "Sunday funnies" together. My mom - being clever and identifying opportunities to encourage youth literacy - would often get me to read aloud my favorite comics. I remember one time, Linus (from "Peanuts") was trying to get Charlie Brown's attention in class and went, "Pssst." I, of course, sounded it out and accidentially read the word aloud as "pissed." Boy, did mom and I laugh at that one!

But all in all, Sundays sucked and everybody knew it.

Not anymore though. Since I'm a "grown up," school-on-Mondays are dead and I can do whatever I want. Like tonight? I'm getting together with friends and watching "Revenge of the Nerds" AND "Revenge of the Nerds Part 2." I'll probably even eat pizza. And ice cream. And I'll take my evening bath when I'm good and ready, goddamit.

But... y'know... "school-on-Mondays" isn't really the issue here. The dreariness of "Sundays" still remains. Just not on Sundays. And in a different form.

It's like... ? Okay. In third grade, my hatred for Sundays was so strong that I'd actually start dreading it by Saturday night. Instead of just enjoying "Saturday Night Live," I'd be thinking about how much it would suck to watch "60 Minutes" at the dinner table the next day. And how that big ticking "60 Minutes" clock would mock me, reminding me that time was passing and there was nothing I could do about it.

Nuhhhhh.

Hmpf.

A couple months ago, I was bitching about this to a friend. And he - providing helpful advice - cited the Japanese and how they don't mourn the transitory, but find beauty in it. And how maybe I could do that, too.

But I doubt the Japanese even watch "Saturday Night Live."

2005-05-25T01:39:00.000-07:00

Hey, everybody. Thanks for all your responses to the "Mony Mony" mystery. I will post people's suggestions on my blog soon enough.

In the meantime, look at this:

www.fireballdeluxe.com

2005-05-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

You know the song "Mony Mony" by Tommy James and the Shondells (later covered by Billy Idol)?

You've probably heard it on your radio. Or for you tech-savvy folks, a CD player. Or for the even savvier, an iPod. Or for the savviest, a... spaceship. With a hoverboard scotch-taped to the side of it. And an ALF doll sewn to the back.

But most certainly, you've heard it played at high school dances and wedding receptions. That is where "Mony Mony" reigns supreme! Remember how Aunt Carol danced to it at Mark and Rebecca's wedding? And she NEVER dances!

So, inevitably, every time "Mony Mony" is played at one of these occasions, a crowd of people chant a phrase in unison during the verses. I think you know what I'm talking about. But I DON'T. You see, I myself have never heard it. But I know it goes something like: "Mah Mah Cah Cah Hadie Hadie Ha Ha."

And that's probably not it. Cuz it's weird.

Ever since I was a youth, I've always wondered WHAT that phrase was. But I was too afraid/embarrassed to ask because I got the sinking suspsicion that it was "dirty" or "naughty." In fact, if memory serves me correctly, I recall some high schools barring it from disc-jockey's catalogs to prevent mass naughtiness. Just like those "Bart Simpsons" t-shirts!

That's all well and good for high school dances and "Bart Simpsons," but the problem remains... I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE CHANTING!!!

So I'm using this blog and asking for your help. Now I've only done this one other time (last year, when my son was kidnapped and I called for you - my bloggies - to search for him) and this time, it's even more important! So, if you know the (possibly naughty) phrase that crowds of people chant during the verses of "Mony Mony," please email me at strangelove45@hotmail.com. I'd forever be in your debt.

Thank you.

(And oh, for those of you who tipped me off that my kidnapped son was being held hostage in the "Superman: The Escape" ride at Magic Mountain... I thank you).

2005-05-17T16:57:00.001-07:00

I want to make a t-shirt.

Specifically, a t-shirt for babies.

And it would read: "It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Teething)."

In case you were wondering... yes, this would be the cutest t-shirt ever.

And oh! It'd also feature a Li'l Baby Bob Dylan holding a bottle. And wearing a bonnet. With a pacifier in his mouth.

This, of course, would be the first in a long line of "Baby Dylan"-brand t-shirts, including:

- "The Free-crawlin' Baby Dylan"
- "The Diapers They Are A-Changing"
and...
- "Drool on the Tracks"

More titles will appear depending on customer demand (or if I can come up with some more).

And don't forget about the popular "Baby Beatles" fashion line. Who can forget such classics as:

- "Can't Buy Me Baby Food."
- "Hey Jude (You're a Baby)"
- "The Muppet Babies Theme Song"

This was all fake. All of it.

2005-05-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

Uh-oh! Friday the 13th is HERE! But don't worry, my creepies. Here's some ways to keep yourself "lucky" on this most "unluckiest" of days!

1. STAY AWAY FROM BLACK CATS
If you see a black cat... RUN!!! Seriously. RUN!!! To be safe, don't even go near skunks (AKA "Black Cats' Second Cousins"). And to be doubly safe, don't even listen to Janet Jackson's Top-40 hit "Black Cat." Or anything on "Rhythm Nation 1814," for that matter. I don't care if you ARE throwing an "Escapade" party tonight.

2. THROW SALT OVER YE SHOULDER
Good news: Throwing salt gives you good luck. Bad news: Explaining the mess to Mother!

3. LADDERS? DON'T GO UNDER 'EM!
I know, I know. We all want to walk under ladders. It's one of the great American traditions (akin to baseball, apple pie, and our obsesson with not letting cats cross our paths or salt not go over our shoulders). But if you want Old Man Lucky (TM) to be kind to you on Friday the 13th, you'll steer clear of dem ladders. So look, you can either walk under a ladder or not... but I advise you to do... the latter? YAY!

4. KISS A FROG, ROMEO!
Although the method of kissing a frog isn't as popular as the previous 3, doctors have proven it actually works the best. Remember, ladies: you gotta' kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince! (writer's note: kissing frogs will get you pregnant. very pregnant.)

5. DAAAAMN! DON"T BREAK NO MIRRORS!
Whatever you do - WHATEVER YOU DO - do NOT break a mirror! It causes 7 years bad luck! Take it from me (Paul Rust of "Watch Paul Rust Age Behind Glass" fame). Immediately after I was born, I broke 4 mirrors in the maternity room (it was a complicated pregnancy).

Do the math: 4 mirrors x 7 years = ay yi yi yi! Ever since, my life has been a series of unfortunate Limony Snickets. And at 24 years old, I still got 4 years to go! In truth, however, perhaps I've used this supposed "curse" as an excuse to NOT do better. Or try harder. Or make a difference.

Huh. Maybe instead of breaking mirrors, Paul Rust should look into one... and discover Paul Rust.

2005-05-10T18:11:00.000-07:00

Well, it's May 10th! And you know what means... all the big-time Hollywood movie studios have announced the taglines for their summer blockbusters! Let's take a look, okay?!

1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
TAGLINE: "The Saga is Complete."

2. The Longest Yard
TAGLINE: "It was hard to put a team together... until they found out who they were playing."

3. Madagascar
TAGLINE: "Just when you thought the MGM Lion was the grumpiest... here comes Alex the Lion! (voiced by Ben Stiller of Meet the Fockers)"

4. Cinderella Man
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Cinerella Man?! Holy shiiiiiiit!"

5. Mr. and Mrs. Smith
TAGLINE: "The true life story of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's 1993 trip to Branson, Missouri. Rated PG-13."

6. Batman Begins
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (RECORD SCRATCH) Batman Cinderella?! Why, I never!"

7. Bewitched
TAGLINE: "Hocus Pocus Let's-go-to-this!"

8. War of the Worlds
TAGLINE: "E.T. - Gettin' Grumpy! Rated PG-13, Too."

9. Fantastic Four
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (FART!) TWO Cinderella Men?!! Kiss me, darlin'!"

10. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
TAGLINE: "You'll Never Eat Chocolate Again!"

11. Bad News Bears
TAGLINE: "We Got Some Bad News and Some Good News. Good News is... This Movie's About Baseball. Bad News is... Bears!"

12. Pink Panther
TAGLINE: "Don't lay down on the insulation in your attic. It may look comfy, but it's itchy."

13. Cinderella Man Part II
TAGLINE: "Superman. Spiderman. (SOUND OF A HUG) Yes. Cinderella Man."

It's funny how all the studios' taglines are weird and goofy. That's why I only go to independent films (mainly documentaries and foreign films). Keep churnin' out the crap, H-Wood! I'll be going to "The Real Cancun" and "The Full Monty!"

2005-05-09T18:41:00.000-07:00

Today, I remembered how my mom and I used to refer to Hardee's (the massively popular Midwestern fast-food chain) as "Hardy-Har-Har's."

I'd be five years old. Me and mom would be in some department store and I'd ask, "Can we go to Hardy-Har-Har's?" And she'd smile and say, "Yeah, I think we can go to Hardy-Har-Har's."

I like that memory.

I also like the memory of me sitting on top of a hamper as I watched my mom put on make-up in the bathroom mirror.

Those memories make me happy.

Hey, it's a Mother's Day blog!

Hallmark should make Mother's Day greeting cards with an illustration of a boy sitting on a hamper with his mom putting on make-up and saying, "Hardy-Har-Har."

Hmmm. Looks like I got an Internet petition to start for Hallmark Incorporated!

2005-05-06T09:52:00.000-07:00

Sure has been a long time since my last post, hasn't it? I know, I know. Sometimes grandma forgets.

So guess where I was for the past couple days? That's right. Las Vegas! How'd you know? Gosh, you must be either: a) a very good guesser or B) a ghost who follows me around. If you happen to be "B" and are reading this, by all means, please wear a little derby, so you can look cute like this little fella.

For all you non-Boo-Berries out there, here's a rundown of what Bmax, DJ, and I did in Las Vegas:

- We stayed at the hotel/casino Imperial Palace. Whereas dumps like the Bellagio offer a breath-taking butterfly conservatory and junkyards like Caesar's Palace provide a gorgeous Greek pool, the magnificent Imperial Palace has... yes, "Dealertainers."

It's fantastic! Instead of regular, boring casino dealers, Imperial Palace has CELEBRITY IMPERSONATORS work the tables. Get it? "Dealers + Entertainers = still doesn't make sense." Here's a picture gallery that you're dying to see.

And trust me, you haven't lived until you've seen Jake Blues (of the Blues Brothers) finish a dance routine, then look at his watch, breathe a sigh of disappointment, and walk off into the men's bathroom. Remember the slogan: what happens in Vegas... stays with you forever and crushes your soul.

-We went to "We Will Rock You," the futuristic musical-comedy based on the music of rock sensations, Queen. It was... incredible! Tell me: would you like me less (or MORE?!) if you knew that I wept during the "Somebody to Love" segment? If you'd like me more, then yes... I cried like a baby. If you'd like me less, then... melt that block of ice you call a heart.

- We rode a thrill ride known as "The X-scream". Here's the Stratosphere Hotel's description: "At 866 feet, X Scream is the world's third highest thrill ride. Shaped like a giant teeter-totter, X Scream is an open vehicle that propels riders head-first, 27 feet over the edge of the Stratosphere Tower and dangles them weightlessly above the Strip before pulling it's riders back and over again for more!"

Here's my decription: "Ehhh. I want out. Stop this. Why did I agree to do this? I want off. Stop this. Stop the ride. Please! I want off!" Mind you, I never uttered these words, but... they were screaming in my mind during the entire ride. Actually, these very same words are my daily morning affirmation as well.

Now I'm back in Los Angeles: the greatest thrill ride of them all!

...after "Autopia" in Disneyland.

2005-04-30T03:56:00.000-07:00

YOU SHOULD COME TO THIS...

"COMEDY DEATH RAY"
(hosted by Neil Campbell and Paul Rust)
TUESDAY, MAY 3RD - 8:30PM
@ M-BAR (1253 Vine Street)
$5
"Best in LA!" -- LA Weekly
res: 323-856-0036

with special guests:
Patton Oswalt
Greg Behrendt
Chris Hardwick
Mike Schmidt
Andrew Daly
and Machu Picchu

for more info, go to funbunchcomedy.com (includes a picture of me and Neil!)

For you readers out-of-state or unfamiliar with "Comedy Death Ray," it is LA's biggest night for "alternative comedy." Past performers have included folks like Bob Odenkirk, Louis CK, and David Cross. I've been going to it since I came to Los Angeles last August. And it's great.

Anyway, every week, "Comedy Death Ray" has a new host and fortunately for us, Neil and I were asked to do it. As you can guess, we're very excited. Neil and I have created what I consider a "great show." There will be sketches and videos and songs and all sorts of other fun things. Anyway, it'd be great for you to come out and catch it. I think you'll enjoy it.

And who knows? You may enjoy this as well...

THE CELEBRITY CITED LIST:
1. Dave "Gruber" Allen (Monday, August 30th, 2004)
2. Gedde Watanabe (Tuesday, September 14th, 2004)
3. Joey Pantoliano (Sunday, September 19th, 2004)
4. Patrick Renna (Monday, September 20th, 2004)
5. Randy Jackson (Tuesday, September 21st, 2004)
6. Richard Riehle (Monday, October 4th, 2004)
7. Dwier Brown (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
8. Betsy Randle (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
9. Michael J. Anderson (Saturday, October 16th, 2004)
10. Rider Strong (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
11. Heather Graham (Monday, October 25th, 2004)
12. Andy Berman (Friday, October 29th, 2004)
13. David Spade (Tuesday, November 9th, 2004)
14. Henry Winkler (Friday, December 10th, 2004)
15. Joe Elliott (Sunday, January 2nd, 2005)
16. Glenn Danzig (Saturday, January 22nd, 2005)
17. Jay Leno (Thursday, January 27th, 2005)
18. David Cross (Wednesday, February 16th, 2005)
19. Steve Guttenberg (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
20. Bob Saget (Thursday, February 17th, 2005)
21. Bob Odenkirk (Thursday, February 24th, 2005)
22. Mike White (Friday, February 25th, 2005)
23. Anne Meara (Monday, February 28th, 2005)
24. Curtis Armstrong (Saturday, March 5th, 2005)
25. Chris Rock (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
26. Michael McDonald (Thursday, March 17th, 2005)
27. David Krumholtz (Saturday, March 19th, 2005)
28. Robert Forster (Sunday, March 20th, 2005)
29. Michael Colton (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
30. John Aboud (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
31. Jack Black (Monday, March 28th, 2005)
32. Jason Lee (Thursday, April 14th, 2005)
33. Peter Bonerz (Monday, April 25th, 2005)
34. David Lovering (Monday, April 25th, 2005)

Both Peter Bonerz and David Lovering were spotted in the audience at the "Garage Comedy" show at El Cid. Bonerz portrayed Dr. Jerry Robinson on "The Bob Newhart Show" and Lovering is the drummer for the Pixies.

And yes, I have wanted to meet both men since the 8th grade.